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In doing this, though, be prepared to be called selfish by still unenlightened others. But because you are at this point in recovery, this or any judgement shouldn't affect you as in past times.
I love the part about "Even your mistakes mean you are trying."
Not only that, but our mistakes are our teachers. Our failures can be just as valuable as our successes.
In my failures I have gleaned answers to questions about myself and others that may have haunted me for years. I have acquired more humility, patience, and appreciation, too, as a result of having failed.
The appreciation for the failure is key. To be able to SEE what it is the experience is meant to teach is gold. And what a difference feeling appreciation is from feeling a failure.
Instead of defeat, I am further propelled, as I bounce back on track with yet more understanding.
Funny thing as I look back I find that more often than not my first intuition and impressions of people and situations are right - EVEN 30 years ago.
Years pressed on and in some cases I went with it and other cases I tried to deny my gut feelings. Better then I thought to to bend myself into fitting with what just wasn't right for me. All to go along to get along (especially if I had little choice in the matter).
After all I figured, I could be wrong about these non family of origin others, and it would be unfair to someone (had I misjudged them).
There was an error in siding for the other person over myself and my best judgment. BUT I learned from these experiences.
When things don't leave you for thirty years I find that they are meant to teach you something. Conflicting experiences hang around in the mind for a reason. Until we learn what it is they were trying to teach us, they will remain a haunting memory.
One memory that has haunted me for decades is that one day I rode in the back of the car of a friend whose other friend was in the front, passenger side seat. The friend of mine was driving. She was speaking with me through the rear view mirror.
I told her about Khaled. How much he loved me and I him. How happy I was about this... ,, Finding a good man who really loves me. I said, "That's all I ever really wanted."
She replied with a joking tone and a nod to her friend in the seat beside her as she glanced at me in the mirror in her spanking new Honda, "Huh!! I want something more."
That never ever left my mind. I was a romantic and very young at the time, so I couldn't for the life of me figure what more she could possibly want. And what did that say about me? It felt like it was supposed to take away from the joyful bit I'd just shared.
It wasn't until years later that it dawned on me. OHHHHH .... yeah of course. How could I be so stupid. MONEY. Huh.
Not only was this a "Hunch" that a little older and more experienced me figured out, but it became a fact.
This girl later married for money someone who she did not love. She has lived a luxurious life for about 25 years, but in isolation. She is in a totally loveless marriage. The husband and she have lived separately for about 20 years and when they have to see each other it is a negativity fest that everyone would rather avoid.
Her place by the way is cold and lifeless which for some years in the beginning I couldn't figure why. All I knew was how being there made me feel. Like getting AWAY. Very negative. Cold. Draining. Controlled.
You guys, I don't have to tell you how I feel about controlling people and being controlled. So I won't. You are welcome hehe.
But you see, right there in the car, I was doubting myself.. What is it I'm supposed to know to want more than love? What's wrong with how happy Khaled makes me? I was emotionally immature, insecure, and YOUNG.
I enjoyed and still do enjoy casual dress - nothing showy or uncomfortable. I never ever cared how I looked for others. I dressed for me. But, if you are this kind of person you are going to clash with one who is self-centered, full mani-pedi all the time, perfect hair, expensive and stylish clothes and shoes, perfume, jewelry, the works. (Please don't get me wrong. This person was purposley putting on the dog while I was there. I have nothing against people who enjoy dressing nicely (hair, makeup, nails, the works, are fine)).
I think now I would see beyond her putting on the dog, and I'd ignore the narcissistic traits of this person while in the car. And if I was forced to be around this person for reasons beyond my control outside of the car, I would use boundaries and survival tools to not absorb the negativity.
ahhh yeah..... Hindsight.
But it's interesting that since I am still having to deal with this person from time to time, this blip in time is now a part of my learning experience.
For this little blip and for all that has followed since, I am able to, and, do remain focused.
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