Stop Walking on Eggshells

I want to talk about utility verses love, compassion, and self.

Do you know someone who tries to do all the right things in life, but they fall short of making meaningful connections and being able to experience real and lasting, healthy relationships?

It could be this person attaches with others in an effort to acquire a ready-made self. No matter how saintly, though, this other cannot ultimately measure up to the distorted image the selfless person perceives in them. This sets off the devaluation, judgment, distrust, condemnation stage called splitting, which is confusing for the person whose self is being absorbed.

The person whose developing self was interrupted during early childhood development usually by the unloving mother wound, often behaves this way refusing to see that the misery in their life is because of this behavior as opposed to the behavior of their significant others.

This person avoids deep emotional connections by making utility the priority in relating. When in a real relationship, love and compassion, trust and understanding is essential, for the person without a self, it is things and even time that is most meaningful. They are in a relationship with their money, cars, home, animals, time, and in the end image - the image they are taking on at the time.

You discover that if you pay your way with them and more - they devalue you less, if you respect their things and time, they devalue you less, and if you offer them yourself, your compassion, values, time, trust, belief, validation, and understanding, they can be fun and interesting - ambitious and exciting to be around. But, this is exhausting to keep up to have a "relationship" to the degree the utility-seeking person expects and demands.

When this person isn't running from the last falling out, they busy themselves with measuring things. Judging attitudes, amounts, money, and time, they are forever calculating the fairness of everything in their life and relationships. They actually cock their head from side to side in a quick gesture, meaning, "It might do for now."

But it isn't too long before the walking on eggshells resumes. You used the paper towels, you didn't appreciate enough a favor of utility - anything - the list is endless. If the person feels like they've taken on your personality to the point of feeling engulfed, devaluation is their only recourse.

So, while in your personality, using your vernacular and your tone of voice, same inflection, this person begins blaming you for everything from A to Z, only most of these things while meaningful to them have nothing to do with the relationship. They are blaming you for loving them by judging your every move and breath in a negative light.

In the blaming much is actually true, since the toxic culture creates reciprocal bad behavior.

This person is a competent, responsible employee, and maybe even friend. If you needed something done right or help with something - they would be great and happy to help. This wounded person is not a liar. They pride themselves on their integrity. But all along it's about situations and utility, not kindness, patience, real love, and compassion.  It's about being on time, paying the bills, telling the truth (distorted though it may be).

BUT you will never be able to pay them back enough to satisfy their endless measuring.  If there is a falling out they will choose to forget your qualities and the things you offered them and the relationship freely without measure.

I had a person like this in my life and I was bound and determined to show the person trust and love until they would be able to do it too. Only it doesn't work that way.  Once a person of utility always a person of utility, unless they choose to get better. They take on your personality, all but the capacity for love and compassion. Not because they don't want to love. In fact, they think they do love - but conditional love is not love. It's because they are so wounded that they cannot love and trust and believe until going through the work and stages of in-depth therapy.

The idea of this is so painful to this person that they choose, instead, to run their whole lives from doing so. They run from relationship to relationship or from relationship to the same relationship - from house to house - to rental - from state to state - back to relationship to relationship - from job to job - idea to idea - It never ends until they physically can no longer run.

It goes like this with a person of utility over love:  Woundedness, distrust, judgment, fear = CONTROL.  For the person with whom they are attempting to relate: Love, trust, confusion, being devalued = WALKING ON EGGSHELLS.