Posts
You didn't hear from me or see me on fb or any other media source for months yet you did not reach out to me, which makes me realize exactly where I stand with you. It is the place I suspected from the beginning some thirty years ago.
Thirty years of giving up my self to accommodate all of you who are never accommodated anyway was a monstrous endeavor to say the least. It left me absolutely exhausted and finished. Medicated at times just to survive the pain of the reality of the situation.
But now I am okay. I understand the entire situation and all of you, and from where all of you came, and who all of you really are under that facade. I needed to understand.
If something doesn't make sense to me I must understand it from it's core in order to know where I stand in all of this.
Oh yes I know now and it is as I suspected from the start but gave you all the benefit of the doubt anyway.
After all sittoo was so charming and loving.
Life's illusions do unfold decade after decade while one works intently to grow beyond the bullshit that ego and fear insist on keeping us down with. Literally.
At times my heart bled just about dry for all of you in a country a world apart from where I was born and raised. And it was almost three decades before I realized it was all for nothing. You are no different than the people I have seen here my entire life except you hold up the pretense much longer and firmer.
I sacrificed myself and my own children's betterment during all those years and for that I am eternally guilty and will regret until the day I die spending all that time on all of you and your welfare when my own children were in need of my attention.
None of you or your children or grandchildren could ever hold a candle to my children even so and at least there is that.
Mind games seem the culturally preferred choice in communication, but I despise mind games. I learned over the course of thirty years that mind games rule in Egypt, and especially with Khaled.
So sad. truth and reality aren't so bad and are not to be feared, where mind games are played paramount to any other form of communication, truth and clarity is a problem.
I put myself out there without a facade and taking the lead from my then husband, you all laughed at me and figured me for a mental case and or stupid. But at least I was honest, and in my honesty I found a handful of you that I've kept close to my heart.
That handful of folks who I speak of range from Boabs to the few siblings of this abusive husband who are not pretentious but come off more like the kind heart of farmers (those and their spouses who closely resemble Sittoo).
I am not now nor was I ever impressed by rich or fake rich living, and rich lives/rich people.
Sittoo was a kind of farmer girl and that's probably why I loved her so much. I can't say that for all twelve of her children but for a few yes I can. I will forever remember you for the real persons you are - for the kindness and sweet laughter / the simple life and the love that you few shared.
But those others here today to see about the gossip - well, here it is. Get an ear full and have your daily dose of entertainment on me. And let the phones begin the familiar ringing ringing ringing before the entire text is even fully read, I imagine lol... Egyptians never disappoint in that regard.
As for me, I am alive and well - Away from abusive people, cruelty, liars, and lovers of MONEY.
Now I am only concerned with maintaining my wellness ... as I let go of the fool I have been in the past among you and others, I work diligently to grow away from all of this and become finally a better person than before. Better and wiser inshallah.
I will mention one strange point about Khaled regarding my recovery from multiple illnesses. The stronger I became over the past seven/eight years, the more living I could enjoy - BUT - THE LESS satisfaction on the part of Khaled was glaringly evident. In other words, the stronger I became, regaining all facalties of health, the more threatened, mean, and impossible Khaled became. I found this to be a shockingly firm truth. I still find myself shaking my head in disappointment on this point.
I always need to know WHY, so this had me baffled for quite some time during my recovery. I gave it a good long investigatory period before coming to the obvious conclusion that stares me in the face now.
To be threatened of one's spouse's ability to fully live and enjoy life, is evidently to be quite ill.
I found Khaled Awad to be beneath his own facade, an insecure, fearful little man who enjoys remaining thus no matter the reward to himself and his own soul should he instead choose to become well.
It is a choice you know. I decided to become well, and wellness I have achieved. I wanted wellness more than anything else in my life at the point of finally approaching my own healing from the inside out.
I discovered from life's experiences that no doctor can make you well. No medicine can make one well. Wellness, for me, is a place in life that is reached and maintained by choice/choices, clarity, reality, and love.
Thirty years of giving up my self to accommodate all of you who are never accommodated anyway was a monstrous endeavor to say the least. It left me absolutely exhausted and finished. Medicated at times just to survive the pain of the reality of the situation.
But now I am okay. I understand the entire situation and all of you, and from where all of you came, and who all of you really are under that facade. I needed to understand.
If something doesn't make sense to me I must understand it from it's core in order to know where I stand in all of this.
Oh yes I know now and it is as I suspected from the start but gave you all the benefit of the doubt anyway.
After all sittoo was so charming and loving.
Life's illusions do unfold decade after decade while one works intently to grow beyond the bullshit that ego and fear insist on keeping us down with. Literally.
At times my heart bled just about dry for all of you in a country a world apart from where I was born and raised. And it was almost three decades before I realized it was all for nothing. You are no different than the people I have seen here my entire life except you hold up the pretense much longer and firmer.
I sacrificed myself and my own children's betterment during all those years and for that I am eternally guilty and will regret until the day I die spending all that time on all of you and your welfare when my own children were in need of my attention.
None of you or your children or grandchildren could ever hold a candle to my children even so and at least there is that.
Mind games seem the culturally preferred choice in communication, but I despise mind games. I learned over the course of thirty years that mind games rule in Egypt, and especially with Khaled.
So sad. truth and reality aren't so bad and are not to be feared, where mind games are played paramount to any other form of communication, truth and clarity is a problem.
I put myself out there without a facade and taking the lead from my then husband, you all laughed at me and figured me for a mental case and or stupid. But at least I was honest, and in my honesty I found a handful of you that I've kept close to my heart.
That handful of folks who I speak of range from Boabs to the few siblings of this abusive husband who are not pretentious but come off more like the kind heart of farmers (those and their spouses who closely resemble Sittoo).
I am not now nor was I ever impressed by rich or fake rich living, and rich lives/rich people.
Sittoo was a kind of farmer girl and that's probably why I loved her so much. I can't say that for all twelve of her children but for a few yes I can. I will forever remember you for the real persons you are - for the kindness and sweet laughter / the simple life and the love that you few shared.
But those others here today to see about the gossip - well, here it is. Get an ear full and have your daily dose of entertainment on me. And let the phones begin the familiar ringing ringing ringing before the entire text is even fully read, I imagine lol... Egyptians never disappoint in that regard.
As for me, I am alive and well - Away from abusive people, cruelty, liars, and lovers of MONEY.
Now I am only concerned with maintaining my wellness ... as I let go of the fool I have been in the past among you and others, I work diligently to grow away from all of this and become finally a better person than before. Better and wiser inshallah.
I will mention one strange point about Khaled regarding my recovery from multiple illnesses. The stronger I became over the past seven/eight years, the more living I could enjoy - BUT - THE LESS satisfaction on the part of Khaled was glaringly evident. In other words, the stronger I became, regaining all facalties of health, the more threatened, mean, and impossible Khaled became. I found this to be a shockingly firm truth. I still find myself shaking my head in disappointment on this point.
I always need to know WHY, so this had me baffled for quite some time during my recovery. I gave it a good long investigatory period before coming to the obvious conclusion that stares me in the face now.
To be threatened of one's spouse's ability to fully live and enjoy life, is evidently to be quite ill.
I found Khaled Awad to be beneath his own facade, an insecure, fearful little man who enjoys remaining thus no matter the reward to himself and his own soul should he instead choose to become well.
It is a choice you know. I decided to become well, and wellness I have achieved. I wanted wellness more than anything else in my life at the point of finally approaching my own healing from the inside out.
I discovered from life's experiences that no doctor can make you well. No medicine can make one well. Wellness, for me, is a place in life that is reached and maintained by choice/choices, clarity, reality, and love.
