Towanda! Righter of Wrongs... Queen Beyond Compare!! On second thought...........

So yesterday I had a Towanda moment at Walmart, and a facebook friend's comment "I don't like confrontation" made me think again.

I don't either, so why does my post about the situation seem so??

Somewhere in this, I figured I was wrong. grrrrr.....  :

Kathleen Wheeler Awad

17 hrs · Wilkes-Barre, PA · Edited ·

Ten Points for dodging the wrath of roadrager:

Coming out of walmart parking lot, this person was coming in off the highway. I was waiting for her to come by in front of my car so I could turn left to go out. Instead, she sat on her horn waving her arms blocking my car from going left right or forward.

It was more important I guess to admonish my poor observance of the parking lot traffic rules than to keep going it seems.

OMG!! All I could think of was a bully kid in bumper cars screaming at ALL the other kids that they were playing it wrong!! Her face was so exaggerated it was funny!! I had to laugh.

Since my reaction was none really but to wave her out of my way with the back of my hand and a blown kiss, she went totally nuts.

While she was doing a donut to circle back and kill me, I took my left turn quick, but she chased me in from the right front as if I would stop and take her punishment and directions lol.

Only thing is she didn't know I've dealt with her kind before and beneath my calm reaction is a foot on the accelerator at the ready!! I nosed my SUV at her fancy little white sports car just as quick as she spun that donut!!

Seemed she didn't want the dent cause I wasn't backing down with the right of way and the green light cheering me on....lol.. She broke just before getting a good scrape as I blasted out onto the highway... In my rear view mirror I saw a little white sports car waaay back there turning then again into the walmart parking lot.

Such a cool way to come out of an attack!! Calm cool and collected and pleased hehe.. I didn't get upset .. not even for a moment. I remembered all my tools and used them. But it was kind of easy because she was so comical to begin with .. But in the end it wasn't all that funny since she was clearly wacked.

Yeah, I thought to myself. Welp, I didn't fire back mad, no.. I didn't even get mad even in the end. I only focused on my reaction remaining calm or "normal." But she is for sure still burning and stomping around walmart now like a maniac.

Oh well, see an old lady with white or grey hair and expect her to be a pushover ... if you wish .. But watch it... hehe wink emoticon xx

*****************************************************************************************************************************

After that, the same facebook friend said, "Wow, what a woman you are."  I thought hmmmmm yeah I don't know, it does seem it wasn't very womanly.  So I answered "We farm girls don't mess around."  Which was meant to imply she and I were raised working on farms and so from our most inner depths, any tough spot isn't too tough for us.  

I do that.  I noticed I like to enjoin others in my reasoning's for my actions.  You know what?  That's wrong.  I am realizing here that I don't need to to that.  I don't need to prop up my decision making with others' (who btw may not even agree as you see happened here).

It's important to note here that this behavior (using others to shore up one's own questionable behaviors is a narcissist trait).  You all know where that came from deep down in my psyche.  But it goes TODAY.

The other kind of narcissist thing I did in the conflict was to blow that kiss.  I just had to piss her off more.  That's what narcs do.  AND then when she totally flipped and came after my car, I was proud of my behavior!!

I can see with this little example that I still have more work to do in shedding all that was learned since birth.  Funny thing is the post was supposed to showcase my recovery, how I reacted in a better way that in prior times.  This was the first time (that I can think of now) I used a narcissist's tactics to get through something like this and I thought I did so well.

The reason I did well for me was that I didn't get upset.  My heart rate didn't even change, but still... using narc tactics to deal with narcs isn't going to cut it for getting well.  That is NOT the wellness solution I want for me.

I do give myself points for not getting angry, but for adding to this persons negativity with passive aggression and the narcissistic blown kiss, my points were revoked really on the spot.

My dilemma:

When a person confronts and attacks me (very unusual btw) I don't want to feel threatened, fear, anger... all those negative emotions.  Mostly, I don't want to drive away feeling like I didn't take care of myself, which only leads to negative self talk.

Turns out now I also don't want to avoid those emotions by being immature and laughing at the person and using passive aggressive tactics.

So yeah.  Not too bad, but next time I'll have to do better.  No kiss.. no laughing.  That's going to be the growth.  The test.  To not get upset without using negativity as a shield from negativity.

We'll see....

Overtaking the hurdle of Selfrespect in Healthy Relating

Well well well.....

I come across this one and see that the all so important validation seeking needs to be reeled in.    

Validation is a tricky thing.  First part of my life, my own validation was nonexistent - not allowed - never hoped for.  Second part of my life it became a part of my healing - a necessity.  

Now, at the golden years of my life, validation is something I give myself on occasion, ask of my spouse on the rare occasion, and experience and do for others when the timing is right.  Other than that, it is not a forefront issue anymore.

Now, when someone dismisses me and or my shared thoughts or opinions, I learn from the experience.  The more I learn, the less I am dealing with people who tend to behave as such.  Hence the less this even becomes an issue in my life.

At this point in my healing I have discovered there are still others who are so wounded and unhealed that having them in my inner circle could be a source of negativity. These still wounded souls cannot help but be distrustful, dismissive, and in effect, cruel, actually. They are so wounded that in limping along emotionally, they cannot gather the maturity and strength for reciprocate, respectful relating. And I cannot ask them for and or hope for something they don't have to give.

I feel accomplished that I actually learned this recently:   When I notice in relating with someone who over and over is dismissive of me and my issues while I am supportive of them and theirs.....  I can and must cut them loose.  This I do now instead of having endless patience waiting for them to "come around" ... in their emotional maturity - to learn from my example .. lol.. ..  Most still-wounded people aren't up to learning from others' examples. Even those seeking healing. If they are stuck at some point in healing, they are not going to learn anything from me or my examples of allowing myself to me unheard, used, and dismissed.  After all, what would they learn anyway?  How to be a doormat?  What was I thinking.


There is no choice but to move on, cultivating my own emotional growth and healthier relating abilities.

So onward and upward it is... Without the slightest guilt about 'giving up' on still wounded people.  

Moving on and giving up are two different things.  I've moved on, but at any point should anyone new in my life or old in my life want to relate in respectful ways, I'm all ears as I keep moving, yet keep respecting myself and others.

Dismissing someone’s Pain comes off as Devaluation

Okay I want to talk about dismissing and devaluation.  How this affects especially one who is going through a particularly difficult emotional time.

At any point in a relationship, dismissing and devaluing is unproductive, but in a time of expressed pain, such behavior is especially difficult.

Telling someone to “get over it” is a dismissive reaction. And refusing to try to understand beyond one's own beliefs results in devaluation. 

There is a difference between being supportive and being obligated to take on a person’s pain in a burdensome way.  No one is obligated to take on another's pain, nor should they.  One can be supportive AND not "shoulder" the pain at the same time.

All or nothing – black and white thinking leads one to incorrectly see things in exaggerated and distorted ways.  This thought pattern brings confusion in relating.

A person who thinks and behaves in such a way might say all in the same breath, two conflicting beliefs.

“I am supportive with this person who is sorting emotional trauma, but (The person said the whole year has been full of trauma) I told the person their reaction is ridiculous because they are not able to see how great things are beyond the traumas.”

Unfortunately, this person is unable or unwilling to understand that multiple traumas within a six month period are ample reason for seeing the year as an overall disappointment.

Yes there can always be MORE traumas, but YAY there weren’t. But that’s not the point!  The point is what HAS happened.  What IS being sorted and recovered from. That’s the point. 

Dismissing someone’s pain comes off as devaluation.  

When Things don't Leave you for Thirty Years They are Meant to Teach you Something

Take notice that others are beginning to see you differently.  I see more nods and smiles than ever in everyday living and normal relating, as I practice this newly acquired self love.

In doing this, though, be prepared to be called selfish by still unenlightened others.  But because you are at this point in recovery, this or any judgement shouldn't affect you as in past times.


I love the part about "Even your mistakes mean you are trying."

Not only that, but our mistakes are our teachers.  Our failures can be just as valuable as our successes.

In my failures I have gleaned answers to questions about myself and others that may have haunted me for years.  I have acquired more humility, patience, and appreciation, too, as a result of having failed.

The appreciation for the failure is key.  To be able to SEE what it is the experience is meant to teach is gold.  And what a difference feeling appreciation is from feeling a failure.

Instead of defeat, I am further propelled, as I bounce back on track with yet more understanding.

Funny thing as I look back I find that more often than not my first intuition and impressions of people and situations are right - EVEN 30 years ago.

Years pressed on and in some cases I went with it and other cases I tried to deny my gut feelings.   Better then I thought to to bend myself into fitting with what just wasn't right for me.  All to go along to get along (especially if I had little choice in the matter).

After all I figured, I could be wrong about these non family of origin others, and it would be unfair to someone (had I misjudged them).

There was an error in siding for the other person over myself and my best judgment.  BUT  I learned from these experiences.

When things don't leave you for thirty years I find that they are meant to teach you something.  Conflicting experiences hang around in the mind for a reason.  Until we learn what it is they were trying to teach us, they will remain a haunting memory.

One memory that has haunted me for decades is that one day I rode in the back of the car of a friend whose other friend was in the front, passenger side seat.  The friend of mine was driving.  She was speaking with me through the rear view mirror.

I told her about Khaled.  How much he loved me and I him.  How happy I was about this...  ,,  Finding a good man who really loves me.  I said, "That's all I ever really wanted."

She replied with a joking tone and a nod to her friend in the seat beside her as she glanced at me in the mirror in her spanking new Honda, "Huh!! I want something more."

That never ever left my mind.  I was a romantic and very young at the time, so I couldn't for the life of me figure what more she could possibly want.  And what did that say about me?  It felt like it was supposed to take away from the joyful bit I'd just shared.

It wasn't until years later that it dawned on me.  OHHHHH ....  yeah of course. How could I be so stupid.  MONEY.  Huh.

Not only was this a "Hunch" that a little older and more experienced me figured out, but it became a fact.

This girl later married for money someone who she did not love.  She has lived a luxurious life for about 25 years, but in isolation.  She is in a totally loveless marriage.  The husband and she have lived separately for about 20 years and when they have to see each other it is a negativity fest that everyone would rather avoid.

Her place by the way is cold and lifeless which for some years in the beginning I couldn't figure why.  All I knew was how being there made me feel.  Like getting AWAY.  Very negative. Cold. Draining. Controlled.

You guys, I don't have to tell you how I feel about controlling people and being controlled.  So I won't.  You are welcome hehe.

But you see, right there in the car, I was doubting myself..  What is it I'm supposed to know to want more than love?  What's wrong with how happy Khaled makes me?  I was emotionally immature, insecure, and YOUNG.

I enjoyed and still do enjoy casual dress - nothing showy or uncomfortable.  I never ever cared how I looked for others.  I dressed for me.  But, if you are this kind of person you are going to clash with one who is self-centered, full mani-pedi all the time, perfect hair, expensive and stylish clothes and shoes, perfume, jewelry, the works.  (Please don't get me wrong.  This person was purposley putting on the dog while I was there.  I have nothing against people who enjoy dressing nicely (hair, makeup, nails, the works, are fine)).

I think now I would see beyond her putting on the dog,  and I'd ignore the narcissistic traits of this person while in the car.  And if I was forced to be around this person for reasons beyond my control outside of the car, I would use boundaries and survival tools to not absorb the negativity.

ahhh yeah.....  Hindsight.

But it's interesting that since I am still having to deal with this person from time to time, this blip in time is now a part of my learning experience.

 For this little blip and for all that has followed since, I am able to, and, do remain focused.    

New Horizons.... Bye bye to the old and ON with with New........as we practice new communication skills .. "Reflective Listening".

Moving on from the grief work to ongoing healthy relationships -

Still need the reminders to push myself to avoid periods of, or to interrupt periods of unproductivity.

Tell you what. There certainly are days that I still find myself cycling back to the precipice of emotional limbo.  That paralysing feeling that just has you from an emotional standpoint.  The ever present threat of the returning mind trap.

But tsk tsk... not so fast.

I can though say that the grief work is finished.  After five years in recovery, I have completed this all important work.

At the completion of the grief work, I realized that in place of the despair for what should have been and never will be..... (with the family of origin)  I found that AN appreciation for what is... just slid it's way in.  For real.  I appreciate having come through everything it took to get me this healing.

The reason I know for sure it is complete is if someone were to offer to me what I wanted all those years of my family of origin...  A loving real mother...  Family members who were healthy and supportive and understanding and Loving....  Real and safe relationships with them.

UH...  I'd say... "No thanks".   I really would.  If by some miracle the FOO found counseling and healing, I say more power to them.  Good. Go for it.  Get better and stay better.  For you.  Not for me. Stay better and stay better there.

Not angry.  Just saying.  I am finally over it.  Finally not wishing or seeking for anything.   And I have to say that it feels great being totally out of practice jumping through hoops and twisting myself into pretzels!!

This stance can't be shaken by any miracle in any shape or form.  I can wish people well and really mean it........ and as well as keeping boundaries forever, likewise meaning it.

Grief work has been replaced for me now with practicing a new balance in my home with my husband.

We emptied our lives of narcissists and now it is us, our independent adult children, extended family, and friends.

Our personal relationship has always been good so this balancing act using my new tools for emotional growth is pretty easy.  Still, it's necessary.

It's true that if one person changes in a relationship and gets better, all other players must also react and adjust...  in effect, also change in tweaks here and there.

Khaled is finding himself held accountable for minute items in conversation and I am accountable also for the same and for spending habits.

We have the added stumbling block of English being Khaled's second language, not to mention his birth culture being totally different than mine, but we manage pretty well.

It is kind of new that I am insisting on being heard and him reflecting what it is he heard me say.  And I noticed recently, him doing the same with me!!  That was funny and it is fun.  It really makes a difference in the quality of communication.

Dear Sittoo.... Far Away but Close in Spirit......

Grandson of Sitto Giza Plateau Egypt

Oh my Sittoo, you find yourself in the intensive care unit in Cairo, now as you navigate your ninth decade of life.

May Allah continue to bless you and keep you comfortable.

I imagine no less than 50 family members surrounding your bed as I write this post.

Just like in earlier years where every Thursday at least that many came to your small flat in Zaytoon, Cairo where you would be laughing much, while keeping track of no less than ten ongoing conversations.

May you feel the support of all of us whose lives you have touched and enriched over the many years.  My you be comforted by our love for you as you are lifted ever higher by Allah in spirit.

When I close my eyes and think of you, I feel your massive kindness to all, and I see you addressing Allah with thanks again.  Your sweet way of  sprinkling this throughout all living and conversation is your hallmark, Sittoo.  You make us all feel loved and welcome.

I image you there now being helped by the nursing staff and that of the doctors, all the while communicating with and thanking Allah.

Seems to me it is so that Allah is as close to you as your own breath.  May you be well my Sittoo, reassured and strengthened in your mind, body, and spirit as from this moment to the next.

Khaled Shines the Light

What and or who was it that lit your path along the way?  

My grandfather lit the way for me the first two years of life.  He gave me so much love and attention that I still remember everything about him.  What he looked like, the clothes he wore, how his hands were chubby, and where is favorite chair was on the back porch of the farmhouse.  He had a slaughter house and I remember he smelled like sawdust because they used that to sprinkle on the floors before sweeping.  Grandpa died before I turned three.  It was devastating.  I understood, and this was a great loss.

My grandmother, his wife also lit my way in different places over the course of my youth and very young adult life.  She was in a precarious position though, being the mother of my narcissistic mother.  NM's are very jealous, and Grandma knew this so she tread very carefully about how far she would go to be a source of emotional support.  Still, she was clever enough to figure a way to walk that wire while both being kind to me and not igniting NM's punishments.  Whew.  Thank god.  I only realize now how I escaped THAT upset by Grandma's great brain and awareness.

My father was a constant source of both support and emotional agony.  Although love never hurts, I know he loved me.  I think that he really didn't realize his parenting style was damaging.  Being told often that you are "Dumb dumb dumb" is bad enough, but another thing, he was paranoid.

NM had my dad convinced that it is normal for children to try to drive the parents apart and she encouraged him to be cruel in his tone and attitudes with me and my siblings.  It was a clash with what he really wanted for his children, but he believed the NM.

I remember when a family from up the street experienced a divorce.  Dad worked with the father of this family at the Ingersol Rand in Athens, Pa.  He would come home with updates at dinnertime, and over and over the NM would say things like "You see!!  I told you all kids want to drive their parents apart.  Look at that Linda (the eldest child in the family divorcing).  She not only drove them apart, but now she's going to drive out his new wife!!  Mark my words."  My Father would nod his head and agree that she must be right.

Me and my siblings would clean our plates and walk on eggshells to keep from being accused of trying to tear apart our parents.  Think about it.  What child would EVER want to do such a thing??  Isn't that always the worse thing about a divorce?

But my dad made me a fishing pole and he took us to the beech.  He played Santa once, and taught me how to drive.  He came to my horse shows and listened to my endless horse stories.  And he took me to buy my first brand new car and co-signed for the loan.  So he was intermittently very supportive.  I loved him.

In between all of those things that my dad  did for me over the course of 20 years, NM would punish the both of us.  So the light shinning on my path was half blown out most of the time after the death of my grandfather.

I picked up a torch after 20 and started shinning my own way.  I mean who of us in a dysfunctional family didn't ??

It's a lonesome feeling being miles away from home, contemplating divorce and knowing that you can't call home because NM doesn't care, and if Dad did, she'd punish us both for it.  It (I) would cause trouble (needing support), should I call home.

In the first of three major depressions to follow over my lifetime, I forced myself to get out and get a job.  Working like a zombie, barely making it, I managed to do it.  I was able to hold down that job even without proper sleep and still being very depressed.  It was a miracle.  I made more money than my husband was and he was asking me for money for his drinking habit.

I wasn't working to pay for a drinking habit. I was working to save money and GET OUT and get a divorce.  That I did.

Khaled walked right into my life.  He shone a beautiful light on my path from then on.  He took that torch from my hand and polished it all up, filled it with fresh fuel, and lit it high and bright.  My depression totally lifted.  I was never so loved in my whole entire Life!!

When I wasn't looking, the most wonderful loving man came into my life and wanted ME.  He loved everything about me... Just the way I was.  Just the way I am.

Khaled I love you.  Thank you for shinning a fresh light on a jagged path even when I was falling...... Even when I was dying..... Even when I was leaving...
Not only when things were wonderful, it was steadily throughout the 30 years of our marriage that my sweet sweet Khaled has lovingly carried that torch for the both of us.

For all of us...   He, Me, Khaled, Joey, and Sarah Jasmine, and Sittoo.

Khaled and Sittoo

I love this photo of my mother in law and my son, Khaled.  Here she is very old .. over 90 and living in Cairo.  We try to visit between all of us at least once a year.

This boy was born there and he has always been like another one of her children.  In fact one of her daughters took care of him after the birth through my recovery, and she still refers to herself as "Omie Amel"  or Mommy Amel.  She loves him really like a son.  And I always thought that was so sweet.  I love her for it.

The two of them always make me smile on thier own but put them together and you have a real smilefest!!

The Slight of Hand often gets its way ...... When the Narcissist Rolls the Dice

My Narcissistic mother's jealousy of the love our father had for her children was her main motivation behind most of her kick-outs and the resulting devastation.

And this jealousy had to be masked because my father hated jealousy.  She used lies and diversions, kick-outs and more lies to both cover this up and to accomplish our alienation.

Only thing is....  it's so difficult I noticed for me to TELL the main point.. the pivoting point which is the REASON for why she would do such things.

Here is one example:

In the last blog entry I mention the major Kick-out in Lowman NY at the mobile home in which she'd settled with my dad.  I tell how NM didn't like the boundaries I was placing and so fourth, but the main reason she had for kicking me out of the family was FEAR.  She had one major lie hanging over her head that she feared would be exposed.

 She saw I was at the point where I didn't care if whatever I said would rock the boat.  And she was in danger of me spitting out the one thing she was afraid of.  A lie she told me about my father that if exposed, would surely be an upset he would NEVER be over.

Just prior to the sale of their home and buying this place, my dad retired from IBM and I threw him a big retirement party in my home in Wilkes Barre Pa.  I invited all his brothers and sisters and other relatives from all over the country.  People came from everywhere and he was so surprised!!  It was a wonderful day.  It was the first time to see many of them in decades and the last for my dad to see his family as it turns out.

Nothing was too much for my dad and NM Hated  that.  He loved me and I loved him and that was that.  Whatever she did or said to destroy that never totally took over the years, which clearly frustrated her.

I could go on and tell of the party but suffice it to say there were no holds barred and some of these relatives kept in touch with me until their deaths after this party.  They never forgot that day.  I'm not talking about having a lavish event...  We were young, .... Sarah was the baby still...  IT was about the LOVE that was so evident.  People were touched.  Happy for my dad.

Not too long after the event ... I think just over a year, NM gets me in the car on a visit (away from my dad) and tells me OUT OF THE BLUE (like so many devastating attacks by her) "Your dad doesn't ever want to come to your house again.  He told me that at Thanksgiving, Khaled was speaking Arabic with his friends who were there and your father was feeling left out.  Then he couldn't get away from them.  He would leave the room and they would follow him, speaking in Arabic.  Anyway, you know your father.  He's done.  Never wants to go back and that's that.  I'm telling you this so you finally STOP inviting us.  I don't want to have to be the one making excuses when you ask."     .....

!!  I was SHOCKED!!   You can imagine all the questions I had.  All the tears...  All the bewilderment.  Of course NM sat there stone faced.  Satisfied.

Satisfied, but.... that was on shaky ground.  If I didn't believe her, there was the possibility of me confronting my dad.  However she counted on the fact that I would believe her and choose not to humiliate my dad with what "he said."

This had to have been on her mind during the Lowman kick out.  It was a real possibility that I might bring this up to my father.  The more vocal I became during the shouting match, the more diversionary she was and THAT'S when she said "You need to leave here and not come back for at least five years."   Bam.  She was safe.

She was really lucky.  I never once told him.  Just in case he said anything like it.. Even if he only said he was insulted that Khaled was speaking Arabic and he couldn't understand..  I would NEVER hurt him with the fact that I knew he said anything like that.  And with my NM, I knew that usually her lies were sprinkled with other half truths - so you never knew exactly what to say or do about what she said.

The last thing I ever wanted to do was to hurt my dad.  So like she figured.  I never said a word.  Not even until his last breath.

Had I told him this worst of all her lies, (well for me anyway), he would have left her.  Religion or not.  He would have left her.

Narcissists don't really hesitate to roll the Dice.

But don't you see? NM in discussing this to this day doesn't see her culpability. She sees only that innocent babies and children are responsible for hating each other.

The Golden Child and my brother

It just occurred to me that I knew of hate from a very early age.

From where did I get such a notion?

From the age of two, three, four, and five, I hated my little sister and it wasn't jealousy of the baby or the attention the baby was getting -  simply because this baby got little to no attention at all.

I was following suit with the NM.  My narcissistic mother hated us all except the golden child, and that was made very clear.

I, in turn, hated my little sister.

I feel robbed of not having been given the gift of loving myself as a child and my little sister, but worse, I am sickened by how this all had to have made my baby sister feel.  For her whole life.

(Not looking for anyone to say it's okay that's kids stuff it's over.  This isn't about wallowing and looking for forgiveness. I realize we were children and do not blame myself as a child).

At least my kids I'm sure didn't experience hate within our own home as little children.  That much I can be thankful for, but this other... The very idea that innocent children were introduced to hate by their own mother just makes me shake my head.

I wasn't the perfect mother, but I sure loved my kids and thoroughly enjoyed them loving each other.  Something the NM couldn't stand.  You were rewarded in my family of origin for hating your siblings - especially the ones being scapegoated at the time.

When my father was on his deathbed, with the limited breath he had, he kept repeating "Love" over and over... The one and only thing that resonated with him of importance or of substance left to say was, "It's really big....    Love."

I wonder if he had the breath, energy, and time left to elaborate ... would he have said something like?.... "Your mother didn't ever love any of us.  I didn't do anything about it.  But I see you took from me the love I have for you.  Somehow it was enough to give even to your own kids. Somehow this drop of love allowed was enough to send you off into the world to find a good husband like Khaled. To raise a good family.  I did what I could. I love you all regardless of what the NM said, and regardless of the numerous times she kicked every one of my children out of our lives. I still loved you all.  And somehow.  I guess by the sheer power of love itself, you knew this and you knew me.  You knew love."

I think so.  But all he could say was "Love.  It's so big."  I guess that does say it all.

Those three days on his deathbed he would look confused like he was trying to make sense of the very things it's taken me five years to make sense of here in this blog, and then he would relent with, "It's so big."

From the bottom of my heart I could only reassure him that whatever it was he was discovering, remembering, or trying to untangle...  It's okay.  And that he is correct that in the end what does it all matter anyway.  Where there is love, all else pales..

It was a little contradictory though with the NM steaming that I was there and the Golden Child Narcissistic sister glaring from across the room - but ...  so it was.  Business as usual in the narcissistic dysfunctional family of origin.

Others looking on in confusion of the negativity hanging in the room, experienced the contrast of that with the wonderment and the love between my dad and me.  A kind of a metaphor for our lifetime relationship, my dad and me.

 An unspoken under the radar kind of loving relationship it was, for in such a family, this is not allowed.  Any and all love and attention is to be given to the NM. Period.  And every single member of the family either abides or walks away.  It's one or the other.  I had long since walked away.  Hence the negative barbs and vibes on this deathbed visit.

But yeah.  Hate.  It's something about which a toddler should have NO idea.

I would be mortified if my little kids hated each other and would do everything in the world to show them love for themselves and each other until they had it down.  I would stop everything to straighten something like that out, unlike the NM who enjoyed hate and encouraged discord between the siblings.

And mostly I would want to know what it is about me that my little children were showing hateful behaviors as toddlers.  This would be a very serious issue for me as a mother.  I have to shake my head again at the thought that the NM was no mother at all to me and my siblings. If anything, she was an enemy - a monster ..  A terrible example for children.

To this day NM mentions in conversations with the golden child (GC has told me) that I was hateful of my little sister due to jealousy.  I would agree if it was correct, but it is not correct.  I never had a jealous bone in my body.  But besides that, how could jealousy be an issue when we are talking about being jealous of a baby/child who was ignored, isolated, abused?

I was a child following suit.  My brother did the same.  He hated me and for sure there was NO reason for him to be jealous of me.  and on and on.

But don't you see?  NM in discussing this to this day doesn't see her culpability.  She sees only that innocent babies and children are responsible for hating each other.

Pointing Fingers..... There's those three others pointing back at you....

So here I am at the point in my recovery that it's just really time to stop pointing fingers.

Those three pointing back at me?  Yeah you know, the ones that point your way while your hand poses to point at antoher.  Those are the ones.  They have been after me to look at my own behaviors.

Don't get me wrong here.  EVERYTHING I've written so far is true and I still believe needed to be recorded here - if not only for me, for others who are still searching.

So to begin,

I know I've mentioned the fact that as a child I followed the lead to persecute my little sister, but I took it further than following what the NM and golden child did.. I HATED her (my little sister.. not the golden child).

Sure she was only a couple of years younger than me, but I saw us as a decade apart and her as a nuisanced rotten little brat that didn't belong.  When the Truth is she was severely abused and neglected by the NM - Even so, she was just a little kid.  She wasn't evil or rotten at all.  WE all were that for isolating her.

I have already told her a million times how wrong this was and how I wish I could go back there in some way and hug that child or even her and squeeze into her the love I have for her now - BUT yeah, somehow that wasn't so appealing to her as it was to me.  I get that though.

The fact is even while I was still in contact with the NM I was also complicit in the NM's destruction.  I listened to the endless lies and complaints about all other family members and often chimed in.  (I sit here shaking my head).

I mean, if you are in any kind of contact with a narcissist you MUST be complicit.  Really that's it plain and simple or they have no use for you.  This is very clear and you all know it.  Man I hate writing this.

I was a total BITCH to my first husband.  I could tell about him but I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to make excuses for me being verbally abusive to anyone.  Divorced him.

I was a BITCH to Khaled too.  It's so easy coming from a narcissistic family to see an overall picture as never good enough.  BUT, the difference here is Khaled told me he wouldn't allow anyone to speak to him with disrespect.  And that my friends, was the first leg of my awakening!!

Sill, I smothered my babies.  OMG I loved them SOOOOO much of course .. BUT I know I smothered them with love, clothes, toys, parties, hugs, kisses... TOO MUCH.  And , again, nothing was good enough.  I was a demanding mother. :(  

All those years, I was dragging my kids every week on a three hour ride to the NM's house where she ignored them completely and of course forced me to listen to endless shit about my siblings and father.  AND also to be her slave.

I started to put up some boundaries and things between us became strained.

The first one was I was no longer her slave.  In fact, after one of her rages about how I took out the garbage, I decided to NEVER touch another chore in her home again.  And I never did.  That was noticed and didn't go over very well .. Until the final contact and confrontation with the NM she told all the others how "Lazy" I was.

A major kick-out of the family was because of one of these boundaries.  I was fed up with my kids being forced to eat outside on our visits, and surely I was just as fed up with myself for being too cowardly to insist to let them in.  I still shake my head.

Anyway, when the NM moved out of the home my father built for her and she and my dad moved into a mobile home in Lowman, NY, I saw an opportunity to stop bringing the kids.  I couldn't force the NM to be a grandmother, BUT I figured I could be a mother and leave them home.

WELL!!  That bitch had a fit and forced me to tell why I didn't bring them anymore, and when I did she totally exploded.  Told me she couldn't wait to see what kind of a grandmother I would be and that I was CRAZY and so crazy that she and my dad (he sat right there and she aways spoke for them both) would be way better off not seeing me for at least five years!!  In those years away, she said, she expected me to find therapy for being crazy.  You know what?  I told her that's a great idea!  If you pay for it, I'll go this minute.  Yeah.  Not a word.

(btw they were not destitute.  It was NM's idea to downsize in retirement.  Half the year in NY and the other half on the beach in South Carolina).

Anyway, the point is she was right I was in need of therapy.  Narcissists don't care about you though.  She didn't suggest therapy to help me lol... that was said in anger to hurt me. But they forget that we don't have the ego they have.  Whatever.

I left the visit that day and was gone for the next eight years at which time I earned a Bachelors degree at Wilkes University in Wilkes Barre, PA by 2003.  I was doing fine.  Well much much better.  And without therapy, however, I would have welcomed it had I been able to find what I needed.

The simple fact is that people suffering from the abuses of narcissistic and complicit parents experience the greatest chunk of improvement just by going no contact with them.  Therapy then is also needed, which you all know I did find in the end.

In those years though my dad thought and though about her kicking me out and what I had said and she said and he told her he was done.  He wanted to divorce her!!  I was still NC.  I wish I knew about this!!  I would have supported him, but as you may have figured narsissists always have an ace in the hole.  She promised to become Catholic if he would stay and take her to classes.  If anything would do it, that would.  Since his whole married life, he had to practice his religion alone after she ridiculed him and it and told him she wouldn't have it in her house.

He was amazed and figured maybe God could help her.  Poor guy.

Yeah this monster became Catholic and made this the new connection with our dad and renewed their whole marriage.  In this time, NM wrote me asking for me to return.  That "Your father and I regret how things went last."

My god.  I know.

First I wrote this blubbering letter going on and on about how grateful I was to ever hear from them again since I wrote many times and send cards and gifts, never hearing from them back.

Then, my girlfriend read the letters, NM's and mine, and told me "Are you crazy??  Rip that up and tell them NO."  lol

I thought about it and she was right.  I was going to give this bitch licensee to begin the destruction once again with this clearly vulnerable (STUPID) response.  I did rip it up.  I rewrote it, saying no thanks.

NM STILL talks about the many poison pen letters that I sent her in the years she kicked me out.  I guess all the cards, letters, and gifts were conveyed as poison.. and then when I did send that last letter saying UH NO THANKS...  She may have showed it.  This is how they authenticate their lies.

Anyway, I thought about this and even Khaled said that maybe I should write back and tell them that I do forgive them and I just needed a little time to digest hearing from them.

So by the mere fact that first I write a thank you letter blubbering, then I rip it up and write a refusal letter, then I write again...  Shows confusion.  I needed first of all NO contact forever, and secondly, for that confusion, I really needed therapy.
But like my psychiatrist told me recently, I must not have been totally ready then for the healing that I have now.  Simple as that.

But without the therapy, I was missing the key element in my emotional evolution.  Self love and self care.  Two things I limped along with and without for my whole life, which affected every single thing I ever tried, did, or accomplished. I'm sure that every person I ever met saw this in me as a first impression.  It is carried with you like a weighted picket sign.  Plain as day.

My poor kids and husband. They have been through it.  But we all survived ... and survived well, I say with the knowledge of my great fortune.

So there it is...  only a smidgeon of what was under those fingers pointing back at me.  More next time ..   Peace.....

What full Recovery looks like in a few words or Less

It took me the last five years to sort out and organize my thoughts and emotions well enough to tell a story and make a serious point without having to log a scattered document.

As a result of past traumas, my brain learned early on to store full memories and details of events in the same area that is meant for emotions.

This caused great difficulty in relating properly and clearly events which were especially trauma related.

As a result of my brain retraining, here is an account of the last trauma ever in my life just prior to my father's death.  It is told here in a clear and easy way to follow, which took me all of four or five minutes to record:

This is a comment I left on Youtube with Daylight out of Darkness:

You hit on something here for me.  I often said the NM I have tells the enablers what she wishes happened instead of the truth. For instance she had what became a habit of kicking me out of the family (for placing boundaries) but she cannot tell the enablers the real reason she kicked me out, so she totally embellishes the story.  The last time on a visit (I'd have to fly there) when because of her controlling all I said was "You cannot tell me what I am allowed to say to my father and what I am not. I will say whatever I want to him.".... She told me this is her house and if I don't like it I can just get out right now!!   She told the enablers she didn't understand why I left abruptly.  I was crazy.  Everyday life presented a problem here and there and my reactions were "crazy"..  She added that on the way out, I almost ran her down with my luggage and then I ran down the road pulling my luggage by foot!!  Further, my ill father had to chase me down the roadway and beg me to get into the car. 

 THE TRUTH IS that I packed my bags and started down the hallway where at the end my narcissistic mother stood to block me.  I stopped and waited but she obviously was starring me down not budging on purpose. Knowing her and wanting to both expose this to my father AND to get by her with my luggage, I called out loudly so my father could hear, "Could you please MOVE?"...   She immediately turned to look to see if he was looking and budged a foot or so as I slowly squeezed by, not touching her.  I waited in the driveway while my dad got his shoes on and came out to drive me to my sisters in the same neighborhood where I stayed until my new flight left.  Now what she told are lies.  Not really delusions yet for her.  But she eventually tells it so much and so often (according to my siblings) even years after I leave that surely she may end up believing it herself to a degree.  I'm not clear on that yet.  They are deliberate lies to not be detected for bad and wrong behavior. For justification.  And for the enablers to shake their heads with her and agree that I must be crazy. 

 I have seen her do this with me over the years about anyone she was targeting at the time.  It is repeated and repeated as she enjoys the whole reliving of the fabricated now delusion as it is reinforced by enablers that she is right.  She is good.  She is a victim and other people they love (my dad) and I love are victims of me.


Maybe it's more that early on my brain 'didn't' learn the correct way to store the details of an event separately from the emotional part of the event, and those details.

Whichever, for a very long time I found recording an emotionally charged injustice such as is above very daunting to spit out concisely.  I was back there reliving it and feeling it - which made calm organized on task requirements painfully daunting.

But you see here this problem has been solved.  With the therapies I have invested in and a diligent dedication to wellness, I am now able to relay exactly what happened in an emotionally charged trauma in a few paragraphs with no difficulty whatsoever.

Amazing.  

You'd be surprised the amount of excuse making and covering up in your own mind one can muster in order to hold onto someone you want to love

"Some days there just aren't enough rocks"

So now I know:

The first fifty years of my life were littered with confusion over the state of my family of origin.

In a dysfunctional family, specifically, the narcissistic family of origin, there is a cast of characters to which you belong.

There is the Narcissistic parent, the enabler parent, the golden child, the scapegoat child, and the lost children.

The narcissist remains the narcissist over all the years of his/her life, but the other characters in the cast do sometimes play sliding roles.  The golden child usually remains golden until the death of the narcissistic parent, however, it is not uncommon for the golden child to go no contact for a period of time, requiring a temporary stand-in golden child to emerge.  This has to be one of the lost children.  One of the lost, then, dutifully steps in and becomes "golden," serving the narcissist best, reaping the rewards.

The scapegoat over the years can become lost and the lost can become scapegoat - the roles are easily interchangeable.  But for the most part the roles are cast early on and are the same at the finish of the life of the narcissist.

Everyone dutifully plays their role in order for the family to function perfectly, under the control and manipulation of the narcissistic parent.

In an effort to appear normal, the narcissistic parent singles out one child to be the scapegoat. This child shoulders all of the blame for the unhappiness, confusion, and craziness the family is experiencing as a result of the narcissists self-centered behaviors. "If so and so weren't so much trouble or so crazy, our family would be just fine."

It's well known how some psychopaths have fooled families,  whole communities, countries, and too, the entire world.  Hitler, Mussolini, and many others. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, fooled all of the professionals on his case right up until the very end of his trial.  And there are others just like him who did and are doing the same.

These people are Narcissistic/Psychopaths - Planners - control freaks - liars - with a fairly high degree of intelligence.  The same description I would give my NM. ( Narcissistic mother).  They entertain themselves and get by in life by any means, morally/immorally, ethically unethically, and legally/illegally in order to serve their interests.

The thing is, the research and percentage figures on these kinds of people is flawed because it is difficult to get the average housewife who is a psychopath to come forward and be tested. The research currently centers on those that have been incarcerated, some on leadership, and studies also show how they are concentrated in clergy and on Wall Street in NYC where the stock market thrives with the average psychopath's zero empathy and cut throat attitude to win.

Dr. Robert Hare talks about all of this in his book Snakes in Suits and there are a few others but not very many.

 In recent years, there is a resurgence in the interest of the everyday psychopath and that's where my blog comes in.

More recent authors are Thomas Sheridan from Dublin Ireland with Puzzling People ...the laberynth of the psychopath, and Sam Vaknin from Israel, whose works do cover the garden variety psychopath.

Interesting point:  Sam Vaknin is a diagnosed Malignant Narcissist/Psychopath himself and I might add exactly the kind of person I would avoid at any and all costs.  However, he is the best versed on the subject I have ever read or seen.  He keeps his image intact by the fact that he makes it clear that his books are not as much to help anyone as they are to be his income source.  And what better and easier way for him to make money than to write about himself and his behaviors and how they are meant to affect others.

Vaknin's wife, Lidia, by the way, is a Narcissist also, but a covert/inverted/narcissist.  This person MUST be involved with another malignant narcissist at the very least, but better if he/she is a sociopath or psychopath, because the covert narcissist wants to be abused.

Bam.  and that's my sister, golden child, covert narcissist Linda, now inverted narcissistic grandmother.  In this blog is a photo of her I found online. It is the one that she was first posting to introduce her first grand baby to the world.  It was a nice photograph of her, however the baby's head is nearly cut off from view.  I posted this photo in an effort to explain, visually, the train of thought of the narcissist.  Whether or not it was a good idea or example I guess is up to the person who is interested in the subject.

You see the covert narcissist is a sickening sweet kind of character.  And that's putting it literally because they are only that. - A character.  They are the role they are playing.  This had me confused for decades because I wanted to believe that my sister was so sweet and kind as her mask assured, and I pushed away instead, her behaviors.  You'd be surprised the amount of excuse making and covering up in your own mind one can muster in order to hold onto someone you want to love.

My dad wasn't as good at the excuse making for the golden child as he was for the NM, and he pretty much saw through Linda's facade from day one.  I guess being the golden child and being pitted against him by the NM could have had something to do with it, but for sure he wasn't so fooled by her as I was.

I remember my dad warned me to stay clear of Linda and her deals years ago, and I assured him I never fell for any of her deals. I didn’t know then if she was crazy or sick, but I knew she was something.

So Now I Know:
Now I know.  She is a covert narcissist like the NM.  She trolls for marks at church where her intentions are sadly exploitative.  It is this very thing about her that confused me. This is because she wears a kindness mask.  A sickening Sweet Little Linda mask. But I was a fool.  A loving, hopeful fool.  Right up until the last moment with Linda.  I wanted to go and hug her even after her rejecting my hug the very night before.

You want to believe in those you love and grew up with no matter how confusing reality seems next to them and their behaviors.

But that's what this journey of healing has been all about. Facing the confusing - Admitting the ludicrous, and surrendering to what IS with self love, self respect, and forgiveness of self.

Forgiveness of others was and is still pretty much something I try to do on the spot. As for any lingering rottenness of the NM and the GC for example, it's easy to forgive them.  All the wrongs they do/did to me were for personal gain.  And with narcissists, nothing is personal where others are concerned.  Your "Person" doesn't enter into the equation. - You are collateral damage.  It's business, not personal.

From the moment you are cast in the family of the narcissist, you are a part of an on-going illusion (fanciful vision or false impression) of the family's condition. This is because all the the power and control are with the narcissist who lies, manipulates, and triangles with enablers until reality becomes illusion.

There comes that long awaited time when you find clarity and truth.  In this time illusion is restored to reality and it doesn't satisfy any of the other players in the cast, except you.  That has to be okay, because after all, it is you my friend that matters here.  You matter.

You know without ever having to second guess yourself ever again that without a doubt your mother is a narcissist and she almost single handedly destroyed an entire family.  You know that if not for the power of the truth, you would
literally be DEAD due to all she and her enablers have done to destroy your mind, body, and soul.

So glare on GC ....  I can't see you glaring at me now...  and believe on lost child and spouses because what you are being told over and over and over for good measure by the narcissist is now between the narcissist and the wall.  I have removed myself.

I and my little sister.  The scapegoat and the lost child got away!!

MAGNOLIA YOU ROCK

Welcome Friends and Supporters!!

I have to thank you all and especially Magnolia for supporting me so well over the past year after my narcissistic nephew discovered this blog and I was forced to change all of the information.

My gawd he was a total lunatic trolling my comment's section with ridiculous responses and absolute misinformation.

But you all figured him out without a single word from me because I didn't read the comments after the first two.  I know he's a narc so that's my rule.  I do not and cannot engage them.  However to those of you who did so for me - THANK YOU !!

I found your blogs over the past couple of days by pure accident when this subject became active again on google.  He is still using my old blog url posting of the "GC Grandmother" to correspond so google is notifying me.

I had to hunt you guys down to find out what he was up to.  I thought he was plotting to mail me insults since I refuse to engage in comments, but that's because google sends only the beginning of the thread and it read "Did you ask your mom if you could send her insulting messages"?   lol...  I read into that and went on a hunt for the rest.

Then I found it was you guys!!   I love you for reading and supporting me and my story.  Narcs are narcs and will always be narcs and we can sniff them out a mile away.  They think they are so clever.

He ended that thread btw with the same exact sentence he began with last year when he found me.  He didn't get nasty right off.  He held out that cold branch of "cold empathy"  with ...  "I really would like to know what happened in my family to have troubled my Aunt so much"   The words he said to me were "I just came on here to find out what happened in your family for you to be so troubled."   I knew that was a lie.  He knows very well and he lives in the same kind of dysfunction, so I called him on it.  Then he started the strikes.

Ah yes, the meager attempt at cold empathy that narcs use to manipulate their way in and or back in.

First of all.  I have only ever seen this boy a total of about six times in his whole life.

I am not mentally ill or lonely.  (You nailed it.  You figured this right off).

The proof of the immoral and quasi illegal act my GC NS did is in the records with Habitat for Humanity in Key Largo, Florida concerning a house she sold in 2005.  She befriended the chapter president and between them they figured a way for her to pocket the profits of the sale of the house belonging to Habitat for Humanity.  It was a scandal that was publicized in the local newspaper and they were run out of town.

How that works is you own the portion of the home that you paid for (how much it cost Habitat to build the home).   At the sale of the home, you get back that that you paid to build, and Habitat for Humanity gets any and all profits.

So during that housing boom she put 160,000.00 cash down on a quarter of a million dollar home in Ocala Florida in the Spring of 2005.  That information is in the hall of records in Ocala.  You can get that right off the internet without to pay.  The reason Brian didn't argue with you on this point was he didn't want the full thing brought up again and out there.  It caused them a lot of ridicule and trouble in 2005, so much so they had to leave town way upstate.

Prior to this, she was living in the home that Habitat for Humanity built for her.  Habitat built her this home because she and her boyfriend and two children were homeless for about 8 years (about 3 of which they spent living on a dilapidated docked unseaworthy leaking boat).  This was a prefered way of life.In this case, these people chose to live a totaly carefree lifestyle for years long before having children. Once the children were somewhat older, this was burdnesome.  (Note that this is not a blanket statment.  If a family or anyone finds themselves in this situation through no choice of thier own, that is a tragety).

She told me (and this is were the entitlement comes in) that she deserved to keep the profits from the sale of the Habitat house and God is the one that made the chapter president help her pocket the profit over and above the cost of building.  (It was a profit in the area of 200 thousand dollars). This is all documented.

The dates are solid.  Contact the newspapers in the Keys and find the story if any of you know how to do so.  Brian discloses his last name and her's is the same.  The house was in her name.  Her first name is Linda. M.

By the way, my full name is Kathleen Susan Wheeler and then my married name.  My family of origin always called me Suzie so that's why my nephew refers to me as Susan and Aunt Susan.  Everyone in my life outside of my family of origin has always called me Kathleen.  School, work,... my family friends.

Now, if little golden boy didn't lie about this story and call me a liar, I never would have been forced to reveal the details and highly doubt I would have. But there you are.

As for the little girl Tara who says that my family is hers now lol.. sounds like she's going to fit right in.  Such a shame a mother would have such a mouth on her.  That poor adorable child.  But she has asked me to never speak of her child again or mention his name and so I will respect her wishes.

I would not use their names had they not used them themselves already over my blog - so.  There you have it.

Sure is nice being no contact with these "people" and the healing has been rapid in doing so.  There is really no other way to totally heal from such an abusive family.

They did seem obsessed about my physical condition.  I no longer suffer from any depression so the weight has been dropping off ever since the confrontation with the NM and last contact.  That was five years ago.

I have lost most of the massive amount of weight I gained in bed for 4-7 years in a black depression.  While these people laughed about my condition, I was failing to thrive and nearly died in the end.  It was my dad's calling me to his deathbed against the NM's wishes that sparked my will to live.

I arrived in Florida the fifth day off from Serequil ( a horrible drug for major depression) in a state of detoxification and illness.  I was shunned by all but my little sister.  Every other sibling and their significant others cowtowed to the wishes of the NM.  And NM was FURIOUS that I arrived in Florida and was going to see my dad before he died.  She was really hoping to keep me from seeing him knowing how much I loved him.  She threw me out of there on a visit just the year before and that's when I gave up.  It was of course for setting boundaries with her that I was kicked out AGAIN...  But, I was finished with her.

 I made a promise to myself on a visit there the year prior that I was not going to be controlled.  But you all know what happens when you start setting boundaries with narcissists.

The following details the result of placing boundaries with narcissistic mother during my father's fatal illness the year before, on the visist that preceeded the a last, hisdeath bed visit.

What a liar.  You can read this blog.  It's got to be in here all the lies she told about why I left and was NEVER returning.  And what I did before leaving...  almost knocking her down with my luggage (lie), running down the road ... dad having to chase me with the car (unbelievable lie!), upset that it was difficult to make plane reservations (lie), lol  that's a narcs thing - not mine.  and the last thing she told them was I was upset that I couldn't bring a rabbit home with me.

Notice the obvious.  She avoids answering their question.  Why did she say she's never ever coming back?

She said to my siblings "She's was crazy upset leaving and I don't know why.  Three things happened.,,,"  And she proceeds to invent the above craziness as a roose to keep them from demanding to know WHY I told  my dying father, and siblings that I was leaving and would never see them again.  That this was going to be "goodbye" to our father forever.

In this confusing ridiculous explaination, she leaves them wondering what the hell is wrong with their sister to behave this way??  The wackier the story the better to stave them off demanding to know why she kicked me out of the family again.  She avoids totally ever mentioning this of course AND they faithfully comply by never mentioning it either.  As per every single narcissistically dysfunctionl family would.

They believed her and not one would tell me what she said to them to make them all act so strangely. Even after I told them over and over all that happened. "Kicked me out again same shit different day."  Didn't matter. They didn't believe a word I said because it was totally different from her wacko version.  They would just look at me incredulously. That's how I knew something wasn't right.  Why are they acting like I set a bomb off somewhere??  Because the NM was telling them I was crazy and left in a huff (upsetting dad)  for no reason.

Kicking me out was a major sore spot with my dad.  He fianlly put his foot down on this the last time and it was forbidden to ever happen again. He was seeking to divorce her over this a decade earlier, and part of his agreeing to stay was that if she ever did this again, he WOULD leave.

OH I forgot.  She also twisted the fact that dad wanted to drive me to the Fort Lauderdale airport.  Remember? I told him NO.  She told my siblings she had to convince me to STOP ASKING dad (who was so ill btw he could barely walk and breathe at the same time) to take me to this far away airport!!

But then my father died.

THEN my little sister told me everything.  We were both in total shock of the imagination this woman has.

The truth was....  My god it was so small and simple.  But for a narc the smallest things set them raging and you   are    out   ~!!!    I called for plane reservations and there was some trouble I had to call later.  There was no flight where I wanted to fly from.  Okay I could call later.  NM all of the sudden tells my dad who had just offered to drive me to another airport to GO TO BED. " I told him NO no no you are ill and I would NEVER want you to drive me."He goes to bed.

On his way to the bedroom his breathing was so labored I mentioned this to the NM who was keeping the extent of his illness from us... I said "I could hear him huffing from way over here.  He is very ill" She snapped at me like I was five years old "You NEVER mind!!  You ARE NOT to ask him about his health condition. DO you HEAR ME??  HE can be VERY negative!!"  I was like ?"First of al... what?   I'll ask him whatever I want to ask him"

It's so subtle, but did you catch that?  The narcissistic injury here is nearly impossible for us to catch, see, or comprehend because what injurs these folks so badly, in reality is not fodder for injury of any kind.

The injury is:  In the tiny quote up there the narc hears "Our father is really suffering, and you are lying to us about his condition.  You are keeping this unerwraps, even dealing with his doctors (for him), telling us there is NO name for the condiotion and it's just a mystery. You are a liar!!"

So, in a nutshell, in my concern for our ailing father, instead she hears, "YOU ARE A LIAR".

 BAM THAT my friends was the boundary and implied plea for accountability of truth that got me kicked out AGAIN>  She told me this was her house and I could just get my things and get out if I didn't like it.  I thought about it for a moment and got up and did just that.

Narcissists hate accountability, truth, and BOUNDARIES.

NM goes in the bedroom with my dad and starts in on him with the door closed.  I bust in for the first time in my life and tell him she kicked me out again!!  He shoots her a look and she flies off the bed and screams I'm a LIAR!~!

The last time she kicked me out when she said I could n't come back for five years, he almost divorced her for it... so this was dangerous for her.  And I wasn't playing for the first time in my life.

Nephew Brian knows nothing of this, but only the lies the NM told his mother, as you predicted, and he and she believe them.  Even after how sick I got over all of this... and being treated like this and for the first time to stand up for myself only to find my father too ill to stand for me also.

He remained quiet after only shooting her that look.

He thought about it the whole year he was there dying.  Then he finally called me down.  And that's how it went.

And that's how it goes with these narcs.  Petty.  Stupid petty childish jealousy.

He figured it out but he was too weak to do anything about it.  He died in pain calling for help while the NM withheld his morphine until my brother finally called authorities and she was removed from his care.  But he died without the first shot before the nurse could arrive.  His own bottle of morphine on the kitchen table policed by the NM who then was calling my brother a LIAR.

So you see.  Yeah.  You were right.  It isn't only me.  She has pulled this with all of us.  The stories are more and many and petty and not so petty.  Immoral, illegal, and criminal where what she did do my little sister is concerned.

So little Brian.  You are a fool.  Your mother isn't much different than the NM grammy wack job.  Of course you already know that.  And just like Magnolia put it so well, you will find this in the worst way in about twenty years.  You have the bonus of the sociopath father - so yeah.  You really didn't stand much of a chance from the beginning.

I would NEVER say this to a person who was working to get better and evolve  but narcissists love being narcs. and you my boy are a 34 year old overt narcissist in it's purest form.

Magnolia, YOU rock. Made my day.

I see him swimming, reading, laughing, building his house, dreaming of building a boat... wanting a yacht - being satisfied with neither.

True.  Yesterday is gone and today is a new day.  

With a new day is another chance to improve attitudes.  I have decided to accomplish the overtaking of the last hurdle in this recovery.

The last hurdle has to be the overwhelming sadness about my father's death. You know really it is more over, his life, illness, and death.  

I just couldn't get past how badly he was ripped off in life from birth until his last breath, literally.  The fact that this selfless man just never really lived before he died tormented me.

Although I knew from a very early age it wasn't my responsibility to help him with this, I wanted to.  For my whole life until his death this was a priority for me.  Any bit of happiness I could generate for him just filled me.  Nothing pleased me more much of the time than seeing this precious soul beam with happiness, pride, and joy - however short lived each moment was.

You all know that it never failed, no matter what happiness I could bring or anything wonderful that happened upon his life, the NM promptly took it away.  Or should I say at this point, he allowed her to do so.  Either way, it is jealousy that was the culprit there.  Pure unadulterated childish, hateful, jealousy.  Not only of me, but of every child that belonged to him, of every friend he ever had, of every place he ever went, of every job he ever did, and of every single relative who showed any love for him.

That last paragraph,.... should I be foolish enough now to go into detail, could go on for  another six million words, but I will spare us all. 

The fact is that after his death, I allowed the sadness of all of that to keep me trapped in a tortured memory of the man who I loved so much.  You know what? That's just wrong.  I want to remember him without being sad for him and for me - for us.  I want to remember him without the attached memories of the monster he chose to marry, have children with, and stay with until the end.

And so I am clearing my mind.  I am remembering him now in segments of memories.  

I see him with the fishing pole he made me from bamboo at the pond in Rome, PA... telling me to "Hold it this way".....  I see him at the kitchen table eating his eggs and toast all cut up into little tiny chunks cut this way and that and then cutting mine for me. I see him putting his shoes on for work, my little sister in the highchair, as he smiled at both of us.  

I see him finding the little note I left for him on the kitchen table in Athens, PA when I was 8 years old "Dear Daddy, I love you. Do you love me?  Yes or No? Circle one"...  I see him laughing about me and saying that he wouldn't trade me for a horse.  I see him teaching me how to drive a car...  I see him taking me to purchase my first brand new car right off the new car lot at age 17....  I see him giving me advice about work and money and life... I see him telling me about Korea and the War and about his family and the old times....  I see him with my children, his grandchildren... making them breakfast when we slept over...

I see him swimming, reading, laughing, building his house, dreaming of building a boat... wanting a yacht - being satisfied with neither.  I see him happy for me that I have a good husband.  I see him loving our stories about Egypt and our family there.  I see him listening and understanding... 

When I think of my dad, I always remember how generous he was, and how he was forever happy for others who accomplished anything positive in their lives.  

I have made a conscious decision to disallow my thoughts of him to wander any further than this because otherwise the overwhelming negativity that surrounded his entire life will enjoy yet again life in me as it gnaws away at my happiness. 

Happiness.  It's a good thing.  So good that it deserves protection - at least for now.  

Very soon will be the day when I no longer have to consciously police even my own thoughts, and when that day dawns I will be here telling how it feels to be TOTALLY free.  

So far so good, friends.