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The desperate energy that fills the air during such an exchange is the kind of negativity from which every living being wants to run.
And the only thing that triggers that desperate feeling for me is fear.
We are caught up in so many illusions during our lifetime that the disillusioning experiences to come are near endless. Yet each time we are faced with reality and an opportunity to decipher all that built up the illusion/s that going forward it's all about how we can be cognizant of reality.
The begging I've done in my life all stems from fear and not being good enough - Not being loved - Not being heard - Being dismissed and taken for granted. Kindness taken for stupidity.
In Egypt the months spent sitting on a rock hard bed without to move or go anywhere left me hot and sick and desperate to GET OUT. Once I literally begged Khaled my then husband to get me a hotel room in town (Cairo) just so I could get a clean bath and cool off in the air conditioning.
I was on medication at the time which was potentially fatal if taken under the conditions of high temperatures. Which makes sense now that I know this... At the time I didn't know it, but I sure felt it.
Nothing doing. I was literally desperate and crying. I was so ill and so in need that my cries were lengthy and weakening.
All this man could say was that it would be an insult to his mother and family should I leave his mother's home for a hotel.
He wasn't even considering how ill I was - how badly I was suffering. There were more health reasons than the most urgent about which I wanted to get into a cool clean place. And when we returned home from Egypt one of them had brewed inside of me to the point of needing acute medical attention. I was 6 weeks healing from it.
This experience left me disillusioned yet I was too week to do anything about the situation of living with a man who treats me this way. Still, my time was coming.
I was actually begging this man, Khaled, in Egypt to help me and get me out of that situation.
This wasn't just an American being uncomfortable away from home (I could and had done that fine for years). I was clearly ill and in need, but ultimately left for dead.
Earlier in my first marriage I remember begging my husband once to at least pretend to love me. It was clear he didn't love me.
The first husband loved alcohol and the second loved money and power. Neither loved me.
Yet those are who I drew to me, and that's what I settled for each time. I could fix it. I had enough love for both of us and later with children in the second marriage - for all of us.
It doesn't work that way. It just doesn't work. And how many years are you going to twist yourself into different pretzels and shapes, pleasing everyone, cleaning up everything before you decide to LOVE YOURSELF.
That's what I've finally learned to do. And I don't mind reminding others who might be temporarily disappointed that I have chosen myself and that's what's most important. They either come around eventually with a tone of respect OR they can go on their merry way. (Which btw hasn't happened to me yet other than with Khaled). So far it's been just fine.
Interesting huh?
I think it's possible that neither husband knew or knows what love truly is. There are many of us like that in this world.
Being raised in a Cluster B run household, my brain wasn't setup for true/healthy love either, other than recognizing the love my father had for me and my siblings and for animals. Still, that was tainted and distorted by the works of my narcissistic mother which left me in a state of cognitive dissonance whenever pondering the love I had for my dad and he for me.
I and all my siblings were shoved off into this world without a single tool for emotional survival and growth going forward.
How did I expect to attract love in my life? I figured I was a good and kind person and I would attract the same, but there is more to a person than goodness and kindness. And often times being good and kind attracts others who are looking to exploit such attributes for personal gain or gratification.
I was fooled by religion both times. The first was the Christian religion drawn to by the love psalms and the second was Islam.
Either book read on it's own isn't without question, and both are quasi okay, but let them be allowed to be immersed in the dogma or man made rules and regulations of such, and all the goodness and words of the prophets can and will be destroyed.
When I heard my Muslim husband say "I don't care what the Quran says, I am doing this my way". I was finally convinced that even Islam doesn't mean anything to this man of many masks. All the fasting .. all the prayers ... all the ritual washing and ritual chantings were for show.
It is the CULTURE in which all religions are encased that rules the person pretending to be a good spiritual follower of the great prophets of all time. Often people who are personally
MONEY. POWER.
In the case of my second husband it was MONEY. Money and Power. The power money afforded him.
It was all about how it looked to members of the Islamic community and or his family members practicing radical Islam.
And the family in Egypt, less a few out of 12 siblings, all follow suit - It's all about how it looks to others. If it means treat your loved ones like crap in order to afford to make it look like you are wealthier and or better than you are to the greater community - It is fine to throw anyone including wives and children right under the bus. As long as it isn't you who are seen as the less than desirable Muslim/Citizen.
Anything a Muslim like my ex husband Khaled does or says can and will be DENIED should it seem offensive to himself or his family of origin, and or the community at large.
