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If over and over the story is played, described, dissected, and dismantled until one is blue in the face, at which point do you have to admit the revisiting of the issues may becoming a form of self harm?
I guess it could be self abuse and self neglect when one decides to recall hurtful feelings as opposed to choosing to recall what feels good.
We know what the NM did, has done, is doing and still does to me and my loved ones, but choosing to recall specific emotional wounding and feeling badly as a result does become some form of self harm.
When I feel myself doing this, hanging onto what she's done, revisiting it - I have to challenge my beliefs and thoughts in that moment of unhappiness. I ask myself why I am having this particular feeling? What am I thinking now to cause this feeling? Inevitably, it is about the NM, and how she managed to take so much from my dad and me.
The fact is she did, but there is nothing I can do about it now - and even then, I did every single thing that could be done about it - whether or not it ever changed anything - I tried with every ounce of my being to be accepted and loved. Rethinking it all now is not helpful.
I do not want to choose to feel hurt because it is my main goal to end suffering, so it is in this moment I remind myself that I am free to leave this past behind me. I now invest in the hear and now.
Since I choose to leave the past behind, my life is trauma-free. My thoughts, in turn, are becoming trauma-free.
The question of trauma though is worth addressing. There are opinions about degrees of trauma, as in from whining about sadness to real wartime kinds of trauma. I don't like measuring degrees of trauma because the experiences are less relevant when the issue is their effects on individuals.
As an individual, my experience with trauma is relevant and has been shared. Ya think? For me, understanding the meaning of this trauma is key for escaping the past, but being able to take responsibility for my thoughts and experiences is all about the hear now.
I have freed myself from a narcissistic/sociopath mother.
My identity is my comfort zone, so in redefining what's comfortable, I am the daughter of Joseph Anthony Wheeler. The trauma of which I have successfully dealt is of the past, and at this point in my life I see no good reason to point additional fingers or lay additional blame.
I need to redefine what it is that is comfortable. It is comfortable being the daughter of Joseph, and just not having a mother. Actually, it is obvious I and my siblings didn't have a mother, instead we had a mean childlike actor in our lives, whose appearance was that of a mother.
Without a mother at all, NM or otherwise, about whom to reflect, this whole personal responsibility thing is much easier.
I feel like I can close the chapter on the NM. since effective immediately, she doesn't exist.
I am consciously choosing to only ever reflect on the good memories with my dad from this day forward. There are so many good memories with him and yes they are all tainted with the NM and how she tried to undermine our relationship, but after this post that part of my times with dad will no longer be a part of what I choose to recall.
In recalling what is positive and useful, Dad made me smile, and his memory makes me feel good.
I am the wife of Khaled Awad, and the mother of Khaled K. Awad, Joesph Awad, and Sarah Jasmine Awad. Also the daughter in law of Sadaia Sherrif, the sister in law of Nagah Awad, Amal Awad, Aza Awad, Salah Awad, and Magdee Awad. And a very large extended family of choice in Egypt.
I surround myself now with the people and the things I love which include animals, photography, the written word, truth, gratitude, generosity, patience, kindness, my husband, my children, neighbors, family, friends, and PEACE.
When I add those together I get LOVE.
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