Introduction video : My Youtube Channel

So I finally opened a channel on Youtube and joined the Adult Child of Narcissistic families community.  Here's my first video.

Well I didn't edit or do the video over... this is the only attempt so lots of goof ups, but the authenticity is what comes through.

Anyway glad to finally be here and getting ready to share my story with the youtube community.  Thanks for the supportive youtubers who have helped me and others immeasurably  .  

Oh Lord Please Dont let me be Misunderstood

A truer statement was never said than that of the one here.

I spent the first five decades of my life exhausting my own energy trying to make myself understood.

Trying to prove myself, I would justify my intent and actions. And so often before going no contact with my family of origin I found myself trying to repair bonds with loved ones.  These bonds were weakened and broken over and over by way of the slow drip of innuendo by the narcissist in control.  In any case, it was the NM. The Narcissistic Monster... I mean narcissistic mother.

And for what?

The only person I really need to understand is me.  The only person I need to prove things to is me.  The person I respect most is me, and ultimately the one I love and do understand most is myself, and so it is myself that really matters in the scheme of things.

When my dad was alive, he was the one I most loved in the FOO, and the one I knew not without doubt though, loved me regardless of the lies my jealous NM invented between us.  It was all I could do to make myself available to him at anytime and in anyway no matter the up to 1500 mile difference between us - and no matter the constant whispering in his ear whether by way of suggestion or her out right lies.  (and btw thinking of him and caring for him was most of what I did do.  My family suffered for it.  My kids and husband could have had better lives had I  been more present for them).

I couldn't read his mind to know what she made up next nor could I or would I imagine, but I could supply him with his needs (his wardrobe over the course of every year) and other things  every chance I got to make the trip. For sure birthdays, holidays, and usually anniversaries, as well as other visits when he was still in NY state.  In Florida though I still managed and with a full and happy heart.

I did all I could do for him and NM also since he had virtually no autonomy.

There is no doubt that all during the years of NM's emotional abuse and lies I was a dutiful and loving daughter.  Even so along the way, the decades were marked with kickouts for placing boundaries.  She'd kick me out of the family and he'd eventually insist she get in touch and ask me back.  All the siblings heard from me the the exact story for why I was no contact during kickouts, but her story was evidently totally different.  Someone had to be either crazy or lying or both.

Jealousy is an awful, horrible, and childish thing.

I have my own problems but jealousy was never one of them.  I could never understand jealousy.  My dad was the same way his whole life.  Always happy for others' successes and happiness.  It's so simple.  To be happy for others is a very simple thing.  I can't be bothered with the difficulty and negativity that jealousy entails.

Turns out the reason for the NM's lies about me was her jealousy of my relationship with and love for, my dad.  Had I NOT been such the dutiful daughter I would have suffered under her lies and control way less, ironically.  Still, though, she would have then complained to relatives that I was a neglectful daughter.  You cannot win with narcissists.  Nothing is enough, nothing is good enough, and nothing you do for them will accomplish getting a mother, being loved, or even just not be spoken badly of.

So now yeah I live my life.  I understand myself and I don't feel prompted to make or want others to understand me or my actions.. or even my reasoning.  I don't have to justify anything I say or do to anyone but myself.  If it is okay by me, it must be right.  If it doesn't feel right, then it's not okay by me and I need to do some work.  And that's that.

Again simple.

Simple is the way to go.

Goes well with my marriage also...  Happily married 31 years as of last week!!  Well, over those thirty years, most of them were happy.  Better now than ever I'd say and that's something.

I still have work to do and that's okay -  Likely always will -  The thing is it gets easier and just keeps getting better all the time.

Borderline Condensed Version to the Discard

I still find borderlines fascinating people with the most interesting minds.  More and more of them are getting the help they need to understand themselves and find growth and recovery.

Maybe when I figure out what it is about me that fascinates me about them I will come to some epiphany about myself ... who knows.

But in the meantime I'd like to discuss this latest one up to the discard and how different all that was for me in recovery.

I found this 28 year old girl on youtube who sat in her bedroom and just talked.  She was interesting because she was so intelligent.

She was funny, could be very cute, mean, kind, authentic, just real.  But hen she would come on and say "Everything I told you was a  lie."

She'd do things like offer a taro card reading in a contest and invite you to go on her site and sign up for it, then the next day after you did, she'd say in a video that people are just looking for a handout.

She started asking for money.  I told her I didn't send money online to anyone.  But then when she said she was interested in Egypt, I told her that since being on her site she had my email and if she wanted she could send me her address and I'd send her some things I'd acquired from Egypt.  I thought that would be fun since she's alone there in her room and she seemed appreciative of things others gave her as much as a decade ago.  I thought it would brighten her day and bring a smile.

Her vlog was all about her healing journey and I was observing her progress.  She was diagnosed with BPD and DID but without medicine or therapy at the time.  I thought her diligence was amazing.. her tenacity and desire so deeply to discover why she had these problems and how to grow past them was inspiring.  I was rooting for her.

I watched her videos everyday for a couple of months and my likes and shares brought that channel alive, she said.  I was commenting often ... daily sometimes, and she often said that that was good but she's doing this channel for herself, not others.  I understood all of that.  I was rooting for her.  She would once in a while answer my comments.  Very black and white, though, as in either a "thank you"  or a grandiose rant.

She did hour long videos one, two, three times everyday.  I started watching less of them as the weather outside began to improve as one has other things to do besides watch videos most the of the day.  Not that there has to be accountability for such a choice but that's actually how it was.

I settled into watching her instead of everyday, every other day or so and commenting sparsely.  She answered a comment with "You haven't been on lately.  Miss that."

She was attention seeking which didn't go well with her "authenticity" that I enjoyed so much.   The attention seeking was a turn off to me.  I clicked off those videos and saw her less.  

I told her in the beginning that I liked her for the reasons above here.  She made me laugh and I was rooting for her and I added "And look.. you didn't drive me away yet." The tone was with a wink.

So I went into this with eyes wide open.  Knowing that day might come, and not to allow her access deep enough to affect me personally.

She started ranting about not liking people who are bashing narcissists.  She started saying she was a narcissist and narcissists are people too and need more understanding.  I told her she's no narcissist as far as I was concerned.  She said something about how damaging they can be and I told her "I don't take those assholes seriously anymore."

What a shame that most (not all) borderlines are so interesting and intelligent and sensitive but that they destroy themselves to the point of not being able to be productive in the world and even with themselves.  I was really hoping there might be the exception with this girl as I have seen in one or two others.

I told her a couple of times about AJ Mahari who is so helpful with borderlines and she is online.  I told her that her videos even without to pay would be a really good resource.  All of my suggestions were ignored.

She was so grandiose and controlling that even the thought that an outside influence might be helpful painfully escaped her.

This girl was determined to fix herself though, and that is kind of what was so interesting and amazing.

Her determination to discover herself took her deep into areas that were revealing, embarrassing, incredibly deep and disturbing... but still she would hang onto those borderline traits in order to derail the effort.

These times were dotted with distractions like pretending to be someone she wasn't.  By fake crying and attention seeking .. play acting for the camera.  Then bringing in other personalities..  Then talking about energies in her room distracting her, affecting her progress.  Then she started cursing the energies and fighting with invisible entities on either side of her.  Most of that was clearly for the cameras.  It was then that I started watching her videos less.

I figured I saw her progress to a great point, but that she was determined to derail any further value.

She started explaining that she was fearful of not having money for food.  She worried that her foodstamps either had stopped or were going to stop.  She lived with her dad who totally took care of all of her overhead expenses, and he would deliver to her room from time to time coca cola or other things so I didn't take that plea very seriously.

Although, she still kept mentioning the money thing and she did a video pleading for someone to just send her some money.  This,she said, she thought would really help her with this fear problem.

I didn't' comment and rarely watched after that.

But, I would click her on to see how she was doing, not watch the whole video or comment.

THEN:

I saw a title "CLOSING DOWN CHANNEL" .. where she did a video saying she didn't think what she had to say had value and that people didn't want to hear what she had to say.

Actually she was right and she was wrong.  The times she was authentic, her voice was so valuable.  But those other times when she was attention seeking and diverting the viewer, not so much.

I popped on a last time and told her she was very valuable as a person, and a voice.  I, for one, thought she had value. No comment... not a problem as she often didn't respond.  Like anything in life for me, I don't comment to get a response.  I guess you could say my participation is unconditional .. hehe.

She chose a different video with which  to respond, however, for the discard.

She found a video from way back where I had commented that for her to remember while she is "helping others"  as she went through the stages of her healing, I was available if she needed help.  I was talking about counsel, NOT money lol.

She then,passive aggressively replied on that video:  "Kathleen, I would appreciate it if you did not comment on any of my videos anymore, and further, do not watch any of my videos or channels or contact me ever again."

Classic.

Early on, she did email me her address and I did send her a package with items from Egypt I though she would like and a butterfly ring to symbolize her flight to wellness and change.  She thanked me.. that she got the items and they are very nice.  The papyrus was hanging on the wall in her bedroom and that was cute.  It is uncharacteristic for me to share my giving history but relevant in this case.

Anyway, yeah I was hoping for her that these calls for money and these videos chastising viewers.. telling them F you and I do these videos for ME not any of you ... were just a bump in the road of  recovery and that she would maybe seek more counsel or improve, but it was, instead, a fast track to the discard of the whole channel.

She did one more video saying she was shutting down the channel and "I hate you all!!"

What a waste of a mind.

I wish her well in thought and in mind, but, not online.  I honored her request and deleted her.

Now what I learned here was just how far I have come in my own recovery from these assholes.

The discarding of me was predictable and not damaging.  Being able to understand what without the education on the subject would make no sense, is key for me.

Without this understanding, I would have been hurt.  I would have questioned myself and the whole thing for years.  Why why why.  Just like all of the discard dealings with the NM .. why why why... and the confusion, hurt, and disappointment.  Decades of confounding wonder in the quiet times.

All of that results in a person coming off to others as confused and clueless... no wonder my kindness was often taken for weakness and or stupidity over all of those years.

It wasn't society and others that were cruel and wrong, but rather it was me presenting as the reactive result of the mindfuck of "loved ones" and others, - NOT the person I am.