Feeling thankful for being able to have my father again in my relationship with my son

A child needs a few really close, loving, trusting relationships in the formative years in order that he/she may grow properly.

Without such relationships and interactions, pathways and connections are not formed/fully formed.

With missing connections and deviated pathways, the brain struggles to make sense of the simplest things in life.

These things include the meaning of relationships, the reasons for happenings, the idea that we all have choices which will ultimately influence the direction our lives.

The most important to puzzle those with missing pathways and connections is love and the meaning of real love, as opposed to conditional love which is the opposite of love. This is - FEAR.

Since these folks struggle with love, they often accept the opposite, readily, which is fear - and their entire lives are driven by fear. This is where they feel comfortable - what they think they understand, and what motivates them.

I did make those early, positive-formative connections with my dad, a neighbor school teacher, and my grandmother.  Thankfully, although in so many ways even these weren't always present and therefore, sufficient enough - I managed to limp along through a failed first marriage and onto a successful second marriage, giving birth to and raising three children.

So, I have had this sort of struggle with building smoother pathways and better connections. But, it can be done and I have done it.

To this day those great early influences are never far from my thoughts and soul. They actually are with me always - and I refer to them in memory whenever I need to regroup to the beginning of me.

The intermediate connections are with my husband and his mother and one sister - and after that, my children.

I like to see those latter connections as a smoother to the choppy pathways on which I limped along for so long.  Finally, now, after five decades, I'd say those mental pathways are as complete as they are going to get before I leave this earth - and it's an okay thing that really I have, with determination, come this far.

This was my way.  Not necessarily a great or not so great way to become who I am.  It is the way that I needed to get to where I am - and that's okay.

I have no regrets about the first marriage, nor do I harbor ill feelings for the person with whom I was married.  About his family though, I cannot say the same.  His mother was a covert narcissist and two of his sisters, also. Not really wonderful experiencing life surrounded by yet another narcissist, but I did learn heaps.

As far as my childhood and my FOO (family of origin), I have no personal regrets - not even for having loved the narcissistic mother who gave birth to me. Nor for the kindness and generosity I offered my entire FOO.  I learned way more than heaps from all of them.

My dad was a different story.  He was more than a learning experience. He was a precious loving, giving, and receiving experience from whom I took most of what makes me who I am. Turns out my dad is most of what makes my eldest son who he is also, and knowing this - seeing this - and feeling this makes me very happy.

I couldn't have my dad when he was alive for the most part as you all know, and I surely cannot have him now - but, I do have the essence of who he was, and I've passed that onto my children both genetically and emotionally.

I cannot imagine not having the presence of him. His presence is with me when I get up from the computer and begin to straighten up to walk - I feel just like he used to look getting up from his reclining chair to retrieve a cup of coffee from the kitchen.  I see him also in my eldest son's soft caring beautiful brown eyes, and in his generosity of kindness and spirit - and for goodness sake, his great ambition.

Feeling thankful for being able to have my father again in my relationship with my son.