Serial Grief .... I couldn't have said it better....

Doesn't that just really say it well? Serial Grief. I can't think of a better way to describe in two words what the NM's trail of destruction conjures.

Not ever having a mother is grieved from day one. Having those who do love you taken away both physically when possible, and psychologically when not was grief beyond measure.

Psychological ways of taking away our loved ones are through lies, tricks, and insinuations in triangular communication about us and them to them and us from the narcissistic 'mother.'

I hate to write 'mother' because  not a single narcissistic person deserves the title. They don't qualify because you have to be able to be selfless and you must know love - unconditional love in order to be a mother.  Most narcs are monsters - monstermoms would be a better choice than mothers.

Jealousy is usually the reason the NM's take away those that love us.  NM's are jealous you are being loved and some NM's are jealous you are loving someone besides them.  They must be worshiped... and they alone, or you will pay.

It doesn't matter if that person who loves you as a child is your own grandmother, grandfather, or father - NM is going to find a way to take them away from you.

You then grieve also your own father and your grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, and friends.  If it serves her purpose NM will take away a loved pet, also with a lie.  They are jealous of the attention you give to the family pets, your dad, your friends, neighbors and so on.

Some of you (often the golden child) had to grow up without a childhood in order to mother your NM... to be the show piece for her, and to listen to NM's endless slander of friends and family members as you become her emotional support and confidant.  You grieve here your own childhood.

NM places permanent wedges between you and all your siblings.  The forgotten child and the scapegoat grieve their siblings and no matter the work they put into wanting a relationship in their adult lives, it's likely beyond ever coming to fruition in a healthy, lasting way. You love your siblings but you and your siblings are emotionally paralyzed to relate in soft, kind, caring, and meaningfully trusting ways. One doesn't trust, the other doesn't love, the other dismisses you, the other loves you but doesn't believe you.  All from the fall out of the destruction by the NM.  ALL of it.  You grieve deeply your siblings. Siblings grieve each other.

She wedges exactly the same way between you and your father from birth to his or your death, especially if he loved you unconditionally. You grieve him in life then and in death.  Even though you and he didn't allow the wedges to take hold - they did create an encumbrance - feelings of confusion, constant forgiveness (for things never said and or never having happened), and despair at the worst of the lies NM dreamt up to destroy he and you.  It was insane.  You both were forgiving each other for the lies the NM told you both behind each other's backs about what each other, said about the other - which to a degree you both believed, hence your constant forgiveness without a word to each other about it or the forgiveness.  It was all in your hearts.  NM was never deterred.  You grieved, endlessly, for your father before and after his death.  You grieved the normal relationship. You grieve your father.

You grieved that your children weren't loved by the NM, but treated like objects or worse.  You grieved that your children's relationship with their grandpa was also conditioned and controlled by the NM.  The only relationship that was achieved was when the NM was sleeping in the morning and your dad got up early and made breakfast for the kids the times you slept over.

That's right. The treatment was never enough. You always wanted more time ... more chances... to be the beloved daughter ... the good and dutiful enough daughter to one day be loved and treated kindly by the NM and allowed to enjoy your father without further threats or wedges after you leave.  You grieved this never happening. You grieved your own credibility. You grieved never having a visit with your parents and driving home in a contented way - reflecting on the kindness - the interactions - the love.

You grieved being kicked out of your sick father's house for placing a healthy boundary with the NM. You grieved his illness, threatening to die without to say goodbye to you.  You grieved flying to say goodbye and being shunned by the NM, GC, and your brother.  You grieved not sleeping the whole three nights there and crying all night long alone in your little sister's house in your dying father's town.

You grieved your father's suffering for being denied his morphine by the NM. You grieved his death. You grieved his life.  You grieved his death.  You grieved an easy fun, full relationship with him.  You grieved his death.

You began this post grieving not ever having a mother, and now it finishes with NOT grieving the NM as you confidently and lovingly go NO CONTACT with your narcissistic 'mother.'

Serial Grief.  You grieve, your siblings grieve, your grandparents grieved, your neighbors grieved, school friends of my little sister grieved, your father grieved, your Aunts and Uncles grieved, family friends grieved.  You name them.  If the NM was touching down in need of narcissistic supply, and they were or are there, they now grieve.

There are times during the managing her own businesses, the NM was getting supply in one way while being kind to her customers in another.  There are plenty of successful businessnarcs. You just have to be glad she was 'nice' to you, but know that the very same evening she was on the phone with me trashing my husband, his family, my children, my father, my sisters, their children and spouses, my brother, my dead grandparents, and probably you, eventually.

The accusations didn't end with me and my family.  Oh no, she had her favorite go to accusations and suspicions of people who worked for her over the course of both businesses and of the customers. The go to accusations I will not disclose because they are mean and hurtful, and the reason they never made any sense to me over the years was because they were all LIES.

Serial Grief.  It was, and it still remains for some.

But for me and my little sister who I will always remember as innocent and having a sweet heart - we escaped that grief.  We walked away.  We even got a measure of closure.  So all the lies that are (for sure) circulating right now in Florida, even sitll having to do perhaps with us do not, will not, and cannot affect us.

Serial Grief, the serial stops here.

If you want to buy the oils, I can get you started ... message me on fb if you know me from there. You can become your own distributor after your first order with me if you like. That's what I did. It's still expensive but it's well worth the money

I started doing this a couple of years ago and it was the beginning of a new way of life.

Since then I make my own shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, and toothpaste all with natural ingredients.

The shampoo is so simple and it's the best I have ever found.  Your scalp and hair is so clean and soft after.  It's baking soda and water.  I take a sippy cup and fill it with baking soda and then put in hot water until it stirs smooth.

I rinse with a couple of cups of apple cider vinegar mixed into a gallon of water.  You can do that twice if you like.  Your hair will be untangled and soft.  The vinegar smell will be gone with towel drying and or a blow dry.

The deodorant is baking soda, theives essential oil, and coconut oil and then mix a jar of Burt's Bees Multi Purpose Ointment in all of that to make it silkier. It goes a long way.  And the toothpaste is baking soda, theives oil, and coconut oil.

All of the ingredients are to your liking as for the amounts.  You will learn right away how you prefer each item.  It's a part of my regular routine and I would never go back to brand items for a few reasons, but the biggest reason is that these are way better than any store bought items.  My hair isn't left with any residue of any kind, my teeth are whiter than ever and I never have bad breath, the deodorant is STELLAR - you will NEVER find another as good ever, and the conditioner rinse is PH perfect.

It is a pleasure treating myself to the spa days and my home products everyday.  I feel like I am caring for myself better than I ever have before and it also feels good to be doing right by the environment in using these natural products.

The baths are wonderful for so many things, including the magnesium that is absorbed from the Epsom Salts which stopped my leg cramps.

There is one more thing I recently added to my routine and that is Young Living Oils.  These are essential oils pressed from the leaves of different plants and trees from all over the world.  Each oil aids an ailment or even cures some diseases.  For instance Tee Tree Oil from Australia cured boils that I suffered with since I was a child.  Others cover anxiety and sleep disorders and skin rashes and diseases.  So many other things these oils do.

I got the starter kit which comes with a diffuser and that's especially nice because it's like a tiny humidifier with the essential oil of your choice that goes into the room and your lungs and skin.  It is often times nicer than a Yankee candle.

My favorites are: Thieves, Peppermint, Joy, White Angelica, Valor, Orange, Lemon, Cinnamon, and Sacred Mountain.

If you are starting on this healing path or are onto the path quite a ways already, this is an easy incorporation to the lifestyle.

I found when I couldn't do anything else I could do the baths, then I could make the products, and now I can begin an exercise routine.  It's time.  So, now that I shared it with you guys, I'm going to start it.
I'll have to write about how incorporating the exercise works out.  I imagine it will only help me to feel even better.

Still not out there rounding up new friends.  Just not really ready for phone calls and commitments.  Right now, appointments are a challenge still for me.  Don't know if that sounds weird but that's where I am with all of this right now.  I have to be glad I'm no longer in bed like I was a few years ago and for so many years.  Those days are over forever.

If you want to buy the oils, I can get you started ... message me on fb if you know me from there.  You can become your own distributor after your first order with me if you like.  That's what I did.  It's still expensive but it's well worth the money.

I don't know if you will be saving on the shampoo and conditioner because ... it might end up the same price because apple cider vinegar is three something a gallon and I use two to four cups per washing. But it's again worth it to me.  I never have oily or dry hair or dandruff any time of year.  Once you start using baking soda, you will feel cleaner than you ever have in your life.  I wash my body with the same solution as the shampoo...  baking soda and water mixed.  It's perfect.

Note to people who color their hair:  I would ask my colorist before using this formula on my hair.

MOTHER

My son Khaled and my Mother in Law in Egypt

Here is my son and his grandma, my mother in law in Egypt.

Unconditional love, the glue that keeps families together, draws you into this photograph. This woman is a true mother and grandmother.  She gave birth to 13 children, 12 live.

She has dozens of grand and great grandchildren, and for the last 30 years she has been my teacher and my own mother.

She taught me everything about Egyptian culture, including how to speak the Egyptian Arabic language - and she also taught all three of my children the language.

My son, here, shows his boundless love for Sittoo, his grandma.  He and his brother and sister spent all their childhood summers with her, and she has been a big positive influence in their growth and lives.

This woman is a modern day saint, who was chosen to be my mother when I was 24 years old. She began then in a gentle way to dress my emotional rounds with her love and kindness. I remember living with her a couple of months out of the year several years in a row, when witnessing her near endless good deeds filled me with wonder and comfort.

I saw Sittoo serve a several course meal to a homeless man, and then send him on his way with some money, about which she told me you never let your left hand know what your right hand has given.

I also saw her raise a granddaughter from infancy, all the while being the pillar of the large family, keeping the house from sun up to sun set everyday. Together we always were when she showed me how to boil the whites with bluing for extra whitener, and exactly how to hang the clothes on the line for that wonderful Egyptian sun to complete the process.  In the afternoon, her downtime was sitting on the balcony with a dish of uncooked rice from which she would toss into the air and blow away the chaff. She called from the balcony to the butcher for a chicken and he came out from the shop below holding up two, "Which one," he wants to know.  After, that she motioned to the vegetable vendor and he loaded the basket she lowered with a rope from the balcony with the fresh vegetables we were having for dinner that day. By the time Sittoo and I came in from the balcony with the rice and the clothes, the door bell was chirping like a birdie. It was the butcher with the chicken already cleaned and quartered in a plastic bag. I remember that you didn't even have to salt the chicken at the table because it has a naturally, fresh flavor similar to salt.

When this boy up top here was born, it was there in Egypt.  Sittoo and her daughter Amal took care of him and me. After ten days they threw him a wonderful party and all the family and close neighbors came.  People brought the baby gold and other things to have for his lifetime. His daddy went to the bank and had his name printed on money to pass out to the people who congratulated us.

He was a big, beautiful baby, so Sittoo wasn't taking any chances with people laying eyes on him and with jealous feelings - so she shored him up with all kinds of folklore rituals for protection.  Once, when he was crying, and all the remedies she knew of weren't working, she cut out a paper doll and with a pin, she poked a hole in the doll for every person she could think of that looked at him. Then, she burned the paper over the baby and broke an egg over his back as he lay on his belly on the bed.  The yolk ran all down around his back and then under his tummy and he stopped crying.

The next year, we arrived in Cairo just before baby Khaled's first birthday, and between the trip and the time change, he began to cry.  He cried and cried and cried.  For days. Almost a full three days .. Night and day.  Not just crying. He was screaming non stop, which brought on red dots and spots all over his face, concentrated though on his forehead. There was a doctor in the family, and several medical professionals who all said that there was nothing physically wrong with him, so we all just kept passing the baby and trying to comfort him.  Sittoo never tired.  She never once gave a fed up glance, even. This baby could scream. He only stopped to catch his breath for a matter of moments before resuming the shrill. For days and nights non stop. It was a nightmare.

I learned from such an experience though, how patient and kind all of these people were - Especially Sittoo. She was the epitome of a mother and a grandmother. I learned then that when someone in the family is suffering, for whatever reason, they will be loved and supported for as long as it takes, and with a kind heart and open arms.

So, now that Sittoo is in her 90's and much like an infant according to her increasing physical limitations, she is surrounded by her children and grandchildren round the clock for love and care. She is revered as the queen of the family, and there isn't a single thing any of us wouldn't do for her.

I think what I enjoyed the most about Sittoo over the years was her lack of ego - or at least her lack of inappropriate ego. She was so easy to be with because she wasn't controlling in the least, and had not an ounce of passive aggression. Just pure real kindness - and funny!  She is very funny, really clever, and loves to laugh.

Even though I arrived in this family broken, I felt understood with Sittoo, I felt validated, I felt loved. This I know is what she is surrounded by now, and that just makes me smile.

Little Blessings...

and when you find it.....  Those are the ah ha moments in life.

I saw my father diligently searching his mind of all that he could ever recall over a lifetime in order to meet that goal before his encroaching death.

It's amazing how hard a dying man can work, unable to breathe in a hospital bed. His whole body joined the effort as he thought and searched. His eyes reached up as high as they could, his chest showed the beating of his own heart, and his hand in mine through which added energy was absorbed told me it's all coming together, and it's going to be alright. 

The Narcissist/Sociopath Loves the Triple Hitter

She destroys your relationships. Narcissistic mothers are like tornadoes. Wherever they touch down families are torn apart, and wounds are inflicted.

Ah, yes, the primary job of the narc. First time I ever heard the phrase, 'Divide and Conquer' the NM was using it with righteous indignation. She bragged, "I rule my home with the divide and conquer method."  I thought to myself... yeah you do. She was proudly announcing that no child was ever going to come between her and her husband. Or her and anyone or anything else. Period. I never understood her preoccupation with children coming between parents. It never made any sense. I knew from my earliest memories that children enjoyed the parents - both of them - and the inclusion of family. No child, unless maybe a budding narc kid would even think of coming between his/her parents.

NM successfully divided each child from one another - our father from all of us - us from even loved pets to a degree, and on a  fascinating note: NM even divided ME from my SISTER'S horse. You say how can such an animal lover allow this: Well, you don't get the choice. She lies that you abused the horse and you are banned from ever going near the horse again.  Yeah, crushed doesn't even begin to explain the reaction - and shocked and puzzled. To be fair and even more introspective, my little sister knew I would NEVER abuse an animal and did not believe the NM. NM went on to divide us from our loving grandmother - us from our cousins - us from our uncles and aunts - us from our friends to the degree she had control - and of course she enjoyed trying to divide us from our creator - from LOVE.

Insight is required here as to what was in it for the NM to stop my relationship with my sister's horse. Logically speaking, in training this horse, I purchased riding equipment, horse paraphernalia, expensive brass and copper bits and the like. To afford this and other things like my new car, I was a server in a restaurant long hours making good money. NM didn't particularly enjoy decent amounts of money going to this horse. Without making further trips to the tack shop, the money spent on the NM might increase. Either way, it was satisfying to the NM in a variety of ways. She enjoyed complaining to my father that she saw me in the field with a lunge whip abusing the horse, which shocked and disappointed him, and also she could knock me down a few pegs after me bouncing into the house all excited to tell of the progress I was making training my sister's horse. Narcs/sociopaths love a double or triple hitter.

So that's how that works. For readers who are minors, you might have no choice. But work. Save your money. Move out permanently when you are old enough, and that's the best thing you can do. For the rest of us, we have a choice to go no contact and it's forever with the NM. That is our ONLY choice. 

The good news is when you do go NC your life begins. It is so much brighter. The confusion you suffered is GONE. Your confidence and self-worth soars! You begin to learn to love and respect yourself and offer unfettered love and real respect to yourself and others.  

Life Narc-Free.  Its a good thing.

The angel did have an effect on me that day, and I never forgot him. I accepted Khaled's proposal and it was the best decision I ever made.

The year was 1984, and I was standing atop the United States Post Office long set of steps with Khaled in Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania.

I was just then taking a deep breath, watching the street and the people below before we were to begin the descent. A round older gentleman in a dark suit and open jacket, I noticed with purpose came walking up the block. He looked up as he went, his thick legs and wide, worn black shoes marched swiftly. The old man's eyes were fixed on me, and then he turned onto the walk for the steps to the Post Office, climbing all of them until he was face to face with me.

Khaled was standing beside me, and it was as if time had stood still that we didn't start walking down the steps, and instead we almost knew we were supposed to stand there for some reason.

Actually, I had a feeling as we stood on the Post Office steps that this was a presentment, and so did Khaled.

The old man took his lapel with his left hand and pointed at my face with his right, saying, "You are a very troubled person." I didn't allow him to finish. Being totally emotionally immature and at the zero end of the spectrum for any kind of growth or maturity, I shot back with, "What?  Ha!  Look at you!!  You're not exactly the full deck of cards yourself! Ha, ha, ha, ha!!"

And it was so strange. Such an odd moment that I can't even tell you what became of this man.  Did he turn around and descend the stairs, or did he maneuver around us and push through the Post Office doors?  I have no idea. It's more like it never happened or "Poof" he disappeared. But, it did happen and the best part is Khaled was with me and still remembers the event.

Khaled was fully healthy, but very patient. He never once shamed me or questioned my behavior - and man - there were many times over the years he could have, this being one of those times.  Instead, Khaled smiled at me and took my hand as we walked home together - babbling on about the restaurant where we both worked, and the continued discussion about his proposal to marry me.

But, I tucked this event in the back of my mind, where once in a while I would venture to revisit and try to figure out what it was all about. It was like an ethereal moment. I do recall that very shortly after, I was sorry I didn't listen to this man. I was ashamed of my reaction, and so wished I was more like Khaled. Laid back, confident, and standing on a good solid foundation. He had so much hope and promise about life and the future that you just knew nothing could ever destroy us. Being with Khaled felt like a dream. Beside my obvious challenges, wherever you were with him, the air was clear and felt good. The house was always a comfortable, warm, welcoming place to be. And nobody ever walked on eggshells in our home! I guess this translates to it was beautiful being together - no control freaks in sight.

I had a feeling then, and I am almost sure now, that this man was an angel. He was on a mission I thought as I saw him from down the block and all the way to the Post Office, up the steps, and right to my face. And it was so weird that the two of us, Khaled and me, paused there on that landing for no reason, ending up watching this man, almost expecting him to come to us, though, still, we were perplexed when it happened.

During these healing years, thirty years after this event, I keep revisiting what happened and trying to figure out what it means - what more the old man was going to say before I so rudely dismissed him. I mean, I'm sure had I listened to him, I would have learned a great deal, and maybe it was supposed to be a point in my life to begin the emotional healing. I know, though, I wasn't ready then, however wonderful it would have been to be fully well before starting a family. Still, I was blessed with Khaled and his family who protected me and were my teachers over the years in a kind of preparation for what I am doing now.

I think we do what we can - when we can, and we can't wish, want, or expect more of ourselves than who we are.

I have to remember this for not only myself, but for others. When I think about things I've been through in life I tend to rehash the injustices for some kind of vindication. Look! See what the narcissist did to me! But NO. Maybe I should begin to see it as in - Look!! See what I learned from the narcissist in my life. It was difficult and painful but I learned that there was always a choice. I chose to stay in contact with the person for 30 of the 50 years. The first 20 I was a child and had no choice, but the last 30 were my own choice to serve the person who was destroying me. I must take some responsibility for that just as I take credit, now, for going no contact, using boundaries, loving and respecting myself.

I wonder if that angel was going to tell me to please learn to love yourself. Please find respect for yourself and others, and take better care of yourself. Your life will become brighter and way easier when you do these things first and foremost. Then, seriously start to plan how to go no contact with any and all toxic people in your life.

It was another almost 30 years before I was prepared, primed, and 'done' enough to surrender to this very idea. My God, we need to teach children in schools that they need to learn these fundamental life affirming things before ever attempting to go out into the world. Especially as the decades move on and more and more children are being raised by a narcissistic parent. We have to take a serious look at the numbers and provide the necessary help for these children who are otherwise on their own.

Anyway, the angel did have an effect on me that day, and I never forgot him. It was right after that event that I said yes to Khaled's proposal. The best decision I ever made in my whole life.

"People Don't Change - If Anything they Evolve"

 "People Don't Change. If anything they evolve"                                                   kathleen awad....

We are who we are from conception until death, and sometimes our life's journey brings us to a place where we realize that it's necessary to take stock with our natural born selves.

Who we become over time is a result of the compilation of life experiences, but when we are awakened, we discover this to be the very evolutionary process necessary to achieve our greatest potential.

It becomes evident that each and everything that we have experienced during the full course of our lives has been a necessary continuum to our awakening. When we do this work for ourselves, we realize that there is value in every single thing that happens to us. Every person is a teacher, every animal a therapist, and every natural wonder a thought provoking life enhancing gift.

 This is not just a re-connection or a visit. This practice is a serious step in weaving our natural born given innocence, hope, and strength with our beliefs, values, attitudes, customs, and culture/s. During the awakening we see clearly which of the attributes and detriments are our own and which have been learned and acquired. This is the perfect time in life to celebrate the positive parts of who we have become and release, simultaneously, those that are negative and detrimental to our continued and accelerated evolution.

As adults and often even elderly adults, we find that overall, we are who we've been all along when we purposefully revisit our inner child, and we celebrate fully who we have grown to be.

Divide and Conquer - It's a Narc thing - ~ - Love - It's an Unconditional thing....

The NM admitted with righteous indignation, "I rule the family by the divide and conquer method."  Truer words never left her lips.

She pitted me against my little sister and my brother against me - and the golden child our big sister against all of us. Never once did she try to show us love and kindness - or how to be sisters and brother. Instead, she resented all but the Golden Child who she used for work and companionship. In so doing, she enjoyed our resentment of each other. I was hateful towards my little sister who was an innocent child, and I was never once forbidden to behave cruelly - same with my brother... his hatred for me pleased the NM.

GC was offered privileges and treated like an equal to the NM in exchange for raising the children and cleaning the house - later working in NM's nursing home. She was a confidant for the NM from the age of five and NM bragged endlessly about how grown up the GC was and of all she could do and do so well. Never had to be asked. She just did what needed to be done. GC resented this, but enjoyed the privileges.

Oh yes this posted sign is right.  GC would betray all of us with the NM, and NM would punish the three of us... my brother, me, and my little sister. We spent a lot of time banished to our rooms where we played army guys crawling under the beds and shooting stuffed toys - going from room to room. We had to be pretty little to be doing that and it was for all day. No such thing as a time out.

As we got older if we did any infraction, we were grounded for entire summers, but by then my older brother figured a way to escape his room. He would climb out the window and shimmy down the trellis just like in the movies. He wound't return until late at night or the next day and not be missed either. He told us (me and my little sister), and we never tattled. We thought he was funny and clever.

If we didn't do anything to annoy the NM all day she would make something up to complain about to our father who would come home from work all happy until getting the low down from her. It was always which one of us was going to be called stupid, dumb, an asshole, and or be spanked and grounded more.

NM convinced our dad that we did wrong things especially to make him angry. The word we heard was "mad." "Dad's mad. You made him mad. Dad's mad about such and such... Oh well, mom said whatever, and that's that." NM spoke and it was gold. You NEVER questioned anything or stood up for yourself or anyone else. Our father actually believed All of her lies from then until the year before his death when in his illness she kicked me out of the family again when I was visiting at their place in Florida.  NM told just amazing lies about that kick-out to my siblings also, but she had to be careful in telling those lies - only when Dad was not within earshot. When he was there she stuck to the lies she told him about why I was leaving.

You see, first she sent him to his bed and then kicked me out for standing up to her controlling behavior. It was about me inquiring about his condition actually, that I got canned. She told me that she didn't want me asking him anything about his illness because "He can get VERY negative." I was about finished with her really even before my plane landed this trip, and I was determined to set boundaries with her. I told her I would say to him whatever I wanted concerning his condition or anything else. That I wasn't a fool, and anything I would say to him would be more than appropriate. She looked shocked and angry. She started screaming at me in a whisper tone so not to alert Dad from in the bedroom. Ending with, "This is MY house and if you don't like it you can pack your bags and leave." So I got up and started packing my bags. I had enough. She followed behind and turned right into my dad's bedroom and closed the door.  Dun dun dun!!!  Yeah.  You just know she's in there telling him god knows what about what just took place.  You see the narcissist is suffering so badly with such narcissistic injury even for a minor infraction, that they have to stretch the story and or tell giant enough lies to get the listener to be compassionate enough in response.  NM HAS TO MAKE him feel something really awful about me because she is feeling something really awful.  Yes all I said was NO and packed my bags, but that's enough to set her into rage mode. It's way huger to her than the reality. Now she must construct and fabricate a story to match her rage. And to make my dad feel angry about me also would be actually the best result in NM's plan. That's the modis oporendi for the NM for all the years I've been alive, and that last kick out was no exception.

Later, she told my siblings that I tried to push her over with my luggage!  Further, she said that my dad had to chase me down with the car on the highway because I left the park on foot with all my bags and stormed down the road in a rage and wouldn't get into the car until dad kept inching beside forcing me to get in. This was to paint the crazy picture.  They all swallowed this hook line and sinker without a single question. She also told them that I was so angry about having trouble with the plane reservations that she could see it building then. lol  What? What building and 'then'?  wth?  First, we don't get angry over plane reservations. Khaled was fine about it on the phone.  We are not Narcs and  Borderlines. It's THEY who would be angry over phone and plane reservations. So I guess that sounded like a believable lie and sure enough - the sibs believed.  Even when my little sister told me this story after her and I both going No Contact and comparing stories, I assured her neither I nor Khaled was the least bit angry about anything, let alone the plane reservations. But she further insisted that she believed it because it's understandable to be angry over airport reservations . My sister said, "They can be frustrating."  I repeated NO we have NEVER been frustrated like that over difficulties with plane reservations! She said that seriously, she had been upset many times over plane reservations. I told her that we fly all the time and it's a given - not a problem.  I still didn't know if I was being believed THEN!  That's how damaging the NM's are to your credibility.

It's been decades since I'd lived like that and had to think like that...  But it comes back to you and hits you in the face with a heavy dreadful realization that, yeah, I forgot this is the norm here.  How. Wait. How does that go again?  lol..

Best for last.  My dad was dying, and in the final stages of interstitial lung disease. Walking from the chair to the bathroom was exhausting for him. I was concerned about his breathing, when I noticed his difficulty going from his living room chair to the hallway bathroom, and that's what I was talking about when I was trying to discuss his condition with the NM. My concern for him set her off, and she warned me to leave it alone. "He can get very negative."  The man was a saint and could barely breathe. I'm glad I stood up to her and told her in so many words that's BS.

So yeah the best part?? Here goes. NM tells my sisters and my brother that after the plane reservations and also finding I couldn't transport my rabbit (another part), that I was annoyed with my dad for NOT taking me to Forte Lauderdale Airport.  That she had to convince me to stop trying to force my sick father to drive me for what would have been 15 hours both ways from Ocala Florida to the airport in Forte Lauderdale.  Oh the very best part?? Like all of us all those years, believing the NM's outrageous lies, THEY ALL believed her!!  I told my little sister that I would NEVER EVER even say yes had he offered or insisted!!  The man couldn't walk across the floor for heaven's sake.

So it turns out that NM couldn't tell my dad or my siblings that I left because she kicked me out yet again, so she tells the siblings it was a combination of three things all adding up to getting mad and out of control and storming out.  *shakes head*  Yeah according to the NM, I left my dying father early (before the end of the planned trip) because the airport had difficulty with plane reservations, I couldn't take my rabbit, and I couldn't force my dying father to drive 15 hours so that I could fly out of Forte Lauderdale. I mean, wow. Think about the power these monsters must have or are given.  Because does any of that sound even logical to you? Every single one of my siblings never questioned a word. NM Never mentions that she told me what I was and wasn't allowed to discuss with Dad or I could pack my bags and leave. I placed a boundary that I wouldn't be controlled and so when she plowed right over it with the crap about only speaking with my dad about what she authorizes, I had no choice but to go No Contact starting then.

She never told them either that I knocked on their bedroom door and tried to tell dad the truth of why I was leaving and he shot her a look like you wouldn't believe. She sprung out of that bed and screamed that I was a liar. None of that was ever repeated to my siblings. Why? Because it's true and it makes absolute sense. And it makes me look rational and her look like the narc that she is. NM has the added bonus of knowing that my dad will never open his mouth about any of it to anyone ever, so she can tell people what she wants and she knows it's not likely to be discussed with him.

So when we were small, NM worked diligently to keep our father's perception of who his own children were a negative one, now that we are very aged adults she is still at it. For normal people this would sound insane, I mean who can allow their own perceptions to be formed by some one else?  Co-dependents do. Also, for normal folks, they would be shocked that people like the NM go around controlling, lying, manipulating, and triangulating conversation until her target's perception of the victim is exactly what she wants it to be.

Once when I was visiting them in Nichols NY, one of my kids was the baby and I was filling a bottle at the sink while they were seated in the kitchen at opposite ends of the table. NM said, "Tell Kathleen what you told that co-worker who gave you the birth announcement, celebrating his daughter's birth." Dad looked at me as I stood there shaking the bottle over the sink and said, "Oh yeah. A friend of mine. I told him, "You have my sympathy," And I meant it!!"  NM was laughing aloud with delight while I was horrified and, frankly, stunned.

At the time the golden child was basically no contact and still on drugs living a homeless lifestyle in Florida with little kids and a drug addict boyfriend, and my brother was no contact and had been for 20 years. My little sister was also no contact and had been for about five years then, while living in the same area. It might have been kind of less of a challenge to convince my dad that he was a failure as a father since three of his four children seemed to want to have nothing to do with him. At least that's what NM told him. And any correspondence was intercepted by the NM and lied about or thrown away. NM was angry my siblings placed their boundaries and she was going to make them all pay.

See NM knows how much we love our dad no matter what lies she tells about him. It's always confusing. You love, even them both, but when you visit everything feels strange and you have to guess or imagine who is 'mad' (probably at you) and why and then hope your mind-reading was on point enough to 'fix' anything it could be. It 's so exhausting dealing with the NM's games that my siblings were all smart to just stay away and get on with their lives. I was the fool that went back over and over and over and exposed even my children to the abusive NM.  *Shakes head*

Anyway, back to the kitchen when I had my baby's bottle, shaking it over the sink. I thought for a split second and said, "What?? That's awful!"  "Well." Dad said, "You don't know how badly it hurts when you realize what a rotten parent you've been by the fact that your own kids don't even ask if you are dead or alive. I mean the guy would be better off if he never had any children. That's how I feel anyway about having kids."  NM chimes in, "After ALL we've done for them! All the grand Christmas's, all the vacations, all the sacrifices. It's a thankless job, being a parent."  With that duping delightful grin she has when she's pulled off an epic narc fete. "I can't believe my ears." I say! "You actually told the new father that? My god. Hey wait a minute. And you really feel that way? I mean, even after having one child who never once treated you badly. Always comes around. I mean. Doesn't that account for anything? Wasn't it worth having all of us just to get one that really loves you and comes to your house twice a month with grandchildren and a six hour drive back and forth? Wasn't it worth having me at least?" It was like a comedy skit on SNL, and if it weren't so disgusting and heartbreaking this would come off as bizarrely funny. The two of them sat there looking at each other still smiling and in unison they said, "NO." I was crushed.

I'd have to write an entire book to go into the lengths I went to up until that point to build and repair (although it was never clear for what or why you were constantly backtracking, making sure everyone's alright and repairing) a relationship with the two of them. Never arriving empty handed, sending boxes upon boxes of gifts, dishwashers, Electrolux vacuum cleaners, Mary Kay cosmetics, Cutco knives, oh, furniture from a high end furniture store... you name it.  Almost all their furniture was from my first marriage when my then husband had a high end furniture store in Owego, NY called Stacks Fine Furniture. Their bedding was from me for 20 years, my dad's wardrobe every year, NM's shirts... you name it.  I made sure if I could buy it for myself, I bought it for them also. Mostly for the NM because she enjoyed fine things for the house, and I really did enjoy sharing and the fun we had when the NM was happy like that.

My dad made decent money as a model maker for IBM, but NM was in charge of the money, and NM's are financially irresponsible. My dad was generous and would give her or anyone the shirt off his back so she took his every dime and paycheck from him since the first day of their marriage. He had very little or no say about purchases and day to day spending.

Our relationship was pretty much like I explained until the NM kicked me out oh, about 4 years after that.

I set another boundary with her. I was no longer going to expose my children to her and I stopped bringing them. She forced me to tell the real reason for this change. Bam. She told me to get out and stay out of their lives for at least five years. Also that I needed therapy (man was she right there), and that if her making my kids eat outside was so wrong she hated to think of what kind of a grandmother I would be one day. I told her I wasn't going to make any blubbering phone calls after this, and not to expect any letters of apology .. that this was probably the last to hear from me since she was kicking me out. I wasn't about to adhere to her orders and return in five years, as if being grounded for the whole summer as a child or something. Tit for tat, the narcs love to use, so NM said, "GOOD!! It's about time you got the message!!"  So, you set a boundary with a narc who you'd spoiled and required not even the slightest ounce of respect in all the years past, and NOW you are going to see the wrath of GOD. As if you slapped her in the face and burned down her house.

Here what she's really telling me is that it doesn't matter if she never sees me again because now I'm requiring her to become accountable and to respect me. She throws in that it's amazing that I haven't figured out until now that she doesn't care one way or the other about me. I could go right then and never call or see her again and it would be fine. My poor dad was pleading with me to stay and try to fix this..  he said, "Wait. Don't. Hey. This with you and Ma can not NOT BE."  And that's all this precious part borderline/all co-dependent father could manage to get out of his mouth. That and a long hug and kiss goodbye he did have for me.  And, too, after that day and for the next eight years, he vowed to himself to spend the rest of his life trying to mend things with his kids somehow, and planned to divorce the NM.  He even called a lawyer. I think she exposed a little too much real self during that kick-out and he saw NM's mask slip.  Dad didn't like what he saw at all and wanted out.

She pulled out all the stops and tricked him with his own religion. That's right the Narc Strikes Back, and religion is always on the narcs menu. It's a great and powerful weapon of choice. NM became a convert to the Catholic religion. My father's religion from birth that the NM refused to have anything to do with over the years, and indeed badmouthed this church and it's followers their whole married life.

When the GC was a baby and my dad came from the Korean War, he took the NM's hand in his and pulled her to the nursery. He knelt down on his knees at the crib of the sleeping baby and wanted to pray for her protection and give thanks for having her and this beautiful life. The NM jerked her hand away and refused to kneel or to pray. Instead, she laughed, "huh!! If you think I'm going to be so stupid to believe that bunk you've got another thing coming!! Ha! Get off your knees." He never forgot that and never mentioned his religion again, but he was devout in a quiet way to himself all those years. Very serious man of God. NM told me that story by the way, not Dad. She lies so much but in this case I imagine it's just about accurate.  My dad would want to kneel and pray at the crib of his baby - that is the way he was raised. The stories he told were very much that way from his home with his mother and brothers and sisters.  And in later years I became friends with his sister who told me stories matching this behavior about how they were raised. After Dad's death, his brother also told me about his mother kneeling beside the bedside of her children and grandchildren every night and praying for them and with them.

My dad prayed for me and my siblings every night quietly with his bible in hand until his death. NM told me that, but I knew it. I knew him better than she thought I did. And he knew me. And she hated that.

Years later after this kitchen incident and just before getting kicked out at age 36, I had a retirement party for my dad in my new home in Wilkes-Barre, PA.  My Sarah Jasmine was the baby and I was almost 33. All my dad's relatives were invited from all over the country. It was a really nice big and special party for Dad. Kahled catered the whole event and everyone was amazed with the food and his special roasted, carved and then put back together whole turkey, dressed with cherries and other fruits on the buffet table. There was music and my two boys performed "Popcorn Poppin on the Apricot Tree" for them, dressed in adorable suits and ties. There was a circus tent professionally erected in the yard and the day was lovely. It was after that wonderful day that the NM cornered me on a visit back at their place in Nichols NY.

Everyone was telling the NM how beautiful the party was and how lovely a daughter my dad had for giving him such a gift. This I think was about killing her because her next narc deal sealed her fate with me. She had me drive her to Corning NY for the day and this way I was a captive audience for her mouth to trash everyone in the family including my dad. But her plan was greater than the usual triangulation, manipulation and control.  She waited for the right moment to release her best plan yet to destroy the relationship I had with my dad.

I brought up about how the party was so much fun and that I still hear from Aunt Ethel, Dad's sister, who came from Florida just to be at the party with us and to see her brother. I didn't know that every time I mentioned that party it was like an ice pic in NM's ear, so I went on reminiscing.

Because NM's a covert narc, you don't know what she's really thinking until you get the punishment later, and even then you don't know why or what for. Anyway, I said, "Hey. How about you guys coming down for the weekend of such and such holiday." NM turns to me like Linda Blair on the Exorcist and says without missing a beat, "Your father isn't coming to your house ever again because the last time he was there Khaled spoke Arabic with his friends and Dad couldn't understand." Turns out, in trying to get away from Khaled and his friends speaking a language which excluded him, Dad moved to the next room. Them, being of a collectivist culture, they followed him and resumed their native tongue after a time again.  He moved again and they followed again. It's kind of a cute and funny story, but anything small and innocent to normal people, to a narc is a a disaster. Huge insult!!  Making my dad out to be a total mental case .. NM said he was thoroughly annoyed and insulted, and that he's never ever going back to my home ever again.  And when the NM or my dad, for that matter, says NO or NEVER AGAIN.  That's what it is. There is no going back or change of heart.  EVER. That's the way it's always been.

I. Was. Crushed.  In absolute disbelief and shock. Just couldn't wrap my head around what I was hearing. Sick even. Just sick.  NM was fine.  She only added that she's not going to be put in the position of  telling him he's invited somewhere he's never intending to go ever again. Notice the narcissistic slight of hand here.  NM makes it like she's put in the middle here between two crazy people and SHE'S setting boundaries that it's inconvenient for her when they are invited because he's told her he's not ever going to my house again.  You know what?  This NEVER made a lick of sense to me. My dad NEVER said anything even close to this to me. Just so you know, if it doesn't make sense, a narc is behind it with lies. I'm sure that Dad NEVER said this to the NM.  He couldn't.  He wouldn't.  But, she was really trying to divide and conquer with him and me because of her jealousy of his love for me - his pride in me and my kids, and his joy about the retirement party.

I returned home from this visit with the kids just sick and Khaled of course once again picked up the pieces, and being the great husband and father that he is, his way of lifting the mood and having fun with the kids and me really did help. I decided then and there that something had to be done about me going overboard to be a dutiful and loving daughter, yet the response is ever more negative and confusing.  I was going to set my boundaries with the NM and since she had my dad on a short leash the boundaries would be for them together.

So this is when the above kick out happened... they actually moved and then I made my move:

They were moving to Lowman, NY after selling my dad's house in Nichols, NY to our niece. This was when I, on the NM's insistence of my visiting the new place, decided to leave my kids home. I was never bringing them again. The new place was not for kids. It was a trailer home and small and NM already complained repeatedly about my one year old "ruining" her window sills (not with toys mind you .. with his fingers) in the house my dad and my little sister built in Nichols, NY.

This new place in Lowman was stripped and refinished to great pains and detail, and I wasn't about to subject my kids to being placed in a chair and then made to eat outside which is what she did to them (and I allowed it ugh) in Nichols, NY.  Back at the house in Nichols, NY, once they begged to come inside with us because of the mosquitoes, and I told them to stop leaning on the screen.  JUST like the NM.  I couldn't believe how, like a robot, I treated my kids like she wanted them treated in her home.  Awful.

So, like I said, I drove to Lowman NY alone, set my boundary, and the NM suffered grave narcissistic injury.

Funny thing when she kicked me out, I realized it must have been all planned because when I went out to the car,.she came out and told me that she wanted me to load into my car with these things I'd given her over the years. This was all gifts from me to her which came with them on the move, but she parked them in the tool shed. I was crying and destroyed as she marched back and fourth between the tool shed and the car with lamps, crystal, pictures and frames, heirlooms from Egypt, (not the gold lol that she has a small pot of), and more. It filled the backseat of my Subaru Justy. All of the things were gifts I'd given her over the years, not to be returned ever.  Pictures in beautiful frames (because she would never hang them up if I didn't' buy the frame) of her own grandchildren! Given back. It was a typical NM slap in the face.  All because I was setting boundaries and enforcing them.

My dad was quiet but he did say he didn't want this to happen to "Ma and you" and that was huge. It was against her. Co-dependents like him often don't do conflict resolution. Years earlier, when I'd first married Khaled, on the weekly visits then, NM would torture me about how inferior the Arabs are and did I know that they circumcise the girls against their will and they are dirty and they are this and that.(all lies)  didn't I think of all of this before marrying him?  Oh, she read this book by an Israeli woman about Egypt and this is from where she formed her opinion, she admitted, and added I should read the book.  Anyhow, during these "sessions" my dad would get up from the table and walk away.. go right to his bed and stay there until the next day when he got up early for work.  This was the avoidant co-dependent behavior he used when the narc was attacking or plotting even. It makes co-dependents uncomfortable and paralyzed to do the right thing.

Following the births of my children the NM continued on all visits with, "You know, these Arabs steal the children and you'll NEVER get them back!!"  Even though I was learning the language and knew my way around Cairo and the neighborhood and I knew the neighbors there .. all that and anything else I said to prove this couldn't happen and wouldn't happen because Khaled really loves them -  didn't matter... she continued. Righteous indignation non-stop until you didn't' defend yourself and your husband anymore. It could be until 2 or 3 in the morning. I would be shaking from the inside of my whole body and begging her to stop.  She was evil.

I know now it was all on purpose, and I guess it did something for her watching me shake and beg and run to the bathroom with IBS.  Didn't matter either that Khaled was the best husband actually that anyone could ever have. And that's the point. It was obvious that I'd made actually an excellent choice in a husband (by chance on my part.... divinely ordained on Khaled's) but I wasn't all defensive about it - I seriously didn't think Khaled would do any of those awful things, but I wasn't all knowing and didn't pretend to be. I was happy then and willing to enjoy life and our marriage and family day by day.

Only it was painful introducing doses of Narc exposure two or three times a month, two - three days at a time. Sucker for punishment or desperate for a mother's love and approval. Desperate for an easy flowing loving relationship to be openly allowed between Dad and me and my kids and their grandparents.  Nothing was allowed.  Everything and everyone and all situations were CONTROLLED.

I learned that maybe I was controlling in part by going back and trying to love her into releasing some of that awful control.. I tried to show her how to love... It was grandiose of me to think that my love could with stand this, and further it could turn her behavior around.  Things were going to get better.  If only I brought even greater gifts, was more patient and understanding, was better at reading minds. Seriously.

The reality is the NM's a narcissist.  The condition doesn't get better. I did try my best and tried way too hard, way too long, but what I know now I know for absolute sure.  Narcs do not love anyone. They do not believe in the hereafter. Not having real beliefs in a creator makes it easier for the NM to torture the children, or in our case the child that her husband talks about lovingly and with pride. At that time, I was in constant contact so I was the child Dad talked about then. I know now by the treatment that I received from the NM when I married Khaled, when I gave birth, and when I had the retirement party for Dad, he was speaking of me often and kindly.

The truth of the matter is that my dad loved Khaled and me and spoke of us in that way to the NM often which made her jealous - and to stop this whole pain in the ass loving situation, the NM came up with that whopper of a lie about Dad being mad at Khaled and never coming to my house again. It was a total lie. THAT'S why it never made sense no matter the million ways you sliced it - it just was what I now call "A narc thing."

If it's confusing - seems totally out of the blue and just does not add up - BAM- You can bet a narcissist is behind it.  Before this realization, I was comforted by my dying father whose deathbed declaration put an end to the confusion for me.  I knew in my heart that day that he never said a disparaging remark about Khaled.

My dying father's last words to me were, "I want you to know.  'Kaylerd' is the best man I ever knew in my whole life."  I smiled so contentedly and thanked him. He told me to thank Allah because he sent me the most wonderful man ever.

It was then that I finally knew for sure that my dad NEVER said that absurd thing about not coming to my house ever again because of Khaled.  I knew it.

Now, more and more things that were confusing over decades past are beginning to make sense, or probable sense.

Dad never said a single word against my Khaled.  It was a lie.  A mean, potentially, life changing lie.

Divide and conquer.  It's a Narc thing.  But, it doesn't work when unconditional love is a part of the equation.  NM must have felt frustrated not understanding the concept of unconditional love. Therefore, when even the meanest lies were believed by both parties, neither one of us reacted to each other negatively. Both of us just took it as a quirk or something that was hurtful, but any behavior or situation or happening can't compare to unconditional love.  Narcs don't get that love is permanent. Situations are temporary, happenings come and go, feelings can be hurt, but love remains.

Narcissists will never know the joy of love.

You can divide all you want and have some success, but you can never conquer love.

I was 50 when my dad died so I can tell you that I saw the NM try to take away the love my dad had for me the whole 50 years with every single trick and narc tantrum and threat in her arsenal, and it never happened.  It isn't possible.

First kick out age 19, second kick out age 34 on holiday in Myrtle Beach, third kick out age 36 Lowman NY, last kick out age 49 Ocala Florida.  Narcs like the kick out, but, "I'm still here you bastards"..lol.. Taken from Papilon in French Guiana prison camp. 

It is totally evident that the Narcissist has always had Choices and Immense Controlling Ability

When one grows up with narcissists, it is evident that they do know exactly what they are doing.  They are the most calculating individuals alive.

Whether or not a narcissist hurts you is usually less important than acquiring the end to the means. They don't care enough about you to want to affect your life in any kind of way ... positive or negative.  So, in a twisted kind of way, narcs don't mean to hurt you personally. They are so self focused that it is their wants and needs that matter to the narc, not anything about you. So if their ways of going about getting what they need happens to hurt you... Oh well. That's where they don't care. That's where it seems intentional.

Intention. A narcissist does everything they do with great planning and conviction. They will purposefully hurt you in order to serve themselves.

Absolutely YES narcissists are in control at all times, and therefore they CAN control their behavior. However they choose not to. If it serves them better to be toxic in relating, that is how they will behave.
When a narcissist wants to gain position and it requires them to lie about others to mange this, they make a choice to put this plan into action. This requires them to be in control, and to control their own behavior so to serve themselves. During a narcs plan it might require for them to pretend for a while to be something and someone they are not. In order to pull this off they have to be able to control themselves and their behavior. So, the argument that it's not their fault and they have a 'disorder' and cannot control themselves is not entirely accurate.

They could stop if they wanted to, but the thing is narcissists will NEVER want to stop victimizing because that is certain death for them. They exist on other's energy, joy, money, success, power, and ability to empathize and willingness to trust and believe - Without being able to draw on others' abilities and character, the narcissist is going to have to do a lot of work. Yeah. That never appeals to them. They inevitably choose not to.

Sometimes they choose suicide over doing the work. Those could be the few narcissists who actually finally see what losers they really are and admit to themselves the lies they have told themselves and others. These are the ones I believe that have decided to stop the behavior, usually because they've been finally confronted by most of their victims. When a narc is backed into a corner they have a few choices .... narc attack, leave town and reinvent themselves, or suicide. The relativity of life's circumstances decides which of the three choices the narc makes.

The narc attack is the number one choice that has worked for them over decades. And changing identity, leaving town, while it is unusual and more work, it HAS been done. For those narcissists whose narc attack patterns have been exposed and this option has finally about come to an end, AND they aren't able to do the work of reinventing themselves - they are the ones we hear of suddenly committing suicide, seemingly for no reason.

Don't forget, the wearing of a mask or several masks and all the narc games is a big secret that they do not share with anyone. In the end, often after their death, is when the people of their lives come together and share their stories, finally revealing the degree to which the narcissist went to serve him/herself by destroying others during the lifetime of the narc.

It is totally evident that the narcissist has always had choices and immense controlling ability.

Strengthening your Precious Budding Wings and Protecting a Tender Heart

We can offer this to our loved ones and others from the bottom of our hearts, and anything more than this advice falls into the category of control.

If they are not minors, we cannot do effectively for people what they need to do for themselves.

Now, it is imperative to love and care for ourselves and to protect that adorable inner child we all carry with us.

That tender vision of our beautiful heart remains encased in the constant presence of our love and protection.

As we evolve emotionally, we reassure the child within us that we are present, and we promise to make all the best choices in order to keep her safe.

In the course of everyday life when often we can stumble on the emotional evolutionary path, it is important to remind ourselves that we are responsible now for our inner child and it is our first priority in life to love and protect her. Whenever cognitive dissonance knocks on our minds, we can ask ourselves what we would decide if a small child were depending on that decision. It is often a no brainer to realize that doing for ourselves needs to be as loving and protective as what we would expect of ourselves in the doing for others.

Empaths often face a real challenge learning to love themselves as they already love others. But it can be learned. Further they need to find the joy in loving themselves more than they do and have loved others. In the beginning it is a daily practice, adding more and more acts of kindness and self love until those behaviors become daily routine. Habitual self care and self love eventually leads to a new normal way of life and the Joy we have been seeking our whole lives.

People, relationships, work, food, drugs, and other distractions are not ever going to GIVE us the joy we experience when we have real self love.  Everyone's foundation from which their whole life moves forward is made up of who we really are and what we believe about ourselves. When we love ourselves, that's who we are. Loving.

When empaths are exposed to toxic people, toxic relating, and narcissists, they risk having that whole foundation shaken. Narcs leave a trail of destruction behind them wherever they go and with whomever they deal. Dealing with these people leaves us with cracks in our foundation, but it is our responsibility to protect that promise we made to our inner child and face the situation head-on, We need to cut the narc off at the pass. We now know how to hold the narc accountable, dismiss them and MOVE on.

When we don't react negatively to toxicity we aren't drained of any of our Joy. Now, we can go back and shore up the cracks left by the narcs in our foundation without a single crutch. We have the energy now to navigate the rocky waters in everyday life, that before going no contact the narc took from us.

You know, now that we understand that it's nothing personal, it's so easy to manage dealing effectively with these narcs. The key here is to know narcs love no one - whatever it is about what they did or are doing or are trying to do, it is NOT about real love. It's just business. Everything with narcs is just business even within narc families.

It is very helpful to realize that All of the confusion over the years about why the NM didn't love you and why the golden child and others believed her lies is ALL just business. The GC doesn't love you either if she/he is still playing the narc games. Same with them as with the narc (and often the GC is also a narc if not they have a great number of the traits for narcissism), it is just business. They Do Not Care what reality is, they want to remain dysfunctional and frankly toxic - it is their first priority because it serves the narc.  And it's all about whatever serves the narc. If you are no longer serving the narc, it's no skin off their nose. It's just business as they move on to their next target/s.

The knowing and fully understanding how seriously the NM and the GC Do Not even care about you, let alone love you, actually is a gift in recovery. As awful as the reality is, it makes the NC a breeze and gives you leave to recover by leaps and bounds totally unfettered. 

Like strands through the Spider's Web so are the days of our Lives

by Sean A. Robbo

You can see how the spider engineers his web from this photograph taken by Sean A. Robbo in Australia.

The web is exactly half finished here and we see how one strand pulled though the entire way makes the one-way maze a home.

And there he rests in the center before completing the project.

Seemingly suspended in midair, his whole life's dependence actually teeters on a near invisible foundation.

Still, the highest winds do not destroy this web. And, the morning dew, instead of taking down the web with the water's weight, provides for the spider his first drink of the day. The spider doesn't stress over dinner not yet landing in his parlor, nor does he care that his place isn't put together yet. All the spider thinks of is the drink he's enjoying right now and the rest he's about to resume.

For those of us who are adult children of narcissistic mothers, we have also what seems like shaky foundations, but the fact is, considering we've come through so much intact, it is clear that we are made of much more substance than what meets the eye.

Instead of replaying those tapes about not being good enough, it's time we take credit for our strength and tenacity. We were good enough to not only  survive decades of abusive control and manipulation, but to have come out the other side with a full life ready to be had says volumes about us.

Our life long near obsession for justice clearly comes from knowing what it feels like to be devalued and on the receiving end of manipulation. The reason we have been such a champion for others is that we know how this feels, and we want to learn to avoid experiencing it further as we encourage and help each other.

I have a problem with the quote "Hurt People Hurt People" because truly hurt people, knowing how this feels, would NEVER want to hurt others. The only way this might be true would be in the case of hurt people who are not yet awakened to the reality of their situation. It could be that they are unwittingly hurting others by their unawakened reactions, responses, and behaviors which are based on dysfunctional relating.

So there it is.. Our whole life's dependence teeters on a near invisible foundation. When this is magnified and in our face we have no choice but to get busy shoring up the cracks and jacking up the ends that have settled over time. Is it no wonder before this awakening we were literally limping along? Our whole foundation was off kilter, and as it settled deeper and deeper on one end or the other over the years, we used this crutch or that until even those were no longer effective.

Let us build our webs in our own meaningful way, in our own time. Let us drink the water and enjoy the moments of now. And let us continue to shore up the points and shine a light on the cracks so that we may continue to be our best selves and do our best work.

What would you tell your younger self then and now?

No Contact

And what would I tell my younger self now? I would say that you see you got through all of it after all. Yeah you could have done it differently and surely better, but you did do it. You chose a wonderful husband, and you gave birth to three beautiful and loyal really great children, and you have chosen some really special friends in this lifetime and as of late with social media.

Despite obstacles you are here. You are being well taken care of by the adult person you are.  You are and always were loved.  You were loved by your father and your grandparents and even parents of your friends growing up. You are so loved by your husband and although he doesn't complete you (because completion isn't found in another), he is the perfect husband for you. He cares about you and your well being and he loves and cares about your children so much also. He is the son every mother wants, the husband every woman wants, the father every child wants, and the friend everyone hopes to have. And you have been blessed with this wonderful man in your life for thirty years.

Here you are after 50 and you are in need of nothing. Maybe it is time you gave back beyond your children and husband and parents and in laws. It might be a great time to volunteer somewhere or just do your own charitable work. It could be in your daily walking time. You could be in doing this taking better care of both your mental and physical health , while giving back to others on the way.  Animals and people - whomever you see that could use a helping hand.

You never know what could be the next chapter in your life and it seems you are right on the precipice of it.coming about.

Don't search for anything because the best things that you have gotten in life came to you on their own and the best things that happened to you in your life actually happened by chance or fate.

Be. Do. Believe.

I had to laugh in getting these photos together .... Recently a fb friend was joking that being the second baby, there were only two photos of her!! I see this must be a thing in families of long ago because it isn't easy finding them of any of the kids after the golden child first born lol...

Brother Joey 4 Golden Child Linda 6 Rome Pennsylvania.  This house I remember fully and I left there just under the age of five.  I wanted to stay.  At least there I was best friends with the neighboring farm's dogs Barney and Shep.  I still remember saying goodbye to those goofy dogs outside in the field between our house and the farm.  The wild flowers and meadow weeds were taller than me or at least eye level.  Those dogs went with me in that meadow everyday and I imagine that they protected me from all kinds of snakes and things. They were cute.  I also loved the cows and the barn cats and kittens.  June, the mother of the farm would milk the cows and bring in fresh warm milk to have with homemade pie in her kitchen.  Me, her, and the dogs.  I remember the house in Rome, Pennsylvania all those years ago.

Golden Child Linda 4 Nichols New York at Grandma's and Grandpa's holding baby goat. One more year and she was learning to iron clothes.  She already at this age made NM's bed and helped with the little brother.  And listened to NM's complaints.

Eldest left golden child Linda 13 holding cousin Andrew 2  Debbie lost child 5 cousin Chris 6 Grandma holding cousins, Kathy and Laurie 2 and 4 and Me, 8, scapegoat Standing with one hand on Grandma (wearing dress and red tights) lost/scapegoat child Joey standing behind. Look at me here.  I am actually cute.  I always thought I was ugly.  I mean really ugly and obese.  I should have been told how adorable I was.  Instead I was told I was ugly and fat by the GC and poor Joey there..  NM's pit the children against each other for better means of control.  You would be rewarded for abusing your siblings. 

Me and Debbie one and three on the swing-set Grandpa put up for us at Grandma's and Grandpa's in Nichols New York

This photo is one of only two that I know of with Debbie or even of Debbie alone as an infant. There are literally hundreds I think of Linda the golden child but I think a lot of those were taken by my grandparents when the NM lived there while my dad was still in the Korean War. But still... that's all?

This is the couple that gave birth to the monster that is our "mother" the NM.  They were a lovely couple and really beautiful people.  A sweet good family.  My grandmother was kind and such a good mother and grandmother - patient and giving...  Grandpa here was so wonderful I remember everything about him and he died when I was two and a half.  I loved him so much.  He was so happy to see me every Sunday and I would break away from my parent's hands and run to him in his chair where he'd throw me up into the air over and over and eat my belly!!  I remember what he wore and that he smelled like the slaughter house's sawdust.  He had a slaughter house in Nichols, New York.

All grown up at class 1978 35th class reunion in Athens, Pennsylvania 2013. I am far left second row.

Debbie 15 building the house - She and our Dad built that whole house - It still stands in Nichols, New York... She was home on weekends from the foster home she lived in after being signed over to the state by the NM at 14. 

My sister Debbie the lost child at around 11, just before being signed over to the state by the NM - Here happier times with our precious father ... I think he was about 35 here..  Aren't they wonderful.

Debbie, my little sister, threw me a birthday party for my 19th birthday in the new house she and my dad built in Nichols, New York.  It was nice of her to surprise me with this party and a beautiful opal ring.  I'll tell ya, the lost child here started out life so hopeful, so generous, and so kind.  Look at me here waiting for the other shoe to drop.  You never knew what the NM would complain about to my dad after it was all over....

Golden child Linda home for the holiday from hitchhiking all over the united states with a drug addict.  This year my dad got these medallions for the 1976 celebration .. one for me and one for Debbie pictured on her here.  NM to the right with her fancy hairdoo she had it done every single week for as long as I could remember.  She also had people hired to clean her house.  Every morning I would say "Good morning Mom" and she would quip back, "Make my bed."   Every single morning since Linda took off at eighteen..  all her jobs became mine.  NM had it pretty good. 

Become Better - De-Narc your Life.....

Does this visual make you tired just looking at it?  LOL..  Yeah.  I mean haven't we been doing this for decades??  lol...

For so long keep trying meant tolerating the narcissist and doing more for them.

Keep praying meant flipping through the channels from one television evangelist to another, seeing them putting on overdone productions, asking for more money.  They proudly admit to living lavish lifestyles from the money sent to the ministry, and back it up with "scripture."  Yeah. Click.

Staying positive meant using every crutch that worked, otherwise the last ounce we had would escape us.

All of the above made us think of the life we were born into with our narcissistic mothers.  The more we tried the harder you got hit over your head with her lies, manipulations, and CONTROL.  The more you prayed with narcs, the further away from your true intentions your prayers seemed manifest.

The more you tried to stay positive the more you relied on crutch after crutch.

We ultimately became worse before dealing with the core of our dysfunction head-on.  Dysfunction is really the word because it comes to a point where we just can no longer even function being in contact with narcissistic family members.

Some of us are stronger and can manage throughout more decades than others, and for those of us in this category, often it isn't until the age of 50 or 60 that we start the process of de-narc-ing our lives. For the lucky others who couldn't take it any longer, earlier on...  they have a fuller longer lifetime to look forward to because they de-narc likely in their late twenties / early thirties.

Become better....  De-Narc your life.