You'd be surprised the amount of excuse making and covering up in your own mind one can muster in order to hold onto someone you want to love

"Some days there just aren't enough rocks"

So now I know:

The first fifty years of my life were littered with confusion over the state of my family of origin.

In a dysfunctional family, specifically, the narcissistic family of origin, there is a cast of characters to which you belong.

There is the Narcissistic parent, the enabler parent, the golden child, the scapegoat child, and the lost children.

The narcissist remains the narcissist over all the years of his/her life, but the other characters in the cast do sometimes play sliding roles.  The golden child usually remains golden until the death of the narcissistic parent, however, it is not uncommon for the golden child to go no contact for a period of time, requiring a temporary stand-in golden child to emerge.  This has to be one of the lost children.  One of the lost, then, dutifully steps in and becomes "golden," serving the narcissist best, reaping the rewards.

The scapegoat over the years can become lost and the lost can become scapegoat - the roles are easily interchangeable.  But for the most part the roles are cast early on and are the same at the finish of the life of the narcissist.

Everyone dutifully plays their role in order for the family to function perfectly, under the control and manipulation of the narcissistic parent.

In an effort to appear normal, the narcissistic parent singles out one child to be the scapegoat. This child shoulders all of the blame for the unhappiness, confusion, and craziness the family is experiencing as a result of the narcissists self-centered behaviors. "If so and so weren't so much trouble or so crazy, our family would be just fine."

It's well known how some psychopaths have fooled families,  whole communities, countries, and too, the entire world.  Hitler, Mussolini, and many others. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, fooled all of the professionals on his case right up until the very end of his trial.  And there are others just like him who did and are doing the same.

These people are Narcissistic/Psychopaths - Planners - control freaks - liars - with a fairly high degree of intelligence.  The same description I would give my NM. ( Narcissistic mother).  They entertain themselves and get by in life by any means, morally/immorally, ethically unethically, and legally/illegally in order to serve their interests.

The thing is, the research and percentage figures on these kinds of people is flawed because it is difficult to get the average housewife who is a psychopath to come forward and be tested. The research currently centers on those that have been incarcerated, some on leadership, and studies also show how they are concentrated in clergy and on Wall Street in NYC where the stock market thrives with the average psychopath's zero empathy and cut throat attitude to win.

Dr. Robert Hare talks about all of this in his book Snakes in Suits and there are a few others but not very many.

 In recent years, there is a resurgence in the interest of the everyday psychopath and that's where my blog comes in.

More recent authors are Thomas Sheridan from Dublin Ireland with Puzzling People ...the laberynth of the psychopath, and Sam Vaknin from Israel, whose works do cover the garden variety psychopath.

Interesting point:  Sam Vaknin is a diagnosed Malignant Narcissist/Psychopath himself and I might add exactly the kind of person I would avoid at any and all costs.  However, he is the best versed on the subject I have ever read or seen.  He keeps his image intact by the fact that he makes it clear that his books are not as much to help anyone as they are to be his income source.  And what better and easier way for him to make money than to write about himself and his behaviors and how they are meant to affect others.

Vaknin's wife, Lidia, by the way, is a Narcissist also, but a covert/inverted/narcissist.  This person MUST be involved with another malignant narcissist at the very least, but better if he/she is a sociopath or psychopath, because the covert narcissist wants to be abused.

Bam.  and that's my sister, golden child, covert narcissist Linda, now inverted narcissistic grandmother.  In this blog is a photo of her I found online. It is the one that she was first posting to introduce her first grand baby to the world.  It was a nice photograph of her, however the baby's head is nearly cut off from view.  I posted this photo in an effort to explain, visually, the train of thought of the narcissist.  Whether or not it was a good idea or example I guess is up to the person who is interested in the subject.

You see the covert narcissist is a sickening sweet kind of character.  And that's putting it literally because they are only that. - A character.  They are the role they are playing.  This had me confused for decades because I wanted to believe that my sister was so sweet and kind as her mask assured, and I pushed away instead, her behaviors.  You'd be surprised the amount of excuse making and covering up in your own mind one can muster in order to hold onto someone you want to love.

My dad wasn't as good at the excuse making for the golden child as he was for the NM, and he pretty much saw through Linda's facade from day one.  I guess being the golden child and being pitted against him by the NM could have had something to do with it, but for sure he wasn't so fooled by her as I was.

I remember my dad warned me to stay clear of Linda and her deals years ago, and I assured him I never fell for any of her deals. I didn’t know then if she was crazy or sick, but I knew she was something.

So Now I Know:
Now I know.  She is a covert narcissist like the NM.  She trolls for marks at church where her intentions are sadly exploitative.  It is this very thing about her that confused me. This is because she wears a kindness mask.  A sickening Sweet Little Linda mask. But I was a fool.  A loving, hopeful fool.  Right up until the last moment with Linda.  I wanted to go and hug her even after her rejecting my hug the very night before.

You want to believe in those you love and grew up with no matter how confusing reality seems next to them and their behaviors.

But that's what this journey of healing has been all about. Facing the confusing - Admitting the ludicrous, and surrendering to what IS with self love, self respect, and forgiveness of self.

Forgiveness of others was and is still pretty much something I try to do on the spot. As for any lingering rottenness of the NM and the GC for example, it's easy to forgive them.  All the wrongs they do/did to me were for personal gain.  And with narcissists, nothing is personal where others are concerned.  Your "Person" doesn't enter into the equation. - You are collateral damage.  It's business, not personal.

From the moment you are cast in the family of the narcissist, you are a part of an on-going illusion (fanciful vision or false impression) of the family's condition. This is because all the the power and control are with the narcissist who lies, manipulates, and triangles with enablers until reality becomes illusion.

There comes that long awaited time when you find clarity and truth.  In this time illusion is restored to reality and it doesn't satisfy any of the other players in the cast, except you.  That has to be okay, because after all, it is you my friend that matters here.  You matter.

You know without ever having to second guess yourself ever again that without a doubt your mother is a narcissist and she almost single handedly destroyed an entire family.  You know that if not for the power of the truth, you would
literally be DEAD due to all she and her enablers have done to destroy your mind, body, and soul.

So glare on GC ....  I can't see you glaring at me now...  and believe on lost child and spouses because what you are being told over and over and over for good measure by the narcissist is now between the narcissist and the wall.  I have removed myself.

I and my little sister.  The scapegoat and the lost child got away!!