It's one thing to get this intellectually, but to feel it and really be healed - it has to come to you. This happened to me. My goodness I'm grateful.

Me in the Mohammed Ali Castle Citadel in Cairo Egypt

This is how I feel today, kind of on top of the world with a keen sense of peace.

Victimization has been turned around to empowerment for me. What was or is done, isn't about me. It's between the perpetrator and the wall - and those who enable her.

I know that after turning this corner in recovery there are many other things I will accomplish - Some for more growth and self improvement and some for others.

My life was so packed with thoughts of all that has happened as a result of having a narcissistic mother that what I accomplished before was over and above all the negativity.

No wonder life was a grand challenge. Even the gifts of life while wonderful, presented challenges.

The challenge was to enjoy, fully, life and it's gifts without allowing the resounding negativity playing in the background to affect the here and now. Very difficult.

Life free of negativity - free of narcissists, free of borderlines, free of sadness, free of intrusive thoughts, and free of crutches has become actually living, a chance to begin anew without those impediments.

Now there is time to enjoy the things in life beginning with myself and family, and onto the wonders of nature and the gifts of animals, laughter, sunshine, and belonging.  You may wonder if you will ever feel this way. I know I did. But with the necessary steps in recovery and hard work - the real desire to achieve this freedom, it is very possible.

Funny, how when I got so far in recovery, instead of me presenting myself to the recovery, the recovery began presenting itself to me.  Just last week it came to me that this is it - it's finally over (the victim mentality) the prevailing attitude that was the last thing holding back my freedom.

I had gone no contact.  I had been in therapy.  I had done tons of writing and journaling. I did the forgiveness - I examined in minute detail the offenses - I even got the closure and won with the NM on the last day of contact, but I needed to drop the feeling of being her victim.  The feeling of knowing all of us were victims.... the feeling of total helplessness over what she did to our dad on his deathbed, withholding his morphine.  I had to let this go finally.

She isn't a mother. Never was a wife. Isn't really even a person.  So ALL she's done really doesn't matter. It can no longer affect me. It is a history which is her history, not mine.

Where I am concerned, her history and she herself, isn't real. Because if she isn't a real mother, I have no mother. If I have no mother, it wasn't my mother who perpetrated decades of crimes against me.  It's a monster that was once able to control my reactions - that's all. In doing so she used various forms of abusive behaviors which she enlisted others to accept - what they wouldn't accept, she lied about.

A monster. Not even a person.

It's not personal. What she did to me, she'll do to anyone - in fact she's got to be doing the very same things to someone else right now.  It has nothing to do with me, personally. It's just business.

Business as usual for sociopaths and narcs is just that.  Nothing personal. That's why they are so shocked when people don't just right off the bat get over their lies and manipulations against them..  It's just business.

Kind of like how the mob operates, the sociopath/narcissist has her victims, but so what.. life's supposed to go on. It's the victim's problem if they cannot move on, not the narcissists.

I stand here today overlooking the hear and now, and it looks promising.

It's one thing to get this intellectually, but to feel it and really be healed - it has to come to you. This happened to me.  My goodness I'm grateful.

Taking Personal Responsibility Long time Coming

The surrounding theme in this recovery has been the result of an exhaustive never ending list of emotional wounds from my own mother, which by now has not only readers of this blog, but finally myself, saying, "Enough."

If over and over the story is played, described, dissected, and dismantled until one is blue in the face, at which point do you have to admit the revisiting of the issues may becoming a form of self harm?

I guess it could be self abuse and self neglect when one decides to recall hurtful feelings as opposed to choosing to recall what feels good.

We know what the NM did, has done, is doing and still does to me and my loved ones, but choosing to recall specific emotional wounding and feeling badly as a result does become some form of self harm.

When I feel myself doing this, hanging onto what she's done, revisiting it - I have to challenge my beliefs and thoughts in that moment of unhappiness. I ask myself why I am having this particular feeling? What am I thinking now to cause this feeling? Inevitably, it is about the NM, and how she managed to take so much from my dad and me.

The fact is she did, but there is nothing I can do about it now - and even then, I did every single thing that could be done about it - whether or not it ever changed anything - I tried with every ounce of my being to be accepted and loved. Rethinking it all now is not helpful.

I do not want to choose to feel hurt because it is my main goal to end suffering, so it is in this moment I remind myself that I am free to leave this past behind me. I now invest in the hear and now.

Since I choose to leave the past behind, my life is trauma-free. My thoughts, in turn, are becoming trauma-free.

The question of trauma though is worth addressing. There are opinions about degrees of trauma, as in from whining about sadness to real wartime kinds of trauma. I don't like measuring degrees of trauma because the experiences are less relevant when the issue is their effects on individuals.

As an individual, my experience with trauma is relevant and has been shared. Ya think? For me, understanding the meaning of this trauma is key for escaping the past, but being able to take responsibility for my thoughts and experiences is all about the hear now.

I have freed myself from a narcissistic/sociopath mother.

My identity is my comfort zone, so in redefining what's comfortable, I am the daughter of Joseph Anthony Wheeler. The trauma of which I have successfully dealt is of the past, and at this point in my life I see no good reason to point additional fingers or lay additional blame.

I need to redefine what it is that is comfortable. It is comfortable being the daughter of Joseph, and just not having a mother. Actually, it is obvious I and my siblings didn't have a mother, instead we had a mean childlike actor in our lives, whose appearance was that of a mother.

Without a mother at all, NM or otherwise, about whom to reflect, this whole personal responsibility thing is much easier.

I feel like I can close the chapter on the NM. since effective immediately, she doesn't exist.

I am consciously choosing to only ever reflect on the good memories with my dad from this day forward.  There are so many good memories with him and yes they are all tainted with the NM and how she tried to undermine our relationship, but after this post that part of my times with dad will no longer be a part of what I choose to recall.

In recalling what is positive and useful, Dad made me smile, and his memory makes me feel good.

I am the wife of Khaled Awad, and the mother of Khaled K. Awad, Joesph Awad, and Sarah Jasmine Awad. Also the daughter in law of Sadaia Sherrif, the sister in law of Nagah Awad, Amal Awad, Aza Awad, Salah Awad, and Magdee Awad.  And a very large extended family of choice in Egypt.

I surround myself now with the people and the things I love which include animals, photography, the written word, truth, gratitude, generosity, patience, kindness, my husband, my children, neighbors, family, friends, and PEACE.

When I add those together I get LOVE.

Thank you Sittoo.... for a Job well Done

Sittoo raised eight girls and four boys and some of her grandchildren as well.  Every child who was fortunate enough to be raised by her was sent into the world having been loved and well cared for by a kind and generous soul.

This woman married so early in life that the wedding night she changed her mind and went back home for three years until she was mature enough to be living with her husband. Nothing traumatic - just a mutual understanding and agreement between Sittoo and her husband who was much older.

During those three years she was taught to cook and clean and keep a home, all in preparation for her new life with her husband. It was after this time was up that Sittoo decided it was time to join her patient and ever so kind husband in life and marriage.

The following year they announced the birth of their first-born child, a girl.  And for the next twenty-five years Sittoo was giving birth to and raising her twelve living children.

It seems like what was most important to Sittoo in the raising of the children was that they were loved, warm, and safe at all times. Small children were encouraged to be individuals who expressed their wants and needs.

It was important in this family to be straight forward in relating. Honesty and clarity fostered a trust that all of the children carried with them throughout their lives.

Following the above outline for the raising of the children was the importance of things like religion and discipline.

Above all, though, was the soft and quiet way Sittoo assured each child of their self worth and self respect. Her love encouraged them to love themselves and to love and care for others. Sittoo has a way of listening and understanding which makes the child feel affirmed and validated. This, alone, gives a child a head and shoulders above and beyond kind of boost of confidence with which to begin life.

This is how my sweet Khaled came to be such a good and healthy person.  He was turned out into the world as a gift for the fortunate girl whom he would eventually pick.

He picked me fairly quickly and I found him to be the most patient, kind, loving, adorable, interesting, intelligent, funny, understanding, non-judgmental, ambitious, capable, good man I've ever known or seen in my whole life.

Thank you Sittoo....  for a job well done.

Khaled is a total reflection on you.

In my Heart Out of my Life

This ought to be a kind of second nature, since much of relating with my family of origin was indeed a forced out - kept away kind of hit and miss acceptance, depending on the value/ devaluation process in which the NM was engaging at the time.

Even the great love I had for my dad and he for me was kept in this limbo like place all the years he was alive. It was only allowed to blossom when I'd arrive on the scene, blasting past intercepted mail, now bearing gifts for the NM.

The price of admission.

Then, Dad and I picked up where we'd left off from the the previous visit, after which the NM went to work to disassemble every single gesture, emotion, and understanding we'd built and enjoyed.

So now that I have gone no contact with my toxic family of origin, all but one sister, I find this learned practice a kind of interesting way to love a difficult person.  For me, if I love someone, I love them. I don't just throw love and people away. Love doesn't work like that for me. It's kind of an intangible thing over which I have no control - nor would I want.

So like probably most people, I have a few "loved ones" in this category, tucked safely in my heart.

Strange though, how in our lives, for our mother (NM) in dealing with her own children, she kept us all wedged against each other. She didn't stop there though, NM 'tried' to keep our father's love from us and ours from him in a myriad of ways.  All of the above was done with lies, manipulation, triangulation, and controlling every single setting and situation, communication, and visit with our Dad.

As we became adults with our own lives and families, NM. enlisted the same with us, to the degree she could manage.

This resulted in a constant chase for love on my part. I was under the impression from such a tender age that love was something to be acquired through being good enough, loving enough, kind enough, forgiving enough, pliable enough, and understanding. You could call this the perfect preparation for the people pleasing personality.

As a child, everybody loved me outside of my family of origin. My Aunts and Uncles, cousins, neighbors, school friends and their parents all loved me so easily, so it served me to a degree as a learned way of coping in an unloving family for how to garner acceptance in the world.

I knew that - I knew people liked me and accepted me, but there was this underlining sadness, this realization that in my own family to achieve such acceptance seemed impossible. Yet I chased that love and acceptance for fifty years.

In the end of my childhood, I married at 20, a man who didn't love me. I chased him and his love mercilessly. I even recall during the short three year marriage, once begging him to at least pretend to love me. Poor guy. Where there is no love, I mean, what did I expect?

Then, when I decided that this man just did not love me. Period. I radically accepted it and made the decision to strike out on my own and leave a life of non love for I didn't know what, but even being alone with a job and my own security would have been a welcome change.

When I look back at that last year with my first husband, when I came to such a conclusion and made the decision to leave, I see a very young person with very little self worth - but still - I was able to correctly put the puzzle together and move on. It is amazing since I had no one in my life with whom to lean on or even discuss the matter. I was isolated really in the world - but I did have myself.  So far in my life, NM hadn't yet managed to destroy me and my sensibilities, threadbare, though, they were .

I took this giant step forward and continued on this path, coming across who is now my second and last wonderful, loving husband Khaled.

It occurs to me now the strangeness in doing such a brave and right thing. It could be this show of confidence that set off  the NM's campaign right then and there to destroy me. I can see now that probably my dad was proud of me for this and surely he made the mistake of sharing his thoughts and feelings with the NM.

It was after marrying Khaled and having a home and starting a family that I was able to travel twice a month back home and try to build the relationships with the NM and my dad.

I always cherished the times I did get with Dad because our conversations were so rich and colorful - just fulfilling. He felt the very same way, and we shared a similar sense of humor which was not only enjoyable, but actually now that I look back on it, a comic relief as it were. Laughter releases hormones called Oxycontin in your brain which destroy the chemicals released by stress.

Humor in that family dynamic was essential because NM's very presence was stressful. Her every breath was a negative force - a constant looming threat. You never knew exactly why (but you knew you would later be told) you were feeling stressed, but you thought it could be the time you arrived, the subjects you are discussing (something you said), what or who you brought with you, what you didn't bring with you, where you are sitting, how you are sitting on NM's furniture, what you touched, did you take your shoes off, what you ate, what you said and how you said it. Oh, where you parked your car and what door you came in on arrival.  Yeah how about that one.  She's a piece of work.

The possibilities for the negativity were endless but they were always perceived about you. If not, she'd remind you. Often she'd blame the negativity on Dad (but it was about you anyway) and tell you, "Dad doesn't like this and Dad doesn't like that.. and You should know your dad doesn't like such and such."  Oh, and, "Your Dad said..."   When I left, now I know anyway, that she'd tell him the same about me.  I guess it only made the both of us sad and sick. We never did blame each other or love each other less as she'd hoped. But it sure was a mean way of life for decades.

We were fools not to pin her down on all of this until Dad's death. But we didn't. It's not uncommon where narcissistic mothers are concerned to avoid doing so.

People, children, adult children, and spouses just do not want to rock the boat.

Here I'd like to give myself the love, respect, and attention that I deserved all those years ago when I was all alone with an unloving husband. Those few years, in which once I called home for a meal because I was hungry and the NM refused. There was only enough she said, for her and Dad.  My dad would have rather cut off his right arm than refuse me -... had he only known.

I'd like to actually give myself credit for being the person I am and always have been - the kind of person who admits to mistakes and strikes out to do something about them.

To face adversity without support or weaponry, yet come out on top is kind of an amazing fete. It was brave and right to leave that first husband, and at the time I didn't know anything for sure except staying with him was to suffer.

I wanted love. Now I am loved. I didn't want to suffer and so now I do not suffer. I wanted to remove from my body and soul the pain of past abuses by the NM and I have done so. With this, all anxiety has vanished from my mind, body, and soul - and I am so grateful.

And I am still me. I am the me that my grandfather loved so much, that made her way through secondary school, that survived a failed first marriage, that was blessed with my husband and three wonderful children and extended family of choice, that graduated from university at 43, and the same me who has nearly fully recovered from all of the conditions resulting from decades of chasing the love of a non loving mother.

I always said that people don't change.  We may grow and evolve, but we are still us in the end.  Here's to being me. It's good to still be me and frankly, at this point, it's good to be alive and well.

Coping with Cognitive Dissonance

Chrissy, Joey, Me, GC Linda

My grandpa would die this summer.

This is the Easter scene at our Grandma and Grandpa's farm house in Nichols, NY.

I am two here holding my ears. GC has nothing to ever worry about as she boldly glares into the camera's lens. Joey, as usual, removes himself by looking down. Chris here is just a normal little toddler - the son of my Aunt Phyllis and Uncle Andy.

Debbie, is about to be born in just a week or two if this is Easter Sunday.

NM got it together enough to make us all look well cared for though.  Here I actually have socks, a cute dress and a sweater.  Joey, too, looks very cute and well put together. It's all about what it looks like. My dad worked hard and brought home more than enough money to clothe his children. But, unless it was a case like this where NM would be measured next to others, we were left without socks and clean underwear ... no pajamas .. dirty bed sheets.. you name it.  Neglect.  That would be me, Debbie, and Joey.  Linda, on the other hand, the golden child, had everything a child ever needed, could ever want.

With the above description you would think our house was unkept, but, the main house, Linda's room, and my parent's room were immaculate.  I do mean immaculate.  And we were forced to slave over it, helping to keep it that way.

It was easy for the NM to neglect the rest of the children, and only close the doors to their rooms should company arrive.  This, too, was an unlikely occurrence since unless NM had use for them, people weren't really welcome in our home - nor made to feel so.

We all played along very well.  No one brought home friends or gave out our phone number.  I remember being a teenager and the phone rang for me once, being glared at by our dad actually.. seemingly that the phone was for me. I quickly hung up. Could be he was glaring about the NM - some drama she perpetrated that day or even the day before - always about the kids being rotten children, but I saw him glaring at me.

I did however earn favor in my later teen years by stepping in for the golden child who left the house to hitch hike across country with hippies. I was now the stand in GC working in NM's business, and doing her dirty work as every single morning began with "Good morning mom." Followed, instead by, "Make my bed."  Yeah, I always thought to myself...  nice... really nice way to answer such a greeting every single day.

Anyway, since during this time period I was the GC, I fell right into the role and so figured my friends might be welcome so I brought once in a great while my girlfriend Karol home. NM was nice to her. I mean civil. Not exactly overly nice. For the most part though I still didn't make this a habit. Karol and I spent more time at her house when I wasn't working for the NM.

My father was the typical co-dependent (emotionally only) as in he didn't notice or allow himself to see what was happening. When he wasn't working outside the home, he was remodeling her homes - doing every single thing she wanted from remodeling to actually building a whole new home.  In these early years we were in our first home, he was remodeling during the years spent there.

I don't know how that goes, exactly. How the codependency provides the glossing over of the truth of the most serious situations of one's life with his children, himself, and his wife, but, it certainly does. There eventually is some kind of substance abuse in order to keep up the glossing as the abuse gets worse, and to stand the pain of what's beneath the glossing while the years press on.

The years she kicked out our brother and signed our little sister over to the state for nothing were the worst for our dad. I saw him using big time to cope. He never once stood up to her, instead over endless all night discussions in their bedroom, he'd allow her to shape his own mind and thoughts as to why it was necessary to eliminate their own children. The cognitive dissonance and pain nearly killed him. If it wasn't for the alcohol he would probably not have lived.

Strange how I just wrote about living.  Actually, Dad wasn't living during is lifetime - he didn't begin to live until his last few weeks of life, when he realized it was all lies about his children the NM filled him with for 50 years. He lay there finally putting it all together in a state of shock as each and every one of the rotten good for nothing children came from all over the country to surround him in his darkest hours. He accepted this love because he knew love - and for once the NM couldn't take it away. Oh, she tried. Right up until his last breath as she screamed aloud that my brother was a liar.

This was of course as you all know when my brother finally turned NM in to authorities for withholding Dad's morphine. He and his wife were the ones not yet kicked out of the home, and allowed to be there - so they were the ones witnessing this torturing masked as NM's own brand of palliative care.

The couple of weeks before that, I'd flown down to say goodbye at the hospital, and NM tried to derail my intentions with dad also... but he did not believe her any longer at that point.  The week after I left for Pennsylvania again, NM basically kicked out my little sister, she was being turned away at the door - not to enter the home to be with dad.  This is operation as usual for the NM - we could have predicted this behavior to come after Dad was dismissed from the hospital and sent home to die.

It's a step by step process..  Here, the NM was grooming our brother for the new role of golden child since for some time NM had been suspicious of GC Linda who is also a covert narcissist.  Living in Florida near each other and seeing more and more of each other - they were in a war for power and control. One as desperate for it as the other. Seeing my brother and his wife relocate then from Ohio to Florida gave NM hope for a more malleable GC at that point in her life. The plan was in the works until he turned her in in the end.

The grooming of my brother is what kept him from turning her in sooner.  A normal person seeing their father suffering, calling for help for three weeks would have lost their mind. Most in three hours - but this lost child who only ever wanted his mother's love sees this grooming as love, and will do almost anything to keep it.  Almost.

I saw this in Joey when I saw him in Florida. He was looking mighty contented being groomed by the NM, and while I knew what was happening, a part of me was happy for him. To see him finally "feel" loved.  Only I knew it wasn't love. NM's have not love. He thought it was and that's what mattered.

Debbie and I tried to warn him that NM is dangerous and he would be hurt in the end, and I remember before his walking away from us for the last time there in that Spanish Oaks Trailer Park in Ocala Florida, the look on his face and with the same knitted brow of confusion that surely if you could see his little face up here in the photograph, you would know what I mean. Cognitive dissonance.

The glossing over. Joey was glossing over all NM's lies about me, Debbie, and Linda while being groomed for next in line. He also was drinking and smoking pot. This he'd been doing his entire life instead of sorting out the childhood trauma. But, then, it was good for numbing and the glossing over of all of the confusing triangulation discussions, manipulations, and control the NM was doling out along with the lunches at Terry's, and the late night shrimp cocktail snacks.

Even after turning the NM in and all of the abuse she perpetrated on Dad, Debbie, and I, Joey fell for NM's slithering back into his heart. Joey's sad sad co-dependent heart.  At first he told Debbie he never wanted to see NM again after burying Dad, and then NM came up with a winner.

She told Joey and Linda that she was the victim of elder abuse by my little sister and me. That we went to her home and accused her of killing our dad three weeks after his death. Of course he believed her and took her back. Now he was going to protect her from ever having to see us again.

NM was doing right then with our brother what she did with our dad their whole lives.

She would tell dad something totally outrageous like that about one or all of the kids, eventually, and he would believe her.  Always ending up with someone being kicked out by the NM and it having to be okay with dad. In this case it was fine with Joey, in fact he was wanting to take measures to go to any lengths to see that we would never be able to enter her home again. (No problem there - we were done and no contact anyway).

On that last meeting with Joey we told him it wasn't true but he was not listening - he was screaming at us.. until further on in the discussion he did listen some and became pensive, thoughtful.. confused. Sad. Finally weary.  We told him the truth - he experienced only pain and confusion.  Cognitive dissonance.

Co-dependents want to believe the NM's but they don't want to think the worst of their loved ones... all at the same time. This always adds up to experiencing cognitive dissonance, and you can see it all over their face until they use some kind of substance which gives them a break from the pain. The next day they begin again.  The NM reminds them of where they'd left off - how rotten so and so is...what all so and so did to her. And for no reason. Adding, "Oh, I thought tonight we'd go to Terry's for dinner. What do you think?"

Golden child invited also to join the grooming child and his wife, they pull into the parking lot of Terry's restaurant in Ocala. Inside, everyone sits there in the darkened booth. All experiencing a measure of cognitive dissonance, but the NM. But, hey, the appetizers are great and the beers keep coming.

An adventurous spirit is something with which I was born, and something tells me that there's much more to come.

I'd say my life's been daring so far.

I dared to strike out alone from the age of three when I took to the meadows with the farm dogs that summer, then at the age of eight I walked the nine blocks to the Robert Packer Hospital all by myself.

The hospital was an adventure because there was an elevator that had eight floors. You could ride the elevator to the maternity ward and press your nose on the glass windows while viewing the new babies.  Then, back to riding the elevator, pressing all of the buttons until finding the morgue.

I revisited that hospital on the same walks many times over those growing up years alone in a house full of people. Finally, at the age of eleven I got off the elevator at the morgue and walked through the creepy tunnel-like hall which had giant forced air ducts lining the way overhead. Everything was painted in that then hospital sea blue/green color. I knew any further down that green painted hall and I'd find the dead bodies so I turned back and bolted for the elevator.

In my teen years I was fascinated with horses, so a girlfriend and I rode our bikes until we found a horse farm about five miles away.  We made this place our own over the next few years, working there, taking lessons, showing, and eventually helping to train.  Venturing out.  That was my thing.

Then, I married a man from Egypt and was no longer alone on my adventures.  He took me countless times to Egypt and all over the country.  We built a family villa there with his sister, where we have one flat and she also has a flat above ours.  There are two other flats in the villa as well.

At the age of 39, in the year 1999, I went to university and got a bachelor's degree in Communications and the double major included Sociology, by 2003. This was not only adventurous but eye opening. I dare say the beginning of putting my real intellectual potential to work. It was the infancy of my spiritual awakening which brought me to my current awareness. Even though right after I graduated, I suffered a decade long set-back with illness, what I gained over those years was a full and necessary evolutionary preparation.

But the biggest of the adventures was giving birth to my first child in Egypt in 1986.  This was indeed a brave thing to do. It was a rich and life enhancing experience that I wouldn't change now even if I could.

An adventurous spirit is something with which I was born, and I hope to have a few more adventures before I leave this earth.  Something tells me that there's much more to come.

With this adventurous spirit, there have been many time's I've lost my footing, but as the sign up top says, it's okay. It's all a part of what makes me who I am.  Good and bad, difficult and easy, triumphs and setbacks - all were necessary experiences to be who and what I am today.  

Surrendering controlling behaviors surrounding a distorted prior understanding about love for myself and for my family of origin. In this surrender I clearly see that love cannot be taught or forced, and thereby controlled.

It occurs to me just now that in surrendering all, finally, what we really are doing is giving up control.

I can barely believe that for how much I despise controlling behavior, this may have been what I was doing when working so hard and loving so deeply to show my narcissistic mother "how to love unconditionally."

The lifetime of immeasurable offenses this woman has done to me and my father and siblings were for decades instantly either dismissed or forgiven, which I'm realizing now was a form of control.

I was trying to control myself from seeing reality, and working diligently to fix her offenses - forcing her to look unconditional love in the face.

For years I thought that loving the narcissist no matter her behavior was unconditional love, but in dismissing her behaviors and thereby dismissing my own self worth and well being, this love had a two-fold purpose.

You can do whatever you want to me and I'll still love you. I will force you to learn what love is, but this is not healthy. Being void of self love, it cannot be love. This is control, and as we know by now, control is based in fear.

I made myself FINALLY understand what LOVE is.  There is no such a thing as unconditional love because there is only LOVE. There are not different kinds of love.  Love with condition of any kind is not love. It's confusing because in forcing the NM to see what I thought was unconditional love, which she rejected, I still loved her. I thought this was unconditional love and it was.  But there is no such thing.  Love is love ... it has no condition and or uncondition.

So all those decades of exhausting work trying to show the family of origin loved ones how to love ends up a learning experience for myself.

This realization is worth every ounce of effort, and all it has cost my mind, body, and soul.

So what if no matter how I turned myself inside and out, into a pretzel, jumping through hoop after hoop for my family of origin, all to be accepted, validated, loved - it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter because in the very end, when there wasn't an iota of energy left to continue, I found that it wasn't all for nothing. It was for ME.

I surrender all, including the controlling behaviors surrounding a distorted prior understanding about love for myself and for my family of origin.  In this surrender I clearly see that love cannot be taught or forced, and thereby controlled.

Love just is. Love is love - there aren't conditions or unconditions - there is only love.

With my husband and children this has been a nobrainer. Love just always has been - LOVE.  Very easy.  No conditions, no eggshells, no pain what so ever where love is concerned. The question always was .. Why for goodness sake, couldn't it be so beautiful and natural with my family of origin?  Today, I have my answer.

We all have a choice.  When love presents, we can take it or leave it - They made their choice and I've made mine.  Period.

Wow.  I wanted acceptance, but here I find myself accepting their choices.

Surrender.

Atelphobia: Fear of not being good Enough

The only thing to fear might be not really living before actually dying

"The only thing we have to Fear is Fear itself" FDR

In a time when the entire country was in crisis, these words led the way out of peril.

"Yay though I walk through the valley of death, I Fear no Evil. For Thine art with me."

How many times have I recited this one... my goodness.  It works.

Awhoothooballah mina Shaitan Eragime.
"I take refuge in You Allah from the Devil and all his helpers."

This one I find myself reciting more often these days since I am vigilant about keeping negativity out of my inner circle.  That would include negative thoughts.. they have to go.  Also I am prepared to say only this when or if I ever hear from my golden child narcissistic sister again. I don't imagine ever hearing from the NM again (YAY) but if so, this is all that will be said in response to anything that comes out her mouth as I gently replace the phone receiver.

Fear becomes a choice.

I choose love over fear.  About the NM and the GC - I love them, but I don't have to ever speak to them again. The love for them doesn't grow. It is the same as in infancy - a kind of unconditional primal love. For my husband and children, I love them and I choose to keep them all in my life. My love for them never stops evolving and with joy upon joy.

"The Enemy is Fear. We think it is Hate but we are Wrong. It is Fear." Gandi.

True, Gandi. Fear is behind all greed and wars .... all addiction and hate. You have to have loved to hate, but fear is without love or hate. It is instead of. Once the GC narcissistic sister told me "I don't love Dad. I fear him" and that sums it up. Actually, she knows not love in any case - she has not love for herself or anyone.

Everything we Fear in life likely can be quieted with Understanding. When we know - really know and understand, we feel confident, secure - and it shows.  When we are confused, lied to or about, wrapped in negativity, we are fearful. This kind of fear causes anxiety and depression and people often turn to coping mechanisms in order to survive.

Sometimes Fear is not the enemy but it is a compass pointing to areas in our lives that need attention and understanding.

This is why we sit with the fear for a moment or two before working to escort it out of our lives. Is this fear or negativity in our lives to teach us something or perhaps to point us in a better direction?

Fear is a Liar

It is fear that tells us we cannot do something, or that we are less than, or that we are not good enough. Narcissists will tell you all of these things also and it is fear that drives their behavior.  Narcissists are the biggest liars I've ever seen.  And best ones I might add.

Do yourself a favor and cheat on your fears, break up with those doubts and connect with yourself and others. Runaway with your dreams!!

Love doesn't hurt... people who know not Love, hurt themselves and others.

The letting go even of certain people in our lives who we thought we could love into being loving, often is the most difficult pain to surrender. In the beginning stages of this surrender, we feel spent, but I promise you that this lethargy does improve eventually to the point of wellness!!

Everything we have experienced from birth until this very moment were necessary parts of our journey to wholeness.

Nudges to grow in particular ways often come in the form of painful life events, but it is essential we understand that it isn't as much the actual events as what it is we needed to learn that have meaning.

We get lost for a time in the pain that these events have caused when what we really want is to understand what all of this means and how we can get beyond the pain.

It is human nature to want to avoid the difficult part of any process, but in doing so we stay stuck in the grey areas of misunderstanding and suffering.

The difficulty for me might be different from what is difficult for you, but we all share the need to let go of whatever it is that holds us back from growing.

The key seems to be in the act of surrendering - the letting go of what we hoped would be, and what we worked so hard to make happen.

The letting go even of certain people in our lives who we thought we could love into being loving, often is the most difficult pain to surrender. In the beginning stages of this surrender, we feel spent, but I promise you that this lethargy does improve eventually to the point of wellness!!

Give yourself the gift of self love and patience. Allow yourself time to heal... time to understand.... time to be with all you have ever known that is good, kind, and loving.

Protect your Heart Love yourself and be with People who Love and Care for You

Stopped obsessing in thought and behavior.

Lost desire for addictive crutches to cope with hopelessness, not knowing, and the confusion of puzzling persons that were in my life.

Each new realization about this shift in my own behavior rests contentedly on the ledge of the last leg of my journey.

I almost lost my life in all of this seven years ago, so if I can get this far in recovery, anyone can!!

It was all so impossible for a very long time that finally I gave up. There wasn't a single soul on this earth that understood that it was the NM pitting siblings against each other and pitting all of us against our father - and he against us.

Only he and I both believed her AND forgave each other over and over and over, keeping our relationship over all the years he was still alive. This was the biggest thorn in NM's side, our love for each other no matter the lies she manufactured.

UNTIL the last year of Dad's life.  Then, NM accomplished her goal in kicking me out and getting Dad to actually either believe her version or he was too weak to dispute. For once he didn't stand up for me after I left, neither in thought nor deed.

When I think, five years ago this month I was just a week out of the hospital with bi lateral pulmonary emboli, and the phone next to my bed rang.  It was my little sister calling to tell me our dad was dying and asking for me despite NM's objections.

Without a second thought I said I'd be on the next flight to Florida.  I hadn't been out of bed for over a year, but I got up and shuffled to the shower where I stood under the water, barely able to wash my hair. I told myself I could do this, and if it were him, he would do anything for me.  I went downstairs and told Khaled, and he called the airline. I was on the next flight.

They issued me a wheelchair because I couldn't walk any distance.  I had a layover that lasted an unbelievable ten hours in that wheelchair, and when it was time to board the pilot had me get on first.  I think it was with other layovers, a total of 24 hours by the time I arrived in Florida, being pushed to my waiting sister by an attendant.  She was appalled by my condition.

The four years prior were spent mostly in bed, but that last year I was in bed 24/7... I had minor bedsores, missing molars, long unkept hair, and had gained two hundred pounds in the last 5 years.

My sister was alone although everybody but the NM knew for sure I was arriving.  My little sister was kind to me, and didn't let on her astonishment about my condition. She said it was alright and after seeing Dad I would begin to get better.  She knew the NM threw me out of the family again the year prior and that after that I gave up on my last hope of ever being good enough, ever walking on enough eggshells to belong. I was finished with NM's controlling behaviors but at the same time I was finished.  Period. It was a lifetime of absolute hell with this family, and now my dad who was so precious was going to die.

But, that was then and this was "now."  Debbie pushed me to the car and loaded my bag.  At her house we settled in and talked about the last kick out, and what's happening now with Dad.  He was preparing to leave the hospital to go home to die.

It had been an awful whole last year as his illness progressed.  NM was worse with the more attention he got. She expected the golden child/narcissistic daughter to care for his personal needs while NM watched in approval, and then she demanded the same GC care for her imagined illnesses.  If they weren't showing enough she'd force herself and her body to show swelling in her legs and other
visible faux ailments.  Linda went from Dad to Mom and from Mom to Dad with the doting. NM approved with a fixed pathetic expression.

At this time, my little sister wasn't aware of the truth about the all of the kick outs the NM did to me, or really anything else that occurred.  She only knew the lies and twisted versions NM told over and over, but still she was curious to hear whatever came up in conversation that first night.

She'd made us dinner, and I couldn't eat. I picked at the food with pain in my back and in my intestines, but she ate and we talked there at the table in her Florida home.  This was a time when she had left a big job in NY to move to Florida and be there for our parents, so she had much to tell about her new life and what they'd all been through. She had some touching stories about getting to know dad for the first time in her life in a sweet way - all the while he was getting sicker. She'd cooked for them very much and delivered the meals to NM's and Dad's house, where while they'd eat, NM would lie about me and the GC, btw, at that time. Dad wouldn't say anything. Finally my little sister told her it wasn't nice to trash me while I wasn't there to defend myself, and Dad right away agreed.  I liked hearing that part.

I think it was for them like it was for me with the NM. You just listened to her trash lies and you both believed her and couldn't believe such things all at the same time.  NM doesn't let up until you agree or change the subject in a clever way to validate her in some way.

Anyway, we moved from the dining room to the living room and my little sister told me that NM still didn't know I was there, but that Joey and Linda did - still they didn't show up to welcome me - and even after knowing how sick I had been.  Nothing.  OH.  I forgot.  I was five days in withdrawl from mood stabilizers and Klonapin, which were also largely responsible for the years in bed.  Just five days before the phone call from Florida, my son convinced me to stop these medications cold turkey. It was that or face certain death.  It really was.

So I was seeing flies that weren't there, feeling queezy, and I had insomnia. My head was banging in pain, and behind my eyes was a constant snap/pow!! Turns out the mood stabilizer affects the optic nerves and when taken away the nerves are suddenly no longer numb.

I didn't eat or sleep the whole three days I was in Florida.  But this first night, I found myself after my little sister went to bed, crying all night long. I mean both my brother who I hadn't seen for 25 years and my sister the GC Linda were right there and never called or came to see me.  I knew neither of them had anything against me so NM was behind it. Whatever she'd been telling them since my brother's arrival in Florida and her years with the GC had to be weighing against them coming to see me.

I wonder if Dad knew that I was thinking maybe he and I would die the same year as I lay in that bed in Pennsylvania.  I wonder if that's why he called for me.  I wondered what he wanted to tell me.  I couldn't sleep. And I didn't sleep.

All of the sudden the sun started coming up and I sat there a couple of hours more ... thinking. Then my little sister got up and made coffee and we took back up with the conversation where we left it off the night before. The morning passed to noon and nobody called.

Turned out they were all shunning me. At the hospital, we were in a waiting room while dad got a bed change, and NM called on my little sister's phone. She heard my voice. The jig was up. She insisted on speaking to me and planing to see me. Only I had no intentions of ever going to her house again.  She could see me at the hospital she said because she was coming later anyway.  Gawd.  My face fell.  The room filled with toxic energy seeping from the phone. We felt sick.

BUT. True to form the NM put on a mask for Joey and his wife and the GC. She pretended to be welcoming of me. They had permission, then, to see me. By the third day and evening they both came to my little sister's house to see me. GC stopped in for a moment and left, and Joey stayed late, wanting to catch up and talk.

The next day I was leaving and my brother's wife brought me a lunch she'd made at NM's.  So that's how it goes.  While you don't know how the NM really feels you ignore family members - even very ill ones you've not seen in decades. When you get the vibe that it might be okay, then you include them... (some).

All this but the NM was not welcoming at all.  She only played the part of a mother for a moment in front of GC and my brother on hearing I was there. The night before she lay her head over my father's chest, crying the entire night. (It was because she didn't get her way and I was getting to see my dad before his death, even after her kicking me out).  Dad told my little sister that he asked NM why she was crying so uncontrollably, and she said because she'd been talking to Joey (my brother). Dad told my little sister that this just didn't make any sense.  Yet another confusing NM lie.  She didn't have enough time to plan a bait and switch lie about me because I'd sprung up on her.  NM needs time to plan her best most evil manipulations and lies.  So she was like a child that was told no.  Of course she couldn't tell Dad the truth.

I've told you all before about the healing I received by the precious visit I did get with my dad that second afternoon all alone.  He was a really special person, and the best dad he could possibly be under the circumstances. Had he ever been able to leave her he would have been even more wonderful, but being the kind of decent man he was, when she begged him to stay using religion, he did.

Although he was co-dependent in a special way until the last three weeks of his life, Dad still managed to love his children. He somehow managed as I did to have a relationship with the NM and with us no matter the lies, triangulation, and manipulations. To do this requires a giant heart for constant forgiveness, and too, a kind of attitude that no matter what the NM said that so and so said about you - you accept it and kind of agree it could be right. You end up forgiving yourself and forgiving others all for something that was never said - never happened.

So if I can be bedridden with a black depression, in hospital with bi lateral pulmonary emboli, in intensive care, unresponsive another time for days, gain two hundred pounds on mood stabilizers, and still find my way to where I am right now - ALL of you guys can too.

I have since studied at least 8 hours a day 7 days a week for five years about psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths... also, borderlines. I have learned about all of the parts of the brain and body and their functions - and also how nutrition actually feeds the cells of our bodies to perform best.

I have been writing for about five years almost everyday, and spent most of those days deciphering the puzzle of my family of origin - myself - all of my siblings - the NM and our dad.  Also I've studied our ancestry and personality disorders that have affected all of us.

I have taken a candid look at my own thoughts, perceptions, beliefs, ideas, and attitudes - and I have adjusted them all.

First order of business: Rid myself of NM and all toxic relationships.  Set boundaries. Take exceptional care of myself - learned to truly love myself and my inner child for the first time - and I have gained self respect.  These are all the changes made in my life that have brought me to this healing.

Along the way, I lost 90 pounds of that two hundred I'd gained in bed, without even trying.  I have discovered that other things have also fallen away.  All vises no longer appeal to me.  I have no need or desire for a crutch of any kind to get me though the day or to relieve the anxiety that made me want to jump out of my own skin.

Anxiety was my biggest problem. It was the cause of all of my physical illnesses, all of which I am working to eliminate now. I say "was" because I no longer suffer from anxiety.

I never EVER thought I would be able to say that I no longer have free floating anxiety.

My current medications are Lotronex for IBS, Cymbalta for depression, and Adderall for ADHD. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist for now, and I think I soon will be finished with the therapy.

I would have loved to have learned to live this way decades ago but I am living now anyway in peace and contentment. I enjoy my husband and children without being preoccupied with the underlying anxiety which consisted of all the unanswered questions about why no matter what I did for them or sacrificed of myself, my family of origin frankly was never going to love me.  It was a puzzle I couldn't stop working on until the last piece was in it's place.

I finished that puzzle with the reality of my own disillusionment about this family of origin.

There was no mother. There was a thing with a mask that enjoyed using the objects in her life that happened to be our dad, me, and my siblings. NM has no capacity to love and zero empathy. Period. Some of the siblings' idea of love is also more a conditional than real love.

About myself, I also had love distorted.  I loved too much .. I feared too much...  I gave too much. But, I didn't love myself, and I rarely gave to myself. I didn't take care of myself, but I took good care of my little children. Everyone came before me, and in the end, that, and my reaction to the NM's evil deeds, took me down.

I know if you fear, you don't love, so I don't know how I loved so much, yet feared as much, but I remember doing so. Maybe the kind of love I gave so freely while I was in so much fear, wasn't the same kind of love I have now for myself and for my husband and children.

I set myself free and you can too. I no longer have fear and anxiety. Yours will leave you also. I am kind to myself. I speak kindly of, and, to myself and others. I set boundaries with myself and others. And best of all, I know how to avoid having toxic people in my inner circle. I am confident in my feelings.

Trust your gut.

One other thing. We as empaths and adult children of narcissistic parents tend to attract and be attracted to narcissists. This is because our brains do a dance with theirs right off the bat and it's familiar. It's what we knew since birth, mirroring the NM.  It is possible to be cognizant of this, though, when relating in the future. Now that we are aware, everything we do will be with confidence. No second guessing, either, about those with whom we relate.

Now, we know who we are, and likely what kinds of people with whom we relate. These are all people with whom we never have to walk on eggshells, we never have to be dishonest, and we never have to allow them to be controlling.

Of all of the behaviors of the narcs, the one I despise the most is the controlling behaviors.  I hate control. I hate the tone of voice control commands, I hate the manipulations control uses, and I hate both the covert and the overt means of control.

If someone calls you 6 times everyday to say they love you, that's control. If a person micro manages you in their home, that's control. If a person devalues you it's control. If they ignore you with the silent treatment, that's control.

Now that I am healing and so much better, I can feel control and all it's counterparts from a mile away. I recoil in disgust and disengage immediately. I am not interested or concerned in the least with the person who is controlling. And I do not suffer anxiety in dealing with eliminating the controlling person or the possibility of having a controlling person in my life.

It feels good to be able to love, respect, and take good care of myself. If a narc wants to get to my inner child, now they will have to come through me first and that's just not happening.

We don't need others to help us navigate in life any longer.  I know for years I depended on Khaled's healthy attitudes and likable personality to get me by in so many situations. Now, I depend on myself.

Getting to this point requires work.  The work is in the growing. Becoming emotionally aware of ourselves and others - the reality of what is.  Learning to listen is key in healthy relating. When I hear what Khaled is saying....  NOT what I imagine he's thinking, relating is a pleasure because I hear more of what he actually says.

I learned to stop reading minds and expecting others to read my mind.  A habit learned in the FOO.

So it's no expectations. Emotional awareness. Being reasonable. Listening to understand.

Therapy and Healing: When is it enough, and how can we know the process is finished

Could it actually be that this healing is in the final stages?

I mean I don't know what to do anymore with my psychologist who just puts the discussion in my court beginning with how the week went.

I feel as though I have learned what I needed to know in order to go forward with the balance of my life in a healthy way.

It's like painting an oil painting.. it often isn't clear when the painting is finished.  Am I finished?

There are some things I would like to uncover still from childhood and in my early adult life but I don't know if this psychologist is the person to go into this with.  Perhaps I will give it a try and see how she responds.  So far when I try to uncover anything such as this, she interrupts me and tells a story that might illustrate what it is I'm trying to say.

This therapy has been a closing to the adult years of step by step emotional growth which I think makes the psychologist wonder if going into the childhood years is even necessary.

But childhood years I believe are important years in which to look especially since it is there that all of my adult illnesses are rooted.

We all need a non-stressed emotionally available care giver as children, but according to Dr. Gabor Mat'e this is a huge problem in the United States and other Western Societies.  It becomes a problem whether in an intentionally abusive family or a "normal" family because the parents are stressed with the non supporting culture of the parenting task as it no longer offers the "village" for the raising of the children.

So now not only do we deal with our own dysfunctional childhoods and caring for the inner child in our forties and fifties, but we deal with the knowledge that our own children whose early years were spent with loving, yet stressed mothers must also be in need of this work to a degree. Like the NM's, we were emotionally unavailable to a degree enough to continue the trauma, but unlike the NM's it wasn't our intention to hurt the children.

Children compensate with coping mechanisms such as ADHD and others as far reaching as DID or disassociating. I, for instance am treated for lifelong depression and ADHD, my son has ADHD, another son coped with taking control - setting boundaries... being stubborn and lazy from an early age.  My daughter took control also by being extra responsible and very early on having the capabilities that even I lacked in organization of thought and tasks that were on the family agenda.  Later, this was resented to a degree and came out in anger... unwillingness to be helpful.... a kind of self-centeredness- which I assumed was needed for her to grow.  All of these things were and some could remain as coping mechanisms in response to their mother's stress and anxieties while raising them.

The operative word here is intention.  My children know it was never my intention for them to suffer in any way.  In fact as with most mothers, in their tender years, much time was spent doing all I could to make their lives wonderful and hopefully tension-free...   All while I was still always stressed with that underling free floating anxiety, anxiety that I didn't learn to get a hold on and then get rid of until the age of 50.

Something wonderful has happened for me and even though it has taken my whole life to accomplish, it has happened.  I have figured out the puzzle of my life beginning with my birth, the child abuse and neglect, the schooling, the marriages, the life in Egypt, my children, my family in Egypt, my wonderful husband who has stood by me, and until now in therapy. I have become well. Tension free. Anxiety free. I thought this was impossible. But it IS possible!!

Funny thing is I did most of this work without formal therapy.  The therapy was introduced right at the point of finishing the process in the healing from the affects of being the daughter of a narcissistic/sociopath mother. I used writing and research...   8 hours a day for five years.

For me, if I know why what has happened in my life; I can put it to rest.  If I know why I feel a certain way, I can feel it and let it go.  If I know myself I know why others react in whatever ways they do to my actions or my words.  If I am sure of myself ... that is because I have conquered fear. Now, whatever a person says or does concerning me, while I listen and watch to understand, I no longer take it on in a personal way. I hear them, and either validate the ideas or listen, only, as a way to respect them enough to allow an opinion.

I think we are never finished healing and growing. We can never just stop painting and hang the portrait on the wall. As we continue to live and to grow, there will always be new things to add to our now colorful lives, 

You are an empath. I would know you from a mile away. I love you like a brother/sister, and in this moment I wrap my arms around you and offer you Hope, Peace, Contentment.

I'm usually referring to being the daughter of a narcissistic 'mother,' however, today I'd like to shed hope for the people out there dealing with a narcissistic spouse or ex-spouse.

It's much the same deal, only if you weren't raised by a NM then it's that much more confusing and difficult to decipher the puzzle.

If you are the adult child of "normal" parents and happen to find yourself married to a narcissist, you are likely going to suffer until either you leave or the spouse leaves you.

The only way the spouse will be the one to leave you, is if you being the person of a normal family upbringing, set healthy personal boundaries and enforce them.  A narcissist will never stand for boundaries being placed of any kind.

In the beginning and for a while this will feel worse than when living with the narc, playing by the narcs rules, but I promise you it can soon become the best thing that ever happened to you besides the births of your children.

Narcs have a way though to get to us through any means they know of that will destroy us the most. If you are an empath, the best way would be your heart.  Your children... your self worth, .. your work.... your dreams...  and then after sometime you begin to blame yourself for what looks in the short term as the destruction of your life.

Just like with going no contact from an NM, going NC from a spouse brings on a million self doubting questions.  Why didn't I see this and why didn't I do that and how could I have believed this or that.. and the worst one... What is he/she saying about me now and to who??  You just cannot imagine what the narc is manufacturing next.  This is frustrating and stressful. The exhaustion and the anger are a combination for depression.

Know that there are dozens of folks who know who you are and love you.  Remember that you deserve to be loved and respected, and that when you recover from this setback/gift you will attract such a person.

You are the priority now and forever, followed by your children and parents, then siblings.  It is sometimes a learning process for empaths to really get this part of the recovery but it is essential that we do.

To avoid depression during this time extreme self love and care is essential.  Also, having someone to confide in like a good friend who understands what you are going through, or a therapist really is important in order to keep the momentum on healing.  Healing with a gentle guidance/nudge and encouragement feels good even as the ex is plotting your demise.  Validation and in so many cases, vindication, are great parts of therapy.

If you are becoming depressed there are only so many things you can do right now.  But that you have come this far you are still 'connected.'  This means you can reach out further to a therapist or even ask a family doctor to point you in the direction needed to start.

I wish instead of that black depression I went through, that I'd reached out for better help than taking meds and sleeping years of my life away.  I like the idea of electroshock therapy which I understand can be really useful with anesthesia. Maybe a combination of light medications and ECT just to start. A kick start as it were.

It's so much easier when the redcurrant thoughts of whys and if onlys are silenced, and replaced with either detailed answers and or "I. Don't. Cares."  When dealing with a narcissist, or better yet, dealing with the breakup with one, getting to the point of literally not caring is the most liberating thing ever.

Anger. Millions of justifications there are for this, but it doesn't matter. The only thing it gets us in the very end is the precursor for depression.  And depression robs us of time with our children and other loved ones... sometimes years......sometimes our lives.  Don't get me wrong you wouldn't be normal if you weren't angry at this point.  Only, we have to learn that this is destructive, and to look at it - feel it - know it - understand it...... And Let It Go.  Give yourself that gift.

If you are that fortunate person who has living "normal" parents, make it a goal to enjoy time with them again like before the narc came into your life.  You and your children will begin a new way of relating and enjoying each other also.  Life will become life again. For a moment, give yourself the love that you recall from early childhood - that unconditional, wonderful, warm, peaceful love that you remember in your mother's arms and on your father's knee.  We are never too old to allow ourselves to revisit these memories, feelings, .. Gifts.

You are an empath. I would know you from a mile away. I love you like a brother/sister, and in this moment I wrap my arms around you and offer you Hope, Peace, Contentment.

Swallowing the Assertion Narcissists are Mentally ill

by friend, Desi

This week therapy with my psychologist, Dr. Christine Terry, went really well.

I was able to speak a little about the NM and give a couple of NM examples, and I'll tell ya, the validation felt really good.

Dr. Terry was so serious, "Your mother is just really mean. My god, she's an extremely sick woman." The look on her face was priceless.  And I barely scratched the surface about monstermom, the NM. I doubt I even have to mention her in much more detail.
I'm moving on pretty well, but I can't remember why I did mention her on Tuesday - Anyway it was kind of funny, her reaction.  It's a given that she's mean lol.. but yeah that she's so mentally ill, I never for some reason, labeled her as such. Dr. Terry as much as said,  "YOU'RE not crazy, SHE is."  For real.

Huh. I guess the narcissists are the crazy ones even though it's their targets who require the therapy.

It is true that I am awake at 53 years old. Having learned from both mistakes and surrender, and it is true there is much more to learn. Still, instead of regrets for not finding this way earlier in life, and for not being able to be the wife and mother before that I am today, I am grateful for the now and the peace that is the shored-up foundation for Me.

It was evident to myself, even as a child, that I was lovable and had value, however briefly it was mirrored.

Somehow all of my life, even in the early years, I have loved myself.  I did find a way to see clearly then the truth of who I was deep inside.

Only, until the last few years, I haven't given to myself like I have given to others - nor had I taken care of myself. Now, though, I am doing just that, finding it's never too late.

Truth, as much as I have turned my back on it, has always been of the utmost importance. I shudder to admit that often truth for me is compromised by fear - and that is something I am working on now. The more I kick fear to the curb and bravely wear my truth, the more I find myself walking the talk.

When others see my vulnerability, they are seeing me as I see myself.  And authenticity is a state far beyond fear. This is a place where walking on eggshells just doesn't happen, where telling white lies isn't necessary, and where others opinions good or bad have no personal effect on how I feel about myself.

Walking away from toxicity is simple ... it's as if one is escorted right out and away from it - and if I cannot be myself in any situation or place, it is imperative I don't remain, and more so that I never return.

Being an empath, the awareness of my own feelings is key in managing the energy from people, places, and media. The ways in which I manage this are varied from meditation, prayer, essential oils, to writing. Home spa days... nature walks... and time with my English Angora rabbit and my parrot.

Awareness for me right now has me in therapy working to become better emotionally. I'm working on eliminating that fear and dishonesty that still creeps back when I least expect.

For the most part though at this point in recovery, I find it easy to walk away from oppression and toxicity. I absolutely refuse to walk on eggshells for anyone ever again, and being myself is the only person I ever want to be.

It is true that I am awake at 53 years old. Having learned from both mistakes and surrender, and it is true there is much more to learn. Still, instead of regrets for not finding this way earlier in life, and for not being able to be the wife and mother before that I am today, I am grateful for the now and for that peace which is my shored-up foundation.

Today I am my healing, better self ...  Taking one breath at a time, learning moment to moment, appreciating day after day, realizing that four weeks are one month and twelve months are one year of the decades of this wonderful life.