Dealing with the Return of Anexity

Dealing with Anxiety  - and It's Brief Return

I thought this problem was long gone and finished for me, but the fact is that as we are healing, when confronted with opportunities to respect ourselves with the placing of healthy boundaries in long term relationships, we can be faced with negativity instead of cooperation.

Here's what happened recently to me.

I told Khaled who is packing to leave for Egypt actually just after tomorrow, that I might not go to Egypt and that maybe since we are thinking to sell our place there, he should start bringing  back my things little by little.  Furthermore, I said, " I'd rather spend the money you were going to spend on my ticket for Egypt,  here in the States, visiting my children."

He shut that down.  How does he do this over the years?  He uses money.  He told me what makes me think he's paying for my trip anywhere?  I should be saving the money he gives me for housewares, food, toiletries, and gifts for that.

Only a few weeks ago, he was asking me when he should buy my ticket for Egypt.  He was hoping to go during the week I'm typing this.  I wasn't sure when I would go but for sure not now.  That was fine, so he bought his ticket and he was going to buy mine whenever I decided to go.

Usually he's is a fair person, so of course this caused me to experience cognitive dissonance which shot my mind's experience into a post traumatic stress shift.

Then I experienced everything I used to when I suffered from anxiety.  From the shaking that you just cannot stop, to the bewilderment, finally exhaustion .

When I first started experiencing anxiety and free floating anxiety, I remember exactly where I was and who it was that was pounding on my mind at the time.

It was the NM.  Over and over and over she would drill about the Arabs and the Jews and how could I marry an Arab man.  Don't I worry he will take the children to Egypt and run?  All kinds of inaccurate accusations about Arabs and propagandized information pounded onto my soul.  All the while I was defending my husband and myself and the whole Arab nation with the limited book knowledge I had at the time, with my wealth of  first hand knowledge as well.

As the NM continued, my sides would begin to shake and then to my back all down to the small of my back where the anxiety would set in like the combination of a jack hammer in the street and the drill of a dentist.  As this is happening I am crying and begging her to just let it go, just stop.  She continues and I get cramps.  Sweat pours from my hands and I am driven by pain to the bathroom where bright yellow bile shoots to the bowl.

I return to the NM and she continues... the anxiety remains ..  until the visit is over and I am about two hours into the trip home.  Driving late .. midnight blue sky and quiet, I tell myself it feels so much better to be going to my home away from her.  On the other hand I tell myself she's my mother.  I will always respect her.  There is my father there who is not like her and if I bring more things, better things she might like, or if I say the right things, or if I work more when I'm there, maybe next time will be better, and we can have a relationship - all of us .. the kids can have grandparents here in the United States.

Now it's three hours and I have already repeated and dissected to myself in the car all of the abusive things she said to me.  I still cannot understand WHY she is saying these things and for what reason.  BUT now I feel somewhat better. The shaking is now a deep hum.

And that's how the anxiety all began.  I was 25-35. It was that decade I foolishly allowed the NM to do the most damage.  I took it on like a camel does a whole family's  burdens all across the dessert.  I was going to be the good and dutiful daughter even if it killed me.

And it almost did.

Between the ages of 45 - 50, I was hospitalized over and over and over for physical problems, including one near death experience and just under a week in the intensive care unit.

It was the near death experience that was my wake up call.

I have been on a quest for emotional healing from the ages of 50 - 55.  That brings us up to date.

The physical problems are nearly resolved all by dealing with the emotional traumatic events and the aftermath that followed.  I have lost over a hundred pounds since going no contact with the NM and didn't diet after the initial 6 months on Atkins.  The weight fell off on it's own after a life-long binge eating disorder was totally healed.

So when I experience anything that feels like the NM's poundings, the anxiety is triggered back.  Thankfully, Khaled is nothing like the NM so I am rarely triggered. But, yesterday was an exception.

I went to bed with the anxiety and slept without distractions for hours and hours and hours .. then through the whole night, and then half of today.

That's how taxing anxiety is on your body.  In my youth I was strong enough to keep going ... taking care of the house, husband, kids,  a job, and more.. all while fighting it.  Now, though, I am fortunate to have the opportunity to deal with it, instead.  

I sit here typing now without being the least bit anxious or experiencing any of the shaking, drilling, or even the humms..

Just curious though, will Khaled ever be interested in learning any of this?  Seems to me if he knew how this all made me feel, he might decide to stop playing these games over money.

How will he know how I feel as a result of mind games unless he is open enough to hear and interested enough to care?

I tried to explain this to Khaled earlier, but when I looked up again as I was speaking to him, he was gone.  He had walked out of the room in search of medicine for his allergy.  I had been speaking to the walls.

I realize how much this man is able to care about the reality of the situation.

Question is:  What do I do now?

Well I know what I am not going to do.  I'm not a victim.  I have not to complain.   I am going to do what is good and right for me. Continuing this healing path,  attracting to my life positive experiences.

Khaled is adorable.  He is an adorable child, half asleep.  I'll always love him.

I have to know that when the time is right he will hear me about this.  Until then I hear myself, and I care about myself.  That's what counts most.

But, yeah I wanted to share how we can be gong along in recovery and all of the sudden life challenges us with these things.  Instead of seeing this as stepping backward, I see it as a continuation in the recovery.

I imagine life will offer me all kinds of opportunities to continue to grow - And that's a good thing.