VALIDATION!! THANK YOU LOST CHILD SISTER!!

You know, when we love someone who is struggling emotionally and not intentionally hurting us (and NOT a narcissist), it is so worth it to do what it is that we can and then walk away until they do the work and catch up and come back.

Below is the amazing long-awaited conclusion to the saga of my precious little sister and I after reconnecting. After our father's death, we were both struggling to figure out our toxic family of origin, and our selves - and then along the way major life events triggered high stress interactions, derailing our progress for six years.

Both of us took those six years to seriously do the work in our own lives to come to this healthier point in recovery.

Previous posts on this blog tell the whole story up to before yesterday in detail, but not until today did I get to post this joyful moment of our re-connection as sisters - both practicing self care and placing boundaries!!

So below is what I messaged to her today after a very validating and healthy discussion with her yesterday, sparking our newfound sisterhood in recovery:
                                            *******************************

Just to clarify so we get off on the right foot.  Not to rehash and ask for any kind of apology.  I understand your intentions and the reasons for everything that happened with us and not now nor at anytime before did I think you had wrongful intentions.  I always knew John was behind what I saw during the time you bought that house as erratic and controlling behavior.

I said in our chat that it was because of the computer incident that all of what followed happened.  But that was a seed.

Here's how it went.  After you called me and yes I did hear confusion in your voice, but your words said .. "Please just tell us if you needed to get into John's computer for an emergency or something because yours wasn't working."  You said that multiple times after I was very clear that NO my computer was fine.   You surprised me when instead of saying Okay then we have to get to the bottom of why it shows up on his computer.... because you did not touch it and I believe you.  No problem I will look into this with a computer expert and get back to you...   Instead,  You said, "Do you think I'm lying?  I am looking at it on the screen right now. It says (the login)"!!

After that I was sure I would never step foot in John's house again.  I didn't want things to deteriorate with us so I was willing to wait and see how you would handle my pending validation.

You bought that new place and I was genuinely excited.  On my arrival (please understand that you were clearly under the influence of this emotional abuser) there was a welcome followed by the rules for being there.   Only a certain dish could be used in the microwave because it busted others.  Certain pots and pans were off limits. Things like don't use steel utensils with such and such dishes because they will be destroyed were annoying because it was a nobrainer.  The stove-top was a major issue and warnings were given.  ....   This all set the tone.  It just didn't feel right.

Then there was the next visit building the landing, doggie door and fence.  By this time I barely recognized you.  I tried to be kind and even helpful, but nothing and I do mean nothing I did for you or with you would have ever been good enough.  I don't know what he was doing to you but it made you even check out and dissociate.  It was raining and it really felt like being with dad when he was abusive.  You actually picked up that thing you dragged from the basement when I was bent over trying to pull the leg of it loose from a stubborn rock and you slammed it without realizing it dropped on my shoulder.   Every single thing I said or did to help was rejected or wrong.  I walked on eggshells like I hadn't in decades that weekend.  

I tried for years to dissect this in my blog and in my journal.  I wrote extensively about the three visits, including and ending with the one I decided to be unconscious for.

I wrote about that too.  and I am disappointed in my choice to come regardless of promising myself after leaving the trip of the fence project I could never ever go back to your place.  Not that I was mad, or unloving with you..but that I could not be treated like that ever again and it was just something that kept happening.  It wasn't changing.  I couldn't place a single boundary.  And so yeah why would it change.

You should know in Florida when Buster was ill you behaved very much the same way.   That time too was very difficult, dismissive, controlling, and hurtful.   Again.  boundaries.  My fault as much as yours.   All of this is.

Going forward you have to know that I do place healthy boundaries now. It's helpful anyway for everyone to understand openly as one goes along how each other prefer to be treated or interacted with.  In a way this message is my first,  yikes: but it's honest and where I am coming from.   You need to know that going forward all of these past events having been validated by now and sure not to be repeated,... are just that.  the past and done.  Finally answers.  It's important to me.   Thank you.

So I conclude that high stress events might trigger behaviors that we aren't aware of.  I guess too that's where boundaries are essential.

I hope going forward we both will see the value in what might seem like annoyances when we place a boundary ...  I really do.  but I think it's possible we are both far enough along in recovery to appreciate that.

Yeah I needed to just be sue to be clear in a condensed version of the past signifying events.
***************************************************************************

I received a loving and fully understanding answer.

Even though this was not a sympathy ploy or anything like that...my sister lovingly again apologized and validated every word, taking accountability.
*****************************************************************************

Now we can go forward in our relationship - first getting our feet wet again at my son's upcoming wedding!  The both of us have reserved rooms in the same a hotel for a few days!

I see a beautiful way clear for our relationship to build from this healthier foundation. Something I have wanted to come about for us for a very long time xx 

Lack of empathy in relationships that is NOT narcissistically driven ....

Okay here I am talking about finally approaching this subject with my primary relationship now. 

and my phone ran out so this is a continuation.

The story continues with Khaled being ten years old in the small city of Ismailia Egypt during the onset of the six day war with Israel.  He was crouched in the basement of his parents' huge apartment building for foreigners when the bombing took place.  During those days nobody knew how long they be trying to avoid being blasted to bits like the building above.  He and his eleven brothers and sisters were there a full seven days with their mother.   When the War was over, he was sent for bread in the streets where he saw body parts blown to bits.  The mind of a ten year old absorbed this trauma and wanted to do something for someone.  something right.  Inevitably he was attacked anyway for voicing his concerns and feelings during this time of extremes.   His mother was juggling 12 children and likely a pregnancy...  her marital issues, and the fact that everything they had worked for and loved was gone.  A ten year old's perspective and emotional need wasn't a priority.  It was then Khaled said that his defenses about feeling emotion were born.  And the hold this has on him is powerful my friends. .. very powerful.