But don't you see? NM in discussing this to this day doesn't see her culpability. She sees only that innocent babies and children are responsible for hating each other.

The Golden Child and my brother

It just occurred to me that I knew of hate from a very early age.

From where did I get such a notion?

From the age of two, three, four, and five, I hated my little sister and it wasn't jealousy of the baby or the attention the baby was getting -  simply because this baby got little to no attention at all.

I was following suit with the NM.  My narcissistic mother hated us all except the golden child, and that was made very clear.

I, in turn, hated my little sister.

I feel robbed of not having been given the gift of loving myself as a child and my little sister, but worse, I am sickened by how this all had to have made my baby sister feel.  For her whole life.

(Not looking for anyone to say it's okay that's kids stuff it's over.  This isn't about wallowing and looking for forgiveness. I realize we were children and do not blame myself as a child).

At least my kids I'm sure didn't experience hate within our own home as little children.  That much I can be thankful for, but this other... The very idea that innocent children were introduced to hate by their own mother just makes me shake my head.

I wasn't the perfect mother, but I sure loved my kids and thoroughly enjoyed them loving each other.  Something the NM couldn't stand.  You were rewarded in my family of origin for hating your siblings - especially the ones being scapegoated at the time.

When my father was on his deathbed, with the limited breath he had, he kept repeating "Love" over and over... The one and only thing that resonated with him of importance or of substance left to say was, "It's really big....    Love."

I wonder if he had the breath, energy, and time left to elaborate ... would he have said something like?.... "Your mother didn't ever love any of us.  I didn't do anything about it.  But I see you took from me the love I have for you.  Somehow it was enough to give even to your own kids. Somehow this drop of love allowed was enough to send you off into the world to find a good husband like Khaled. To raise a good family.  I did what I could. I love you all regardless of what the NM said, and regardless of the numerous times she kicked every one of my children out of our lives. I still loved you all.  And somehow.  I guess by the sheer power of love itself, you knew this and you knew me.  You knew love."

I think so.  But all he could say was "Love.  It's so big."  I guess that does say it all.

Those three days on his deathbed he would look confused like he was trying to make sense of the very things it's taken me five years to make sense of here in this blog, and then he would relent with, "It's so big."

From the bottom of my heart I could only reassure him that whatever it was he was discovering, remembering, or trying to untangle...  It's okay.  And that he is correct that in the end what does it all matter anyway.  Where there is love, all else pales..

It was a little contradictory though with the NM steaming that I was there and the Golden Child Narcissistic sister glaring from across the room - but ...  so it was.  Business as usual in the narcissistic dysfunctional family of origin.

Others looking on in confusion of the negativity hanging in the room, experienced the contrast of that with the wonderment and the love between my dad and me.  A kind of a metaphor for our lifetime relationship, my dad and me.

 An unspoken under the radar kind of loving relationship it was, for in such a family, this is not allowed.  Any and all love and attention is to be given to the NM. Period.  And every single member of the family either abides or walks away.  It's one or the other.  I had long since walked away.  Hence the negative barbs and vibes on this deathbed visit.

But yeah.  Hate.  It's something about which a toddler should have NO idea.

I would be mortified if my little kids hated each other and would do everything in the world to show them love for themselves and each other until they had it down.  I would stop everything to straighten something like that out, unlike the NM who enjoyed hate and encouraged discord between the siblings.

And mostly I would want to know what it is about me that my little children were showing hateful behaviors as toddlers.  This would be a very serious issue for me as a mother.  I have to shake my head again at the thought that the NM was no mother at all to me and my siblings. If anything, she was an enemy - a monster ..  A terrible example for children.

To this day NM mentions in conversations with the golden child (GC has told me) that I was hateful of my little sister due to jealousy.  I would agree if it was correct, but it is not correct.  I never had a jealous bone in my body.  But besides that, how could jealousy be an issue when we are talking about being jealous of a baby/child who was ignored, isolated, abused?

I was a child following suit.  My brother did the same.  He hated me and for sure there was NO reason for him to be jealous of me.  and on and on.

But don't you see?  NM in discussing this to this day doesn't see her culpability.  She sees only that innocent babies and children are responsible for hating each other.