Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity: Dealing with Anxiety  - and It's Brief Return I thought this problem was long gone and finished for me, but the fact is that as we ...

If someone comes off as superficial and self centered in the beginning, don't lie to yourself in order to stop the cognitive dissonance!!

NO REGRETS NO ANGER JUST CLARITY

If your gut tells you NO,. Listen heart emoticon

Take a person(s) met decades ago from whom I got a bad first impression, but to be "fair" I tried very hard to second guess my gut:

There has to be clarity and distinction between second guessing one's self in order to be fair, and simply realizing that negativity can in no way ever be respected. Negative actions don't qualify for the fairness clause when evaluating relationships or potential relationships. 

It's really useful to discern what falls under negativity and what is simply another's choices which differ from one's own.

If someone is being manipulative, though, by way of their words or actions, there is no wiggle room for second guessing.

So, dishonesty, then would be the first thing. In-authenticity falls under this umbrella, as does partial authenticity favored by covert manipulators.

Under this are,  false personas and superficiality. my favorite way to tell this is that for these types, (It's all about how it looks) . These folks care deeply about how others perceive them. It is essential they appear important, in control, of more means than is true, or more to the point - better means than the 'others' with whom they are dealing. Oh, not to forget the somatic narcissist who worships his/her own body and just can't wait for the chance to flaunt it.  In case any of them are reading this ... just so you know...  "normal" people can't be bothered with your body.  Each person who is interested in personal growth and acceptance, cares first for all other things than your body!!

For these toxic types, things like humility, honesty, and authenticity are the weaknesses of others. In addition, the persons who values these, are assumed to be foolish by the superficial manipulator. The only intelligent persons in the room are those who don't show their hand, those who have all the power, and to achieve this, they must and do have all the control. (Those who are convincing liars and have a little crew of enablers behind them).

It's a bonus deal for toxic types when they come across the authentic person. First they jump on the fact that they are gong to profit in a myriad of ways from the target's honesty and willingness to please. Then the manipulator gets an on the spot instant reward. In their underestimation, the authentic person is beneath the manipulator.

Notice their instant gratification as they project onto the target an (less-than) inferior image. Usually the target 'feels' this negative projection right away. Unless they are aware of the workings of the mind of a manipulator, they will take on this projection in the moment and in future interactions with such a person.

When one is wrapped in this situation, it can be difficult to pinpoint just why things feel this way. A decent person hesitates to go with their gut which is telling them, "This person is superficial, unauthentic, seems void of natural feelings... and frankly dangerous to me".

Your gut tells you to back away, but before you listen to your gut, in the moments you are discerning, the manipulator is touching buttons in your mind, heart, and soul, with his/her words until something clicks with you - or they hit on a match to whatever it is that fits your needs - turns you on. When they see your neurons respond, they know they have you.

Afterward, you may still wonder... why did I feel such a way? Something isn't right. but then you tell yourself, "But they said this and this. I must be mistaken."

NO!! Your gut is never off.

Always follow your gut.

We are intelligent enough, we often start out right, being intuitive and getting it, but then it is in the non trusting of our own gut reactions where the trouble begins.

I have even fought my heart and went with my gut over the years, but eventually the manipulator still recovers and gets over.

Once I was fool enough to confess to a person in my life my first impression, and apologize for being judgmental. Yeah, it's not long after the successful bait and hook, a decades long scheme to profit in someway (by the sweat of your brow or tears of your heart or both), that you finally realize what it was all about. Of course followed by the thought "I should have listened to my own intuition."

 Another time, I did the same about my sister's narcissistic husband.  I confessed to her of my past impression of him and how sorry I was.  But, he showed again very soon that, no, I was right.  (You know these are times in your life when you sure would love to be wrong).

If the stakes are high enough, certain toxic types don't discourage easily. They can wait patiently for years to reap their rewards.

Best part is the healing and self awareness. I write this now without anger, but in gratitude. It feels really good to not be angry. Anything lost to toxic types I've figured out can be chalked up to an investment in self awareness. For some of us it costs more and takes longer, but that's all for good reason. And that's fine.

Finally, I have no regrets with regard to this issue!

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If someone comes off as superficial and self centered in the beginning, don't lie to yourself in order to stop the cognitive dissonance!!

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity: Dealing with Anxiety  - and It's Brief Return I thought this problem was long gone and finished for me, but the fact is that as we ...

Dealing with the Return of Anexity

Dealing with Anxiety  - and It's Brief Return

I thought this problem was long gone and finished for me, but the fact is that as we are healing, when confronted with opportunities to respect ourselves with the placing of healthy boundaries in long term relationships, we can be faced with negativity instead of cooperation.

Here's what happened recently to me.

I told Khaled who is packing to leave for Egypt actually just after tomorrow, that I might not go to Egypt and that maybe since we are thinking to sell our place there, he should start bringing  back my things little by little.  Furthermore, I said, " I'd rather spend the money you were going to spend on my ticket for Egypt,  here in the States, visiting my children."

He shut that down.  How does he do this over the years?  He uses money.  He told me what makes me think he's paying for my trip anywhere?  I should be saving the money he gives me for housewares, food, toiletries, and gifts for that.

Only a few weeks ago, he was asking me when he should buy my ticket for Egypt.  He was hoping to go during the week I'm typing this.  I wasn't sure when I would go but for sure not now.  That was fine, so he bought his ticket and he was going to buy mine whenever I decided to go.

Usually he's is a fair person, so of course this caused me to experience cognitive dissonance which shot my mind's experience into a post traumatic stress shift.

Then I experienced everything I used to when I suffered from anxiety.  From the shaking that you just cannot stop, to the bewilderment, finally exhaustion .

When I first started experiencing anxiety and free floating anxiety, I remember exactly where I was and who it was that was pounding on my mind at the time.

It was the NM.  Over and over and over she would drill about the Arabs and the Jews and how could I marry an Arab man.  Don't I worry he will take the children to Egypt and run?  All kinds of inaccurate accusations about Arabs and propagandized information pounded onto my soul.  All the while I was defending my husband and myself and the whole Arab nation with the limited book knowledge I had at the time, with my wealth of  first hand knowledge as well.

As the NM continued, my sides would begin to shake and then to my back all down to the small of my back where the anxiety would set in like the combination of a jack hammer in the street and the drill of a dentist.  As this is happening I am crying and begging her to just let it go, just stop.  She continues and I get cramps.  Sweat pours from my hands and I am driven by pain to the bathroom where bright yellow bile shoots to the bowl.

I return to the NM and she continues... the anxiety remains ..  until the visit is over and I am about two hours into the trip home.  Driving late .. midnight blue sky and quiet, I tell myself it feels so much better to be going to my home away from her.  On the other hand I tell myself she's my mother.  I will always respect her.  There is my father there who is not like her and if I bring more things, better things she might like, or if I say the right things, or if I work more when I'm there, maybe next time will be better, and we can have a relationship - all of us .. the kids can have grandparents here in the United States.

Now it's three hours and I have already repeated and dissected to myself in the car all of the abusive things she said to me.  I still cannot understand WHY she is saying these things and for what reason.  BUT now I feel somewhat better. The shaking is now a deep hum.

And that's how the anxiety all began.  I was 25-35. It was that decade I foolishly allowed the NM to do the most damage.  I took it on like a camel does a whole family's  burdens all across the dessert.  I was going to be the good and dutiful daughter even if it killed me.

And it almost did.

Between the ages of 45 - 50, I was hospitalized over and over and over for physical problems, including one near death experience and just under a week in the intensive care unit.

It was the near death experience that was my wake up call.

I have been on a quest for emotional healing from the ages of 50 - 55.  That brings us up to date.

The physical problems are nearly resolved all by dealing with the emotional traumatic events and the aftermath that followed.  I have lost over a hundred pounds since going no contact with the NM and didn't diet after the initial 6 months on Atkins.  The weight fell off on it's own after a life-long binge eating disorder was totally healed.

So when I experience anything that feels like the NM's poundings, the anxiety is triggered back.  Thankfully, Khaled is nothing like the NM so I am rarely triggered. But, yesterday was an exception.

I went to bed with the anxiety and slept without distractions for hours and hours and hours .. then through the whole night, and then half of today.

That's how taxing anxiety is on your body.  In my youth I was strong enough to keep going ... taking care of the house, husband, kids,  a job, and more.. all while fighting it.  Now, though, I am fortunate to have the opportunity to deal with it, instead.  

I sit here typing now without being the least bit anxious or experiencing any of the shaking, drilling, or even the humms..

Just curious though, will Khaled ever be interested in learning any of this?  Seems to me if he knew how this all made me feel, he might decide to stop playing these games over money.

How will he know how I feel as a result of mind games unless he is open enough to hear and interested enough to care?

I tried to explain this to Khaled earlier, but when I looked up again as I was speaking to him, he was gone.  He had walked out of the room in search of medicine for his allergy.  I had been speaking to the walls.

I realize how much this man is able to care about the reality of the situation.

Question is:  What do I do now?

Well I know what I am not going to do.  I'm not a victim.  I have not to complain.   I am going to do what is good and right for me. Continuing this healing path,  attracting to my life positive experiences.

Khaled is adorable.  He is an adorable child, half asleep.  I'll always love him.

I have to know that when the time is right he will hear me about this.  Until then I hear myself, and I care about myself.  That's what counts most.

But, yeah I wanted to share how we can be gong along in recovery and all of the sudden life challenges us with these things.  Instead of seeing this as stepping backward, I see it as a continuation in the recovery.

I imagine life will offer me all kinds of opportunities to continue to grow - And that's a good thing.