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| Me Egypt 1985 |
My husband's whole family knows my character - that I am inherently good where love family money and status are concerned.
Status means just about nothing to me and money not much more.
They witnessed me behaving in just such a way for thirty years - .. In the beginning it was much to their amazement as one of them outright told me.... " I cannot believe a girl coming from the USA to Egypt agrees to such substandard treatment." I will say who told me that in 1985, - it was his sister Nagah. She and I are much the same age. So we naturally spent a good deal of time together.
In those early days I still had myself and my achievements and abilities - and Khaled's treatment of me was easily forgiven however less easily tolerated,... for the knowledge of the overall picture of our life and family, which was just beginning.
But it turns out she was right to be concerned that I didn't protest his keeping me prisoner, and not to spend a dime whether in Egypt or the United States.
The marriage had great potential otherwise, which was eaten up little by little decade after decade. Khaled's main focus was on controlling me and my spending to the point of literal financial and emotional abuse. Just awful.
His intention was to gather and save as much money as he possibly could with every breath he had/has until the day he dies. And this he has done.
This would be almost alright had it been for us (our lives and future all together) but I was to learn it was not. It was 30 years before I allowed myself to fully believe it to its most debilitating degree.
Other than supporting his sisters and mother over the years, and his conditional support of myself and our children, he has been able to pocket more money than the average white collar individual. And not totally on his own I need to add. I was forced to work in my thirties and until 43 to pay for normal living here in the United States for my children and myself. Those years were wracked with sleepless weekends, 16 hours days, and much damage to myself and the children as a result. Terrible.
You know I don't even feel compelled to tell his family he did this to me and he did that.... They pretty much know. His total disrespect for me was common knowledge and a subject of great laughter for three decades among all of his family members, our children, and sadly even myself as I would be a good sport.
Suzie Orman the money guru in the United States, (who is spot on about money) would hold him up as an example, but even she would have to mention how Khaled's strangle hold on the money goes beyond it's usefulness and enters the realms of abuse and divorce material.
Finally this American girl/woman is telling it like it is and seeing it like it is!!
Life is beginning anew for me, my friends. I feel fortunate to have come to this place in life while there is life remaining.
It is essential for me to live NOW... for NOW... Now is all we ever have.
How else does a covert husband behave under such conditions as having his "good sport" wife leave him six months ago under the suggestion of the WilkesBarre Police?? I'll tell you. He is quiet as a mouse. He is meek and mild as a lamb and doesn't let on the least bit of information to his family in Egypt. Not one word.
Why?
Simple. He's ashamed of how he has treated me and he knows that they know it. My leaving speaks volumes without a word from my mouth.
How do I know he hasn't spoken a peep?
If he had, his twelve brothers and sisters and the brothers and sisters in law would have jumped on this blog ASAP for the details. As of now six months into court hearings forcing him to finally support me for the first time in our marriage in a quasi fair way, legal separation, and divorce proceedings, this blog's "audience" tab shows NO action or interest from Egypt. None. That's impossible had he said even the slightest mention or hint.
What does he say when he calls and they call? Probably the same as he has for thirty years... "She's good". And then a joke about something about me and my ways that is stupid and funny to them. ha ha ha...
I can only assume this but weighing it against the behavior of his family in 30 years and their irresistible urge for gossip/especially. family gossip.... I would bet my life on it. He has mislead them by means of omission just has he has me over the years in tons of ways.
In Islam, the husband is supposed to hold his mother in the highest position under Allah, followed by his wife. Even that was fine with me,... In fact I loved his mother so much that I also held her high. But when she passed away, I was not held in that position - not even close.
He treated me worse than ever before. Almost as if he is free now to abuse me in more ways than before and his mother will never know.
She was Sittoo to all of us (grandma). Sittoo loved me very much also. That woman had no idea who this son of hers really was. None what so ever. That's due to the covert nature of his slippery behavior.
The day she died he didn't even tell me. He went to work as usual and I told him when he returned. He said he knew. Without to shed a single tear for this woman that I always thought was held on the highest pedestal, he went about his business like we were speaking of what to have for dinner.
Again it's all about how it looks. All the yearly visits and the supporting of her was just for how he looks to the rest of the family and how he looked to her at the time.
There is a very big problem with gossip in Egypt and family gossip is no exception. You want the gossip to be good about you. You want what ever it is you do or are doing or are going to do with or for them or for your family to LOOK GOOD. Doesn't matter if it's good or not, ... it just needs to LOOK GOOD so that the gossip reflects well on YOU. (Khaled). in this case.
I shake my head as I write all of this because it took me 30 years to fully figure all of this out. Thirty years of why? why? why? Why did he do this and why did he do that??? It never made any sense because I just wanted to be happy and have a decent family and life.
He just wanted to keep me down and depressed where I wasn't costing him money - But he needed to do all of this while looking good.
He was the (care)taker.
I was "crazy". For many years, medicated. Never diagnosed as such btw, but you can count on any spouse that treats another this way calling them crazy. Labelling them in fact as crazy.
Khaled has a sister who does this also to her husband. So sad because everyone believes her except me and the nieces and nephews. The problem with this kind of abuse is that we tend to play right into their hand. You just don't want to see these folks who've been told you are crazy. It doesn't feel right being with them. You know they think this and the time spent with people who don't see you for who you really are / or even get and appreciate your authenticity is painful.
What would YOU do? That's right. You'd avoid seeing them also. I isolated myself every chance I got when forced in the presence of these siblings of his/. And in the case of this abused husband I am referring to - for the 25 years I've known of him, he does the very same thing. And I have to say it's likely for the very same painful reasons.
"Abused Husband about whom I speak,
I doubt very much you will ever see this, but I am putting it out there anyway - THAT - I NEVER thought it was you who were crazy. I never believed your wive's claims about you. The truth was clear as day to me because I was raised by a narcissistic mother who is very much like this woman. I recognized this early on and I always felt concern and solidarity for you.
Funny thing is I always figured you were told that I was crazy also lol"
Whenever I mentioned this to Khaled my husband over the years, he immediately discounted my concerns and shored up the lies. His proof was always the isolation.
Like I said, we play right into their hands. Being around these people is painful because they've been misled and or outright lied to about us until they are convinced that we are crazy. You tell me, ....Who wants to spend time with people who believe that you are crazy? Isolation is way less painful. And Isolation seems kind of crazy especially in a large family. It's what we call here in the US a "Catch 22".
