6-10 in a hundred - So how is it that every single sibling married a narcissist at some point in their lives?

Debbie and Daddy

So let me go through this here.  I think after ten years, I have the narcissism figured out in my family of origin.

FOO:  Family of Origin.

NM:  Narcissistic Mother

Every single family member of the FOO had a very wounded inner child except for the the mother - matriarch. She had a wonderful childhood.  Strangely enough, though, she's the narcissist/psychopath. Characterized by planning and controlling... and planning and planning, and controlling.

My dad was severely neglected, emotionally and physically abused, and over worked as a child. He grew up with an avoidant, co-dependent personality type with borderline features.

His paranoia made relating difficult and this was purposely exacerbated by the NM. He was a lifetime anxiety sufferer and also an infrequent patient of depression.

The most generous person I ever knew with the biggest heart, my dad was a happy, hard worker. He had ambition, always a hop in his step and he went to work an hour early everyday.

 Dad enjoyed his work, but he was happiest when someone else reached a goal or received a wonderful gift.

His mother did right, though, by impressing on all the children the importance of practicing their religion - living it.  Being the best person they could be.

Even though the NM refused to allow any of us, including Dad, to attend the Catholic Church, dad kept that religion in his heart and practiced it daily, He was praying several times a day and reading the Catholic Bible regularly.  (In their elderly years) much later, Dad threatened to divorce NM for kicking me out of the family (again), and she finally did, then, use religion to win him back.

NM became a Catholic, and then the two of them attended church together.

She's the typical narc. though. Religion is for show for narcissists and in her case, psychopath ... But, man.  She could use that tool.

All his life I figure my dad was the living dead until he was dying, and that's when the rubber hit the road.  His days were numbered, literally, and there wasn't anymore time to waste playing along with the narc's games.

 He shut her off in his head, and started searching his mind for all the years of his life - A life review in preparation for his death  He watched baseball (which btw, NM never allowed on tv all the years I remember), or he'd stare out of the hospital picture window, rather than look at NM. It was then that he'd about figured her lies out, suspected her manipulations, and stopped participating in her triangulations. These were his last weeks when he called for his children, and I flew from Pennsylvania to Florida to be with him for three days.

First time in Dad's whole life to take his kids over the NM. You see with her, it was always her and him against us.  Then she'd have us against us. Him against us - you name it.  She was totally against harmony in the family. Love and caring and peace and harmony. Being altogether was not appealing to the NM.

NM proudly declared, "I rule the family by way of divide and conquer!!"  And THAT she did.  All our lives.

Now, the other person there in the photo. My little sister, Deborah, (Debbie).  I don't know which she prefers because she never said, but I like to call her Debbie since all our childhood I and everyone called her Deborah. I think Debbie fits her and although Deborah is a beautiful name, Debbie is just cuter.

Like all of us, Debbie was abused. Like all of us she's carried it with her throughout life. Difference is, she's trying to get better, now.

I think our whole FOO can exhibit borderline traits, and everyone has to have at least a healthy degree of narcissism, but I'm not going to try to diagnose her.

Debbie was the lost child.  Invisible.   And eventually was even made a ward of the State by the NM for no reason other than she wanted to do it to her - but mostly, NM didn't like sharing Dad with any of us, and that's why I was kicked out so many times (Dad and I had a nice relationship in between NM's lies and assaults about us). In our adult years, Debbie and I set out to write about all of this and she acquired her medical records from the state about when she was 13,14, and 15 - the years the NM had her placed in foster care.

We found that in order to get them to do this, the NM told the State a pack of lies about Debbie and her behaviors and mental state at the time, outlined in the records - Handwritten by a nurse for the State. Unbelievable.

But along with the other traits I mentioned earlier, there are trust issues with Debbie, (I don't know to what degree she trusts herself) - but it would be proportionate to the degree by which one can trust others. Some Judgement, control, and paranoia. Unlike me who examines things in great detail, Debbie tends to avoid the details and the knowing. There's a kind of disconnect and compartmentalization, these lead to confusion and cognitive dissonance.

Not saying there's a huge problem or any disorder - I'm not of course a doctor - but like all of us, as adult children of narcissistic and or psychopathic mothers, there are a host of little problems to be tweaked.

Our dad nearly died over Debbie being turned over as a ward of the State by the NM.  I remember his drinking and depression.  NM was in her glory.  I was alone, confused, sad, watching, I know one thing.  I DID NOT rock the boat. NM's SLAVE.

I want to talk about Dad's avoidant behavior.

NM, of course, lied to Dad, also, to get him to go along with sending Debbie away, but he knew his children outside of what the NM triangled and lied to him about.  I find it difficult to understand how he let so many of her worst assaults happen.

Other than the Foster/State issue, at the time, I didn't figure NM was lying.  I believed her lies too, then, so I was just as bad. But, I wasn't the parent.  I don't get how he let her abuse his children. Especially knowing how much he loved us.

In my adult years, NM would hammer on me about the Arabs and the Jews because my husband is Egyptian. And this was every single visit to her place, and my dad would just stand up and go to bed early. I would be trying to defend the truth and or beg her to finally just stop.  To no avail.

I was so disappointed when Dad would go to bed early because I drove three hours to see him and really that's the part of the visit I most enjoyed. My conversations with Dad.  Off he'd go, and he'd get up 3-4 in the morning to go to work that hour early.  I wouldn't see him til 4 in the afternoon and then he'd do the same thing that night. I know he enjoyed our conversations as much as me, but if NM started in - that was it.  He'd disappear without a word.  It was a disappointment.

Now me, I was falsely diagnosed with bi-polar then correctly diagnosed with ADHD.  I have had major depressive episodes so you could say I have a depressive disorder.  I also have carried some borderline traits in the past. The healthy narcissism, I had to work to acquire. I was the furthest degree away from selfishness to the point I was selfless much of the time in the past. I have had addiction issues with food.  If  I were able to drink, I might have likely end up with a problem with that also.

But then, Debbie and I went no contact from the FOO and we got free around the age of fifty. Yeah, you guys.. do it earlier if you can!!  I am very happy now.  Best thing I ever did. Sadly, it is.

I worked on these issues myself for five solid years all day everyday, an
d then went to therapy to cap off the recovery. I have since recovered from addictions, low self worth, depression, and anxiety.  I NEVER thought I'd ever be able to say that, but now I can!!

I have learned to love myself and also how to best communicate .. both in having a voice and in listening to hear.

It's amazing how such deep seated woundedness can be healed even at age fifty. And like magic how quickly the healing happens after you go no contact from all toxic people.

Everytime I write that, I think of my dad and wish so bad he'd done that for himself. But, it was his choice. I would have been here for him. I just shake my head.

People, if you are out there still with the narcissist:  Just know that you need to realize that what you know about family members is what your own interactions with them shows you. NOT what the NM says or has others say to you.

I think my dad realized this the last two weeks of his life. He was no longer seeing me through my mother's mouth - he was realizing that in looking at me and being with me - THAT was me.  All of me.  I'm grateful for that, anyway.

Now we have a golden child elder sister and a scapegoat/lost child brother also.

Linda, the GC covert narcissist:  This is a sickening sweet inverted kind of narc. They cannot live without a narc in their lives. Totally answers my question about what's the matter with her ex whose still in her life. Also, why NM likes him so much. They are both pathological. One is a sociopath and the other a psychopath. Long story. But not for today.

Linda is a liar by omission and by pretense.  Also blatantly she will lie when it serves her. Taking money from Habitat for Humanity, telling the NM lies about me, tried to get Khaled to invest in some con thirty years ago for a couple thousand dollars.  Always up to some scam.  Scams the elderly at church .. brings them home and tells them to move in with her.  She'll take them in, but what she does is take their money and then does nothing for them.  And worse if she doesn't like them she drops them off at a motel and drives back home. She's a righteous indignant southern Christian in a battle with the Devil. The look she gave me the last time I saw her, made me think she's spending too much time with this Devil. It was very scary. Oh I could type pages about this interesting covert/inverted narcissist golden child but yeah, not really wanting to give her that much time or thought.

Joey:  My brother. I feel so sorry for him, even though the last time I saw him he was mean to me.  Oh, btw, I just scoffed.  Now I'm shaking my head.  Jesus Christ. All this coldness and rottenness resonates from the NM.  She was there right in the middle of all of this meanness happening to Debbie and me, happy as a clam.

Anyway, Joey  harbors rage. Scary rage. He is dysfunctional, and socially inept like us all to a degree. He isolates and I think he has also a history of depression, and I would say anxiety for sure. He has addiction issues with alcohol and marijuana. He believes the NM 's lies at face value.  Hook, line, and sinker. It's sad to see Joey following NM around now that dad's dead. He's all happy to have a "mother" he thinks for the first time in his life. He just wants to be happy. It's an illusion waiting to destroy him but I don't have the heart to spell all of this out for him - nor would he listen or believe a this point because of NM's smear campaign against Debbie and me.

I find it fascinating that Linda doesn't believe NM's lies but she doesn't care that they are lies. She told us she's shunning me just because she wants to be there for HER mom and believe her mom (who's lying about me).  Makes no sense.  Linda said,  "I don't care if they are lies or not. I want to believe MY mom."   Left me and Debbie out in the cold right after our father's death.

The thing is, narcissists raise narcissists and borderlines and damaged people - and they destroy spouses.  Adult children of narcissistic mothers often attract narcissists and borderlines.

I couldn't believe the abuse the golden child, Linda, put up with over the years from that sociopath ex, AND she beammed with delight from the abuse. I remember talking with Dad and the two of us were trying to figure her out.  We came up with .. could she be a masochist?  But, no.  It's a covert/inverted narcissist. BAM. That's what she is.  They prefer to be with and or marry a narcissist. If not, at the very least they have to be in an abusive relationship. Linda took it one step further, and married a sociopath.

Covert narcs are sickening sweet. The model church leader. The pillar of the community. High functioning for a time. Long enough to set up a good scam. They LOVE narcissists.  They love being abused.  They are entitled like other narcs, they lie - BUT, they are not the same as psychopaths. They love psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists.

The difference between a psychopath and a sociopath.  A sociopath does things on impulse, and are less discerning.

 A psychopath plans and plans.  My NM is a psychopath - she is not the least impulsive.

Interesting bit:  Of all the siblings = adult children of the FOO:  We all married into narcissistic families at some point.

In 1981, I, the scapegoat, married an alcoholic, the son of a narcissistic mother - enabler father. He has a malignant narcissistic older sister and a covert narcissistic little sister. The marriage didn't work out pretty much right away and I got OUT.

Khaled found me right then and I've been loved ever since.

But back to the siblings.

Linda fell deeply in love with a sociopath right out of highschool - a real Charles Manson kind of guy. Scary looking guy.  She told me he had her doing unethical things to pay for their IV drug use.

He died of brain cancer and she found the current sociopath with whom she gave birth to two children.  Her eldest son is a narcissist and her youngest son is not.

Debbie the little sister, the lost child -  married a bigot the first time - a mean bigot - but I don't know about any pathology with him.

The second time, Debbie married a narcissist, but she didn't know he was a narcissist even as we were uncovering the truth about narcissists at the time.

Joey married a narcissist but she is the dumbest narcissist I ever saw in my life.  Gawd ... she is stupid and she never ever shuts up.  Talks about nothing.  Awful.  She would fall under the kind of narc that isn't fully responsible.  I mean I think most narcs love being narcs and are awful people but she's all the things narcs are with NAH .... LOOK!! What am I saying?  She's probably a covert narcissist lol.

Goes to show you though... although, narcissists are only 6-10 in a hundred, they are concentrated in families and extended families of adult children of narcissists. It's just a fact.

It's familiarity.  You were comfortable and recognized a certain something about the narc on the first meeting that made the two of you click.

But, now we know the signs, and all the red flags, the gut feelings, and even the hair that stands up on our necks like prey for the predator.

 Now we know.  And now we GO.