Feeling thankful for being able to have my father again in my relationship with my son

A child needs a few really close, loving, trusting relationships in the formative years in order that he/she may grow properly.

Without such relationships and interactions, pathways and connections are not formed/fully formed.

With missing connections and deviated pathways, the brain struggles to make sense of the simplest things in life.

These things include the meaning of relationships, the reasons for happenings, the idea that we all have choices which will ultimately influence the direction our lives.

The most important to puzzle those with missing pathways and connections is love and the meaning of real love, as opposed to conditional love which is the opposite of love. This is - FEAR.

Since these folks struggle with love, they often accept the opposite, readily, which is fear - and their entire lives are driven by fear. This is where they feel comfortable - what they think they understand, and what motivates them.

I did make those early, positive-formative connections with my dad, a neighbor school teacher, and my grandmother.  Thankfully, although in so many ways even these weren't always present and therefore, sufficient enough - I managed to limp along through a failed first marriage and onto a successful second marriage, giving birth to and raising three children.

So, I have had this sort of struggle with building smoother pathways and better connections. But, it can be done and I have done it.

To this day those great early influences are never far from my thoughts and soul. They actually are with me always - and I refer to them in memory whenever I need to regroup to the beginning of me.

The intermediate connections are with my husband and his mother and one sister - and after that, my children.

I like to see those latter connections as a smoother to the choppy pathways on which I limped along for so long.  Finally, now, after five decades, I'd say those mental pathways are as complete as they are going to get before I leave this earth - and it's an okay thing that really I have, with determination, come this far.

This was my way.  Not necessarily a great or not so great way to become who I am.  It is the way that I needed to get to where I am - and that's okay.

I have no regrets about the first marriage, nor do I harbor ill feelings for the person with whom I was married.  About his family though, I cannot say the same.  His mother was a covert narcissist and two of his sisters, also. Not really wonderful experiencing life surrounded by yet another narcissist, but I did learn heaps.

As far as my childhood and my FOO (family of origin), I have no personal regrets - not even for having loved the narcissistic mother who gave birth to me. Nor for the kindness and generosity I offered my entire FOO.  I learned way more than heaps from all of them.

My dad was a different story.  He was more than a learning experience. He was a precious loving, giving, and receiving experience from whom I took most of what makes me who I am. Turns out my dad is most of what makes my eldest son who he is also, and knowing this - seeing this - and feeling this makes me very happy.

I couldn't have my dad when he was alive for the most part as you all know, and I surely cannot have him now - but, I do have the essence of who he was, and I've passed that onto my children both genetically and emotionally.

I cannot imagine not having the presence of him. His presence is with me when I get up from the computer and begin to straighten up to walk - I feel just like he used to look getting up from his reclining chair to retrieve a cup of coffee from the kitchen.  I see him also in my eldest son's soft caring beautiful brown eyes, and in his generosity of kindness and spirit - and for goodness sake, his great ambition.

Feeling thankful for being able to have my father again in my relationship with my son.

6-10 in a hundred - So how is it that every single sibling married a narcissist at some point in their lives?

Debbie and Daddy

So let me go through this here.  I think after ten years, I have the narcissism figured out in my family of origin.

FOO:  Family of Origin.

NM:  Narcissistic Mother

Every single family member of the FOO had a very wounded inner child except for the the mother - matriarch. She had a wonderful childhood.  Strangely enough, though, she's the narcissist/psychopath. Characterized by planning and controlling... and planning and planning, and controlling.

My dad was severely neglected, emotionally and physically abused, and over worked as a child. He grew up with an avoidant, co-dependent personality type with borderline features.

His paranoia made relating difficult and this was purposely exacerbated by the NM. He was a lifetime anxiety sufferer and also an infrequent patient of depression.

The most generous person I ever knew with the biggest heart, my dad was a happy, hard worker. He had ambition, always a hop in his step and he went to work an hour early everyday.

 Dad enjoyed his work, but he was happiest when someone else reached a goal or received a wonderful gift.

His mother did right, though, by impressing on all the children the importance of practicing their religion - living it.  Being the best person they could be.

Even though the NM refused to allow any of us, including Dad, to attend the Catholic Church, dad kept that religion in his heart and practiced it daily, He was praying several times a day and reading the Catholic Bible regularly.  (In their elderly years) much later, Dad threatened to divorce NM for kicking me out of the family (again), and she finally did, then, use religion to win him back.

NM became a Catholic, and then the two of them attended church together.

She's the typical narc. though. Religion is for show for narcissists and in her case, psychopath ... But, man.  She could use that tool.

All his life I figure my dad was the living dead until he was dying, and that's when the rubber hit the road.  His days were numbered, literally, and there wasn't anymore time to waste playing along with the narc's games.

 He shut her off in his head, and started searching his mind for all the years of his life - A life review in preparation for his death  He watched baseball (which btw, NM never allowed on tv all the years I remember), or he'd stare out of the hospital picture window, rather than look at NM. It was then that he'd about figured her lies out, suspected her manipulations, and stopped participating in her triangulations. These were his last weeks when he called for his children, and I flew from Pennsylvania to Florida to be with him for three days.

First time in Dad's whole life to take his kids over the NM. You see with her, it was always her and him against us.  Then she'd have us against us. Him against us - you name it.  She was totally against harmony in the family. Love and caring and peace and harmony. Being altogether was not appealing to the NM.

NM proudly declared, "I rule the family by way of divide and conquer!!"  And THAT she did.  All our lives.

Now, the other person there in the photo. My little sister, Deborah, (Debbie).  I don't know which she prefers because she never said, but I like to call her Debbie since all our childhood I and everyone called her Deborah. I think Debbie fits her and although Deborah is a beautiful name, Debbie is just cuter.

Like all of us, Debbie was abused. Like all of us she's carried it with her throughout life. Difference is, she's trying to get better, now.

I think our whole FOO can exhibit borderline traits, and everyone has to have at least a healthy degree of narcissism, but I'm not going to try to diagnose her.

Debbie was the lost child.  Invisible.   And eventually was even made a ward of the State by the NM for no reason other than she wanted to do it to her - but mostly, NM didn't like sharing Dad with any of us, and that's why I was kicked out so many times (Dad and I had a nice relationship in between NM's lies and assaults about us). In our adult years, Debbie and I set out to write about all of this and she acquired her medical records from the state about when she was 13,14, and 15 - the years the NM had her placed in foster care.

We found that in order to get them to do this, the NM told the State a pack of lies about Debbie and her behaviors and mental state at the time, outlined in the records - Handwritten by a nurse for the State. Unbelievable.

But along with the other traits I mentioned earlier, there are trust issues with Debbie, (I don't know to what degree she trusts herself) - but it would be proportionate to the degree by which one can trust others. Some Judgement, control, and paranoia. Unlike me who examines things in great detail, Debbie tends to avoid the details and the knowing. There's a kind of disconnect and compartmentalization, these lead to confusion and cognitive dissonance.

Not saying there's a huge problem or any disorder - I'm not of course a doctor - but like all of us, as adult children of narcissistic and or psychopathic mothers, there are a host of little problems to be tweaked.

Our dad nearly died over Debbie being turned over as a ward of the State by the NM.  I remember his drinking and depression.  NM was in her glory.  I was alone, confused, sad, watching, I know one thing.  I DID NOT rock the boat. NM's SLAVE.

I want to talk about Dad's avoidant behavior.

NM, of course, lied to Dad, also, to get him to go along with sending Debbie away, but he knew his children outside of what the NM triangled and lied to him about.  I find it difficult to understand how he let so many of her worst assaults happen.

Other than the Foster/State issue, at the time, I didn't figure NM was lying.  I believed her lies too, then, so I was just as bad. But, I wasn't the parent.  I don't get how he let her abuse his children. Especially knowing how much he loved us.

In my adult years, NM would hammer on me about the Arabs and the Jews because my husband is Egyptian. And this was every single visit to her place, and my dad would just stand up and go to bed early. I would be trying to defend the truth and or beg her to finally just stop.  To no avail.

I was so disappointed when Dad would go to bed early because I drove three hours to see him and really that's the part of the visit I most enjoyed. My conversations with Dad.  Off he'd go, and he'd get up 3-4 in the morning to go to work that hour early.  I wouldn't see him til 4 in the afternoon and then he'd do the same thing that night. I know he enjoyed our conversations as much as me, but if NM started in - that was it.  He'd disappear without a word.  It was a disappointment.

Now me, I was falsely diagnosed with bi-polar then correctly diagnosed with ADHD.  I have had major depressive episodes so you could say I have a depressive disorder.  I also have carried some borderline traits in the past. The healthy narcissism, I had to work to acquire. I was the furthest degree away from selfishness to the point I was selfless much of the time in the past. I have had addiction issues with food.  If  I were able to drink, I might have likely end up with a problem with that also.

But then, Debbie and I went no contact from the FOO and we got free around the age of fifty. Yeah, you guys.. do it earlier if you can!!  I am very happy now.  Best thing I ever did. Sadly, it is.

I worked on these issues myself for five solid years all day everyday, an
d then went to therapy to cap off the recovery. I have since recovered from addictions, low self worth, depression, and anxiety.  I NEVER thought I'd ever be able to say that, but now I can!!

I have learned to love myself and also how to best communicate .. both in having a voice and in listening to hear.

It's amazing how such deep seated woundedness can be healed even at age fifty. And like magic how quickly the healing happens after you go no contact from all toxic people.

Everytime I write that, I think of my dad and wish so bad he'd done that for himself. But, it was his choice. I would have been here for him. I just shake my head.

People, if you are out there still with the narcissist:  Just know that you need to realize that what you know about family members is what your own interactions with them shows you. NOT what the NM says or has others say to you.

I think my dad realized this the last two weeks of his life. He was no longer seeing me through my mother's mouth - he was realizing that in looking at me and being with me - THAT was me.  All of me.  I'm grateful for that, anyway.

Now we have a golden child elder sister and a scapegoat/lost child brother also.

Linda, the GC covert narcissist:  This is a sickening sweet inverted kind of narc. They cannot live without a narc in their lives. Totally answers my question about what's the matter with her ex whose still in her life. Also, why NM likes him so much. They are both pathological. One is a sociopath and the other a psychopath. Long story. But not for today.

Linda is a liar by omission and by pretense.  Also blatantly she will lie when it serves her. Taking money from Habitat for Humanity, telling the NM lies about me, tried to get Khaled to invest in some con thirty years ago for a couple thousand dollars.  Always up to some scam.  Scams the elderly at church .. brings them home and tells them to move in with her.  She'll take them in, but what she does is take their money and then does nothing for them.  And worse if she doesn't like them she drops them off at a motel and drives back home. She's a righteous indignant southern Christian in a battle with the Devil. The look she gave me the last time I saw her, made me think she's spending too much time with this Devil. It was very scary. Oh I could type pages about this interesting covert/inverted narcissist golden child but yeah, not really wanting to give her that much time or thought.

Joey:  My brother. I feel so sorry for him, even though the last time I saw him he was mean to me.  Oh, btw, I just scoffed.  Now I'm shaking my head.  Jesus Christ. All this coldness and rottenness resonates from the NM.  She was there right in the middle of all of this meanness happening to Debbie and me, happy as a clam.

Anyway, Joey  harbors rage. Scary rage. He is dysfunctional, and socially inept like us all to a degree. He isolates and I think he has also a history of depression, and I would say anxiety for sure. He has addiction issues with alcohol and marijuana. He believes the NM 's lies at face value.  Hook, line, and sinker. It's sad to see Joey following NM around now that dad's dead. He's all happy to have a "mother" he thinks for the first time in his life. He just wants to be happy. It's an illusion waiting to destroy him but I don't have the heart to spell all of this out for him - nor would he listen or believe a this point because of NM's smear campaign against Debbie and me.

I find it fascinating that Linda doesn't believe NM's lies but she doesn't care that they are lies. She told us she's shunning me just because she wants to be there for HER mom and believe her mom (who's lying about me).  Makes no sense.  Linda said,  "I don't care if they are lies or not. I want to believe MY mom."   Left me and Debbie out in the cold right after our father's death.

The thing is, narcissists raise narcissists and borderlines and damaged people - and they destroy spouses.  Adult children of narcissistic mothers often attract narcissists and borderlines.

I couldn't believe the abuse the golden child, Linda, put up with over the years from that sociopath ex, AND she beammed with delight from the abuse. I remember talking with Dad and the two of us were trying to figure her out.  We came up with .. could she be a masochist?  But, no.  It's a covert/inverted narcissist. BAM. That's what she is.  They prefer to be with and or marry a narcissist. If not, at the very least they have to be in an abusive relationship. Linda took it one step further, and married a sociopath.

Covert narcs are sickening sweet. The model church leader. The pillar of the community. High functioning for a time. Long enough to set up a good scam. They LOVE narcissists.  They love being abused.  They are entitled like other narcs, they lie - BUT, they are not the same as psychopaths. They love psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists.

The difference between a psychopath and a sociopath.  A sociopath does things on impulse, and are less discerning.

 A psychopath plans and plans.  My NM is a psychopath - she is not the least impulsive.

Interesting bit:  Of all the siblings = adult children of the FOO:  We all married into narcissistic families at some point.

In 1981, I, the scapegoat, married an alcoholic, the son of a narcissistic mother - enabler father. He has a malignant narcissistic older sister and a covert narcissistic little sister. The marriage didn't work out pretty much right away and I got OUT.

Khaled found me right then and I've been loved ever since.

But back to the siblings.

Linda fell deeply in love with a sociopath right out of highschool - a real Charles Manson kind of guy. Scary looking guy.  She told me he had her doing unethical things to pay for their IV drug use.

He died of brain cancer and she found the current sociopath with whom she gave birth to two children.  Her eldest son is a narcissist and her youngest son is not.

Debbie the little sister, the lost child -  married a bigot the first time - a mean bigot - but I don't know about any pathology with him.

The second time, Debbie married a narcissist, but she didn't know he was a narcissist even as we were uncovering the truth about narcissists at the time.

Joey married a narcissist but she is the dumbest narcissist I ever saw in my life.  Gawd ... she is stupid and she never ever shuts up.  Talks about nothing.  Awful.  She would fall under the kind of narc that isn't fully responsible.  I mean I think most narcs love being narcs and are awful people but she's all the things narcs are with NAH .... LOOK!! What am I saying?  She's probably a covert narcissist lol.

Goes to show you though... although, narcissists are only 6-10 in a hundred, they are concentrated in families and extended families of adult children of narcissists. It's just a fact.

It's familiarity.  You were comfortable and recognized a certain something about the narc on the first meeting that made the two of you click.

But, now we know the signs, and all the red flags, the gut feelings, and even the hair that stands up on our necks like prey for the predator.

 Now we know.  And now we GO.

Clarity ... Life Without Those tapes Running on tiny Treadmills Inside my Busy Brain.....

Man.  What a difference in quality of life without intrusive thoughts and without those tapes running on tiny treadmills inside my busy brain.

I now have days that the NM doesn't even cross my mind, having only rarely recalled her assaults.

If a negative thought or memory does pop up - I have learned to allow it to just be and then pass right through.

Choosing to entertain only positive and neutral thoughts for the most part now, is the norm.

I still think sweetly about Dad everyday - a few times a day. It's only been five years since his death, so that might be about how it should be. And I do dream of him once in a while. It's nice to see him again in my dreams.

A couple years ago this month I was writing about losing the fear in all areas of my life because it was then that I learned that fear is the exact opposite of love. So, it's two years and going strong with very little glimpses of fear as opposed to carrying tons of it my whole life before.  What a difference!!

And I still keep myself control-free. Along with the usage of those all important personal boundaries - things couldn't be better.  Well, maybe had I learned all of this decades ago, but there is a reservoir of happiness for getting better now - where before it was a deep ocean of despair.

I noticed when I'm with my adult children, they have a nice way of reinforcing their own boundaries just in conversation and interactions - playing, cooking, traveling - you name it.  It's wonderful, because it's a gentle reminder for me - and I so respect that  Also, I place my own with them and others and everything goes smoothly There is NO mind reading, chaos, or misunderstandings.

Wonderful. It really is.

It's nice evolving and communicating - laughing and learning all while we are narcissist-FREE.  I mean it is such a gift to live a normal life - no lurking, other shoes to drop, walking on eggshells, chaos, confusion, and exhaustion.

Instead, it's days full of extra time, clarity, and Love.

Life really is too short to get all bent out of shape when things change from what we planned or expected

And while the Universe is writing my new story, I am taking it as it comes without question.

Thank god I don't have control issues.

I was going to Egypt in a couple of weeks and now I'm not.  I was like, okay, must be there's something else coming up for me here.

Feels great not lamenting over all the preparations I'd already made and so on... I know I'll still go, just some other time.

Not a problem I figured straight away I can put away all I've packed and stacked to be packed until that day comes.

In the meantime, I have more time in the United States to enjoy!!

Life really is too short to get all bent out of shape when things change from what we planned or expected.  

Boundaries with Family - Childish or Necessary??

All of this and I did give it a try.

It wasn't easy. Not in the least.

You all came with me the last five years as I trudged through the toxic sludge of the NM and all her accomplices.

All of that while mourning the horrible death of my father who was tortured by the NM the last three weeks of his life as she withheld his morphine, telling him to be quiet and stop begging for help.

That alone - his death - was a trauma, but when you add on the narcissistic family dynamic - the trauma(s), and the work I've done to heal - one could hardly see this last five years as anything but challenging.

Then, add to the actual seeking of healing - the total dedication to becoming well while all the while being victimized by yet the last narcissist standing in my life. This was very serious. Not at all a petty whim or something that I or anyone should be able to stand.

Yet someone very close to me has voiced his opinion which I find very hard to respect. Even though it is everyone's right to have an opinion, and my respect for that right is evident, this particular opinion from one who has seen the whole thing come to fruition is puzzling and frankly, insulting.

Gosh at the risk of sounding like the NM who doesn't allow anyone an opinion, especially an insulting one - I do feel insulted.

I mean that last narc that I finally got out of my life was a part of my suffering before seeking so diligently,  this wellness. It was a major accomplishment to confront her and set boundaries to keep her from victimizing me ever again.

I was, and so many of you were really pleased with the fact that I had reached the point in my life where I could actually face a narc down and send them packing.

As you know this person is a sister in law, so she is still alive and well, mulling around amongst her own intimate family members where she now lives full time.

I guess once in a while the subject of this event is raised with and amongst family members there, so people have to deal with either telling her it's not their business and they're not playing, or listening to the smear campaign against me and then feeling guilty and or angry.

So this one person who I think very highly of and by the way I know it is his personality to avoid conflict, told me during Thanksgiving actually, that he thinks the whole thing between my sister in law and me is childish.  That's right. Childish. I mean he's entitled to his opinion, but ... childish???

Both on her part, taking advantage of us for ten years, and on my part for confronting her and putting an end to it. He mentioned the years I would cower and ask if she was in the house before leaving my room in an effort to avoid her. I mean the sight of her made me shudder. She would ask me what I wanted in my own house. "Oh, we don't have that."  Or, "Why are you looking in the refrigerator? What do you want?"

This person was so controlling and obnoxious before I got rid of her I would do anything to avoid having to answer her questions about why I was doing such and such in my own house.  And, yes, now that I think about it, my behavior was childish. But I couldn't help it then. That was before my healing. I was beaten down by narcissists at that point until there was very little left of me to fight. Not even for my own home, children, and husband.

BUT I did get better and I DID do it in the end. I don't see how that is childish. But, I usually value this person's opinions so I'll probably keep trying to see his point.

Still, this is no joke or game like narcissists do.

This is my recovery from extreme narcissistic abuse. Recovery isn't a game. It is seriously and diligently practiced and applied. I guess it's okay he told me the truth what he was thinking, and too, it was okay that I told him what I just said here - and that he still said it is childish in his opinion. That's just the way it works sometimes. We don't always have to agree, but we do have to respect the person.

Not sure if we have to respect the opinion. I cannot respect it this time, but I will always allow it.

I have tons of respect for the person.  Just very strange he doesn't seem to get it. Or is it me that doesn't seem to get it??  hmmmmmm

Trusting my gut.

It is perfectly reasonable to protect ourselves and our minds from all forms of emotional and physical abuse. No fear from any amount of retaliation for doing so need stop us from taking proper action

My vision of a beautiful heart has heaps of hope, trust, love, and belief.

To protect this vision is to protect my innermost self. I cannot think of anything or anyone at this point in my life more important.

Just sucks that we live in a world that needs protection from others, their behaviors, and actions, but alas we do.

Sucks further to realize that actions and behaviors of my own have in the past hurt others, and even in the future, I could likely hurt someone without my even being cognizant.

The best we all can do is to treat ourselves with the love and care that one needs to thrive, and to offer much of the same to those near and far from us.

Being accountable means standing up and saying Yes I did such and such - or I said such and such - not followed by a myriad of reasons which outline others' ownership.

Often there are reasons ... no, usually, there are reasons for the ways in which we react and behave - but pointing them out, I've learned is less for me to explain than it is for others to discover.

The last time I reacted badly to an assault, I tried desperately to get the person to understand my reasoning. But if you want understanding and it goes anything like... "You did such and such and it made me feel literally sick, and I just couldn't face being here again"... Yeah, I guarantee that's not going to go over well.

It is for me to become the best I can be, and for others to decide what it is that they do. And like I always say, it's all about intention, anyway. I love intention. Intention is authentic.

If someone you love or tried to love just cannot grasp intention, the loving thing to do for the both of you is to move on, removing yourself totally from that situation.

For the rest of my life when I find myself in a situation which is difficult or uncomfortable because of the actions of others, I am going to remove myself from the situation without fear that the "other or others" will be insulted or that they will accuse me of being unreasonable.

Trust your gut.

It is perfectly reasonable to protect ourselves and our minds from all forms of emotional and physical abuse. No fear from any amount of retaliation for doing so need stop us from taking proper action.

Growing up in an abusive and neglectful family, you are taught to take it and not complain - then when you become an adult there is something about you that gives off signals to yet greater numbers of abusive people that say it's okay for them to behave abusively with you. That's not alright.

Other than a lack of proper boundaries, I don't know yet what that something is, only it has something to do with being nice - having kindness taken for weakness, but it has to be more than that. One of my favorite things in life (generosity), is often taken for stupidity. Somehow all this snowballs to a kind of low self esteem, a less than feeling that resonates.  Maybe it's a body posture that puts out that permission - I don't know, but I sure mean to find out. It just might be the last part of the puzzle for me.

In the meantime, let's all keep up our self love and self care as we increase this awareness and evolution, all the while, being kind to ourselves and others.












   

What a Blessing to Enjoy our Children

This little guy is now 28 and home here with us for a few weeks between locations, relocating.

What a joy to enjoy our adult children as much as we did when they were so little. Our time with our children is so precious and special.

Here, in the photo on the left, he is four years old, during one of our many trips to Egypt, where he was born. We often visit the tourist areas and enjoy the camels and horses in Giza at the Pyramids.

He still makes me smile like he does in this photo. He still makes me proud to be his mother and it's really a gift to see how a child like this grows and learns to become a contributing member of the earth with a heart for all sentient beings.

I love how this boy hasn't a judgemental or jealous bone in his body.  He is not prejudiced,  nor is he impressed by money and power - Three things that I learned from my father and passed onto this boy.

He learned from a French Chef how to cook the most wonderful dishes!  He makes anything from breakfast to dinner to appetizers that are to die for.  He's into organic foods and clean eating and living - and he's an advocate for human and animal rights the world over.

I couldn't be more proud of Khaled my son, than I am right now.

What a blessing to enjoy our children!!