VALIDATION!! THANK YOU LOST CHILD SISTER!!

You know, when we love someone who is struggling emotionally and not intentionally hurting us (and NOT a narcissist), it is so worth it to do what it is that we can and then walk away until they do the work and catch up and come back.

Below is the amazing long-awaited conclusion to the saga of my precious little sister and I after reconnecting. After our father's death, we were both struggling to figure out our toxic family of origin, and our selves - and then along the way major life events triggered high stress interactions, derailing our progress for six years.

Both of us took those six years to seriously do the work in our own lives to come to this healthier point in recovery.

Previous posts on this blog tell the whole story up to before yesterday in detail, but not until today did I get to post this joyful moment of our re-connection as sisters - both practicing self care and placing boundaries!!

So below is what I messaged to her today after a very validating and healthy discussion with her yesterday, sparking our newfound sisterhood in recovery:
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Just to clarify so we get off on the right foot.  Not to rehash and ask for any kind of apology.  I understand your intentions and the reasons for everything that happened with us and not now nor at anytime before did I think you had wrongful intentions.  I always knew John was behind what I saw during the time you bought that house as erratic and controlling behavior.

I said in our chat that it was because of the computer incident that all of what followed happened.  But that was a seed.

Here's how it went.  After you called me and yes I did hear confusion in your voice, but your words said .. "Please just tell us if you needed to get into John's computer for an emergency or something because yours wasn't working."  You said that multiple times after I was very clear that NO my computer was fine.   You surprised me when instead of saying Okay then we have to get to the bottom of why it shows up on his computer.... because you did not touch it and I believe you.  No problem I will look into this with a computer expert and get back to you...   Instead,  You said, "Do you think I'm lying?  I am looking at it on the screen right now. It says (the login)"!!

After that I was sure I would never step foot in John's house again.  I didn't want things to deteriorate with us so I was willing to wait and see how you would handle my pending validation.

You bought that new place and I was genuinely excited.  On my arrival (please understand that you were clearly under the influence of this emotional abuser) there was a welcome followed by the rules for being there.   Only a certain dish could be used in the microwave because it busted others.  Certain pots and pans were off limits. Things like don't use steel utensils with such and such dishes because they will be destroyed were annoying because it was a nobrainer.  The stove-top was a major issue and warnings were given.  ....   This all set the tone.  It just didn't feel right.

Then there was the next visit building the landing, doggie door and fence.  By this time I barely recognized you.  I tried to be kind and even helpful, but nothing and I do mean nothing I did for you or with you would have ever been good enough.  I don't know what he was doing to you but it made you even check out and dissociate.  It was raining and it really felt like being with dad when he was abusive.  You actually picked up that thing you dragged from the basement when I was bent over trying to pull the leg of it loose from a stubborn rock and you slammed it without realizing it dropped on my shoulder.   Every single thing I said or did to help was rejected or wrong.  I walked on eggshells like I hadn't in decades that weekend.  

I tried for years to dissect this in my blog and in my journal.  I wrote extensively about the three visits, including and ending with the one I decided to be unconscious for.

I wrote about that too.  and I am disappointed in my choice to come regardless of promising myself after leaving the trip of the fence project I could never ever go back to your place.  Not that I was mad, or unloving with you..but that I could not be treated like that ever again and it was just something that kept happening.  It wasn't changing.  I couldn't place a single boundary.  And so yeah why would it change.

You should know in Florida when Buster was ill you behaved very much the same way.   That time too was very difficult, dismissive, controlling, and hurtful.   Again.  boundaries.  My fault as much as yours.   All of this is.

Going forward you have to know that I do place healthy boundaries now. It's helpful anyway for everyone to understand openly as one goes along how each other prefer to be treated or interacted with.  In a way this message is my first,  yikes: but it's honest and where I am coming from.   You need to know that going forward all of these past events having been validated by now and sure not to be repeated,... are just that.  the past and done.  Finally answers.  It's important to me.   Thank you.

So I conclude that high stress events might trigger behaviors that we aren't aware of.  I guess too that's where boundaries are essential.

I hope going forward we both will see the value in what might seem like annoyances when we place a boundary ...  I really do.  but I think it's possible we are both far enough along in recovery to appreciate that.

Yeah I needed to just be sue to be clear in a condensed version of the past signifying events.
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I received a loving and fully understanding answer.

Even though this was not a sympathy ploy or anything like that...my sister lovingly again apologized and validated every word, taking accountability.
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Now we can go forward in our relationship - first getting our feet wet again at my son's upcoming wedding!  The both of us have reserved rooms in the same a hotel for a few days!

I see a beautiful way clear for our relationship to build from this healthier foundation. Something I have wanted to come about for us for a very long time xx 

Lack of empathy in relationships that is NOT narcissistically driven ....

Okay here I am talking about finally approaching this subject with my primary relationship now. 

and my phone ran out so this is a continuation.

The story continues with Khaled being ten years old in the small city of Ismailia Egypt during the onset of the six day war with Israel.  He was crouched in the basement of his parents' huge apartment building for foreigners when the bombing took place.  During those days nobody knew how long they be trying to avoid being blasted to bits like the building above.  He and his eleven brothers and sisters were there a full seven days with their mother.   When the War was over, he was sent for bread in the streets where he saw body parts blown to bits.  The mind of a ten year old absorbed this trauma and wanted to do something for someone.  something right.  Inevitably he was attacked anyway for voicing his concerns and feelings during this time of extremes.   His mother was juggling 12 children and likely a pregnancy...  her marital issues, and the fact that everything they had worked for and loved was gone.  A ten year old's perspective and emotional need wasn't a priority.  It was then Khaled said that his defenses about feeling emotion were born.  And the hold this has on him is powerful my friends. .. very powerful.  

Introduction video : My Youtube Channel

So I finally opened a channel on Youtube and joined the Adult Child of Narcissistic families community.  Here's my first video.

Well I didn't edit or do the video over... this is the only attempt so lots of goof ups, but the authenticity is what comes through.

Anyway glad to finally be here and getting ready to share my story with the youtube community.  Thanks for the supportive youtubers who have helped me and others immeasurably  .  

Oh Lord Please Dont let me be Misunderstood

A truer statement was never said than that of the one here.

I spent the first five decades of my life exhausting my own energy trying to make myself understood.

Trying to prove myself, I would justify my intent and actions. And so often before going no contact with my family of origin I found myself trying to repair bonds with loved ones.  These bonds were weakened and broken over and over by way of the slow drip of innuendo by the narcissist in control.  In any case, it was the NM. The Narcissistic Monster... I mean narcissistic mother.

And for what?

The only person I really need to understand is me.  The only person I need to prove things to is me.  The person I respect most is me, and ultimately the one I love and do understand most is myself, and so it is myself that really matters in the scheme of things.

When my dad was alive, he was the one I most loved in the FOO, and the one I knew not without doubt though, loved me regardless of the lies my jealous NM invented between us.  It was all I could do to make myself available to him at anytime and in anyway no matter the up to 1500 mile difference between us - and no matter the constant whispering in his ear whether by way of suggestion or her out right lies.  (and btw thinking of him and caring for him was most of what I did do.  My family suffered for it.  My kids and husband could have had better lives had I  been more present for them).

I couldn't read his mind to know what she made up next nor could I or would I imagine, but I could supply him with his needs (his wardrobe over the course of every year) and other things  every chance I got to make the trip. For sure birthdays, holidays, and usually anniversaries, as well as other visits when he was still in NY state.  In Florida though I still managed and with a full and happy heart.

I did all I could do for him and NM also since he had virtually no autonomy.

There is no doubt that all during the years of NM's emotional abuse and lies I was a dutiful and loving daughter.  Even so along the way, the decades were marked with kickouts for placing boundaries.  She'd kick me out of the family and he'd eventually insist she get in touch and ask me back.  All the siblings heard from me the the exact story for why I was no contact during kickouts, but her story was evidently totally different.  Someone had to be either crazy or lying or both.

Jealousy is an awful, horrible, and childish thing.

I have my own problems but jealousy was never one of them.  I could never understand jealousy.  My dad was the same way his whole life.  Always happy for others' successes and happiness.  It's so simple.  To be happy for others is a very simple thing.  I can't be bothered with the difficulty and negativity that jealousy entails.

Turns out the reason for the NM's lies about me was her jealousy of my relationship with and love for, my dad.  Had I NOT been such the dutiful daughter I would have suffered under her lies and control way less, ironically.  Still, though, she would have then complained to relatives that I was a neglectful daughter.  You cannot win with narcissists.  Nothing is enough, nothing is good enough, and nothing you do for them will accomplish getting a mother, being loved, or even just not be spoken badly of.

So now yeah I live my life.  I understand myself and I don't feel prompted to make or want others to understand me or my actions.. or even my reasoning.  I don't have to justify anything I say or do to anyone but myself.  If it is okay by me, it must be right.  If it doesn't feel right, then it's not okay by me and I need to do some work.  And that's that.

Again simple.

Simple is the way to go.

Goes well with my marriage also...  Happily married 31 years as of last week!!  Well, over those thirty years, most of them were happy.  Better now than ever I'd say and that's something.

I still have work to do and that's okay -  Likely always will -  The thing is it gets easier and just keeps getting better all the time.

Borderline Condensed Version to the Discard

I still find borderlines fascinating people with the most interesting minds.  More and more of them are getting the help they need to understand themselves and find growth and recovery.

Maybe when I figure out what it is about me that fascinates me about them I will come to some epiphany about myself ... who knows.

But in the meantime I'd like to discuss this latest one up to the discard and how different all that was for me in recovery.

I found this 28 year old girl on youtube who sat in her bedroom and just talked.  She was interesting because she was so intelligent.

She was funny, could be very cute, mean, kind, authentic, just real.  But hen she would come on and say "Everything I told you was a  lie."

She'd do things like offer a taro card reading in a contest and invite you to go on her site and sign up for it, then the next day after you did, she'd say in a video that people are just looking for a handout.

She started asking for money.  I told her I didn't send money online to anyone.  But then when she said she was interested in Egypt, I told her that since being on her site she had my email and if she wanted she could send me her address and I'd send her some things I'd acquired from Egypt.  I thought that would be fun since she's alone there in her room and she seemed appreciative of things others gave her as much as a decade ago.  I thought it would brighten her day and bring a smile.

Her vlog was all about her healing journey and I was observing her progress.  She was diagnosed with BPD and DID but without medicine or therapy at the time.  I thought her diligence was amazing.. her tenacity and desire so deeply to discover why she had these problems and how to grow past them was inspiring.  I was rooting for her.

I watched her videos everyday for a couple of months and my likes and shares brought that channel alive, she said.  I was commenting often ... daily sometimes, and she often said that that was good but she's doing this channel for herself, not others.  I understood all of that.  I was rooting for her.  She would once in a while answer my comments.  Very black and white, though, as in either a "thank you"  or a grandiose rant.

She did hour long videos one, two, three times everyday.  I started watching less of them as the weather outside began to improve as one has other things to do besides watch videos most the of the day.  Not that there has to be accountability for such a choice but that's actually how it was.

I settled into watching her instead of everyday, every other day or so and commenting sparsely.  She answered a comment with "You haven't been on lately.  Miss that."

She was attention seeking which didn't go well with her "authenticity" that I enjoyed so much.   The attention seeking was a turn off to me.  I clicked off those videos and saw her less.  

I told her in the beginning that I liked her for the reasons above here.  She made me laugh and I was rooting for her and I added "And look.. you didn't drive me away yet." The tone was with a wink.

So I went into this with eyes wide open.  Knowing that day might come, and not to allow her access deep enough to affect me personally.

She started ranting about not liking people who are bashing narcissists.  She started saying she was a narcissist and narcissists are people too and need more understanding.  I told her she's no narcissist as far as I was concerned.  She said something about how damaging they can be and I told her "I don't take those assholes seriously anymore."

What a shame that most (not all) borderlines are so interesting and intelligent and sensitive but that they destroy themselves to the point of not being able to be productive in the world and even with themselves.  I was really hoping there might be the exception with this girl as I have seen in one or two others.

I told her a couple of times about AJ Mahari who is so helpful with borderlines and she is online.  I told her that her videos even without to pay would be a really good resource.  All of my suggestions were ignored.

She was so grandiose and controlling that even the thought that an outside influence might be helpful painfully escaped her.

This girl was determined to fix herself though, and that is kind of what was so interesting and amazing.

Her determination to discover herself took her deep into areas that were revealing, embarrassing, incredibly deep and disturbing... but still she would hang onto those borderline traits in order to derail the effort.

These times were dotted with distractions like pretending to be someone she wasn't.  By fake crying and attention seeking .. play acting for the camera.  Then bringing in other personalities..  Then talking about energies in her room distracting her, affecting her progress.  Then she started cursing the energies and fighting with invisible entities on either side of her.  Most of that was clearly for the cameras.  It was then that I started watching her videos less.

I figured I saw her progress to a great point, but that she was determined to derail any further value.

She started explaining that she was fearful of not having money for food.  She worried that her foodstamps either had stopped or were going to stop.  She lived with her dad who totally took care of all of her overhead expenses, and he would deliver to her room from time to time coca cola or other things so I didn't take that plea very seriously.

Although, she still kept mentioning the money thing and she did a video pleading for someone to just send her some money.  This,she said, she thought would really help her with this fear problem.

I didn't' comment and rarely watched after that.

But, I would click her on to see how she was doing, not watch the whole video or comment.

THEN:

I saw a title "CLOSING DOWN CHANNEL" .. where she did a video saying she didn't think what she had to say had value and that people didn't want to hear what she had to say.

Actually she was right and she was wrong.  The times she was authentic, her voice was so valuable.  But those other times when she was attention seeking and diverting the viewer, not so much.

I popped on a last time and told her she was very valuable as a person, and a voice.  I, for one, thought she had value. No comment... not a problem as she often didn't respond.  Like anything in life for me, I don't comment to get a response.  I guess you could say my participation is unconditional .. hehe.

She chose a different video with which  to respond, however, for the discard.

She found a video from way back where I had commented that for her to remember while she is "helping others"  as she went through the stages of her healing, I was available if she needed help.  I was talking about counsel, NOT money lol.

She then,passive aggressively replied on that video:  "Kathleen, I would appreciate it if you did not comment on any of my videos anymore, and further, do not watch any of my videos or channels or contact me ever again."

Classic.

Early on, she did email me her address and I did send her a package with items from Egypt I though she would like and a butterfly ring to symbolize her flight to wellness and change.  She thanked me.. that she got the items and they are very nice.  The papyrus was hanging on the wall in her bedroom and that was cute.  It is uncharacteristic for me to share my giving history but relevant in this case.

Anyway, yeah I was hoping for her that these calls for money and these videos chastising viewers.. telling them F you and I do these videos for ME not any of you ... were just a bump in the road of  recovery and that she would maybe seek more counsel or improve, but it was, instead, a fast track to the discard of the whole channel.

She did one more video saying she was shutting down the channel and "I hate you all!!"

What a waste of a mind.

I wish her well in thought and in mind, but, not online.  I honored her request and deleted her.

Now what I learned here was just how far I have come in my own recovery from these assholes.

The discarding of me was predictable and not damaging.  Being able to understand what without the education on the subject would make no sense, is key for me.

Without this understanding, I would have been hurt.  I would have questioned myself and the whole thing for years.  Why why why.  Just like all of the discard dealings with the NM .. why why why... and the confusion, hurt, and disappointment.  Decades of confounding wonder in the quiet times.

All of that results in a person coming off to others as confused and clueless... no wonder my kindness was often taken for weakness and or stupidity over all of those years.

It wasn't society and others that were cruel and wrong, but rather it was me presenting as the reactive result of the mindfuck of "loved ones" and others, - NOT the person I am.  

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity: Dealing with Anxiety  - and It's Brief Return I thought this problem was long gone and finished for me, but the fact is that as we ...

If someone comes off as superficial and self centered in the beginning, don't lie to yourself in order to stop the cognitive dissonance!!

NO REGRETS NO ANGER JUST CLARITY

If your gut tells you NO,. Listen heart emoticon

Take a person(s) met decades ago from whom I got a bad first impression, but to be "fair" I tried very hard to second guess my gut:

There has to be clarity and distinction between second guessing one's self in order to be fair, and simply realizing that negativity can in no way ever be respected. Negative actions don't qualify for the fairness clause when evaluating relationships or potential relationships. 

It's really useful to discern what falls under negativity and what is simply another's choices which differ from one's own.

If someone is being manipulative, though, by way of their words or actions, there is no wiggle room for second guessing.

So, dishonesty, then would be the first thing. In-authenticity falls under this umbrella, as does partial authenticity favored by covert manipulators.

Under this are,  false personas and superficiality. my favorite way to tell this is that for these types, (It's all about how it looks) . These folks care deeply about how others perceive them. It is essential they appear important, in control, of more means than is true, or more to the point - better means than the 'others' with whom they are dealing. Oh, not to forget the somatic narcissist who worships his/her own body and just can't wait for the chance to flaunt it.  In case any of them are reading this ... just so you know...  "normal" people can't be bothered with your body.  Each person who is interested in personal growth and acceptance, cares first for all other things than your body!!

For these toxic types, things like humility, honesty, and authenticity are the weaknesses of others. In addition, the persons who values these, are assumed to be foolish by the superficial manipulator. The only intelligent persons in the room are those who don't show their hand, those who have all the power, and to achieve this, they must and do have all the control. (Those who are convincing liars and have a little crew of enablers behind them).

It's a bonus deal for toxic types when they come across the authentic person. First they jump on the fact that they are gong to profit in a myriad of ways from the target's honesty and willingness to please. Then the manipulator gets an on the spot instant reward. In their underestimation, the authentic person is beneath the manipulator.

Notice their instant gratification as they project onto the target an (less-than) inferior image. Usually the target 'feels' this negative projection right away. Unless they are aware of the workings of the mind of a manipulator, they will take on this projection in the moment and in future interactions with such a person.

When one is wrapped in this situation, it can be difficult to pinpoint just why things feel this way. A decent person hesitates to go with their gut which is telling them, "This person is superficial, unauthentic, seems void of natural feelings... and frankly dangerous to me".

Your gut tells you to back away, but before you listen to your gut, in the moments you are discerning, the manipulator is touching buttons in your mind, heart, and soul, with his/her words until something clicks with you - or they hit on a match to whatever it is that fits your needs - turns you on. When they see your neurons respond, they know they have you.

Afterward, you may still wonder... why did I feel such a way? Something isn't right. but then you tell yourself, "But they said this and this. I must be mistaken."

NO!! Your gut is never off.

Always follow your gut.

We are intelligent enough, we often start out right, being intuitive and getting it, but then it is in the non trusting of our own gut reactions where the trouble begins.

I have even fought my heart and went with my gut over the years, but eventually the manipulator still recovers and gets over.

Once I was fool enough to confess to a person in my life my first impression, and apologize for being judgmental. Yeah, it's not long after the successful bait and hook, a decades long scheme to profit in someway (by the sweat of your brow or tears of your heart or both), that you finally realize what it was all about. Of course followed by the thought "I should have listened to my own intuition."

 Another time, I did the same about my sister's narcissistic husband.  I confessed to her of my past impression of him and how sorry I was.  But, he showed again very soon that, no, I was right.  (You know these are times in your life when you sure would love to be wrong).

If the stakes are high enough, certain toxic types don't discourage easily. They can wait patiently for years to reap their rewards.

Best part is the healing and self awareness. I write this now without anger, but in gratitude. It feels really good to not be angry. Anything lost to toxic types I've figured out can be chalked up to an investment in self awareness. For some of us it costs more and takes longer, but that's all for good reason. And that's fine.

Finally, I have no regrets with regard to this issue!

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If someone comes off as superficial and self centered in the beginning, don't lie to yourself in order to stop the cognitive dissonance!!

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity: Dealing with Anxiety  - and It's Brief Return I thought this problem was long gone and finished for me, but the fact is that as we ...

Dealing with the Return of Anexity

Dealing with Anxiety  - and It's Brief Return

I thought this problem was long gone and finished for me, but the fact is that as we are healing, when confronted with opportunities to respect ourselves with the placing of healthy boundaries in long term relationships, we can be faced with negativity instead of cooperation.

Here's what happened recently to me.

I told Khaled who is packing to leave for Egypt actually just after tomorrow, that I might not go to Egypt and that maybe since we are thinking to sell our place there, he should start bringing  back my things little by little.  Furthermore, I said, " I'd rather spend the money you were going to spend on my ticket for Egypt,  here in the States, visiting my children."

He shut that down.  How does he do this over the years?  He uses money.  He told me what makes me think he's paying for my trip anywhere?  I should be saving the money he gives me for housewares, food, toiletries, and gifts for that.

Only a few weeks ago, he was asking me when he should buy my ticket for Egypt.  He was hoping to go during the week I'm typing this.  I wasn't sure when I would go but for sure not now.  That was fine, so he bought his ticket and he was going to buy mine whenever I decided to go.

Usually he's is a fair person, so of course this caused me to experience cognitive dissonance which shot my mind's experience into a post traumatic stress shift.

Then I experienced everything I used to when I suffered from anxiety.  From the shaking that you just cannot stop, to the bewilderment, finally exhaustion .

When I first started experiencing anxiety and free floating anxiety, I remember exactly where I was and who it was that was pounding on my mind at the time.

It was the NM.  Over and over and over she would drill about the Arabs and the Jews and how could I marry an Arab man.  Don't I worry he will take the children to Egypt and run?  All kinds of inaccurate accusations about Arabs and propagandized information pounded onto my soul.  All the while I was defending my husband and myself and the whole Arab nation with the limited book knowledge I had at the time, with my wealth of  first hand knowledge as well.

As the NM continued, my sides would begin to shake and then to my back all down to the small of my back where the anxiety would set in like the combination of a jack hammer in the street and the drill of a dentist.  As this is happening I am crying and begging her to just let it go, just stop.  She continues and I get cramps.  Sweat pours from my hands and I am driven by pain to the bathroom where bright yellow bile shoots to the bowl.

I return to the NM and she continues... the anxiety remains ..  until the visit is over and I am about two hours into the trip home.  Driving late .. midnight blue sky and quiet, I tell myself it feels so much better to be going to my home away from her.  On the other hand I tell myself she's my mother.  I will always respect her.  There is my father there who is not like her and if I bring more things, better things she might like, or if I say the right things, or if I work more when I'm there, maybe next time will be better, and we can have a relationship - all of us .. the kids can have grandparents here in the United States.

Now it's three hours and I have already repeated and dissected to myself in the car all of the abusive things she said to me.  I still cannot understand WHY she is saying these things and for what reason.  BUT now I feel somewhat better. The shaking is now a deep hum.

And that's how the anxiety all began.  I was 25-35. It was that decade I foolishly allowed the NM to do the most damage.  I took it on like a camel does a whole family's  burdens all across the dessert.  I was going to be the good and dutiful daughter even if it killed me.

And it almost did.

Between the ages of 45 - 50, I was hospitalized over and over and over for physical problems, including one near death experience and just under a week in the intensive care unit.

It was the near death experience that was my wake up call.

I have been on a quest for emotional healing from the ages of 50 - 55.  That brings us up to date.

The physical problems are nearly resolved all by dealing with the emotional traumatic events and the aftermath that followed.  I have lost over a hundred pounds since going no contact with the NM and didn't diet after the initial 6 months on Atkins.  The weight fell off on it's own after a life-long binge eating disorder was totally healed.

So when I experience anything that feels like the NM's poundings, the anxiety is triggered back.  Thankfully, Khaled is nothing like the NM so I am rarely triggered. But, yesterday was an exception.

I went to bed with the anxiety and slept without distractions for hours and hours and hours .. then through the whole night, and then half of today.

That's how taxing anxiety is on your body.  In my youth I was strong enough to keep going ... taking care of the house, husband, kids,  a job, and more.. all while fighting it.  Now, though, I am fortunate to have the opportunity to deal with it, instead.  

I sit here typing now without being the least bit anxious or experiencing any of the shaking, drilling, or even the humms..

Just curious though, will Khaled ever be interested in learning any of this?  Seems to me if he knew how this all made me feel, he might decide to stop playing these games over money.

How will he know how I feel as a result of mind games unless he is open enough to hear and interested enough to care?

I tried to explain this to Khaled earlier, but when I looked up again as I was speaking to him, he was gone.  He had walked out of the room in search of medicine for his allergy.  I had been speaking to the walls.

I realize how much this man is able to care about the reality of the situation.

Question is:  What do I do now?

Well I know what I am not going to do.  I'm not a victim.  I have not to complain.   I am going to do what is good and right for me. Continuing this healing path,  attracting to my life positive experiences.

Khaled is adorable.  He is an adorable child, half asleep.  I'll always love him.

I have to know that when the time is right he will hear me about this.  Until then I hear myself, and I care about myself.  That's what counts most.

But, yeah I wanted to share how we can be gong along in recovery and all of the sudden life challenges us with these things.  Instead of seeing this as stepping backward, I see it as a continuation in the recovery.

I imagine life will offer me all kinds of opportunities to continue to grow - And that's a good thing.