When the gaslighting is put to an end, the whole dynamic in an abusive relationship shifts - Never to return to the status quo

It is said that gaslighting is perhaps the cruelest of the narcissistic tools, and I can report here that as a recipient of it for several decades, this is so.

It doesn't matter how you slice it, you will come away finally doubting yourself and your own perceptions of reality, should this tactic be allowed for a long period of time.

As I plunged myself alone into the final stages of recovery from an emotionally abusive relationship, I discovered that the only way to proceed going forward at some point was to record in either writing or with video every interaction with the abusive person that had the potential to result in his/her exercising  controlling, manipulative behaviors.

Once I started placing boundaries in this relationship, that was reason enough for the person to feel threatened, and to implement even more of the gaslighting than before.

I remember the first time this paid off for me.  He kept accusing me of taking more Imodium AD pills than I was and having to buy more too early ... too soon.  Resulting in an expense to complain about, and with that, a reason to accuse me of abusing medicine.

This was happening for a long time before I finally invested in an erase calendar for the kitchen wall.  On it I wrote that "Khaled said that I took a months worth of Imodium in one week."   Here is the day I began the new bottle.  And four weeks later on the wall is written the last day's supply.   Bottle empty/ needs refill.

When I approached him with the request, as usual, he protested that he JUST BOUGHT them.  I told him NO.  Look on the wall calendar.  He still tried to say that the calendar was wrong.  But I was able to prove it.  And he just dropped it and bought the new bottle without to apologize .

This small victory was a kind of validation that I hadn't seen in my life really up until that point.  I realized then that  if I want validation, I need to validate myself and to stand firm.  From then on I began recording all dealings with him.

What he liked best was holding me at bay without money of my own or means to get it, and to accuse me of wasting any money I am entrusted with for the house, myself, and or the family.  He got so bad nearing the end of this ridiculous marriage that I witnessed a meltdown over two dollars and ninety nine cents!

On top of all of that, this man is by NO means destitute or in need of any kind.  He in fact, is very well off,  partially due to the sacrifices I've made to appease him over the course of 30 years.

So yeah gaslighting.  Cruel, horrible, unkind behavior, intended to make a person second guess his/her own sanity/reality.  To put it in a nutshell, it's lying.  About almost everything that is meaningful to the target.  And everything that is perhaps not so meaningful but incidental.  "I never said that.  You said such and such.  I never did that.  You did such and such.  The sky isn't blue.  Are you nuts?  It's green.  Can't you see?  Everybody knows that.  What are you?  Five years old?"

Every ounce of joy in the targets heart and life will be sucked away and erased by the abusive gaslighter.

After all of this he/she will appear before you with a grin.  A look of satisfaction called "Duping Delight."  I have seen this hundreds of times.  It's sickening.   Because while the abuser is grinning like this and pleased with themselves, the target is suffering all kinds of emotional pain and confusion.

The confusion is a result of the target not being able to understand how a "Loved One" could behave in such a way.  The only thing that often makes sense in the end to the target is that perhaps it is they who really are the problem.  Perhaps they are losing it for real.

The cognitive dissonance though of a so called loved one grinning at the discomfort and pain of his or her spouse is what keeps the target stuck for a time.  There has to be an explanation.

Tell you what.  My education in Narcissistic abuse saved me in the end and stopped totally all cognitive dissonance.

It doesn't mean the person in question is a full blown narcissist or that he/she has narcissistic personality disorder.  What it does mean is that due to many variables, what lies beneath the person behaving in this cocksure way is an insecure, fearful, clueless, blob of protoplasm who operates primarily  from a place of ego.  And if you turn yourself into a pretzel in order to reach them in some way/  any way ... to help them to see this reality..  You are likely wasting your time and energy.

I personally found this to be true.

The person flat out finally told me that he wasn't interested in growing in the least.

Who ever says something so stupid you might wonder.  Just such a "person."   Their "love"  is conditional /  therefore they have not love, and superficiality rules the day.  It's all about "what it looks like to others who must be impressed."  

Reality and real people like their children and spouse matter less than all of these people the abuser is interested in impressing.  He/she will throw you and your children under the bus in a heartbeat in order to save face.

Extremely unkind.  Unloving.  Careless behavior.

The good news is we can put a stop to it.  If we do record most pertinent dealings with them, they cannot play this game.  You have dates, often video, and written proof of what took place so there is no way for the abuser to use the gaslighting tool.

This is a crucial step in the coming to an end of this suffering, while welcoming the blossoming awareness that will accompany the target right out of this hell and onto the path of freedom.