Oh Lord Please Dont let me be Misunderstood

A truer statement was never said than that of the one here.

I spent the first five decades of my life exhausting my own energy trying to make myself understood.

Trying to prove myself, I would justify my intent and actions. And so often before going no contact with my family of origin I found myself trying to repair bonds with loved ones.  These bonds were weakened and broken over and over by way of the slow drip of innuendo by the narcissist in control.  In any case, it was the NM. The Narcissistic Monster... I mean narcissistic mother.

And for what?

The only person I really need to understand is me.  The only person I need to prove things to is me.  The person I respect most is me, and ultimately the one I love and do understand most is myself, and so it is myself that really matters in the scheme of things.

When my dad was alive, he was the one I most loved in the FOO, and the one I knew not without doubt though, loved me regardless of the lies my jealous NM invented between us.  It was all I could do to make myself available to him at anytime and in anyway no matter the up to 1500 mile difference between us - and no matter the constant whispering in his ear whether by way of suggestion or her out right lies.  (and btw thinking of him and caring for him was most of what I did do.  My family suffered for it.  My kids and husband could have had better lives had I  been more present for them).

I couldn't read his mind to know what she made up next nor could I or would I imagine, but I could supply him with his needs (his wardrobe over the course of every year) and other things  every chance I got to make the trip. For sure birthdays, holidays, and usually anniversaries, as well as other visits when he was still in NY state.  In Florida though I still managed and with a full and happy heart.

I did all I could do for him and NM also since he had virtually no autonomy.

There is no doubt that all during the years of NM's emotional abuse and lies I was a dutiful and loving daughter.  Even so along the way, the decades were marked with kickouts for placing boundaries.  She'd kick me out of the family and he'd eventually insist she get in touch and ask me back.  All the siblings heard from me the the exact story for why I was no contact during kickouts, but her story was evidently totally different.  Someone had to be either crazy or lying or both.

Jealousy is an awful, horrible, and childish thing.

I have my own problems but jealousy was never one of them.  I could never understand jealousy.  My dad was the same way his whole life.  Always happy for others' successes and happiness.  It's so simple.  To be happy for others is a very simple thing.  I can't be bothered with the difficulty and negativity that jealousy entails.

Turns out the reason for the NM's lies about me was her jealousy of my relationship with and love for, my dad.  Had I NOT been such the dutiful daughter I would have suffered under her lies and control way less, ironically.  Still, though, she would have then complained to relatives that I was a neglectful daughter.  You cannot win with narcissists.  Nothing is enough, nothing is good enough, and nothing you do for them will accomplish getting a mother, being loved, or even just not be spoken badly of.

So now yeah I live my life.  I understand myself and I don't feel prompted to make or want others to understand me or my actions.. or even my reasoning.  I don't have to justify anything I say or do to anyone but myself.  If it is okay by me, it must be right.  If it doesn't feel right, then it's not okay by me and I need to do some work.  And that's that.

Again simple.

Simple is the way to go.

Goes well with my marriage also...  Happily married 31 years as of last week!!  Well, over those thirty years, most of them were happy.  Better now than ever I'd say and that's something.

I still have work to do and that's okay -  Likely always will -  The thing is it gets easier and just keeps getting better all the time.