Towanda! Righter of Wrongs... Queen Beyond Compare!! On second thought...........

So yesterday I had a Towanda moment at Walmart, and a facebook friend's comment "I don't like confrontation" made me think again.

I don't either, so why does my post about the situation seem so??

Somewhere in this, I figured I was wrong. grrrrr.....  :

Kathleen Wheeler Awad

17 hrs · Wilkes-Barre, PA · Edited ·

Ten Points for dodging the wrath of roadrager:

Coming out of walmart parking lot, this person was coming in off the highway. I was waiting for her to come by in front of my car so I could turn left to go out. Instead, she sat on her horn waving her arms blocking my car from going left right or forward.

It was more important I guess to admonish my poor observance of the parking lot traffic rules than to keep going it seems.

OMG!! All I could think of was a bully kid in bumper cars screaming at ALL the other kids that they were playing it wrong!! Her face was so exaggerated it was funny!! I had to laugh.

Since my reaction was none really but to wave her out of my way with the back of my hand and a blown kiss, she went totally nuts.

While she was doing a donut to circle back and kill me, I took my left turn quick, but she chased me in from the right front as if I would stop and take her punishment and directions lol.

Only thing is she didn't know I've dealt with her kind before and beneath my calm reaction is a foot on the accelerator at the ready!! I nosed my SUV at her fancy little white sports car just as quick as she spun that donut!!

Seemed she didn't want the dent cause I wasn't backing down with the right of way and the green light cheering me on....lol.. She broke just before getting a good scrape as I blasted out onto the highway... In my rear view mirror I saw a little white sports car waaay back there turning then again into the walmart parking lot.

Such a cool way to come out of an attack!! Calm cool and collected and pleased hehe.. I didn't get upset .. not even for a moment. I remembered all my tools and used them. But it was kind of easy because she was so comical to begin with .. But in the end it wasn't all that funny since she was clearly wacked.

Yeah, I thought to myself. Welp, I didn't fire back mad, no.. I didn't even get mad even in the end. I only focused on my reaction remaining calm or "normal." But she is for sure still burning and stomping around walmart now like a maniac.

Oh well, see an old lady with white or grey hair and expect her to be a pushover ... if you wish .. But watch it... hehe wink emoticon xx

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After that, the same facebook friend said, "Wow, what a woman you are."  I thought hmmmmm yeah I don't know, it does seem it wasn't very womanly.  So I answered "We farm girls don't mess around."  Which was meant to imply she and I were raised working on farms and so from our most inner depths, any tough spot isn't too tough for us.  

I do that.  I noticed I like to enjoin others in my reasoning's for my actions.  You know what?  That's wrong.  I am realizing here that I don't need to to that.  I don't need to prop up my decision making with others' (who btw may not even agree as you see happened here).

It's important to note here that this behavior (using others to shore up one's own questionable behaviors is a narcissist trait).  You all know where that came from deep down in my psyche.  But it goes TODAY.

The other kind of narcissist thing I did in the conflict was to blow that kiss.  I just had to piss her off more.  That's what narcs do.  AND then when she totally flipped and came after my car, I was proud of my behavior!!

I can see with this little example that I still have more work to do in shedding all that was learned since birth.  Funny thing is the post was supposed to showcase my recovery, how I reacted in a better way that in prior times.  This was the first time (that I can think of now) I used a narcissist's tactics to get through something like this and I thought I did so well.

The reason I did well for me was that I didn't get upset.  My heart rate didn't even change, but still... using narc tactics to deal with narcs isn't going to cut it for getting well.  That is NOT the wellness solution I want for me.

I do give myself points for not getting angry, but for adding to this persons negativity with passive aggression and the narcissistic blown kiss, my points were revoked really on the spot.

My dilemma:

When a person confronts and attacks me (very unusual btw) I don't want to feel threatened, fear, anger... all those negative emotions.  Mostly, I don't want to drive away feeling like I didn't take care of myself, which only leads to negative self talk.

Turns out now I also don't want to avoid those emotions by being immature and laughing at the person and using passive aggressive tactics.

So yeah.  Not too bad, but next time I'll have to do better.  No kiss.. no laughing.  That's going to be the growth.  The test.  To not get upset without using negativity as a shield from negativity.

We'll see....

Overtaking the hurdle of Selfrespect in Healthy Relating

Well well well.....

I come across this one and see that the all so important validation seeking needs to be reeled in.    

Validation is a tricky thing.  First part of my life, my own validation was nonexistent - not allowed - never hoped for.  Second part of my life it became a part of my healing - a necessity.  

Now, at the golden years of my life, validation is something I give myself on occasion, ask of my spouse on the rare occasion, and experience and do for others when the timing is right.  Other than that, it is not a forefront issue anymore.

Now, when someone dismisses me and or my shared thoughts or opinions, I learn from the experience.  The more I learn, the less I am dealing with people who tend to behave as such.  Hence the less this even becomes an issue in my life.

At this point in my healing I have discovered there are still others who are so wounded and unhealed that having them in my inner circle could be a source of negativity. These still wounded souls cannot help but be distrustful, dismissive, and in effect, cruel, actually. They are so wounded that in limping along emotionally, they cannot gather the maturity and strength for reciprocate, respectful relating. And I cannot ask them for and or hope for something they don't have to give.

I feel accomplished that I actually learned this recently:   When I notice in relating with someone who over and over is dismissive of me and my issues while I am supportive of them and theirs.....  I can and must cut them loose.  This I do now instead of having endless patience waiting for them to "come around" ... in their emotional maturity - to learn from my example .. lol.. ..  Most still-wounded people aren't up to learning from others' examples. Even those seeking healing. If they are stuck at some point in healing, they are not going to learn anything from me or my examples of allowing myself to me unheard, used, and dismissed.  After all, what would they learn anyway?  How to be a doormat?  What was I thinking.


There is no choice but to move on, cultivating my own emotional growth and healthier relating abilities.

So onward and upward it is... Without the slightest guilt about 'giving up' on still wounded people.  

Moving on and giving up are two different things.  I've moved on, but at any point should anyone new in my life or old in my life want to relate in respectful ways, I'm all ears as I keep moving, yet keep respecting myself and others.

Dismissing someone’s Pain comes off as Devaluation

Okay I want to talk about dismissing and devaluation.  How this affects especially one who is going through a particularly difficult emotional time.

At any point in a relationship, dismissing and devaluing is unproductive, but in a time of expressed pain, such behavior is especially difficult.

Telling someone to “get over it” is a dismissive reaction. And refusing to try to understand beyond one's own beliefs results in devaluation. 

There is a difference between being supportive and being obligated to take on a person’s pain in a burdensome way.  No one is obligated to take on another's pain, nor should they.  One can be supportive AND not "shoulder" the pain at the same time.

All or nothing – black and white thinking leads one to incorrectly see things in exaggerated and distorted ways.  This thought pattern brings confusion in relating.

A person who thinks and behaves in such a way might say all in the same breath, two conflicting beliefs.

“I am supportive with this person who is sorting emotional trauma, but (The person said the whole year has been full of trauma) I told the person their reaction is ridiculous because they are not able to see how great things are beyond the traumas.”

Unfortunately, this person is unable or unwilling to understand that multiple traumas within a six month period are ample reason for seeing the year as an overall disappointment.

Yes there can always be MORE traumas, but YAY there weren’t. But that’s not the point!  The point is what HAS happened.  What IS being sorted and recovered from. That’s the point. 

Dismissing someone’s pain comes off as devaluation.  

When Things don't Leave you for Thirty Years They are Meant to Teach you Something

Take notice that others are beginning to see you differently.  I see more nods and smiles than ever in everyday living and normal relating, as I practice this newly acquired self love.

In doing this, though, be prepared to be called selfish by still unenlightened others.  But because you are at this point in recovery, this or any judgement shouldn't affect you as in past times.


I love the part about "Even your mistakes mean you are trying."

Not only that, but our mistakes are our teachers.  Our failures can be just as valuable as our successes.

In my failures I have gleaned answers to questions about myself and others that may have haunted me for years.  I have acquired more humility, patience, and appreciation, too, as a result of having failed.

The appreciation for the failure is key.  To be able to SEE what it is the experience is meant to teach is gold.  And what a difference feeling appreciation is from feeling a failure.

Instead of defeat, I am further propelled, as I bounce back on track with yet more understanding.

Funny thing as I look back I find that more often than not my first intuition and impressions of people and situations are right - EVEN 30 years ago.

Years pressed on and in some cases I went with it and other cases I tried to deny my gut feelings.   Better then I thought to to bend myself into fitting with what just wasn't right for me.  All to go along to get along (especially if I had little choice in the matter).

After all I figured, I could be wrong about these non family of origin others, and it would be unfair to someone (had I misjudged them).

There was an error in siding for the other person over myself and my best judgment.  BUT  I learned from these experiences.

When things don't leave you for thirty years I find that they are meant to teach you something.  Conflicting experiences hang around in the mind for a reason.  Until we learn what it is they were trying to teach us, they will remain a haunting memory.

One memory that has haunted me for decades is that one day I rode in the back of the car of a friend whose other friend was in the front, passenger side seat.  The friend of mine was driving.  She was speaking with me through the rear view mirror.

I told her about Khaled.  How much he loved me and I him.  How happy I was about this...  ,,  Finding a good man who really loves me.  I said, "That's all I ever really wanted."

She replied with a joking tone and a nod to her friend in the seat beside her as she glanced at me in the mirror in her spanking new Honda, "Huh!! I want something more."

That never ever left my mind.  I was a romantic and very young at the time, so I couldn't for the life of me figure what more she could possibly want.  And what did that say about me?  It felt like it was supposed to take away from the joyful bit I'd just shared.

It wasn't until years later that it dawned on me.  OHHHHH ....  yeah of course. How could I be so stupid.  MONEY.  Huh.

Not only was this a "Hunch" that a little older and more experienced me figured out, but it became a fact.

This girl later married for money someone who she did not love.  She has lived a luxurious life for about 25 years, but in isolation.  She is in a totally loveless marriage.  The husband and she have lived separately for about 20 years and when they have to see each other it is a negativity fest that everyone would rather avoid.

Her place by the way is cold and lifeless which for some years in the beginning I couldn't figure why.  All I knew was how being there made me feel.  Like getting AWAY.  Very negative. Cold. Draining. Controlled.

You guys, I don't have to tell you how I feel about controlling people and being controlled.  So I won't.  You are welcome hehe.

But you see, right there in the car, I was doubting myself..  What is it I'm supposed to know to want more than love?  What's wrong with how happy Khaled makes me?  I was emotionally immature, insecure, and YOUNG.

I enjoyed and still do enjoy casual dress - nothing showy or uncomfortable.  I never ever cared how I looked for others.  I dressed for me.  But, if you are this kind of person you are going to clash with one who is self-centered, full mani-pedi all the time, perfect hair, expensive and stylish clothes and shoes, perfume, jewelry, the works.  (Please don't get me wrong.  This person was purposley putting on the dog while I was there.  I have nothing against people who enjoy dressing nicely (hair, makeup, nails, the works, are fine)).

I think now I would see beyond her putting on the dog,  and I'd ignore the narcissistic traits of this person while in the car.  And if I was forced to be around this person for reasons beyond my control outside of the car, I would use boundaries and survival tools to not absorb the negativity.

ahhh yeah.....  Hindsight.

But it's interesting that since I am still having to deal with this person from time to time, this blip in time is now a part of my learning experience.

 For this little blip and for all that has followed since, I am able to, and, do remain focused.    

New Horizons.... Bye bye to the old and ON with with New........as we practice new communication skills .. "Reflective Listening".

Moving on from the grief work to ongoing healthy relationships -

Still need the reminders to push myself to avoid periods of, or to interrupt periods of unproductivity.

Tell you what. There certainly are days that I still find myself cycling back to the precipice of emotional limbo.  That paralysing feeling that just has you from an emotional standpoint.  The ever present threat of the returning mind trap.

But tsk tsk... not so fast.

I can though say that the grief work is finished.  After five years in recovery, I have completed this all important work.

At the completion of the grief work, I realized that in place of the despair for what should have been and never will be..... (with the family of origin)  I found that AN appreciation for what is... just slid it's way in.  For real.  I appreciate having come through everything it took to get me this healing.

The reason I know for sure it is complete is if someone were to offer to me what I wanted all those years of my family of origin...  A loving real mother...  Family members who were healthy and supportive and understanding and Loving....  Real and safe relationships with them.

UH...  I'd say... "No thanks".   I really would.  If by some miracle the FOO found counseling and healing, I say more power to them.  Good. Go for it.  Get better and stay better.  For you.  Not for me. Stay better and stay better there.

Not angry.  Just saying.  I am finally over it.  Finally not wishing or seeking for anything.   And I have to say that it feels great being totally out of practice jumping through hoops and twisting myself into pretzels!!

This stance can't be shaken by any miracle in any shape or form.  I can wish people well and really mean it........ and as well as keeping boundaries forever, likewise meaning it.

Grief work has been replaced for me now with practicing a new balance in my home with my husband.

We emptied our lives of narcissists and now it is us, our independent adult children, extended family, and friends.

Our personal relationship has always been good so this balancing act using my new tools for emotional growth is pretty easy.  Still, it's necessary.

It's true that if one person changes in a relationship and gets better, all other players must also react and adjust...  in effect, also change in tweaks here and there.

Khaled is finding himself held accountable for minute items in conversation and I am accountable also for the same and for spending habits.

We have the added stumbling block of English being Khaled's second language, not to mention his birth culture being totally different than mine, but we manage pretty well.

It is kind of new that I am insisting on being heard and him reflecting what it is he heard me say.  And I noticed recently, him doing the same with me!!  That was funny and it is fun.  It really makes a difference in the quality of communication.