Feeling thankful for being able to have my father again in my relationship with my son

A child needs a few really close, loving, trusting relationships in the formative years in order that he/she may grow properly.

Without such relationships and interactions, pathways and connections are not formed/fully formed.

With missing connections and deviated pathways, the brain struggles to make sense of the simplest things in life.

These things include the meaning of relationships, the reasons for happenings, the idea that we all have choices which will ultimately influence the direction our lives.

The most important to puzzle those with missing pathways and connections is love and the meaning of real love, as opposed to conditional love which is the opposite of love. This is - FEAR.

Since these folks struggle with love, they often accept the opposite, readily, which is fear - and their entire lives are driven by fear. This is where they feel comfortable - what they think they understand, and what motivates them.

I did make those early, positive-formative connections with my dad, a neighbor school teacher, and my grandmother.  Thankfully, although in so many ways even these weren't always present and therefore, sufficient enough - I managed to limp along through a failed first marriage and onto a successful second marriage, giving birth to and raising three children.

So, I have had this sort of struggle with building smoother pathways and better connections. But, it can be done and I have done it.

To this day those great early influences are never far from my thoughts and soul. They actually are with me always - and I refer to them in memory whenever I need to regroup to the beginning of me.

The intermediate connections are with my husband and his mother and one sister - and after that, my children.

I like to see those latter connections as a smoother to the choppy pathways on which I limped along for so long.  Finally, now, after five decades, I'd say those mental pathways are as complete as they are going to get before I leave this earth - and it's an okay thing that really I have, with determination, come this far.

This was my way.  Not necessarily a great or not so great way to become who I am.  It is the way that I needed to get to where I am - and that's okay.

I have no regrets about the first marriage, nor do I harbor ill feelings for the person with whom I was married.  About his family though, I cannot say the same.  His mother was a covert narcissist and two of his sisters, also. Not really wonderful experiencing life surrounded by yet another narcissist, but I did learn heaps.

As far as my childhood and my FOO (family of origin), I have no personal regrets - not even for having loved the narcissistic mother who gave birth to me. Nor for the kindness and generosity I offered my entire FOO.  I learned way more than heaps from all of them.

My dad was a different story.  He was more than a learning experience. He was a precious loving, giving, and receiving experience from whom I took most of what makes me who I am. Turns out my dad is most of what makes my eldest son who he is also, and knowing this - seeing this - and feeling this makes me very happy.

I couldn't have my dad when he was alive for the most part as you all know, and I surely cannot have him now - but, I do have the essence of who he was, and I've passed that onto my children both genetically and emotionally.

I cannot imagine not having the presence of him. His presence is with me when I get up from the computer and begin to straighten up to walk - I feel just like he used to look getting up from his reclining chair to retrieve a cup of coffee from the kitchen.  I see him also in my eldest son's soft caring beautiful brown eyes, and in his generosity of kindness and spirit - and for goodness sake, his great ambition.

Feeling thankful for being able to have my father again in my relationship with my son.

6-10 in a hundred - So how is it that every single sibling married a narcissist at some point in their lives?

Debbie and Daddy

So let me go through this here.  I think after ten years, I have the narcissism figured out in my family of origin.

FOO:  Family of Origin.

NM:  Narcissistic Mother

Every single family member of the FOO had a very wounded inner child except for the the mother - matriarch. She had a wonderful childhood.  Strangely enough, though, she's the narcissist/psychopath. Characterized by planning and controlling... and planning and planning, and controlling.

My dad was severely neglected, emotionally and physically abused, and over worked as a child. He grew up with an avoidant, co-dependent personality type with borderline features.

His paranoia made relating difficult and this was purposely exacerbated by the NM. He was a lifetime anxiety sufferer and also an infrequent patient of depression.

The most generous person I ever knew with the biggest heart, my dad was a happy, hard worker. He had ambition, always a hop in his step and he went to work an hour early everyday.

 Dad enjoyed his work, but he was happiest when someone else reached a goal or received a wonderful gift.

His mother did right, though, by impressing on all the children the importance of practicing their religion - living it.  Being the best person they could be.

Even though the NM refused to allow any of us, including Dad, to attend the Catholic Church, dad kept that religion in his heart and practiced it daily, He was praying several times a day and reading the Catholic Bible regularly.  (In their elderly years) much later, Dad threatened to divorce NM for kicking me out of the family (again), and she finally did, then, use religion to win him back.

NM became a Catholic, and then the two of them attended church together.

She's the typical narc. though. Religion is for show for narcissists and in her case, psychopath ... But, man.  She could use that tool.

All his life I figure my dad was the living dead until he was dying, and that's when the rubber hit the road.  His days were numbered, literally, and there wasn't anymore time to waste playing along with the narc's games.

 He shut her off in his head, and started searching his mind for all the years of his life - A life review in preparation for his death  He watched baseball (which btw, NM never allowed on tv all the years I remember), or he'd stare out of the hospital picture window, rather than look at NM. It was then that he'd about figured her lies out, suspected her manipulations, and stopped participating in her triangulations. These were his last weeks when he called for his children, and I flew from Pennsylvania to Florida to be with him for three days.

First time in Dad's whole life to take his kids over the NM. You see with her, it was always her and him against us.  Then she'd have us against us. Him against us - you name it.  She was totally against harmony in the family. Love and caring and peace and harmony. Being altogether was not appealing to the NM.

NM proudly declared, "I rule the family by way of divide and conquer!!"  And THAT she did.  All our lives.

Now, the other person there in the photo. My little sister, Deborah, (Debbie).  I don't know which she prefers because she never said, but I like to call her Debbie since all our childhood I and everyone called her Deborah. I think Debbie fits her and although Deborah is a beautiful name, Debbie is just cuter.

Like all of us, Debbie was abused. Like all of us she's carried it with her throughout life. Difference is, she's trying to get better, now.

I think our whole FOO can exhibit borderline traits, and everyone has to have at least a healthy degree of narcissism, but I'm not going to try to diagnose her.

Debbie was the lost child.  Invisible.   And eventually was even made a ward of the State by the NM for no reason other than she wanted to do it to her - but mostly, NM didn't like sharing Dad with any of us, and that's why I was kicked out so many times (Dad and I had a nice relationship in between NM's lies and assaults about us). In our adult years, Debbie and I set out to write about all of this and she acquired her medical records from the state about when she was 13,14, and 15 - the years the NM had her placed in foster care.

We found that in order to get them to do this, the NM told the State a pack of lies about Debbie and her behaviors and mental state at the time, outlined in the records - Handwritten by a nurse for the State. Unbelievable.

But along with the other traits I mentioned earlier, there are trust issues with Debbie, (I don't know to what degree she trusts herself) - but it would be proportionate to the degree by which one can trust others. Some Judgement, control, and paranoia. Unlike me who examines things in great detail, Debbie tends to avoid the details and the knowing. There's a kind of disconnect and compartmentalization, these lead to confusion and cognitive dissonance.

Not saying there's a huge problem or any disorder - I'm not of course a doctor - but like all of us, as adult children of narcissistic and or psychopathic mothers, there are a host of little problems to be tweaked.

Our dad nearly died over Debbie being turned over as a ward of the State by the NM.  I remember his drinking and depression.  NM was in her glory.  I was alone, confused, sad, watching, I know one thing.  I DID NOT rock the boat. NM's SLAVE.

I want to talk about Dad's avoidant behavior.

NM, of course, lied to Dad, also, to get him to go along with sending Debbie away, but he knew his children outside of what the NM triangled and lied to him about.  I find it difficult to understand how he let so many of her worst assaults happen.

Other than the Foster/State issue, at the time, I didn't figure NM was lying.  I believed her lies too, then, so I was just as bad. But, I wasn't the parent.  I don't get how he let her abuse his children. Especially knowing how much he loved us.

In my adult years, NM would hammer on me about the Arabs and the Jews because my husband is Egyptian. And this was every single visit to her place, and my dad would just stand up and go to bed early. I would be trying to defend the truth and or beg her to finally just stop.  To no avail.

I was so disappointed when Dad would go to bed early because I drove three hours to see him and really that's the part of the visit I most enjoyed. My conversations with Dad.  Off he'd go, and he'd get up 3-4 in the morning to go to work that hour early.  I wouldn't see him til 4 in the afternoon and then he'd do the same thing that night. I know he enjoyed our conversations as much as me, but if NM started in - that was it.  He'd disappear without a word.  It was a disappointment.

Now me, I was falsely diagnosed with bi-polar then correctly diagnosed with ADHD.  I have had major depressive episodes so you could say I have a depressive disorder.  I also have carried some borderline traits in the past. The healthy narcissism, I had to work to acquire. I was the furthest degree away from selfishness to the point I was selfless much of the time in the past. I have had addiction issues with food.  If  I were able to drink, I might have likely end up with a problem with that also.

But then, Debbie and I went no contact from the FOO and we got free around the age of fifty. Yeah, you guys.. do it earlier if you can!!  I am very happy now.  Best thing I ever did. Sadly, it is.

I worked on these issues myself for five solid years all day everyday, an
d then went to therapy to cap off the recovery. I have since recovered from addictions, low self worth, depression, and anxiety.  I NEVER thought I'd ever be able to say that, but now I can!!

I have learned to love myself and also how to best communicate .. both in having a voice and in listening to hear.

It's amazing how such deep seated woundedness can be healed even at age fifty. And like magic how quickly the healing happens after you go no contact from all toxic people.

Everytime I write that, I think of my dad and wish so bad he'd done that for himself. But, it was his choice. I would have been here for him. I just shake my head.

People, if you are out there still with the narcissist:  Just know that you need to realize that what you know about family members is what your own interactions with them shows you. NOT what the NM says or has others say to you.

I think my dad realized this the last two weeks of his life. He was no longer seeing me through my mother's mouth - he was realizing that in looking at me and being with me - THAT was me.  All of me.  I'm grateful for that, anyway.

Now we have a golden child elder sister and a scapegoat/lost child brother also.

Linda, the GC covert narcissist:  This is a sickening sweet inverted kind of narc. They cannot live without a narc in their lives. Totally answers my question about what's the matter with her ex whose still in her life. Also, why NM likes him so much. They are both pathological. One is a sociopath and the other a psychopath. Long story. But not for today.

Linda is a liar by omission and by pretense.  Also blatantly she will lie when it serves her. Taking money from Habitat for Humanity, telling the NM lies about me, tried to get Khaled to invest in some con thirty years ago for a couple thousand dollars.  Always up to some scam.  Scams the elderly at church .. brings them home and tells them to move in with her.  She'll take them in, but what she does is take their money and then does nothing for them.  And worse if she doesn't like them she drops them off at a motel and drives back home. She's a righteous indignant southern Christian in a battle with the Devil. The look she gave me the last time I saw her, made me think she's spending too much time with this Devil. It was very scary. Oh I could type pages about this interesting covert/inverted narcissist golden child but yeah, not really wanting to give her that much time or thought.

Joey:  My brother. I feel so sorry for him, even though the last time I saw him he was mean to me.  Oh, btw, I just scoffed.  Now I'm shaking my head.  Jesus Christ. All this coldness and rottenness resonates from the NM.  She was there right in the middle of all of this meanness happening to Debbie and me, happy as a clam.

Anyway, Joey  harbors rage. Scary rage. He is dysfunctional, and socially inept like us all to a degree. He isolates and I think he has also a history of depression, and I would say anxiety for sure. He has addiction issues with alcohol and marijuana. He believes the NM 's lies at face value.  Hook, line, and sinker. It's sad to see Joey following NM around now that dad's dead. He's all happy to have a "mother" he thinks for the first time in his life. He just wants to be happy. It's an illusion waiting to destroy him but I don't have the heart to spell all of this out for him - nor would he listen or believe a this point because of NM's smear campaign against Debbie and me.

I find it fascinating that Linda doesn't believe NM's lies but she doesn't care that they are lies. She told us she's shunning me just because she wants to be there for HER mom and believe her mom (who's lying about me).  Makes no sense.  Linda said,  "I don't care if they are lies or not. I want to believe MY mom."   Left me and Debbie out in the cold right after our father's death.

The thing is, narcissists raise narcissists and borderlines and damaged people - and they destroy spouses.  Adult children of narcissistic mothers often attract narcissists and borderlines.

I couldn't believe the abuse the golden child, Linda, put up with over the years from that sociopath ex, AND she beammed with delight from the abuse. I remember talking with Dad and the two of us were trying to figure her out.  We came up with .. could she be a masochist?  But, no.  It's a covert/inverted narcissist. BAM. That's what she is.  They prefer to be with and or marry a narcissist. If not, at the very least they have to be in an abusive relationship. Linda took it one step further, and married a sociopath.

Covert narcs are sickening sweet. The model church leader. The pillar of the community. High functioning for a time. Long enough to set up a good scam. They LOVE narcissists.  They love being abused.  They are entitled like other narcs, they lie - BUT, they are not the same as psychopaths. They love psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists.

The difference between a psychopath and a sociopath.  A sociopath does things on impulse, and are less discerning.

 A psychopath plans and plans.  My NM is a psychopath - she is not the least impulsive.

Interesting bit:  Of all the siblings = adult children of the FOO:  We all married into narcissistic families at some point.

In 1981, I, the scapegoat, married an alcoholic, the son of a narcissistic mother - enabler father. He has a malignant narcissistic older sister and a covert narcissistic little sister. The marriage didn't work out pretty much right away and I got OUT.

Khaled found me right then and I've been loved ever since.

But back to the siblings.

Linda fell deeply in love with a sociopath right out of highschool - a real Charles Manson kind of guy. Scary looking guy.  She told me he had her doing unethical things to pay for their IV drug use.

He died of brain cancer and she found the current sociopath with whom she gave birth to two children.  Her eldest son is a narcissist and her youngest son is not.

Debbie the little sister, the lost child -  married a bigot the first time - a mean bigot - but I don't know about any pathology with him.

The second time, Debbie married a narcissist, but she didn't know he was a narcissist even as we were uncovering the truth about narcissists at the time.

Joey married a narcissist but she is the dumbest narcissist I ever saw in my life.  Gawd ... she is stupid and she never ever shuts up.  Talks about nothing.  Awful.  She would fall under the kind of narc that isn't fully responsible.  I mean I think most narcs love being narcs and are awful people but she's all the things narcs are with NAH .... LOOK!! What am I saying?  She's probably a covert narcissist lol.

Goes to show you though... although, narcissists are only 6-10 in a hundred, they are concentrated in families and extended families of adult children of narcissists. It's just a fact.

It's familiarity.  You were comfortable and recognized a certain something about the narc on the first meeting that made the two of you click.

But, now we know the signs, and all the red flags, the gut feelings, and even the hair that stands up on our necks like prey for the predator.

 Now we know.  And now we GO.

Clarity ... Life Without Those tapes Running on tiny Treadmills Inside my Busy Brain.....

Man.  What a difference in quality of life without intrusive thoughts and without those tapes running on tiny treadmills inside my busy brain.

I now have days that the NM doesn't even cross my mind, having only rarely recalled her assaults.

If a negative thought or memory does pop up - I have learned to allow it to just be and then pass right through.

Choosing to entertain only positive and neutral thoughts for the most part now, is the norm.

I still think sweetly about Dad everyday - a few times a day. It's only been five years since his death, so that might be about how it should be. And I do dream of him once in a while. It's nice to see him again in my dreams.

A couple years ago this month I was writing about losing the fear in all areas of my life because it was then that I learned that fear is the exact opposite of love. So, it's two years and going strong with very little glimpses of fear as opposed to carrying tons of it my whole life before.  What a difference!!

And I still keep myself control-free. Along with the usage of those all important personal boundaries - things couldn't be better.  Well, maybe had I learned all of this decades ago, but there is a reservoir of happiness for getting better now - where before it was a deep ocean of despair.

I noticed when I'm with my adult children, they have a nice way of reinforcing their own boundaries just in conversation and interactions - playing, cooking, traveling - you name it.  It's wonderful, because it's a gentle reminder for me - and I so respect that  Also, I place my own with them and others and everything goes smoothly There is NO mind reading, chaos, or misunderstandings.

Wonderful. It really is.

It's nice evolving and communicating - laughing and learning all while we are narcissist-FREE.  I mean it is such a gift to live a normal life - no lurking, other shoes to drop, walking on eggshells, chaos, confusion, and exhaustion.

Instead, it's days full of extra time, clarity, and Love.

Life really is too short to get all bent out of shape when things change from what we planned or expected

And while the Universe is writing my new story, I am taking it as it comes without question.

Thank god I don't have control issues.

I was going to Egypt in a couple of weeks and now I'm not.  I was like, okay, must be there's something else coming up for me here.

Feels great not lamenting over all the preparations I'd already made and so on... I know I'll still go, just some other time.

Not a problem I figured straight away I can put away all I've packed and stacked to be packed until that day comes.

In the meantime, I have more time in the United States to enjoy!!

Life really is too short to get all bent out of shape when things change from what we planned or expected.  

Boundaries with Family - Childish or Necessary??

All of this and I did give it a try.

It wasn't easy. Not in the least.

You all came with me the last five years as I trudged through the toxic sludge of the NM and all her accomplices.

All of that while mourning the horrible death of my father who was tortured by the NM the last three weeks of his life as she withheld his morphine, telling him to be quiet and stop begging for help.

That alone - his death - was a trauma, but when you add on the narcissistic family dynamic - the trauma(s), and the work I've done to heal - one could hardly see this last five years as anything but challenging.

Then, add to the actual seeking of healing - the total dedication to becoming well while all the while being victimized by yet the last narcissist standing in my life. This was very serious. Not at all a petty whim or something that I or anyone should be able to stand.

Yet someone very close to me has voiced his opinion which I find very hard to respect. Even though it is everyone's right to have an opinion, and my respect for that right is evident, this particular opinion from one who has seen the whole thing come to fruition is puzzling and frankly, insulting.

Gosh at the risk of sounding like the NM who doesn't allow anyone an opinion, especially an insulting one - I do feel insulted.

I mean that last narc that I finally got out of my life was a part of my suffering before seeking so diligently,  this wellness. It was a major accomplishment to confront her and set boundaries to keep her from victimizing me ever again.

I was, and so many of you were really pleased with the fact that I had reached the point in my life where I could actually face a narc down and send them packing.

As you know this person is a sister in law, so she is still alive and well, mulling around amongst her own intimate family members where she now lives full time.

I guess once in a while the subject of this event is raised with and amongst family members there, so people have to deal with either telling her it's not their business and they're not playing, or listening to the smear campaign against me and then feeling guilty and or angry.

So this one person who I think very highly of and by the way I know it is his personality to avoid conflict, told me during Thanksgiving actually, that he thinks the whole thing between my sister in law and me is childish.  That's right. Childish. I mean he's entitled to his opinion, but ... childish???

Both on her part, taking advantage of us for ten years, and on my part for confronting her and putting an end to it. He mentioned the years I would cower and ask if she was in the house before leaving my room in an effort to avoid her. I mean the sight of her made me shudder. She would ask me what I wanted in my own house. "Oh, we don't have that."  Or, "Why are you looking in the refrigerator? What do you want?"

This person was so controlling and obnoxious before I got rid of her I would do anything to avoid having to answer her questions about why I was doing such and such in my own house.  And, yes, now that I think about it, my behavior was childish. But I couldn't help it then. That was before my healing. I was beaten down by narcissists at that point until there was very little left of me to fight. Not even for my own home, children, and husband.

BUT I did get better and I DID do it in the end. I don't see how that is childish. But, I usually value this person's opinions so I'll probably keep trying to see his point.

Still, this is no joke or game like narcissists do.

This is my recovery from extreme narcissistic abuse. Recovery isn't a game. It is seriously and diligently practiced and applied. I guess it's okay he told me the truth what he was thinking, and too, it was okay that I told him what I just said here - and that he still said it is childish in his opinion. That's just the way it works sometimes. We don't always have to agree, but we do have to respect the person.

Not sure if we have to respect the opinion. I cannot respect it this time, but I will always allow it.

I have tons of respect for the person.  Just very strange he doesn't seem to get it. Or is it me that doesn't seem to get it??  hmmmmmm

Trusting my gut.

It is perfectly reasonable to protect ourselves and our minds from all forms of emotional and physical abuse. No fear from any amount of retaliation for doing so need stop us from taking proper action

My vision of a beautiful heart has heaps of hope, trust, love, and belief.

To protect this vision is to protect my innermost self. I cannot think of anything or anyone at this point in my life more important.

Just sucks that we live in a world that needs protection from others, their behaviors, and actions, but alas we do.

Sucks further to realize that actions and behaviors of my own have in the past hurt others, and even in the future, I could likely hurt someone without my even being cognizant.

The best we all can do is to treat ourselves with the love and care that one needs to thrive, and to offer much of the same to those near and far from us.

Being accountable means standing up and saying Yes I did such and such - or I said such and such - not followed by a myriad of reasons which outline others' ownership.

Often there are reasons ... no, usually, there are reasons for the ways in which we react and behave - but pointing them out, I've learned is less for me to explain than it is for others to discover.

The last time I reacted badly to an assault, I tried desperately to get the person to understand my reasoning. But if you want understanding and it goes anything like... "You did such and such and it made me feel literally sick, and I just couldn't face being here again"... Yeah, I guarantee that's not going to go over well.

It is for me to become the best I can be, and for others to decide what it is that they do. And like I always say, it's all about intention, anyway. I love intention. Intention is authentic.

If someone you love or tried to love just cannot grasp intention, the loving thing to do for the both of you is to move on, removing yourself totally from that situation.

For the rest of my life when I find myself in a situation which is difficult or uncomfortable because of the actions of others, I am going to remove myself from the situation without fear that the "other or others" will be insulted or that they will accuse me of being unreasonable.

Trust your gut.

It is perfectly reasonable to protect ourselves and our minds from all forms of emotional and physical abuse. No fear from any amount of retaliation for doing so need stop us from taking proper action.

Growing up in an abusive and neglectful family, you are taught to take it and not complain - then when you become an adult there is something about you that gives off signals to yet greater numbers of abusive people that say it's okay for them to behave abusively with you. That's not alright.

Other than a lack of proper boundaries, I don't know yet what that something is, only it has something to do with being nice - having kindness taken for weakness, but it has to be more than that. One of my favorite things in life (generosity), is often taken for stupidity. Somehow all this snowballs to a kind of low self esteem, a less than feeling that resonates.  Maybe it's a body posture that puts out that permission - I don't know, but I sure mean to find out. It just might be the last part of the puzzle for me.

In the meantime, let's all keep up our self love and self care as we increase this awareness and evolution, all the while, being kind to ourselves and others.












   

What a Blessing to Enjoy our Children

This little guy is now 28 and home here with us for a few weeks between locations, relocating.

What a joy to enjoy our adult children as much as we did when they were so little. Our time with our children is so precious and special.

Here, in the photo on the left, he is four years old, during one of our many trips to Egypt, where he was born. We often visit the tourist areas and enjoy the camels and horses in Giza at the Pyramids.

He still makes me smile like he does in this photo. He still makes me proud to be his mother and it's really a gift to see how a child like this grows and learns to become a contributing member of the earth with a heart for all sentient beings.

I love how this boy hasn't a judgemental or jealous bone in his body.  He is not prejudiced,  nor is he impressed by money and power - Three things that I learned from my father and passed onto this boy.

He learned from a French Chef how to cook the most wonderful dishes!  He makes anything from breakfast to dinner to appetizers that are to die for.  He's into organic foods and clean eating and living - and he's an advocate for human and animal rights the world over.

I couldn't be more proud of Khaled my son, than I am right now.

What a blessing to enjoy our children!!

New Life in Egypt

This is the balcony of my new flat in Egypt. Just inside those sliding glass doors is my bedroom.

Very soon I will be there for my first time enjoying our new place. Hoping to stay for a few months.

All around the villa are fruit trees of different kinds and other greenery.

The guard dogs are to the right of my flat, but outside in the courtyard just inside the iron gate.

I'll be posting from here very soon with other photos of my life in Eygpt. I hope to have a puppy or two there left from the recent litter to train.

My sister in law and her family have the flat above mine. The time for us to all be together is a long time coming, but so worth the wait. I love the whole place that she has designed from the grounds to the building to the interiors.

The weather in Egypt is a bonus... Always sunny... Loads of Sunshine and friendly people, too.

So this will be a trial run, spending time in what might be our retirement home in the future.  For now it's a beautiful vacation home.

Looking forward to lots of laughs, talks, hugs, exercise and fun together!!

The Campaign of the Narcissist

Chuggy says let's take a look at how the narcissistic campaign goes.

A full blown narc campaign usually takes years to come to fruition.

Oh, it starts out normal. You have no idea the person's intentions are nefarious. In fact, you feel sorry for the person and find yourself trying to make up for what life has 'done' to them.

Reactions from you are what's called narcissistic supply for the narc. This would depend on how it is you react to the behaviors of the narc. It ranges from sympathy - to finally apathy, which begins years before it ends with the apathy.

In the meantime it is a myriad of ways in which the narc garners her supply. Usually it begins with sympathy then onto obligation to paying their way, supporting them, driving them everywhere they wish, carrying their items, you name it - it's all about them. When the day comes that you require anything of them you will be told flat out NO.

There are also these reactions which garner great narcissistic supply for the narcs:  Rage, anger, sadness, depression, and confusion.

You can be experiencing all of the above reactions to the narcs behaviors whilst still serving them.

You could drive them all over the state shopping for their whole family ... waiting hours while the narc shops leisurely, but the one time YOU want to shop in a department just for you - the narc is impatient and wants to leave NOW ... only you are driving - but still you rush yourself to finish.

They do things like if you are ill and cannot walk fast enough on an outing - LEAVE you there to catch your breath alone.  Once, after returning home to Pennsylvania from Florida in the Winter by car, she left me out in the snow with only flipflops on my bare feet in foot deep snow, holding my luggage. She had locked the door, I discovered, after limping up the back steps to the kitchen door. I had to stand outside freezing, ringing the doorbell until my husband came running to the door to let me in. He chose to ignore that she'd done this to me at the time.  I thought to myself, then, that this is about it. This woman HAS to go!!  It was right after this event that I began my own campaign to get rid of her. And as you all know it wasn't easy. Hints don't work. Forget it. Disappointment... forget that.  Passive aggression... you can forget that too...  It comes down to after a few years of trying all of this, finally telling her flat out, "LEAVE AND DON"T COME BACK."

They triangulate with your husband and children over many years of bullshit.

They expect that you are going to pay their way everywhere from living expenses to vacation trips - hotels, meals, admissions ... you name it. Then the one time you show up in their country they make it clear that THEY are not going to accommodate you. NO WAY. Not the narcs problem. You didn't even ask her. Other family members gathered to decide where you should stay on your arrival.  Even these other family members are shocked by the narcs answer.

Meanwhile, the cash-cow, the mark/victim of the narc has no idea any of this is really planned by the narc and meant destroy a marriage, family, happy home.

The narcissist NEVER betrays the cash cow. At least not in a way it can be proven for some years. She works on the ruin of all others who surround the cash-cow first.

Nice isn't it?  They aren't very clever in the end though, because they are all exactly the same, these narcissists. They all have the same exact boring traits and behaviors to the point that you can predict usually their next moves. Also, it does take years, but in the end they all either self destruct or die alone. And even that's not any measure of justice for the trails of destruction they leave over a lifetime. It's like when in the court cases, a murderer gets the death penalty, the family members of the victims always say, "It doesn't bring so and so back. We don't get our lives back."

Same with dealing with and finally purging a narcissist from your life.

And so it goes.

BUT. From the time we get these parasites out of our lives, and until we actually die and leave this earth, WE have the chance to have our lives full, whole, and well again. And we can teach our children and their children how to avoid allowing a narcissist into their lives - and we can help others like you all that come to this and other blogs.

There's something to be said for supporting each other in healthy ways and showing ourselves and others how to avoid becoming a victim of these narcissists in the future.

Typical Narc Behavior.... HA ... She's out Shopping!!

Ha! So, here I sit.... mulling over the events of the day.  The narcissist arrives in town, gets my husband to check her into a hotel - puts her money back into her purse and goes up to her room.

I'm thinking alright, but he's here with me now. He's not there with her. He asks what I'm thinking and I tell him well, now she can rest .. it's a long flight and you may not hear from her til tomorrow.

He tells me that she's SHOPPING!!  That's right folks. Moments earlier, she allowed my husband to take care of her hotel bill while wiping away fake tears and the next moment she's shopping at the mall.

TYPICAL NARC BEHAVIOR.

Hubby felt obligated to ask her out to dinner later, but she meows on the phone that she's tired now and called for a pizza on her IPhone 5.  Same phone she could have used to call for reservations from Egypt. But of course she knows that.

So, okay I just said goodnight to the hubbers whose satisfied he did right by his wacko sister and I agree that's what he did - I wouldn't expect anything less from him.

Now, first day down... three to go.

What a total POS this woman is.  I'm not even sorry for saying that.  Whatever.

Okay fellow narc survivors ... you heard it here first.  We just keep setting our boundaries and then HOLD OUR GROUND.  And all of us will be okay in the end.  Probably better than okay.  

The Narcissist Strikes Back

So I feel accomplished as the problem with the sister in law who is bent on destroying me looks to be getting solved.

She arrived at the airport, and my husband started to drive her past the hotel going towards our home when she protested, "Hey, you passed the hotel, go back!!"

She told him she didn't want to go to our house and began to cry. He said if she was going to cry, then he would take her to a hotel as she wished.

At the hotel, he paid for her four days there and she stood there wiping her tears offering him the money.  He told her no, no not now. Just get in your room and get settled after such a long flight.

Bam. Typical narcissist gets the hotel bill paid.

The ball's in his court. How can a brother who sees his crying broken sister ever ask for this money?  Even IF she offers it to him later, she knows full well, he will refuse it.

That bit of money is the only hospitality he's able to give her. I know this man well and asking for this money back or even accepting it if offered, would go against every fiber of his being.  I cannot see it happening. And by the way, every narcissist knows and counts on it never happening. Being raised by a narc gives even a decent person insight into how things go in the twisted world of the narcissist.

It's a win for me because that hotel money is a lot less than the thousands we've spent in the past on her. Still, it's not necessary as she has obviously lots of money to be traveling to the United States just for the opportunity of having this scene and being able to fly back to Egypt and tell everyone she was not greeted at the airport by me and forced to stay in a hotel.

A narcissist will do anything at any cost to be right.  For what she has done to her brother and me over the course of ten years this woman needs to save face in the family.

I can't see how that's going to happen for her, but then again, I'm not a narcissist and some of their nefarious acts, even the child of a narc cannot image or predict.

It's my job to sit tight, support my husband that he's the good man he always was and always will be, and remain confidently quiet.

When I placed that boundary with this narcissist over a year ago, my job was done.

Now, the narcissist will either elicit an inappropriate response from me for her actions, or she will fail.

She can consider that three hundred dollars a "kind" of win and forego her self-destruction with that, but rest assured there's always something more to the overall plan.

Keeping my side of the street clean... watching my back....... respecting myself.

*************************************************************
UPDATE:  The very next day after posting this, she did pay the money back for the hotel. YAY, it's great to be wrong sometimes.  Good going .. good for her.  Better for us.

Again, the hubbers did the right thing.

Dependent NO MORE

So the day is approaching when the person who is insisting on blasting her way into my life arrives.

As you all know, she has been told that ten years of using us and taking my home and my husband are enough. She is no longer welcome in my home.

As a Muslim, I am only required to be civil to her for a period of three days if she insists on inviting herself, so should she forego staying at a hotel, I am prepared to do just that.

My husband says that I could avoid her for the days she will be here, but this is MY home and I will not avoid anyone or anything that decides to enter it.

Instead, I shall be the mother elephant here, and take good care of myself and my family. It is really essential to stand up for that inner child now and forever.

The former sitting duck or baby elephant that rolled over so easily while this person took control now is an advocate who won't tolerate being taken advantage of ever again. I am my own best protector now.

Even though I have a loving husband, his sister puts him in an awful position. While he doesn't want to see me unhappy, at the same time he doesn't want to see his own sister travel from Egypt to his town and stay a hotel. This is a disgrace to everything he knows and is. I will not force him to make that choice.

I am not controlling. I refuse to be controlling, so this will play out as it does and I will stand beside myself and be emotionally mature about having to have her here should she decide to come here instead of going to a hotel as she has told everyone in Egypt.

Funny how you feel like a child being forced to learn and to grow when faced with life's challenges from which you used to run and hide.

I know when this is over and I did the right thing, I will be all the happier and stronger for having done so.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbsPzgectOw&list=UUVFJBbBcV6akw8M1YuDo-Yg

Giver's Remorse

So what's the deal with giver's remorse?

I had a hard time wrapping my head around this issue since it's one of the negative results of being raised by a narcissistic mother - one of which I never acquired.

By the grace of God, I leaned toward my dad's sincere generosity in life over the NM's absolute opposite attitude.

But, when a loved one wants to mirror the giving trait or the trait of generosity - but doesn't want to give, you see what I call "giver's remorse."

It's an awkward feeling being offered something by a person with this condition because you always hope that THIS time they actually want you to have this object or favor because they love you. It's again that fond fantasy about all of those affected family members which just never seems to come to fruition.

There is an element of control in the way a person takes away an item before actually relinquishing it, and in the case of a favor, it is begrudged almost on the spot. But directly after, you feel the resentment that they gave anything of themselves to you. And later still, you are bound to hear how you didn't appreciate such and such enough or at all in their opinion.

If this is, as so many things are, a reflection on the receiver or non receiver as it were, I have more to learn - because it seems to me all about the person suffering from giver's remorse. This person wants to do right, but feels slighted by their own attempts at generosity.

Nobody needs another to be generous - it's a wonderful thing that just happens from the heart of a generous person. I think the person with giver's remorse feels that generous people are looking for something in return and this couldn't be further from reality.

I guess this thing with giver's remorse is yet another category of toxic relating that doesn't seek to serve either the "nongiver" nor the loved one.

One could wonder why would you want such a person in your heart, but as a member of a narcissistic family, I can tell you that those of us who love... love deeply. We are sincere, vulnerable, and mostly, patient. All of us who keep loved one's in our heart and out of our lives, do hold out hope.

This does NOT include for the narcissist. They do not nor will they ever Love.  They know not love, have not love - nor do they want love. It repulses them.  I hold out absolutely no hope for my narcissistic mother and covert narcissistic golden child sister.  NONE.

Standing my Ground....... taking you guys with me

So you guys are right here with me as I am faced with my first boundary keeping challenge.

You might remember the saga with my sister in law who lived here for years. I mean here as in my home where she eventually wriggled her way into my position in my own family??  Yeah that one.  In the end she planted herself at the right hand of my husband, was supplied a cell phone, bills paid, food, gas, even a car made available to her.. and lastly while I lay by then in bed with a black depression, she acquired my wardrobe. She interfered with my children and their father - our relationships. She tried to interfere between me and my husband but he adored me. Sick or not.. he would walk to the ends of the earth for me.

But he is healthy. That means he's not going to take on my battles .. I had to do that myself.  And as you all know, with years of hard work and in the end therapy, I finally did face that major battle on my own.  I got rid of her from my home and my life, AND by the literal grace of God, it didn't affect my relationship with my husband.

Only these kinds of people don't walk away easily. She returned last year and spent the time in a hotel, and is returning this year telling everyone she is doing the same. But my husband has hinted a few times that it would be nice if I would go with him to the airport and "cut the ice"... welcome her to stay here.  

If she were a normal person without an agenda, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Especially since her planned time is so short - but.....  NO.  This is no normal situation. And she is not a normal person. I've learned some really painful lessons in my lifetime and I'm not really up to having to learn another - especially when I already know what not to do.

All the years my kids were teenagers she was living here off from us and it was exactly like paying for four kids instead of three. There were plenty of times my husband had to tell me we couldn't afford the simplest things because we were strapped.  

It was when not only was she shopping for things to take home, but the last straw was when she purchased for I think six hundred and fifty dollars, an IPhone ,5 that I lost it.  We were paying for her all these years and she was making my life miserable and she can afford an IPhone 5!  And airlines tickets.. and .. and ... and...  The woman has her own money.  That's just it. If she were destitute, my attitude would be entirely different, but she has her own money, a newly refurbished flat, and two successful sons - one who is btw very well to do in Egypt as a high placed corporate executive for the American drug company, Novartis.  But, their wives can't stand this woman either, so she was splitting her time between the States and Egypt.  Making all of us miserable.

I remember telling her "Your not my mother or even my mother in law, and I have no obligation to take care of you." Doesn't matter. She was hanging tight to what she thought she had.

I finally told her she got enough off from us for ten years and to be grateful for that - and to not return here for any longer than three days. She replied that she would never step foot in my home again, and I was fine with that answer. THAT'S the way I'd like to keep it.  It was her choice, but a great one.

Now, she's trying the last resort trick of all narcs.  She's telling everyone she's going to the United States and staying in a hotel because she thinks she's been a burden to us for some time and it was wrong of her.

 This is what has my husband rolling over and giving me the doggie eyes.  I can't.  I just can't.  I love and care for myself too much to betray what has taken me so long to achieve -  Self respect in placing that boundary with her. 

So you heard it here first fellow healers...   I stand strong and with my newly acquired voice and self respect. I am going to have a calm, clear discussion with the hubbers.  

Getting back Out-There

The Key to a Successful Future begins with Healthy Boundaries

Now is the time in recovery when we are tested. It's when life goes on and we are a part of it - relating with others in healthy ways.

After learning how to place healthy boundaries and to enforce them, we no longer hope for a significant other to make things right for us. Now we take care of ourselves in every way possible and necessary. We have become in effect the mother that we never had, and our own best protector.

The tools we've acquired over the course of the past many years while recovering from narcissistic abuse must now be utilized daily. From the moment we awake in the morning to the time we sleep again at night our awareness needs to be keenly focused on what it is that is best for us first and our loved ones.

I cannot stress enough the importance of the using and keeping of those boundaries for this stage in recovery. We are going back out there - and allowing some of the out-there, in here. This requires BOUNDARIES to be solid and enforced.

You Do Not Have to Allow Any Person to enter your Inner Circle whom you Find to be Negative, Toxic, and or Damaging to yourself or Others. Period. Trust your feelings and enforce boundaries.

If a loved one tries to inquire whether you might be able to tolerate NOW a banished narcissist say in their family whom they love, it HAS to be your priority to answer clearly. You need to make it known that while it is understandable that since this loved one has been removed from "our" inner circle it's become uncomfortable for "others," but it is firstly UNHEALTHY for YOU to allow them or any narcissist back into your life.

The loved one must love you enough to really understand that this is no longer a possibility because it is a matter frankly of your life or death that you remain narcissist-free, abuse-free.

The value of one's life is way more important than is the accommodation of a narcissist.

DETACHMENT

Well Said, here, Gail Meyers.  I would only add, "People who love you, will love you regardless of what a narcissist tells them. People who are interested in the truth inquire rather than (be silent) or accuse."

Aside from the behaviors of my narcissistic mother, the non belief and non love of these family and extended family members was the most painful experiences from which to move on.

But really, as Gail so elegantly puts it here - all that pain and anguish was for nothing because do you really want people in your life who care that little of you to begin with?  I mean, even if after years of proving who you really are to them, they come around and finally see the truth, all those years of hurt and devaluation don't just go away. You'd have to ask yourself  about what you worked so hard to prove?  And to whom and for what?

I wrote an off the top of my head ... thinking out loud ... manuscript in 1989 called Get the Message documenting everything from early childhood to my then age of 39 with these wackos - my family of origin.  I thought it was to discover what the deal was with my parents, but after rereading the manuscript a decade later, I realized it showcased clearly even more of my dismay and confusion with the enablers of the narcissist.

The manuscript was rife with slights and devaluations from the golden child, my eldest sister.

I was being totally honest in my search for meaning and understanding in writing the whole thing - It was a generous, all be it poorly written, display of absolute realness and vulnerability about which my golden child, covert narcissistic sister said was "Just Crazy" after reading.

The final assault on the assaulted.

Tell the truth with sincerity about the past and present dealings with a narcissistic family and what should you expect?  Only, then I didn't know this thing - this monstrous, confusing thing about which I was writing had a name and science to it called "Narcissism."

When I get totally well and my little sister is the same, for us one day a relationship might be wonderful. - But for all the others from my FOO to my extended FOO, it is no longer nor ever will be a desire of mine.

No punishment here nor devaluation involved - This is merely radical acceptance of what is, and enough self respect and self love to know and say aloud what is best for the future and for all time.

When kindness and love, and all efforts of reaching out to family and extended family have been met with negativity, ambiguity, and silence, one has to thank the Universe for allowing us in such a massive way to see the direction sometimes in which we seek acceptance would not lead to the place that will serve us best.

THE MIND-TRAP KEY

Having just done this - the letting go of my story, it is important to share that in doing so, the power and control it had over me is now GONE.

I faced it alright. I looked at that story in grave detail from morning til night everyday of my adult life until I recently grew past that last emotional attachment.

My god I lived it, then I tried to forget it, then finally faced it, studied it, dissected, and shared it until I and my readers were blue in the face.

I kept telling myself I forgave the NM, I don't care about her or what she's done or is doing now. I told myself that because of carrying this story, my life was heavy and my body was tired and diseased.

I kept trying to convince myself that it was over - I was finished with the whole NM saga, past, and present.  But, I was still waking up with the stories, carrying them with me everyday, throughout the day until bedtime again.

I said I wasn't angry anymore and I wasn't so my depression left me totally a long while ago now.

I said what the NM has done doesn't matter anymore, but I was holding onto how my siblings and father believed her. I think that was the stumbling block that was holding me back from the freedom I have today.

I just couldn't figure how they could believe such lies about me, and do they still believe?

It was so strange last week when instead of me approaching my mind and emotions, my mind and emotions sort of came to me. I was presented with the thought that the NM AND all of her accomplices and enablers are dead to me so all they do now, and what they have done, no longer exits. If something doesn't exist, there is nothing about which to ponder.

It was like magic. It was over right there right then that day that moment last week.  Finally, I let go of my story and ever since the Universe has begun to write anew.

It began with a cure for the IBS I've suffered with for almost thirty years - which by the way began during the times with the NM when she tried to destroy my happiness about marring Khaled and finding love with my Arab family in Cairo, Egypt.

So, right after this all came to me, I happened to come across the honey and turmeric cure and the IBS was under control within days. But, it all began three decades ago on visits to the NM's.

Instead of ignoring accusations and slander of the Arabs, and her righteous indignation over the history of Israel, I spent a couple of weekends a month for years debating with the toxic narcissist. NM got what is called narcissistic supply from my reactions, and I got sick. Begging her to stop - to talk about anything else, she refused, while I ran back and fourth to the bathroom in cramping pain. This was the beginning stages of the disease. She played me like a puppet, but I wasn't playing games - I was loving my "mother" and wanting to help her understand the truth at the same time.

Only, NM knew the truth.

Truth is always irrelevant with a narcissist. Creating negativity whether with truth or lies, it doesn't matter, it is the suffering that is meaningful to a narcissist.

But, now I know all of this - what happened and why - and how to get better and stay better. It was such a long time coming - this emotional clarity.

There has to be a reason that it took so many years to become an emotionally mature adult.  I think in my case and maybe for many others, it was because the amount of information that needed to be learned required decades to absorb properly.

So, my life began anew with the clarity of mind - the loss of emotional baggage, then directly after, came the cure for the IBS. Then this week I found the cure for constant sinus drainage and the occasional sore throat in my essential oils using a difusser through the night.

I can hardly wait to see what improvement I happen upon next week!!  It's like letting go of that story opened a previously locked door through which is a clear path to the place I've been journeying my whole life.

It's still me, only a cured me. It's still the same destiny, only with an unfettered path on which to walk. It's still my story, only it no longer plays on my mind - it has lost it's power. It's still my body, only healthier. It's still my mind, only now I am FREE.

Stop Walking on Eggshells

I want to talk about utility verses love, compassion, and self.

Do you know someone who tries to do all the right things in life, but they fall short of making meaningful connections and being able to experience real and lasting, healthy relationships?

It could be this person attaches with others in an effort to acquire a ready-made self. No matter how saintly, though, this other cannot ultimately measure up to the distorted image the selfless person perceives in them. This sets off the devaluation, judgment, distrust, condemnation stage called splitting, which is confusing for the person whose self is being absorbed.

The person whose developing self was interrupted during early childhood development usually by the unloving mother wound, often behaves this way refusing to see that the misery in their life is because of this behavior as opposed to the behavior of their significant others.

This person avoids deep emotional connections by making utility the priority in relating. When in a real relationship, love and compassion, trust and understanding is essential, for the person without a self, it is things and even time that is most meaningful. They are in a relationship with their money, cars, home, animals, time, and in the end image - the image they are taking on at the time.

You discover that if you pay your way with them and more - they devalue you less, if you respect their things and time, they devalue you less, and if you offer them yourself, your compassion, values, time, trust, belief, validation, and understanding, they can be fun and interesting - ambitious and exciting to be around. But, this is exhausting to keep up to have a "relationship" to the degree the utility-seeking person expects and demands.

When this person isn't running from the last falling out, they busy themselves with measuring things. Judging attitudes, amounts, money, and time, they are forever calculating the fairness of everything in their life and relationships. They actually cock their head from side to side in a quick gesture, meaning, "It might do for now."

But it isn't too long before the walking on eggshells resumes. You used the paper towels, you didn't appreciate enough a favor of utility - anything - the list is endless. If the person feels like they've taken on your personality to the point of feeling engulfed, devaluation is their only recourse.

So, while in your personality, using your vernacular and your tone of voice, same inflection, this person begins blaming you for everything from A to Z, only most of these things while meaningful to them have nothing to do with the relationship. They are blaming you for loving them by judging your every move and breath in a negative light.

In the blaming much is actually true, since the toxic culture creates reciprocal bad behavior.

This person is a competent, responsible employee, and maybe even friend. If you needed something done right or help with something - they would be great and happy to help. This wounded person is not a liar. They pride themselves on their integrity. But all along it's about situations and utility, not kindness, patience, real love, and compassion.  It's about being on time, paying the bills, telling the truth (distorted though it may be).

BUT you will never be able to pay them back enough to satisfy their endless measuring.  If there is a falling out they will choose to forget your qualities and the things you offered them and the relationship freely without measure.

I had a person like this in my life and I was bound and determined to show the person trust and love until they would be able to do it too. Only it doesn't work that way.  Once a person of utility always a person of utility, unless they choose to get better. They take on your personality, all but the capacity for love and compassion. Not because they don't want to love. In fact, they think they do love - but conditional love is not love. It's because they are so wounded that they cannot love and trust and believe until going through the work and stages of in-depth therapy.

The idea of this is so painful to this person that they choose, instead, to run their whole lives from doing so. They run from relationship to relationship or from relationship to the same relationship - from house to house - to rental - from state to state - back to relationship to relationship - from job to job - idea to idea - It never ends until they physically can no longer run.

It goes like this with a person of utility over love:  Woundedness, distrust, judgment, fear = CONTROL.  For the person with whom they are attempting to relate: Love, trust, confusion, being devalued = WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. 

I guess that emotionally I get this now. It is detachment. NM's negativity was all I had of her, and I was still attached to it up until it hit me last week. It's over. The negativity is gone. The no contact with the NM and all other toxic people has afforded me the opportunity to totally heal and detach

Life needs to be Lived While one is still Living

When I see this I can't help but think of my dad. He just didn't live his own life until the last two weeks he was alive.

This man lived everyone else's life from his mother's to his employer's, to his narcissistic wife's. His own life lay dormant, awaiting permission to proceed.

This man was literally selfless in his zeal to do right, work hard, provide, and overcome the poverty of his own childhood.

Even as a small child I saw this in my father, which made me try all the harder to be the kind of child that would make him happy. Those efforts were not unnoticed - Dad loved that about me, as he often enjoyed my little personality.

He used to call me Suzie Q., and he would sing to me Oh Susanna, take me fishing, and really he did all he possibly could to be a sweet, kind, and generous father, aside from his limited patience and own wounded inner child self.  Also, all the while raising me and my siblings he was dealing with a cruel malicious narcissistic wife who he absolutely adored, anyway.

It wasn't until about three weeks before his last breath that he finally realized our mother, his wife was behind ALL the toxicity in our lives from our earliest memories, and from the moment he met her. He, like most enablers and co dependents was totally taken in by her lies and manipulations for half a century.  My god.

For the first time in his life he betrayed our mother's wishes by doing everything that was right while he was dying - instead of what would destroy his own children. It was NM's plan to keep me from getting to say goodbye, after being kicked out of the family the year before. He lay there thinking this over and agreed with my little sister to get word to me. I flew to Florida the next day and was there with him for three days.  Our NM nearly had a coronary, and he would pay for this action.

He enjoyed watching baseball on the television for the first time in all his married life in those last two weeks. He didn't care what the NM thought or wanted, for once. He paid attention to his children - all of them, and the NM was annoyed.  He was prescribed morphine which made him sleep and NM had a fit. She wanted him awake to listen to her. She made it her business to have that morphine taken away from him and it was a huge fight between her, the nurses, and doctors about it. Finally, while still in hospital, it was decided that when he needed it HE was to call the nurse. Only, NM threatened and warned him about THAT drug and wanting her way that he wouldn't get it. He never called once.

When he was released to her custody,. the morphine went home with them, and he did ask for it as the days went on while he was suffering greatly, but NM refused to give it to him. I was flown back to Pennsylvania by then and my little sister was being kept from entering the house,...  stopped at the door... told he's tired.

NM's enablers, my brother and his wife and my covert narcissistic sister were the ones watching all this torture taking place. Dad was begging for help and NM told him to "Calm down. You are upsetting everyone." This is typical NM treatment and response to desperation and pain of anyone other than herself. By the way, she was on Percocet, herself.

Finally, my brother was about to lose his mind, and he turned her into authorities. She was forced to sign Dad's care over to State nurse who while on her way with his first injection of morphine, was notified by cell phone that my dad had just passed away. The nurse arrived, and instead of relieving him of his discomfort, she ended up declaring him dead.

My little sister was called to the scene from two minutes away and after going to our father, she turned her focus to the medication bottles on the counter, his original bottle of morphine stared back. It was during the mulling around of family members still in these moments that the siblings all came together in the screened in porch, sharing the above events. My brother at this time swore to never speak to the NM again. This, however didn't last.

Everyone was totally spent. My little sister and I suffered from PTSD for quite a while after this ordeal. My brother I don't know now, but I would imagine he is still suffering. The covert narcissistic golden child sister - no way. She couldn't care less about Dad's suffering then, and it didn't phase her after. She told me that she didn't care about him, he was dead. She said, it was the NM she cared about. I wasn't surprised That's kind of par for the course, I thought.

Dad was not stupid. He was a voracious reader - loved learning new things. He was quick to admit when he was wrong, and he was careful when speaking, unlike the NM. This man had some wonderful character traits like loving to see when someone else succeeded in something, won, or acquired something they'd really wanted. Not a jealous bone in his body. I loved that about him. He wasn't a liar like the NM, but he believed her lies and was paranoid and distrustful of others.

About his children, our dad was confused. He loved them, but he believed NM's lies about all of us and he was just confused and constantly forgiving without saying a word. He forgave in his heart because he wouldn't want to confront us with these lies and we did the same for him.  The things the NM said one said about the other were so hurtful and so outlandish, often embarrassing .. that none of us would confront each other. We just forgave in our hearts after sometime.

So, in these years, all of us (my family of origin) weren't really living. And until last week even I in therapy and working so diligently to recover wasn't fully living. I was improving, but totally living free was on hold. It wasn't until the myriad of assaults and stories of the NM on all of us ceased to exist with me emotionally that I decided it was over. They existed, oh yes, they all happened, and could still be happening where she is now, but all she has done has lost it's power.

This radical acceptance and conscious choice won't allow what NM's done in the past and is doing now to affect me ever again. She is dead to me, so whatever is going on with her doesn't exist to me - and what has been done in the past remains there. All of her enablers remain there also. I no longer even think about them, what they believe, and what they've done with her against me.  I don't care. I really do not care, FINALLY.

I guess that emotionally I get this now. It is detachment. NM's negativity was all I had of her, and I was still attached to it up until it hit me last week. It's over. The negativity is gone. The no contact with the NM and all other toxicity has afforded me the opportunity to totally heal and detach from them and what they've done.

Detached from all negativity feels really freeing, and as I write this, I have no desire to revisit the details of the stories of the NM and her enablers.

That's huge. That's living. And that's a good thing.

It's one thing to get this intellectually, but to feel it and really be healed - it has to come to you. This happened to me. My goodness I'm grateful.

Me in the Mohammed Ali Castle Citadel in Cairo Egypt

This is how I feel today, kind of on top of the world with a keen sense of peace.

Victimization has been turned around to empowerment for me. What was or is done, isn't about me. It's between the perpetrator and the wall - and those who enable her.

I know that after turning this corner in recovery there are many other things I will accomplish - Some for more growth and self improvement and some for others.

My life was so packed with thoughts of all that has happened as a result of having a narcissistic mother that what I accomplished before was over and above all the negativity.

No wonder life was a grand challenge. Even the gifts of life while wonderful, presented challenges.

The challenge was to enjoy, fully, life and it's gifts without allowing the resounding negativity playing in the background to affect the here and now. Very difficult.

Life free of negativity - free of narcissists, free of borderlines, free of sadness, free of intrusive thoughts, and free of crutches has become actually living, a chance to begin anew without those impediments.

Now there is time to enjoy the things in life beginning with myself and family, and onto the wonders of nature and the gifts of animals, laughter, sunshine, and belonging.  You may wonder if you will ever feel this way. I know I did. But with the necessary steps in recovery and hard work - the real desire to achieve this freedom, it is very possible.

Funny, how when I got so far in recovery, instead of me presenting myself to the recovery, the recovery began presenting itself to me.  Just last week it came to me that this is it - it's finally over (the victim mentality) the prevailing attitude that was the last thing holding back my freedom.

I had gone no contact.  I had been in therapy.  I had done tons of writing and journaling. I did the forgiveness - I examined in minute detail the offenses - I even got the closure and won with the NM on the last day of contact, but I needed to drop the feeling of being her victim.  The feeling of knowing all of us were victims.... the feeling of total helplessness over what she did to our dad on his deathbed, withholding his morphine.  I had to let this go finally.

She isn't a mother. Never was a wife. Isn't really even a person.  So ALL she's done really doesn't matter. It can no longer affect me. It is a history which is her history, not mine.

Where I am concerned, her history and she herself, isn't real. Because if she isn't a real mother, I have no mother. If I have no mother, it wasn't my mother who perpetrated decades of crimes against me.  It's a monster that was once able to control my reactions - that's all. In doing so she used various forms of abusive behaviors which she enlisted others to accept - what they wouldn't accept, she lied about.

A monster. Not even a person.

It's not personal. What she did to me, she'll do to anyone - in fact she's got to be doing the very same things to someone else right now.  It has nothing to do with me, personally. It's just business.

Business as usual for sociopaths and narcs is just that.  Nothing personal. That's why they are so shocked when people don't just right off the bat get over their lies and manipulations against them..  It's just business.

Kind of like how the mob operates, the sociopath/narcissist has her victims, but so what.. life's supposed to go on. It's the victim's problem if they cannot move on, not the narcissists.

I stand here today overlooking the hear and now, and it looks promising.

It's one thing to get this intellectually, but to feel it and really be healed - it has to come to you. This happened to me.  My goodness I'm grateful.

Taking Personal Responsibility Long time Coming

The surrounding theme in this recovery has been the result of an exhaustive never ending list of emotional wounds from my own mother, which by now has not only readers of this blog, but finally myself, saying, "Enough."

If over and over the story is played, described, dissected, and dismantled until one is blue in the face, at which point do you have to admit the revisiting of the issues may becoming a form of self harm?

I guess it could be self abuse and self neglect when one decides to recall hurtful feelings as opposed to choosing to recall what feels good.

We know what the NM did, has done, is doing and still does to me and my loved ones, but choosing to recall specific emotional wounding and feeling badly as a result does become some form of self harm.

When I feel myself doing this, hanging onto what she's done, revisiting it - I have to challenge my beliefs and thoughts in that moment of unhappiness. I ask myself why I am having this particular feeling? What am I thinking now to cause this feeling? Inevitably, it is about the NM, and how she managed to take so much from my dad and me.

The fact is she did, but there is nothing I can do about it now - and even then, I did every single thing that could be done about it - whether or not it ever changed anything - I tried with every ounce of my being to be accepted and loved. Rethinking it all now is not helpful.

I do not want to choose to feel hurt because it is my main goal to end suffering, so it is in this moment I remind myself that I am free to leave this past behind me. I now invest in the hear and now.

Since I choose to leave the past behind, my life is trauma-free. My thoughts, in turn, are becoming trauma-free.

The question of trauma though is worth addressing. There are opinions about degrees of trauma, as in from whining about sadness to real wartime kinds of trauma. I don't like measuring degrees of trauma because the experiences are less relevant when the issue is their effects on individuals.

As an individual, my experience with trauma is relevant and has been shared. Ya think? For me, understanding the meaning of this trauma is key for escaping the past, but being able to take responsibility for my thoughts and experiences is all about the hear now.

I have freed myself from a narcissistic/sociopath mother.

My identity is my comfort zone, so in redefining what's comfortable, I am the daughter of Joseph Anthony Wheeler. The trauma of which I have successfully dealt is of the past, and at this point in my life I see no good reason to point additional fingers or lay additional blame.

I need to redefine what it is that is comfortable. It is comfortable being the daughter of Joseph, and just not having a mother. Actually, it is obvious I and my siblings didn't have a mother, instead we had a mean childlike actor in our lives, whose appearance was that of a mother.

Without a mother at all, NM or otherwise, about whom to reflect, this whole personal responsibility thing is much easier.

I feel like I can close the chapter on the NM. since effective immediately, she doesn't exist.

I am consciously choosing to only ever reflect on the good memories with my dad from this day forward.  There are so many good memories with him and yes they are all tainted with the NM and how she tried to undermine our relationship, but after this post that part of my times with dad will no longer be a part of what I choose to recall.

In recalling what is positive and useful, Dad made me smile, and his memory makes me feel good.

I am the wife of Khaled Awad, and the mother of Khaled K. Awad, Joesph Awad, and Sarah Jasmine Awad. Also the daughter in law of Sadaia Sherrif, the sister in law of Nagah Awad, Amal Awad, Aza Awad, Salah Awad, and Magdee Awad.  And a very large extended family of choice in Egypt.

I surround myself now with the people and the things I love which include animals, photography, the written word, truth, gratitude, generosity, patience, kindness, my husband, my children, neighbors, family, friends, and PEACE.

When I add those together I get LOVE.

Thank you Sittoo.... for a Job well Done

Sittoo raised eight girls and four boys and some of her grandchildren as well.  Every child who was fortunate enough to be raised by her was sent into the world having been loved and well cared for by a kind and generous soul.

This woman married so early in life that the wedding night she changed her mind and went back home for three years until she was mature enough to be living with her husband. Nothing traumatic - just a mutual understanding and agreement between Sittoo and her husband who was much older.

During those three years she was taught to cook and clean and keep a home, all in preparation for her new life with her husband. It was after this time was up that Sittoo decided it was time to join her patient and ever so kind husband in life and marriage.

The following year they announced the birth of their first-born child, a girl.  And for the next twenty-five years Sittoo was giving birth to and raising her twelve living children.

It seems like what was most important to Sittoo in the raising of the children was that they were loved, warm, and safe at all times. Small children were encouraged to be individuals who expressed their wants and needs.

It was important in this family to be straight forward in relating. Honesty and clarity fostered a trust that all of the children carried with them throughout their lives.

Following the above outline for the raising of the children was the importance of things like religion and discipline.

Above all, though, was the soft and quiet way Sittoo assured each child of their self worth and self respect. Her love encouraged them to love themselves and to love and care for others. Sittoo has a way of listening and understanding which makes the child feel affirmed and validated. This, alone, gives a child a head and shoulders above and beyond kind of boost of confidence with which to begin life.

This is how my sweet Khaled came to be such a good and healthy person.  He was turned out into the world as a gift for the fortunate girl whom he would eventually pick.

He picked me fairly quickly and I found him to be the most patient, kind, loving, adorable, interesting, intelligent, funny, understanding, non-judgmental, ambitious, capable, good man I've ever known or seen in my whole life.

Thank you Sittoo....  for a job well done.

Khaled is a total reflection on you.