Khaled Shines the Light

What and or who was it that lit your path along the way?  

My grandfather lit the way for me the first two years of life.  He gave me so much love and attention that I still remember everything about him.  What he looked like, the clothes he wore, how his hands were chubby, and where is favorite chair was on the back porch of the farmhouse.  He had a slaughter house and I remember he smelled like sawdust because they used that to sprinkle on the floors before sweeping.  Grandpa died before I turned three.  It was devastating.  I understood, and this was a great loss.

My grandmother, his wife also lit my way in different places over the course of my youth and very young adult life.  She was in a precarious position though, being the mother of my narcissistic mother.  NM's are very jealous, and Grandma knew this so she tread very carefully about how far she would go to be a source of emotional support.  Still, she was clever enough to figure a way to walk that wire while both being kind to me and not igniting NM's punishments.  Whew.  Thank god.  I only realize now how I escaped THAT upset by Grandma's great brain and awareness.

My father was a constant source of both support and emotional agony.  Although love never hurts, I know he loved me.  I think that he really didn't realize his parenting style was damaging.  Being told often that you are "Dumb dumb dumb" is bad enough, but another thing, he was paranoid.

NM had my dad convinced that it is normal for children to try to drive the parents apart and she encouraged him to be cruel in his tone and attitudes with me and my siblings.  It was a clash with what he really wanted for his children, but he believed the NM.

I remember when a family from up the street experienced a divorce.  Dad worked with the father of this family at the Ingersol Rand in Athens, Pa.  He would come home with updates at dinnertime, and over and over the NM would say things like "You see!!  I told you all kids want to drive their parents apart.  Look at that Linda (the eldest child in the family divorcing).  She not only drove them apart, but now she's going to drive out his new wife!!  Mark my words."  My Father would nod his head and agree that she must be right.

Me and my siblings would clean our plates and walk on eggshells to keep from being accused of trying to tear apart our parents.  Think about it.  What child would EVER want to do such a thing??  Isn't that always the worse thing about a divorce?

But my dad made me a fishing pole and he took us to the beech.  He played Santa once, and taught me how to drive.  He came to my horse shows and listened to my endless horse stories.  And he took me to buy my first brand new car and co-signed for the loan.  So he was intermittently very supportive.  I loved him.

In between all of those things that my dad  did for me over the course of 20 years, NM would punish the both of us.  So the light shinning on my path was half blown out most of the time after the death of my grandfather.

I picked up a torch after 20 and started shinning my own way.  I mean who of us in a dysfunctional family didn't ??

It's a lonesome feeling being miles away from home, contemplating divorce and knowing that you can't call home because NM doesn't care, and if Dad did, she'd punish us both for it.  It (I) would cause trouble (needing support), should I call home.

In the first of three major depressions to follow over my lifetime, I forced myself to get out and get a job.  Working like a zombie, barely making it, I managed to do it.  I was able to hold down that job even without proper sleep and still being very depressed.  It was a miracle.  I made more money than my husband was and he was asking me for money for his drinking habit.

I wasn't working to pay for a drinking habit. I was working to save money and GET OUT and get a divorce.  That I did.

Khaled walked right into my life.  He shone a beautiful light on my path from then on.  He took that torch from my hand and polished it all up, filled it with fresh fuel, and lit it high and bright.  My depression totally lifted.  I was never so loved in my whole entire Life!!

When I wasn't looking, the most wonderful loving man came into my life and wanted ME.  He loved everything about me... Just the way I was.  Just the way I am.

Khaled I love you.  Thank you for shinning a fresh light on a jagged path even when I was falling...... Even when I was dying..... Even when I was leaving...
Not only when things were wonderful, it was steadily throughout the 30 years of our marriage that my sweet sweet Khaled has lovingly carried that torch for the both of us.

For all of us...   He, Me, Khaled, Joey, and Sarah Jasmine, and Sittoo.