You'd be surprised the amount of excuse making and covering up in your own mind one can muster in order to hold onto someone you want to love

"Some days there just aren't enough rocks"

So now I know:

The first fifty years of my life were littered with confusion over the state of my family of origin.

In a dysfunctional family, specifically, the narcissistic family of origin, there is a cast of characters to which you belong.

There is the Narcissistic parent, the enabler parent, the golden child, the scapegoat child, and the lost children.

The narcissist remains the narcissist over all the years of his/her life, but the other characters in the cast do sometimes play sliding roles.  The golden child usually remains golden until the death of the narcissistic parent, however, it is not uncommon for the golden child to go no contact for a period of time, requiring a temporary stand-in golden child to emerge.  This has to be one of the lost children.  One of the lost, then, dutifully steps in and becomes "golden," serving the narcissist best, reaping the rewards.

The scapegoat over the years can become lost and the lost can become scapegoat - the roles are easily interchangeable.  But for the most part the roles are cast early on and are the same at the finish of the life of the narcissist.

Everyone dutifully plays their role in order for the family to function perfectly, under the control and manipulation of the narcissistic parent.

In an effort to appear normal, the narcissistic parent singles out one child to be the scapegoat. This child shoulders all of the blame for the unhappiness, confusion, and craziness the family is experiencing as a result of the narcissists self-centered behaviors. "If so and so weren't so much trouble or so crazy, our family would be just fine."

It's well known how some psychopaths have fooled families,  whole communities, countries, and too, the entire world.  Hitler, Mussolini, and many others. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, fooled all of the professionals on his case right up until the very end of his trial.  And there are others just like him who did and are doing the same.

These people are Narcissistic/Psychopaths - Planners - control freaks - liars - with a fairly high degree of intelligence.  The same description I would give my NM. ( Narcissistic mother).  They entertain themselves and get by in life by any means, morally/immorally, ethically unethically, and legally/illegally in order to serve their interests.

The thing is, the research and percentage figures on these kinds of people is flawed because it is difficult to get the average housewife who is a psychopath to come forward and be tested. The research currently centers on those that have been incarcerated, some on leadership, and studies also show how they are concentrated in clergy and on Wall Street in NYC where the stock market thrives with the average psychopath's zero empathy and cut throat attitude to win.

Dr. Robert Hare talks about all of this in his book Snakes in Suits and there are a few others but not very many.

 In recent years, there is a resurgence in the interest of the everyday psychopath and that's where my blog comes in.

More recent authors are Thomas Sheridan from Dublin Ireland with Puzzling People ...the laberynth of the psychopath, and Sam Vaknin from Israel, whose works do cover the garden variety psychopath.

Interesting point:  Sam Vaknin is a diagnosed Malignant Narcissist/Psychopath himself and I might add exactly the kind of person I would avoid at any and all costs.  However, he is the best versed on the subject I have ever read or seen.  He keeps his image intact by the fact that he makes it clear that his books are not as much to help anyone as they are to be his income source.  And what better and easier way for him to make money than to write about himself and his behaviors and how they are meant to affect others.

Vaknin's wife, Lidia, by the way, is a Narcissist also, but a covert/inverted/narcissist.  This person MUST be involved with another malignant narcissist at the very least, but better if he/she is a sociopath or psychopath, because the covert narcissist wants to be abused.

Bam.  and that's my sister, golden child, covert narcissist Linda, now inverted narcissistic grandmother.  In this blog is a photo of her I found online. It is the one that she was first posting to introduce her first grand baby to the world.  It was a nice photograph of her, however the baby's head is nearly cut off from view.  I posted this photo in an effort to explain, visually, the train of thought of the narcissist.  Whether or not it was a good idea or example I guess is up to the person who is interested in the subject.

You see the covert narcissist is a sickening sweet kind of character.  And that's putting it literally because they are only that. - A character.  They are the role they are playing.  This had me confused for decades because I wanted to believe that my sister was so sweet and kind as her mask assured, and I pushed away instead, her behaviors.  You'd be surprised the amount of excuse making and covering up in your own mind one can muster in order to hold onto someone you want to love.

My dad wasn't as good at the excuse making for the golden child as he was for the NM, and he pretty much saw through Linda's facade from day one.  I guess being the golden child and being pitted against him by the NM could have had something to do with it, but for sure he wasn't so fooled by her as I was.

I remember my dad warned me to stay clear of Linda and her deals years ago, and I assured him I never fell for any of her deals. I didn’t know then if she was crazy or sick, but I knew she was something.

So Now I Know:
Now I know.  She is a covert narcissist like the NM.  She trolls for marks at church where her intentions are sadly exploitative.  It is this very thing about her that confused me. This is because she wears a kindness mask.  A sickening Sweet Little Linda mask. But I was a fool.  A loving, hopeful fool.  Right up until the last moment with Linda.  I wanted to go and hug her even after her rejecting my hug the very night before.

You want to believe in those you love and grew up with no matter how confusing reality seems next to them and their behaviors.

But that's what this journey of healing has been all about. Facing the confusing - Admitting the ludicrous, and surrendering to what IS with self love, self respect, and forgiveness of self.

Forgiveness of others was and is still pretty much something I try to do on the spot. As for any lingering rottenness of the NM and the GC for example, it's easy to forgive them.  All the wrongs they do/did to me were for personal gain.  And with narcissists, nothing is personal where others are concerned.  Your "Person" doesn't enter into the equation. - You are collateral damage.  It's business, not personal.

From the moment you are cast in the family of the narcissist, you are a part of an on-going illusion (fanciful vision or false impression) of the family's condition. This is because all the the power and control are with the narcissist who lies, manipulates, and triangles with enablers until reality becomes illusion.

There comes that long awaited time when you find clarity and truth.  In this time illusion is restored to reality and it doesn't satisfy any of the other players in the cast, except you.  That has to be okay, because after all, it is you my friend that matters here.  You matter.

You know without ever having to second guess yourself ever again that without a doubt your mother is a narcissist and she almost single handedly destroyed an entire family.  You know that if not for the power of the truth, you would
literally be DEAD due to all she and her enablers have done to destroy your mind, body, and soul.

So glare on GC ....  I can't see you glaring at me now...  and believe on lost child and spouses because what you are being told over and over and over for good measure by the narcissist is now between the narcissist and the wall.  I have removed myself.

I and my little sister.  The scapegoat and the lost child got away!!

MAGNOLIA YOU ROCK

Welcome Friends and Supporters!!

I have to thank you all and especially Magnolia for supporting me so well over the past year after my narcissistic nephew discovered this blog and I was forced to change all of the information.

My gawd he was a total lunatic trolling my comment's section with ridiculous responses and absolute misinformation.

But you all figured him out without a single word from me because I didn't read the comments after the first two.  I know he's a narc so that's my rule.  I do not and cannot engage them.  However to those of you who did so for me - THANK YOU !!

I found your blogs over the past couple of days by pure accident when this subject became active again on google.  He is still using my old blog url posting of the "GC Grandmother" to correspond so google is notifying me.

I had to hunt you guys down to find out what he was up to.  I thought he was plotting to mail me insults since I refuse to engage in comments, but that's because google sends only the beginning of the thread and it read "Did you ask your mom if you could send her insulting messages"?   lol...  I read into that and went on a hunt for the rest.

Then I found it was you guys!!   I love you for reading and supporting me and my story.  Narcs are narcs and will always be narcs and we can sniff them out a mile away.  They think they are so clever.

He ended that thread btw with the same exact sentence he began with last year when he found me.  He didn't get nasty right off.  He held out that cold branch of "cold empathy"  with ...  "I really would like to know what happened in my family to have troubled my Aunt so much"   The words he said to me were "I just came on here to find out what happened in your family for you to be so troubled."   I knew that was a lie.  He knows very well and he lives in the same kind of dysfunction, so I called him on it.  Then he started the strikes.

Ah yes, the meager attempt at cold empathy that narcs use to manipulate their way in and or back in.

First of all.  I have only ever seen this boy a total of about six times in his whole life.

I am not mentally ill or lonely.  (You nailed it.  You figured this right off).

The proof of the immoral and quasi illegal act my GC NS did is in the records with Habitat for Humanity in Key Largo, Florida concerning a house she sold in 2005.  She befriended the chapter president and between them they figured a way for her to pocket the profits of the sale of the house belonging to Habitat for Humanity.  It was a scandal that was publicized in the local newspaper and they were run out of town.

How that works is you own the portion of the home that you paid for (how much it cost Habitat to build the home).   At the sale of the home, you get back that that you paid to build, and Habitat for Humanity gets any and all profits.

So during that housing boom she put 160,000.00 cash down on a quarter of a million dollar home in Ocala Florida in the Spring of 2005.  That information is in the hall of records in Ocala.  You can get that right off the internet without to pay.  The reason Brian didn't argue with you on this point was he didn't want the full thing brought up again and out there.  It caused them a lot of ridicule and trouble in 2005, so much so they had to leave town way upstate.

Prior to this, she was living in the home that Habitat for Humanity built for her.  Habitat built her this home because she and her boyfriend and two children were homeless for about 8 years (about 3 of which they spent living on a dilapidated docked unseaworthy leaking boat).  This was a prefered way of life.In this case, these people chose to live a totaly carefree lifestyle for years long before having children. Once the children were somewhat older, this was burdnesome.  (Note that this is not a blanket statment.  If a family or anyone finds themselves in this situation through no choice of thier own, that is a tragety).

She told me (and this is were the entitlement comes in) that she deserved to keep the profits from the sale of the Habitat house and God is the one that made the chapter president help her pocket the profit over and above the cost of building.  (It was a profit in the area of 200 thousand dollars). This is all documented.

The dates are solid.  Contact the newspapers in the Keys and find the story if any of you know how to do so.  Brian discloses his last name and her's is the same.  The house was in her name.  Her first name is Linda. M.

By the way, my full name is Kathleen Susan Wheeler and then my married name.  My family of origin always called me Suzie so that's why my nephew refers to me as Susan and Aunt Susan.  Everyone in my life outside of my family of origin has always called me Kathleen.  School, work,... my family friends.

Now, if little golden boy didn't lie about this story and call me a liar, I never would have been forced to reveal the details and highly doubt I would have. But there you are.

As for the little girl Tara who says that my family is hers now lol.. sounds like she's going to fit right in.  Such a shame a mother would have such a mouth on her.  That poor adorable child.  But she has asked me to never speak of her child again or mention his name and so I will respect her wishes.

I would not use their names had they not used them themselves already over my blog - so.  There you have it.

Sure is nice being no contact with these "people" and the healing has been rapid in doing so.  There is really no other way to totally heal from such an abusive family.

They did seem obsessed about my physical condition.  I no longer suffer from any depression so the weight has been dropping off ever since the confrontation with the NM and last contact.  That was five years ago.

I have lost most of the massive amount of weight I gained in bed for 4-7 years in a black depression.  While these people laughed about my condition, I was failing to thrive and nearly died in the end.  It was my dad's calling me to his deathbed against the NM's wishes that sparked my will to live.

I arrived in Florida the fifth day off from Serequil ( a horrible drug for major depression) in a state of detoxification and illness.  I was shunned by all but my little sister.  Every other sibling and their significant others cowtowed to the wishes of the NM.  And NM was FURIOUS that I arrived in Florida and was going to see my dad before he died.  She was really hoping to keep me from seeing him knowing how much I loved him.  She threw me out of there on a visit just the year before and that's when I gave up.  It was of course for setting boundaries with her that I was kicked out AGAIN...  But, I was finished with her.

 I made a promise to myself on a visit there the year prior that I was not going to be controlled.  But you all know what happens when you start setting boundaries with narcissists.

The following details the result of placing boundaries with narcissistic mother during my father's fatal illness the year before, on the visist that preceeded the a last, hisdeath bed visit.

What a liar.  You can read this blog.  It's got to be in here all the lies she told about why I left and was NEVER returning.  And what I did before leaving...  almost knocking her down with my luggage (lie), running down the road ... dad having to chase me with the car (unbelievable lie!), upset that it was difficult to make plane reservations (lie), lol  that's a narcs thing - not mine.  and the last thing she told them was I was upset that I couldn't bring a rabbit home with me.

Notice the obvious.  She avoids answering their question.  Why did she say she's never ever coming back?

She said to my siblings "She's was crazy upset leaving and I don't know why.  Three things happened.,,,"  And she proceeds to invent the above craziness as a roose to keep them from demanding to know WHY I told  my dying father, and siblings that I was leaving and would never see them again.  That this was going to be "goodbye" to our father forever.

In this confusing ridiculous explaination, she leaves them wondering what the hell is wrong with their sister to behave this way??  The wackier the story the better to stave them off demanding to know why she kicked me out of the family again.  She avoids totally ever mentioning this of course AND they faithfully comply by never mentioning it either.  As per every single narcissistically dysfunctionl family would.

They believed her and not one would tell me what she said to them to make them all act so strangely. Even after I told them over and over all that happened. "Kicked me out again same shit different day."  Didn't matter. They didn't believe a word I said because it was totally different from her wacko version.  They would just look at me incredulously. That's how I knew something wasn't right.  Why are they acting like I set a bomb off somewhere??  Because the NM was telling them I was crazy and left in a huff (upsetting dad)  for no reason.

Kicking me out was a major sore spot with my dad.  He fianlly put his foot down on this the last time and it was forbidden to ever happen again. He was seeking to divorce her over this a decade earlier, and part of his agreeing to stay was that if she ever did this again, he WOULD leave.

OH I forgot.  She also twisted the fact that dad wanted to drive me to the Fort Lauderdale airport.  Remember? I told him NO.  She told my siblings she had to convince me to STOP ASKING dad (who was so ill btw he could barely walk and breathe at the same time) to take me to this far away airport!!

But then my father died.

THEN my little sister told me everything.  We were both in total shock of the imagination this woman has.

The truth was....  My god it was so small and simple.  But for a narc the smallest things set them raging and you   are    out   ~!!!    I called for plane reservations and there was some trouble I had to call later.  There was no flight where I wanted to fly from.  Okay I could call later.  NM all of the sudden tells my dad who had just offered to drive me to another airport to GO TO BED. " I told him NO no no you are ill and I would NEVER want you to drive me."He goes to bed.

On his way to the bedroom his breathing was so labored I mentioned this to the NM who was keeping the extent of his illness from us... I said "I could hear him huffing from way over here.  He is very ill" She snapped at me like I was five years old "You NEVER mind!!  You ARE NOT to ask him about his health condition. DO you HEAR ME??  HE can be VERY negative!!"  I was like ?"First of al... what?   I'll ask him whatever I want to ask him"

It's so subtle, but did you catch that?  The narcissistic injury here is nearly impossible for us to catch, see, or comprehend because what injurs these folks so badly, in reality is not fodder for injury of any kind.

The injury is:  In the tiny quote up there the narc hears "Our father is really suffering, and you are lying to us about his condition.  You are keeping this unerwraps, even dealing with his doctors (for him), telling us there is NO name for the condiotion and it's just a mystery. You are a liar!!"

So, in a nutshell, in my concern for our ailing father, instead she hears, "YOU ARE A LIAR".

 BAM THAT my friends was the boundary and implied plea for accountability of truth that got me kicked out AGAIN>  She told me this was her house and I could just get my things and get out if I didn't like it.  I thought about it for a moment and got up and did just that.

Narcissists hate accountability, truth, and BOUNDARIES.

NM goes in the bedroom with my dad and starts in on him with the door closed.  I bust in for the first time in my life and tell him she kicked me out again!!  He shoots her a look and she flies off the bed and screams I'm a LIAR!~!

The last time she kicked me out when she said I could n't come back for five years, he almost divorced her for it... so this was dangerous for her.  And I wasn't playing for the first time in my life.

Nephew Brian knows nothing of this, but only the lies the NM told his mother, as you predicted, and he and she believe them.  Even after how sick I got over all of this... and being treated like this and for the first time to stand up for myself only to find my father too ill to stand for me also.

He remained quiet after only shooting her that look.

He thought about it the whole year he was there dying.  Then he finally called me down.  And that's how it went.

And that's how it goes with these narcs.  Petty.  Stupid petty childish jealousy.

He figured it out but he was too weak to do anything about it.  He died in pain calling for help while the NM withheld his morphine until my brother finally called authorities and she was removed from his care.  But he died without the first shot before the nurse could arrive.  His own bottle of morphine on the kitchen table policed by the NM who then was calling my brother a LIAR.

So you see.  Yeah.  You were right.  It isn't only me.  She has pulled this with all of us.  The stories are more and many and petty and not so petty.  Immoral, illegal, and criminal where what she did do my little sister is concerned.

So little Brian.  You are a fool.  Your mother isn't much different than the NM grammy wack job.  Of course you already know that.  And just like Magnolia put it so well, you will find this in the worst way in about twenty years.  You have the bonus of the sociopath father - so yeah.  You really didn't stand much of a chance from the beginning.

I would NEVER say this to a person who was working to get better and evolve  but narcissists love being narcs. and you my boy are a 34 year old overt narcissist in it's purest form.

Magnolia, YOU rock. Made my day.

I see him swimming, reading, laughing, building his house, dreaming of building a boat... wanting a yacht - being satisfied with neither.

True.  Yesterday is gone and today is a new day.  

With a new day is another chance to improve attitudes.  I have decided to accomplish the overtaking of the last hurdle in this recovery.

The last hurdle has to be the overwhelming sadness about my father's death. You know really it is more over, his life, illness, and death.  

I just couldn't get past how badly he was ripped off in life from birth until his last breath, literally.  The fact that this selfless man just never really lived before he died tormented me.

Although I knew from a very early age it wasn't my responsibility to help him with this, I wanted to.  For my whole life until his death this was a priority for me.  Any bit of happiness I could generate for him just filled me.  Nothing pleased me more much of the time than seeing this precious soul beam with happiness, pride, and joy - however short lived each moment was.

You all know that it never failed, no matter what happiness I could bring or anything wonderful that happened upon his life, the NM promptly took it away.  Or should I say at this point, he allowed her to do so.  Either way, it is jealousy that was the culprit there.  Pure unadulterated childish, hateful, jealousy.  Not only of me, but of every child that belonged to him, of every friend he ever had, of every place he ever went, of every job he ever did, and of every single relative who showed any love for him.

That last paragraph,.... should I be foolish enough now to go into detail, could go on for  another six million words, but I will spare us all. 

The fact is that after his death, I allowed the sadness of all of that to keep me trapped in a tortured memory of the man who I loved so much.  You know what? That's just wrong.  I want to remember him without being sad for him and for me - for us.  I want to remember him without the attached memories of the monster he chose to marry, have children with, and stay with until the end.

And so I am clearing my mind.  I am remembering him now in segments of memories.  

I see him with the fishing pole he made me from bamboo at the pond in Rome, PA... telling me to "Hold it this way".....  I see him at the kitchen table eating his eggs and toast all cut up into little tiny chunks cut this way and that and then cutting mine for me. I see him putting his shoes on for work, my little sister in the highchair, as he smiled at both of us.  

I see him finding the little note I left for him on the kitchen table in Athens, PA when I was 8 years old "Dear Daddy, I love you. Do you love me?  Yes or No? Circle one"...  I see him laughing about me and saying that he wouldn't trade me for a horse.  I see him teaching me how to drive a car...  I see him taking me to purchase my first brand new car right off the new car lot at age 17....  I see him giving me advice about work and money and life... I see him telling me about Korea and the War and about his family and the old times....  I see him with my children, his grandchildren... making them breakfast when we slept over...

I see him swimming, reading, laughing, building his house, dreaming of building a boat... wanting a yacht - being satisfied with neither.  I see him happy for me that I have a good husband.  I see him loving our stories about Egypt and our family there.  I see him listening and understanding... 

When I think of my dad, I always remember how generous he was, and how he was forever happy for others who accomplished anything positive in their lives.  

I have made a conscious decision to disallow my thoughts of him to wander any further than this because otherwise the overwhelming negativity that surrounded his entire life will enjoy yet again life in me as it gnaws away at my happiness. 

Happiness.  It's a good thing.  So good that it deserves protection - at least for now.  

Very soon will be the day when I no longer have to consciously police even my own thoughts, and when that day dawns I will be here telling how it feels to be TOTALLY free.  

So far so good, friends.