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She pitted me against my little sister and my brother against me - and the golden child our big sister against all of us. Never once did she try to show us love and kindness - or how to be sisters and brother. Instead, she resented all but the Golden Child who she used for work and companionship. In so doing, she enjoyed our resentment of each other. I was hateful towards my little sister who was an innocent child, and I was never once forbidden to behave cruelly - same with my brother... his hatred for me pleased the NM.
GC was offered privileges and treated like an equal to the NM in exchange for raising the children and cleaning the house - later working in NM's nursing home. She was a confidant for the NM from the age of five and NM bragged endlessly about how grown up the GC was and of all she could do and do so well. Never had to be asked. She just did what needed to be done. GC resented this, but enjoyed the privileges.
Oh yes this posted sign is right. GC would betray all of us with the NM, and NM would punish the three of us... my brother, me, and my little sister. We spent a lot of time banished to our rooms where we played army guys crawling under the beds and shooting stuffed toys - going from room to room. We had to be pretty little to be doing that and it was for all day. No such thing as a time out.
As we got older if we did any infraction, we were grounded for entire summers, but by then my older brother figured a way to escape his room. He would climb out the window and shimmy down the trellis just like in the movies. He wound't return until late at night or the next day and not be missed either. He told us (me and my little sister), and we never tattled. We thought he was funny and clever.
If we didn't do anything to annoy the NM all day she would make something up to complain about to our father who would come home from work all happy until getting the low down from her. It was always which one of us was going to be called stupid, dumb, an asshole, and or be spanked and grounded more.
NM convinced our dad that we did wrong things especially to make him angry. The word we heard was "mad." "Dad's mad. You made him mad. Dad's mad about such and such... Oh well, mom said whatever, and that's that." NM spoke and it was gold. You NEVER questioned anything or stood up for yourself or anyone else. Our father actually believed All of her lies from then until the year before his death when in his illness she kicked me out of the family again when I was visiting at their place in Florida. NM told just amazing lies about that kick-out to my siblings also, but she had to be careful in telling those lies - only when Dad was not within earshot. When he was there she stuck to the lies she told him about why I was leaving.
You see, first she sent him to his bed and then kicked me out for standing up to her controlling behavior. It was about me inquiring about his condition actually, that I got canned. She told me that she didn't want me asking him anything about his illness because "He can get VERY negative." I was about finished with her really even before my plane landed this trip, and I was determined to set boundaries with her. I told her I would say to him whatever I wanted concerning his condition or anything else. That I wasn't a fool, and anything I would say to him would be more than appropriate. She looked shocked and angry. She started screaming at me in a whisper tone so not to alert Dad from in the bedroom. Ending with, "This is MY house and if you don't like it you can pack your bags and leave." So I got up and started packing my bags. I had enough. She followed behind and turned right into my dad's bedroom and closed the door. Dun dun dun!!! Yeah. You just know she's in there telling him god knows what about what just took place. You see the narcissist is suffering so badly with such narcissistic injury even for a minor infraction, that they have to stretch the story and or tell giant enough lies to get the listener to be compassionate enough in response. NM HAS TO MAKE him feel something really awful about me because she is feeling something really awful. Yes all I said was NO and packed my bags, but that's enough to set her into rage mode. It's way huger to her than the reality. Now she must construct and fabricate a story to match her rage. And to make my dad feel angry about me also would be actually the best result in NM's plan. That's the modis oporendi for the NM for all the years I've been alive, and that last kick out was no exception.
Later, she told my siblings that I tried to push her over with my luggage! Further, she said that my dad had to chase me down with the car on the highway because I left the park on foot with all my bags and stormed down the road in a rage and wouldn't get into the car until dad kept inching beside forcing me to get in. This was to paint the crazy picture. They all swallowed this hook line and sinker without a single question. She also told them that I was so angry about having trouble with the plane reservations that she could see it building then. lol What? What building and 'then'? wth? First, we don't get angry over plane reservations. Khaled was fine about it on the phone. We are not Narcs and Borderlines. It's THEY who would be angry over phone and plane reservations. So I guess that sounded like a believable lie and sure enough - the sibs believed. Even when my little sister told me this story after her and I both going No Contact and comparing stories, I assured her neither I nor Khaled was the least bit angry about anything, let alone the plane reservations. But she further insisted that she believed it because it's understandable to be angry over airport reservations . My sister said, "They can be frustrating." I repeated NO we have NEVER been frustrated like that over difficulties with plane reservations! She said that seriously, she had been upset many times over plane reservations. I told her that we fly all the time and it's a given - not a problem. I still didn't know if I was being believed THEN! That's how damaging the NM's are to your credibility.
It's been decades since I'd lived like that and had to think like that... But it comes back to you and hits you in the face with a heavy dreadful realization that, yeah, I forgot this is the norm here. How. Wait. How does that go again? lol..
Best for last. My dad was dying, and in the final stages of interstitial lung disease. Walking from the chair to the bathroom was exhausting for him. I was concerned about his breathing, when I noticed his difficulty going from his living room chair to the hallway bathroom, and that's what I was talking about when I was trying to discuss his condition with the NM. My concern for him set her off, and she warned me to leave it alone. "He can get very negative." The man was a saint and could barely breathe. I'm glad I stood up to her and told her in so many words that's BS.
So yeah the best part?? Here goes. NM tells my sisters and my brother that after the plane reservations and also finding I couldn't transport my rabbit (another part), that I was annoyed with my dad for NOT taking me to Forte Lauderdale Airport. That she had to convince me to stop trying to force my sick father to drive me for what would have been 15 hours both ways from Ocala Florida to the airport in Forte Lauderdale. Oh the very best part?? Like all of us all those years, believing the NM's outrageous lies, THEY ALL believed her!! I told my little sister that I would NEVER EVER even say yes had he offered or insisted!! The man couldn't walk across the floor for heaven's sake.
So it turns out that NM couldn't tell my dad or my siblings that I left because she kicked me out yet again, so she tells the siblings it was a combination of three things all adding up to getting mad and out of control and storming out. *shakes head* Yeah according to the NM, I left my dying father early (before the end of the planned trip) because the airport had difficulty with plane reservations, I couldn't take my rabbit, and I couldn't force my dying father to drive 15 hours so that I could fly out of Forte Lauderdale. I mean, wow. Think about the power these monsters must have or are given. Because does any of that sound even logical to you? Every single one of my siblings never questioned a word. NM Never mentions that she told me what I was and wasn't allowed to discuss with Dad or I could pack my bags and leave. I placed a boundary that I wouldn't be controlled and so when she plowed right over it with the crap about only speaking with my dad about what she authorizes, I had no choice but to go No Contact starting then.
She never told them either that I knocked on their bedroom door and tried to tell dad the truth of why I was leaving and he shot her a look like you wouldn't believe. She sprung out of that bed and screamed that I was a liar. None of that was ever repeated to my siblings. Why? Because it's true and it makes absolute sense. And it makes me look rational and her look like the narc that she is. NM has the added bonus of knowing that my dad will never open his mouth about any of it to anyone ever, so she can tell people what she wants and she knows it's not likely to be discussed with him.
So when we were small, NM worked diligently to keep our father's perception of who his own children were a negative one, now that we are very aged adults she is still at it. For normal people this would sound insane, I mean who can allow their own perceptions to be formed by some one else? Co-dependents do. Also, for normal folks, they would be shocked that people like the NM go around controlling, lying, manipulating, and triangulating conversation until her target's perception of the victim is exactly what she wants it to be.
Once when I was visiting them in Nichols NY, one of my kids was the baby and I was filling a bottle at the sink while they were seated in the kitchen at opposite ends of the table. NM said, "Tell Kathleen what you told that co-worker who gave you the birth announcement, celebrating his daughter's birth." Dad looked at me as I stood there shaking the bottle over the sink and said, "Oh yeah. A friend of mine. I told him, "You have my sympathy," And I meant it!!" NM was laughing aloud with delight while I was horrified and, frankly, stunned.
At the time the golden child was basically no contact and still on drugs living a homeless lifestyle in Florida with little kids and a drug addict boyfriend, and my brother was no contact and had been for 20 years. My little sister was also no contact and had been for about five years then, while living in the same area. It might have been kind of less of a challenge to convince my dad that he was a failure as a father since three of his four children seemed to want to have nothing to do with him. At least that's what NM told him. And any correspondence was intercepted by the NM and lied about or thrown away. NM was angry my siblings placed their boundaries and she was going to make them all pay.
See NM knows how much we love our dad no matter what lies she tells about him. It's always confusing. You love, even them both, but when you visit everything feels strange and you have to guess or imagine who is 'mad' (probably at you) and why and then hope your mind-reading was on point enough to 'fix' anything it could be. It 's so exhausting dealing with the NM's games that my siblings were all smart to just stay away and get on with their lives. I was the fool that went back over and over and over and exposed even my children to the abusive NM. *Shakes head*
Anyway, back to the kitchen when I had my baby's bottle, shaking it over the sink. I thought for a split second and said, "What?? That's awful!" "Well." Dad said, "You don't know how badly it hurts when you realize what a rotten parent you've been by the fact that your own kids don't even ask if you are dead or alive. I mean the guy would be better off if he never had any children. That's how I feel anyway about having kids." NM chimes in, "After ALL we've done for them! All the grand Christmas's, all the vacations, all the sacrifices. It's a thankless job, being a parent." With that duping delightful grin she has when she's pulled off an epic narc fete. "I can't believe my ears." I say! "You actually told the new father that? My god. Hey wait a minute. And you really feel that way? I mean, even after having one child who never once treated you badly. Always comes around. I mean. Doesn't that account for anything? Wasn't it worth having all of us just to get one that really loves you and comes to your house twice a month with grandchildren and a six hour drive back and forth? Wasn't it worth having me at least?" It was like a comedy skit on SNL, and if it weren't so disgusting and heartbreaking this would come off as bizarrely funny. The two of them sat there looking at each other still smiling and in unison they said, "NO." I was crushed.
I'd have to write an entire book to go into the lengths I went to up until that point to build and repair (although it was never clear for what or why you were constantly backtracking, making sure everyone's alright and repairing) a relationship with the two of them. Never arriving empty handed, sending boxes upon boxes of gifts, dishwashers, Electrolux vacuum cleaners, Mary Kay cosmetics, Cutco knives, oh, furniture from a high end furniture store... you name it. Almost all their furniture was from my first marriage when my then husband had a high end furniture store in Owego, NY called Stacks Fine Furniture. Their bedding was from me for 20 years, my dad's wardrobe every year, NM's shirts... you name it. I made sure if I could buy it for myself, I bought it for them also. Mostly for the NM because she enjoyed fine things for the house, and I really did enjoy sharing and the fun we had when the NM was happy like that.
My dad made decent money as a model maker for IBM, but NM was in charge of the money, and NM's are financially irresponsible. My dad was generous and would give her or anyone the shirt off his back so she took his every dime and paycheck from him since the first day of their marriage. He had very little or no say about purchases and day to day spending.
Our relationship was pretty much like I explained until the NM kicked me out oh, about 4 years after that.
I set another boundary with her. I was no longer going to expose my children to her and I stopped bringing them. She forced me to tell the real reason for this change. Bam. She told me to get out and stay out of their lives for at least five years. Also that I needed therapy (man was she right there), and that if her making my kids eat outside was so wrong she hated to think of what kind of a grandmother I would be one day. I told her I wasn't going to make any blubbering phone calls after this, and not to expect any letters of apology .. that this was probably the last to hear from me since she was kicking me out. I wasn't about to adhere to her orders and return in five years, as if being grounded for the whole summer as a child or something. Tit for tat, the narcs love to use, so NM said, "GOOD!! It's about time you got the message!!" So, you set a boundary with a narc who you'd spoiled and required not even the slightest ounce of respect in all the years past, and NOW you are going to see the wrath of GOD. As if you slapped her in the face and burned down her house.
Here what she's really telling me is that it doesn't matter if she never sees me again because now I'm requiring her to become accountable and to respect me. She throws in that it's amazing that I haven't figured out until now that she doesn't care one way or the other about me. I could go right then and never call or see her again and it would be fine. My poor dad was pleading with me to stay and try to fix this.. he said, "Wait. Don't. Hey. This with you and Ma can not NOT BE." And that's all this precious part borderline/all co-dependent father could manage to get out of his mouth. That and a long hug and kiss goodbye he did have for me. And, too, after that day and for the next eight years, he vowed to himself to spend the rest of his life trying to mend things with his kids somehow, and planned to divorce the NM. He even called a lawyer. I think she exposed a little too much real self during that kick-out and he saw NM's mask slip. Dad didn't like what he saw at all and wanted out.
She pulled out all the stops and tricked him with his own religion. That's right the Narc Strikes Back, and religion is always on the narcs menu. It's a great and powerful weapon of choice. NM became a convert to the Catholic religion. My father's religion from birth that the NM refused to have anything to do with over the years, and indeed badmouthed this church and it's followers their whole married life.
When the GC was a baby and my dad came from the Korean War, he took the NM's hand in his and pulled her to the nursery. He knelt down on his knees at the crib of the sleeping baby and wanted to pray for her protection and give thanks for having her and this beautiful life. The NM jerked her hand away and refused to kneel or to pray. Instead, she laughed, "huh!! If you think I'm going to be so stupid to believe that bunk you've got another thing coming!! Ha! Get off your knees." He never forgot that and never mentioned his religion again, but he was devout in a quiet way to himself all those years. Very serious man of God. NM told me that story by the way, not Dad. She lies so much but in this case I imagine it's just about accurate. My dad would want to kneel and pray at the crib of his baby - that is the way he was raised. The stories he told were very much that way from his home with his mother and brothers and sisters. And in later years I became friends with his sister who told me stories matching this behavior about how they were raised. After Dad's death, his brother also told me about his mother kneeling beside the bedside of her children and grandchildren every night and praying for them and with them.
My dad prayed for me and my siblings every night quietly with his bible in hand until his death. NM told me that, but I knew it. I knew him better than she thought I did. And he knew me. And she hated that.
Years later after this kitchen incident and just before getting kicked out at age 36, I had a retirement party for my dad in my new home in Wilkes-Barre, PA. My Sarah Jasmine was the baby and I was almost 33. All my dad's relatives were invited from all over the country. It was a really nice big and special party for Dad. Kahled catered the whole event and everyone was amazed with the food and his special roasted, carved and then put back together whole turkey, dressed with cherries and other fruits on the buffet table. There was music and my two boys performed "Popcorn Poppin on the Apricot Tree" for them, dressed in adorable suits and ties. There was a circus tent professionally erected in the yard and the day was lovely. It was after that wonderful day that the NM cornered me on a visit back at their place in Nichols NY.
Everyone was telling the NM how beautiful the party was and how lovely a daughter my dad had for giving him such a gift. This I think was about killing her because her next narc deal sealed her fate with me. She had me drive her to Corning NY for the day and this way I was a captive audience for her mouth to trash everyone in the family including my dad. But her plan was greater than the usual triangulation, manipulation and control. She waited for the right moment to release her best plan yet to destroy the relationship I had with my dad.
I brought up about how the party was so much fun and that I still hear from Aunt Ethel, Dad's sister, who came from Florida just to be at the party with us and to see her brother. I didn't know that every time I mentioned that party it was like an ice pic in NM's ear, so I went on reminiscing.
Because NM's a covert narc, you don't know what she's really thinking until you get the punishment later, and even then you don't know why or what for. Anyway, I said, "Hey. How about you guys coming down for the weekend of such and such holiday." NM turns to me like Linda Blair on the Exorcist and says without missing a beat, "Your father isn't coming to your house ever again because the last time he was there Khaled spoke Arabic with his friends and Dad couldn't understand." Turns out, in trying to get away from Khaled and his friends speaking a language which excluded him, Dad moved to the next room. Them, being of a collectivist culture, they followed him and resumed their native tongue after a time again. He moved again and they followed again. It's kind of a cute and funny story, but anything small and innocent to normal people, to a narc is a a disaster. Huge insult!! Making my dad out to be a total mental case .. NM said he was thoroughly annoyed and insulted, and that he's never ever going back to my home ever again. And when the NM or my dad, for that matter, says NO or NEVER AGAIN. That's what it is. There is no going back or change of heart. EVER. That's the way it's always been.
I. Was. Crushed. In absolute disbelief and shock. Just couldn't wrap my head around what I was hearing. Sick even. Just sick. NM was fine. She only added that she's not going to be put in the position of telling him he's invited somewhere he's never intending to go ever again. Notice the narcissistic slight of hand here. NM makes it like she's put in the middle here between two crazy people and SHE'S setting boundaries that it's inconvenient for her when they are invited because he's told her he's not ever going to my house again. You know what? This NEVER made a lick of sense to me. My dad NEVER said anything even close to this to me. Just so you know, if it doesn't make sense, a narc is behind it with lies. I'm sure that Dad NEVER said this to the NM. He couldn't. He wouldn't. But, she was really trying to divide and conquer with him and me because of her jealousy of his love for me - his pride in me and my kids, and his joy about the retirement party.
I returned home from this visit with the kids just sick and Khaled of course once again picked up the pieces, and being the great husband and father that he is, his way of lifting the mood and having fun with the kids and me really did help. I decided then and there that something had to be done about me going overboard to be a dutiful and loving daughter, yet the response is ever more negative and confusing. I was going to set my boundaries with the NM and since she had my dad on a short leash the boundaries would be for them together.
So this is when the above kick out happened... they actually moved and then I made my move:
They were moving to Lowman, NY after selling my dad's house in Nichols, NY to our niece. This was when I, on the NM's insistence of my visiting the new place, decided to leave my kids home. I was never bringing them again. The new place was not for kids. It was a trailer home and small and NM already complained repeatedly about my one year old "ruining" her window sills (not with toys mind you .. with his fingers) in the house my dad and my little sister built in Nichols, NY.
This new place in Lowman was stripped and refinished to great pains and detail, and I wasn't about to subject my kids to being placed in a chair and then made to eat outside which is what she did to them (and I allowed it ugh) in Nichols, NY. Back at the house in Nichols, NY, once they begged to come inside with us because of the mosquitoes, and I told them to stop leaning on the screen. JUST like the NM. I couldn't believe how, like a robot, I treated my kids like she wanted them treated in her home. Awful.
So, like I said, I drove to Lowman NY alone, set my boundary, and the NM suffered grave narcissistic injury.
Funny thing when she kicked me out, I realized it must have been all planned because when I went out to the car,.she came out and told me that she wanted me to load into my car with these things I'd given her over the years. This was all gifts from me to her which came with them on the move, but she parked them in the tool shed. I was crying and destroyed as she marched back and fourth between the tool shed and the car with lamps, crystal, pictures and frames, heirlooms from Egypt, (not the gold lol that she has a small pot of), and more. It filled the backseat of my Subaru Justy. All of the things were gifts I'd given her over the years, not to be returned ever. Pictures in beautiful frames (because she would never hang them up if I didn't' buy the frame) of her own grandchildren! Given back. It was a typical NM slap in the face. All because I was setting boundaries and enforcing them.
My dad was quiet but he did say he didn't want this to happen to "Ma and you" and that was huge. It was against her. Co-dependents like him often don't do conflict resolution. Years earlier, when I'd first married Khaled, on the weekly visits then, NM would torture me about how inferior the Arabs are and did I know that they circumcise the girls against their will and they are dirty and they are this and that.(all lies) didn't I think of all of this before marrying him? Oh, she read this book by an Israeli woman about Egypt and this is from where she formed her opinion, she admitted, and added I should read the book. Anyhow, during these "sessions" my dad would get up from the table and walk away.. go right to his bed and stay there until the next day when he got up early for work. This was the avoidant co-dependent behavior he used when the narc was attacking or plotting even. It makes co-dependents uncomfortable and paralyzed to do the right thing.
Following the births of my children the NM continued on all visits with, "You know, these Arabs steal the children and you'll NEVER get them back!!" Even though I was learning the language and knew my way around Cairo and the neighborhood and I knew the neighbors there .. all that and anything else I said to prove this couldn't happen and wouldn't happen because Khaled really loves them - didn't matter... she continued. Righteous indignation non-stop until you didn't' defend yourself and your husband anymore. It could be until 2 or 3 in the morning. I would be shaking from the inside of my whole body and begging her to stop. She was evil.
I know now it was all on purpose, and I guess it did something for her watching me shake and beg and run to the bathroom with IBS. Didn't matter either that Khaled was the best husband actually that anyone could ever have. And that's the point. It was obvious that I'd made actually an excellent choice in a husband (by chance on my part.... divinely ordained on Khaled's) but I wasn't all defensive about it - I seriously didn't think Khaled would do any of those awful things, but I wasn't all knowing and didn't pretend to be. I was happy then and willing to enjoy life and our marriage and family day by day.
Only it was painful introducing doses of Narc exposure two or three times a month, two - three days at a time. Sucker for punishment or desperate for a mother's love and approval. Desperate for an easy flowing loving relationship to be openly allowed between Dad and me and my kids and their grandparents. Nothing was allowed. Everything and everyone and all situations were CONTROLLED.
I learned that maybe I was controlling in part by going back and trying to love her into releasing some of that awful control.. I tried to show her how to love... It was grandiose of me to think that my love could with stand this, and further it could turn her behavior around. Things were going to get better. If only I brought even greater gifts, was more patient and understanding, was better at reading minds. Seriously.
The reality is the NM's a narcissist. The condition doesn't get better. I did try my best and tried way too hard, way too long, but what I know now I know for absolute sure. Narcs do not love anyone. They do not believe in the hereafter. Not having real beliefs in a creator makes it easier for the NM to torture the children, or in our case the child that her husband talks about lovingly and with pride. At that time, I was in constant contact so I was the child Dad talked about then. I know now by the treatment that I received from the NM when I married Khaled, when I gave birth, and when I had the retirement party for Dad, he was speaking of me often and kindly.
The truth of the matter is that my dad loved Khaled and me and spoke of us in that way to the NM often which made her jealous - and to stop this whole pain in the ass loving situation, the NM came up with that whopper of a lie about Dad being mad at Khaled and never coming to my house again. It was a total lie. THAT'S why it never made sense no matter the million ways you sliced it - it just was what I now call "A narc thing."
If it's confusing - seems totally out of the blue and just does not add up - BAM- You can bet a narcissist is behind it. Before this realization, I was comforted by my dying father whose deathbed declaration put an end to the confusion for me. I knew in my heart that day that he never said a disparaging remark about Khaled.
My dying father's last words to me were, "I want you to know. 'Kaylerd' is the best man I ever knew in my whole life." I smiled so contentedly and thanked him. He told me to thank Allah because he sent me the most wonderful man ever.
It was then that I finally knew for sure that my dad NEVER said that absurd thing about not coming to my house ever again because of Khaled. I knew it.
Now, more and more things that were confusing over decades past are beginning to make sense, or probable sense.
Dad never said a single word against my Khaled. It was a lie. A mean, potentially, life changing lie.
Divide and conquer. It's a Narc thing. But, it doesn't work when unconditional love is a part of the equation. NM must have felt frustrated not understanding the concept of unconditional love. Therefore, when even the meanest lies were believed by both parties, neither one of us reacted to each other negatively. Both of us just took it as a quirk or something that was hurtful, but any behavior or situation or happening can't compare to unconditional love. Narcs don't get that love is permanent. Situations are temporary, happenings come and go, feelings can be hurt, but love remains.
Narcissists will never know the joy of love.
You can divide all you want and have some success, but you can never conquer love.
I was 50 when my dad died so I can tell you that I saw the NM try to take away the love my dad had for me the whole 50 years with every single trick and narc tantrum and threat in her arsenal, and it never happened. It isn't possible.
First kick out age 19, second kick out age 34 on holiday in Myrtle Beach, third kick out age 36 Lowman NY, last kick out age 49 Ocala Florida. Narcs like the kick out, but, "I'm still here you bastards"..lol.. Taken from Papilon in French Guiana prison camp.
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