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Welcome to my third blog on navigating our way out of negativity as we are finding our way in a life free from narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths. And let me add here, borderlines.
My new term for them is narciopaths!! By now we are all either no contact with them or working diligently on accomplishing doing so. Really, we found that the only sure fire way to escape further abuse is to go no contact. There are reasons, I understand, though, why some of us take so long in doing so.
For me as you all know, it was because of the love for my dad well and the NM, actually. But I would have given up her to gain my own sanity and peace if it didn't mean giving up him also, as she had him on a tight leash. So for me I remained in contact with the both of them until my father's death. Then I was free. And so was he.
I have to add here, that I'm not sure I would recommend staying until age 50 EVEN for the one parent who is loving and kind. For myself at the time, I may not have lived through letting my dad go .. so I didn't go no contact then. But it is way healthier if you can.
It might have been way better had I been healthy enough years ago to tell my father in a calm and quiet way that my mother/his wife is a narcissist and very damaging to me. And that I don't want to see her anymore, but that I would love to see him somehow without her over the years if we could find a way to manage such visits. I know he would have understood. And he could be trusted to keep it between us, but I was afraid of putting him in that position and how would he ever find a moment never mind a whole day away from her.
I would recommend for others though to put the ball in the parent's court and tell him/her like I said. With social media you can remain in contact also with the good parent now which is HUGE. I would have loved to have had that option. So I would recommend in all circumstances today GO NC ASAP. A good parent will understand and will want you to be healthy and not further damaged.
That was almost five years ago. It was October first, 2010. As you all know that my dad died, but I was kicked out of the family (again) the year before his death. However, I managed to fly to Florida to say goodbye to him on his deathbed against NM's wishes, but at his behest.
He was punished for that - She withheld his morphine for the three weeks following my return home when he was dying in her home. My dad's calls for help finally drove my brother to call authorities and turn her in for elder abuse. She was removed from his care, but while the nurse was on her way over with injections, my father passed away right there with the scene still ongoing - my brother and sister there and the NM screaming my brother was a liar. In such a moment when the dying person is supposed to be surrounded by peace and angels, he was bombarded with the rage of the NM and the tears of my siblings and his own pain, which she refused to relieve with the drops of morphine she had right there on hand for him. And this was all just To Be 'Right' and to be cruel, she would NOT give him THAT medicine. It was Awful.
As a result of that scene... them there seeing this, and me at home in NEPA hearing of it from my bed on the phone everyday, my siblings and I ALL suffered PTSD from the trauma of living through watching our dad suffer, begging for help. In response to his pleas, NM told him, "Joe. Calm down!! I don't want people to get upset with your calling for help!" Yeah. Calm down. The man couldn't breathe!! You try suffocating to a slow death and see if you are calm about it. I can't imagine the pain.
I'm sorry. There can't be mercy and or forgiveness for such an act of absolute cruelty, manipulation, and control. Now all of us have to live with allowing this to go on until our brother called authorities. I wanted to call the police from up here but I was ill and not strong enough either to make things clear. I would have sounded so upset (as I was) and they might have asked me why my siblings who are there aren't calling.
I am in therapy for the lingering affects of this and her prior abuses, and my siblings are doing whatever it is that works best for them. The golden child is playing narciopath games .. that keeps her mind occupied... My poor brother is drinking and using marijuana daily (he's also married to a narc), and my little sister is not interested in therapy she said, but she is making positive changes in her own life. First order of business, she got rid of all the narcs in her life. That's a good start right there.
You know what? Us empaths seem to attract these narcs. With this being the case, until we are clear about the statistics and reality actually, it could seem narcissists are even more prevalent. But, now that we know all the traits and behaviors of narcissists, we can avoid allowing them into our inner circles to begin with. And those that already are in our lives from say years back even, we can begin to go low contact with and or finally weed out. We really have to rid ourselves of these types of people in order for our energy to remain positive and full, and for our minds to be clear and contented.
It is KEY to live a narcless life. It really is.
So once we've done that and come this far.... It's up to us to continue to evolve. We begin right where we left off.. For some of us that could be as early as 3 years old, 5, 12, 16, or 25. (It is from these ages that our natural ability for our (selves) to develop was destroyed by the NM's). But from whichever age, it matters not... evolution is the same. It is listening to hear, fearlessly setting healthy boundaries, understanding and being understood, making positive choices, and knowing we have choices in everything we do.
Also something big that has come into my consciousnesses is empathetic listening whereby you listen to the person's words and when they are finished, you repeat what you heard. Then they tell you whether or not they are fully heard. Just something new that seems kind of strange but it is valuable. Very valuable especially for those of us who need validation (and I think all of us do) and crave understanding and to understand.
Current Choices
Boundaries for myself and others
Food plan
Therapy
Time with Khaled - the listening practice
Spiritual time
So simple ... so elementary .. Yet so important and life affirming...
Peace
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