Talking with Khlaed today and I'll tell ya guys, it was an eye-opener, about covert narcissists and how they don't fool him in the least.
Khaled's a normal person I.E. no personality disorder/no emotional/mental problems, which isn't to say, though, that's reason for his clarity about narcs. It's just good common sensibility and listening to and trusting that gut feeling which allows him to weed them out from the start.
You know, I remember once 25 years ago, I brought home this girl I'd met in a weight loss clinic. I was beginning to get to know her, and we just stopped in the house on the way to some activity together. I introduced her to my husband and they exchanged a few words before we left the house. When I returned, he told me that he can't really explain why altogether, but he hoped I would just trust in his judgment about her, which was she gave him a sick feeling and to never bring her in our house again. He didn't say not to be friends with her because that would be my choice, but he was drawing a boundary for himself. It wasn't long before I realized why he had this feeling. She was clearly a dangerous kind of borderline who presented as normal and friendly.
I always wondered how he knew. He never could explain it further than a telling ... a gut feeling. He listens closely to his inner self's warnings and feelings.
With he and my eldest sister who is also the golden child of my NM (narcissistic/psychopath mother), the 'relationship' was held at bay by him from the first meeting. This never changed because over the years his gut feeling proved to be true with her as well.
With my research into personality disorders, I finally discovered what was so puzzling about a sickening sweet kind of person such as this whose actions don't commiserate with her mask. The 54 years of experiences with this person show me nothing but covert narcissism at it's finest. Not psychopathy, but narcissism.
It was the year 1984 when Khaled met this covert narcissist and her sociopath boyfriend. We were invited to their place in Florida. They had a three year old child and a newborn baby, and wanted to enjoy a couple of weeks with us.
We arrived a couple of days behind schedule due to inclimate weather conditions and a flat tire which landed us in a hotel and time in a garage. On our arrival, we were hit with the boyfriend's not only dissatisfaction in the delay, but really disgust.
That's one thing, but they lived in a campsite in a care-free way as if they didn't even have children. Their drinking and drugging lifestyle wasn't affected by the fact that they had become parents, which resulted in a host of disturbing scenarios.
Picture a small camper with a babyseat taking up the surface of the table - occupied by an infant. A small child crawling around filthy, with a knife. A chef knife. Not a table knife, but a sharp chef's knife. The father smoking a cigar and blowing the smoke like a proud plantation owner without a care in the world, a mother wearing a sickening sweet mask of kindness while preparing what she could for the kids to eat, and us standing room only standing there in shock as the kid crawls up onto the seat of the table holding the knife over the baby. If this child slipped his tiny feet from the seat, he could have stabbed or cut the baby, but it was as if his parents were somewhere else in a dream, not even aware.
We were shocked. Sick. . Disturbed.
The next day the boyfriend decides to make us dinner. He says we have to go the grocery store to get what's needed. So I think Khaled drove him to the store, and the boyfriend loaded the cart with crabs, all spices, breads, creams, milk, beer, ...everything to make a meal. At the register, he abandoned Khaled. Bam. Welcome to Florida.
The next night we decided to go out to dinner (Khaled and I). We asked this boyfriend who was raised in Florida and my sister where to go and they couldn't tell us. We ended up in a tourist trap and the food was awful. When we returned, the two of them told us "Oh, you went there? That's a tourist trap."
The next day, my sister wanted to spend some quality time with us so she begged the boyfriend to take the three year old while we spent the day together. He refused. Point blank no. Sociopaths have no problems placing boundaries while on the other hand they thoroughly enjoy trampling yours.
We were there five days without a moment's peace with my sister who I went there to see after many years. This three year old child was raised with very little guidance, rules, (I think no rules) or boundaries, so it was constant chaos.
By the sixth day we had to leave. It was awful. Our two week trip was over. I vowed to not go back until her kids were over ten years old and that's what I did too.
My sister told me that the boyfriend warned her that Khaled was likely only with me for a greencard. Totally underestimated this great man, Khaled, and me. This is what they do. I explained to my sister that it wasn't that at all, and what kind of a person Khaled was but it was like talking to a brick wall. I chalked it up to the drugs, but I realize now that it was likely mostly the narcissism.
The next year, when the baby was walking, there was a crackdown on incoming cocaine running boats through the waterways in Florida, so those two came up North. They stopped in the Poconos on their way, only we didn't know what they were doing. Had we really looked for the signs and red-flags we'd of figured all of this out pronto.
They tried a few times to get to us there. Once with the millionaire father of this sociopath lifetime boyfriend of my sister. They came to our place and again mentioned a trip to the grocery store to cook the meal. Now this was our place so Khaled planned on providing the meal, but they told him to go to the store and they went with him. They loaded Khaled's cart with all kinds of things like it was a shopping spree speed game show, and at the register - again - they abandoned Khaled!! This was 1985 and the bill was about a hundred dollars.
Nice. The father of the sociopath boyfriend was a bridgebuilder. I don't mean a worker, he owned the company that the Florida highway contracted with for building roads. The guy was a self made millionaire who travelled the world regularly, but felt the need to do this to a struggling young couple. It was really weird. They were so happy too. Had a great time. It's these kinds of cons that are difficult to stop because they are related, they are kind and polite on the surface (notwithstanding the abandonment at the registers), fun to be with, and interesting. You have a great time. These kinds of "people" reach into your pocket and you end up smiling while they do it - or worse thanking THEM in the end.
Another time my sister came alone to the Poconos. One last try. She brought a suitcase of plastic windup birds and wanted us to buy them for I can't remember but it was awful like over a thousand dollars or maybe 500 and we could sell them for a thousand. She was hard selling these birds. We could get in on the ground floor of this bird business and take them to the beach and start playing with them. According to her we could unload them in a few hours for five bucks a piece!
Right away you ask yourself why she didn't do that? She just came from Florida. I mean they already have taken us twice at the store,... Does she really think they are going to take us for plastic birds? A guy who's working two full-time jobs and me one - trying to get our lives off the ground?? We were honest hardworking people vs. basically, Trash. Just trash. And it got trashier. Millionaire father in law or not. THEY were Trash.
I'm not being judgmental. I'm recalling happenings. Reality. Period.
Over the years, the brief moments with this sister were always similar. The sickening sweet demeanor while with the slight of hand conning you or someone else in some way.
Khaled knew there was something really creepy and wrong about my sister from the first moments to be with her - and turns out what he was 'feeling' was the vibes of a covert narcissist.
This narcissist is sickening sweet. Wears the kindness mask. Good places for them to troll are churches and old folk's homes for prey. HER hunting grounds exactly. What you see beneath that mask, if you ever get the chance, is the ugliest monster ever. It's very scary.
Same with a borderline.. Without their significant other, they are stirpped of a self or (mask) and can be very reptile-like with a glaring scary stare.
The overt narcissist is like Donald Trump. They tell you they are different and they tell you they deserve more than you or anyone else and most people agree with them if only to get a portion of what they have.
The sociopath wears a mask also of joyful kindness, humor, lots of interesting characteristics. They have problems with impulse control, however.
Where the Psychopath is a planner. No impulse control issues. They are the calm psychos. (Mostly). They sit back and plan and orchestrate their destruction. They want control and must be controlling.
My mother is a Borderline/Psychopath (absolutely a narcissist). Which adds to her repertory, jealousy. She was insanely jealous of her own children and any attention or love given or shown by our father. Hence our entire lives, even until going no contact at age 50, she made it her business to rewrite history and destroy the present with our dad. Anything she could do or say .. no lie was wacko enough to keep him from realizing the full potential of a relationship.
She wanted it to be she and he against the world and that's what she proudly proclaimed. She littered his mind with this phrase over the years and she boasted of it's truth to me. Although I secretly shook my head.
A life's work of placing wedges between family members in order to accomplish what the NM thinks is "Her and my dad" against the world is what caused the confusion, chaos, and destruction of the family and individual lives. These wedges in order to be powerful enough to get the job done were loaded with lies and the barbs of half truths I don't know which is more destructive.. lies or half truths, but with them both, you can bet the tentacles and feelers are so far reaching that to this day some still believe.
My kids and husband are trying kindly to show me how this discussion is as far as it's going to go. I mean what more do I expect to get out of exposing the narcissists in my family?
I want vindication.
I think that's what is keeping me. I am vindicating myself in these posts. It's all a part of the self care and self love that I've taken on.
So, I am vindicated.
I think long after being free of the oppression, we seek vindication, and I guess the key is to not fall into a place of wallowing. I've bordered on that. No I have wallowed and complained. And those are steps backward.
So yeah. It was interesting today to discuss with Khaled his thoughts on first meeting my narcissistic sister and her sociopath boyfriend. And his thoughts now. And his thoughts about where I am now.
Perspective. Clarity. Vindication
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