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I faced it alright. I looked at that story in grave detail from morning til night everyday of my adult life until I recently grew past that last emotional attachment.
My god I lived it, then I tried to forget it, then finally faced it, studied it, dissected, and shared it until I and my readers were blue in the face.
I kept telling myself I forgave the NM, I don't care about her or what she's done or is doing now. I told myself that because of carrying this story, my life was heavy and my body was tired and diseased.
I kept trying to convince myself that it was over - I was finished with the whole NM saga, past, and present. But, I was still waking up with the stories, carrying them with me everyday, throughout the day until bedtime again.
I said I wasn't angry anymore and I wasn't so my depression left me totally a long while ago now.
I said what the NM has done doesn't matter anymore, but I was holding onto how my siblings and father believed her. I think that was the stumbling block that was holding me back from the freedom I have today.
I just couldn't figure how they could believe such lies about me, and do they still believe?
It was so strange last week when instead of me approaching my mind and emotions, my mind and emotions sort of came to me. I was presented with the thought that the NM AND all of her accomplices and enablers are dead to me so all they do now, and what they have done, no longer exits. If something doesn't exist, there is nothing about which to ponder.
It was like magic. It was over right there right then that day that moment last week. Finally, I let go of my story and ever since the Universe has begun to write anew.
It began with a cure for the IBS I've suffered with for almost thirty years - which by the way began during the times with the NM when she tried to destroy my happiness about marring Khaled and finding love with my Arab family in Cairo, Egypt.
So, right after this all came to me, I happened to come across the honey and turmeric cure and the IBS was under control within days. But, it all began three decades ago on visits to the NM's.
Instead of ignoring accusations and slander of the Arabs, and her righteous indignation over the history of Israel, I spent a couple of weekends a month for years debating with the toxic narcissist. NM got what is called narcissistic supply from my reactions, and I got sick. Begging her to stop - to talk about anything else, she refused, while I ran back and fourth to the bathroom in cramping pain. This was the beginning stages of the disease. She played me like a puppet, but I wasn't playing games - I was loving my "mother" and wanting to help her understand the truth at the same time.
Only, NM knew the truth.
Truth is always irrelevant with a narcissist. Creating negativity whether with truth or lies, it doesn't matter, it is the suffering that is meaningful to a narcissist.
But, now I know all of this - what happened and why - and how to get better and stay better. It was such a long time coming - this emotional clarity.
There has to be a reason that it took so many years to become an emotionally mature adult. I think in my case and maybe for many others, it was because the amount of information that needed to be learned required decades to absorb properly.
So, my life began anew with the clarity of mind - the loss of emotional baggage, then directly after, came the cure for the IBS. Then this week I found the cure for constant sinus drainage and the occasional sore throat in my essential oils using a difusser through the night.
I can hardly wait to see what improvement I happen upon next week!! It's like letting go of that story opened a previously locked door through which is a clear path to the place I've been journeying my whole life.
It's still me, only a cured me. It's still the same destiny, only with an unfettered path on which to walk. It's still my story, only it no longer plays on my mind - it has lost it's power. It's still my body, only healthier. It's still my mind, only now I am FREE.
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