I see him swimming, reading, laughing, building his house, dreaming of building a boat... wanting a yacht - being satisfied with neither.

True.  Yesterday is gone and today is a new day.  

With a new day is another chance to improve attitudes.  I have decided to accomplish the overtaking of the last hurdle in this recovery.

The last hurdle has to be the overwhelming sadness about my father's death. You know really it is more over, his life, illness, and death.  

I just couldn't get past how badly he was ripped off in life from birth until his last breath, literally.  The fact that this selfless man just never really lived before he died tormented me.

Although I knew from a very early age it wasn't my responsibility to help him with this, I wanted to.  For my whole life until his death this was a priority for me.  Any bit of happiness I could generate for him just filled me.  Nothing pleased me more much of the time than seeing this precious soul beam with happiness, pride, and joy - however short lived each moment was.

You all know that it never failed, no matter what happiness I could bring or anything wonderful that happened upon his life, the NM promptly took it away.  Or should I say at this point, he allowed her to do so.  Either way, it is jealousy that was the culprit there.  Pure unadulterated childish, hateful, jealousy.  Not only of me, but of every child that belonged to him, of every friend he ever had, of every place he ever went, of every job he ever did, and of every single relative who showed any love for him.

That last paragraph,.... should I be foolish enough now to go into detail, could go on for  another six million words, but I will spare us all. 

The fact is that after his death, I allowed the sadness of all of that to keep me trapped in a tortured memory of the man who I loved so much.  You know what? That's just wrong.  I want to remember him without being sad for him and for me - for us.  I want to remember him without the attached memories of the monster he chose to marry, have children with, and stay with until the end.

And so I am clearing my mind.  I am remembering him now in segments of memories.  

I see him with the fishing pole he made me from bamboo at the pond in Rome, PA... telling me to "Hold it this way".....  I see him at the kitchen table eating his eggs and toast all cut up into little tiny chunks cut this way and that and then cutting mine for me. I see him putting his shoes on for work, my little sister in the highchair, as he smiled at both of us.  

I see him finding the little note I left for him on the kitchen table in Athens, PA when I was 8 years old "Dear Daddy, I love you. Do you love me?  Yes or No? Circle one"...  I see him laughing about me and saying that he wouldn't trade me for a horse.  I see him teaching me how to drive a car...  I see him taking me to purchase my first brand new car right off the new car lot at age 17....  I see him giving me advice about work and money and life... I see him telling me about Korea and the War and about his family and the old times....  I see him with my children, his grandchildren... making them breakfast when we slept over...

I see him swimming, reading, laughing, building his house, dreaming of building a boat... wanting a yacht - being satisfied with neither.  I see him happy for me that I have a good husband.  I see him loving our stories about Egypt and our family there.  I see him listening and understanding... 

When I think of my dad, I always remember how generous he was, and how he was forever happy for others who accomplished anything positive in their lives.  

I have made a conscious decision to disallow my thoughts of him to wander any further than this because otherwise the overwhelming negativity that surrounded his entire life will enjoy yet again life in me as it gnaws away at my happiness. 

Happiness.  It's a good thing.  So good that it deserves protection - at least for now.  

Very soon will be the day when I no longer have to consciously police even my own thoughts, and when that day dawns I will be here telling how it feels to be TOTALLY free.  

So far so good, friends.