If someone comes off as superficial and self centered in the beginning, don't lie to yourself in order to stop the cognitive dissonance!!

NO REGRETS NO ANGER JUST CLARITY

If your gut tells you NO,. Listen heart emoticon

Take a person(s) met decades ago from whom I got a bad first impression, but to be "fair" I tried very hard to second guess my gut:

There has to be clarity and distinction between second guessing one's self in order to be fair, and simply realizing that negativity can in no way ever be respected. Negative actions don't qualify for the fairness clause when evaluating relationships or potential relationships. 

It's really useful to discern what falls under negativity and what is simply another's choices which differ from one's own.

If someone is being manipulative, though, by way of their words or actions, there is no wiggle room for second guessing.

So, dishonesty, then would be the first thing. In-authenticity falls under this umbrella, as does partial authenticity favored by covert manipulators.

Under this are,  false personas and superficiality. my favorite way to tell this is that for these types, (It's all about how it looks) . These folks care deeply about how others perceive them. It is essential they appear important, in control, of more means than is true, or more to the point - better means than the 'others' with whom they are dealing. Oh, not to forget the somatic narcissist who worships his/her own body and just can't wait for the chance to flaunt it.  In case any of them are reading this ... just so you know...  "normal" people can't be bothered with your body.  Each person who is interested in personal growth and acceptance, cares first for all other things than your body!!

For these toxic types, things like humility, honesty, and authenticity are the weaknesses of others. In addition, the persons who values these, are assumed to be foolish by the superficial manipulator. The only intelligent persons in the room are those who don't show their hand, those who have all the power, and to achieve this, they must and do have all the control. (Those who are convincing liars and have a little crew of enablers behind them).

It's a bonus deal for toxic types when they come across the authentic person. First they jump on the fact that they are gong to profit in a myriad of ways from the target's honesty and willingness to please. Then the manipulator gets an on the spot instant reward. In their underestimation, the authentic person is beneath the manipulator.

Notice their instant gratification as they project onto the target an (less-than) inferior image. Usually the target 'feels' this negative projection right away. Unless they are aware of the workings of the mind of a manipulator, they will take on this projection in the moment and in future interactions with such a person.

When one is wrapped in this situation, it can be difficult to pinpoint just why things feel this way. A decent person hesitates to go with their gut which is telling them, "This person is superficial, unauthentic, seems void of natural feelings... and frankly dangerous to me".

Your gut tells you to back away, but before you listen to your gut, in the moments you are discerning, the manipulator is touching buttons in your mind, heart, and soul, with his/her words until something clicks with you - or they hit on a match to whatever it is that fits your needs - turns you on. When they see your neurons respond, they know they have you.

Afterward, you may still wonder... why did I feel such a way? Something isn't right. but then you tell yourself, "But they said this and this. I must be mistaken."

NO!! Your gut is never off.

Always follow your gut.

We are intelligent enough, we often start out right, being intuitive and getting it, but then it is in the non trusting of our own gut reactions where the trouble begins.

I have even fought my heart and went with my gut over the years, but eventually the manipulator still recovers and gets over.

Once I was fool enough to confess to a person in my life my first impression, and apologize for being judgmental. Yeah, it's not long after the successful bait and hook, a decades long scheme to profit in someway (by the sweat of your brow or tears of your heart or both), that you finally realize what it was all about. Of course followed by the thought "I should have listened to my own intuition."

 Another time, I did the same about my sister's narcissistic husband.  I confessed to her of my past impression of him and how sorry I was.  But, he showed again very soon that, no, I was right.  (You know these are times in your life when you sure would love to be wrong).

If the stakes are high enough, certain toxic types don't discourage easily. They can wait patiently for years to reap their rewards.

Best part is the healing and self awareness. I write this now without anger, but in gratitude. It feels really good to not be angry. Anything lost to toxic types I've figured out can be chalked up to an investment in self awareness. For some of us it costs more and takes longer, but that's all for good reason. And that's fine.

Finally, I have no regrets with regard to this issue!

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If someone comes off as superficial and self centered in the beginning, don't lie to yourself in order to stop the cognitive dissonance!!