Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity: Dealing with Anxiety  - and It's Brief Return I thought this problem was long gone and finished for me, but the fact is that as we ...

If someone comes off as superficial and self centered in the beginning, don't lie to yourself in order to stop the cognitive dissonance!!

NO REGRETS NO ANGER JUST CLARITY

If your gut tells you NO,. Listen heart emoticon

Take a person(s) met decades ago from whom I got a bad first impression, but to be "fair" I tried very hard to second guess my gut:

There has to be clarity and distinction between second guessing one's self in order to be fair, and simply realizing that negativity can in no way ever be respected. Negative actions don't qualify for the fairness clause when evaluating relationships or potential relationships. 

It's really useful to discern what falls under negativity and what is simply another's choices which differ from one's own.

If someone is being manipulative, though, by way of their words or actions, there is no wiggle room for second guessing.

So, dishonesty, then would be the first thing. In-authenticity falls under this umbrella, as does partial authenticity favored by covert manipulators.

Under this are,  false personas and superficiality. my favorite way to tell this is that for these types, (It's all about how it looks) . These folks care deeply about how others perceive them. It is essential they appear important, in control, of more means than is true, or more to the point - better means than the 'others' with whom they are dealing. Oh, not to forget the somatic narcissist who worships his/her own body and just can't wait for the chance to flaunt it.  In case any of them are reading this ... just so you know...  "normal" people can't be bothered with your body.  Each person who is interested in personal growth and acceptance, cares first for all other things than your body!!

For these toxic types, things like humility, honesty, and authenticity are the weaknesses of others. In addition, the persons who values these, are assumed to be foolish by the superficial manipulator. The only intelligent persons in the room are those who don't show their hand, those who have all the power, and to achieve this, they must and do have all the control. (Those who are convincing liars and have a little crew of enablers behind them).

It's a bonus deal for toxic types when they come across the authentic person. First they jump on the fact that they are gong to profit in a myriad of ways from the target's honesty and willingness to please. Then the manipulator gets an on the spot instant reward. In their underestimation, the authentic person is beneath the manipulator.

Notice their instant gratification as they project onto the target an (less-than) inferior image. Usually the target 'feels' this negative projection right away. Unless they are aware of the workings of the mind of a manipulator, they will take on this projection in the moment and in future interactions with such a person.

When one is wrapped in this situation, it can be difficult to pinpoint just why things feel this way. A decent person hesitates to go with their gut which is telling them, "This person is superficial, unauthentic, seems void of natural feelings... and frankly dangerous to me".

Your gut tells you to back away, but before you listen to your gut, in the moments you are discerning, the manipulator is touching buttons in your mind, heart, and soul, with his/her words until something clicks with you - or they hit on a match to whatever it is that fits your needs - turns you on. When they see your neurons respond, they know they have you.

Afterward, you may still wonder... why did I feel such a way? Something isn't right. but then you tell yourself, "But they said this and this. I must be mistaken."

NO!! Your gut is never off.

Always follow your gut.

We are intelligent enough, we often start out right, being intuitive and getting it, but then it is in the non trusting of our own gut reactions where the trouble begins.

I have even fought my heart and went with my gut over the years, but eventually the manipulator still recovers and gets over.

Once I was fool enough to confess to a person in my life my first impression, and apologize for being judgmental. Yeah, it's not long after the successful bait and hook, a decades long scheme to profit in someway (by the sweat of your brow or tears of your heart or both), that you finally realize what it was all about. Of course followed by the thought "I should have listened to my own intuition."

 Another time, I did the same about my sister's narcissistic husband.  I confessed to her of my past impression of him and how sorry I was.  But, he showed again very soon that, no, I was right.  (You know these are times in your life when you sure would love to be wrong).

If the stakes are high enough, certain toxic types don't discourage easily. They can wait patiently for years to reap their rewards.

Best part is the healing and self awareness. I write this now without anger, but in gratitude. It feels really good to not be angry. Anything lost to toxic types I've figured out can be chalked up to an investment in self awareness. For some of us it costs more and takes longer, but that's all for good reason. And that's fine.

Finally, I have no regrets with regard to this issue!

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If someone comes off as superficial and self centered in the beginning, don't lie to yourself in order to stop the cognitive dissonance!!

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity: Dealing with Anxiety  - and It's Brief Return I thought this problem was long gone and finished for me, but the fact is that as we ...

Dealing with the Return of Anexity

Dealing with Anxiety  - and It's Brief Return

I thought this problem was long gone and finished for me, but the fact is that as we are healing, when confronted with opportunities to respect ourselves with the placing of healthy boundaries in long term relationships, we can be faced with negativity instead of cooperation.

Here's what happened recently to me.

I told Khaled who is packing to leave for Egypt actually just after tomorrow, that I might not go to Egypt and that maybe since we are thinking to sell our place there, he should start bringing  back my things little by little.  Furthermore, I said, " I'd rather spend the money you were going to spend on my ticket for Egypt,  here in the States, visiting my children."

He shut that down.  How does he do this over the years?  He uses money.  He told me what makes me think he's paying for my trip anywhere?  I should be saving the money he gives me for housewares, food, toiletries, and gifts for that.

Only a few weeks ago, he was asking me when he should buy my ticket for Egypt.  He was hoping to go during the week I'm typing this.  I wasn't sure when I would go but for sure not now.  That was fine, so he bought his ticket and he was going to buy mine whenever I decided to go.

Usually he's is a fair person, so of course this caused me to experience cognitive dissonance which shot my mind's experience into a post traumatic stress shift.

Then I experienced everything I used to when I suffered from anxiety.  From the shaking that you just cannot stop, to the bewilderment, finally exhaustion .

When I first started experiencing anxiety and free floating anxiety, I remember exactly where I was and who it was that was pounding on my mind at the time.

It was the NM.  Over and over and over she would drill about the Arabs and the Jews and how could I marry an Arab man.  Don't I worry he will take the children to Egypt and run?  All kinds of inaccurate accusations about Arabs and propagandized information pounded onto my soul.  All the while I was defending my husband and myself and the whole Arab nation with the limited book knowledge I had at the time, with my wealth of  first hand knowledge as well.

As the NM continued, my sides would begin to shake and then to my back all down to the small of my back where the anxiety would set in like the combination of a jack hammer in the street and the drill of a dentist.  As this is happening I am crying and begging her to just let it go, just stop.  She continues and I get cramps.  Sweat pours from my hands and I am driven by pain to the bathroom where bright yellow bile shoots to the bowl.

I return to the NM and she continues... the anxiety remains ..  until the visit is over and I am about two hours into the trip home.  Driving late .. midnight blue sky and quiet, I tell myself it feels so much better to be going to my home away from her.  On the other hand I tell myself she's my mother.  I will always respect her.  There is my father there who is not like her and if I bring more things, better things she might like, or if I say the right things, or if I work more when I'm there, maybe next time will be better, and we can have a relationship - all of us .. the kids can have grandparents here in the United States.

Now it's three hours and I have already repeated and dissected to myself in the car all of the abusive things she said to me.  I still cannot understand WHY she is saying these things and for what reason.  BUT now I feel somewhat better. The shaking is now a deep hum.

And that's how the anxiety all began.  I was 25-35. It was that decade I foolishly allowed the NM to do the most damage.  I took it on like a camel does a whole family's  burdens all across the dessert.  I was going to be the good and dutiful daughter even if it killed me.

And it almost did.

Between the ages of 45 - 50, I was hospitalized over and over and over for physical problems, including one near death experience and just under a week in the intensive care unit.

It was the near death experience that was my wake up call.

I have been on a quest for emotional healing from the ages of 50 - 55.  That brings us up to date.

The physical problems are nearly resolved all by dealing with the emotional traumatic events and the aftermath that followed.  I have lost over a hundred pounds since going no contact with the NM and didn't diet after the initial 6 months on Atkins.  The weight fell off on it's own after a life-long binge eating disorder was totally healed.

So when I experience anything that feels like the NM's poundings, the anxiety is triggered back.  Thankfully, Khaled is nothing like the NM so I am rarely triggered. But, yesterday was an exception.

I went to bed with the anxiety and slept without distractions for hours and hours and hours .. then through the whole night, and then half of today.

That's how taxing anxiety is on your body.  In my youth I was strong enough to keep going ... taking care of the house, husband, kids,  a job, and more.. all while fighting it.  Now, though, I am fortunate to have the opportunity to deal with it, instead.  

I sit here typing now without being the least bit anxious or experiencing any of the shaking, drilling, or even the humms..

Just curious though, will Khaled ever be interested in learning any of this?  Seems to me if he knew how this all made me feel, he might decide to stop playing these games over money.

How will he know how I feel as a result of mind games unless he is open enough to hear and interested enough to care?

I tried to explain this to Khaled earlier, but when I looked up again as I was speaking to him, he was gone.  He had walked out of the room in search of medicine for his allergy.  I had been speaking to the walls.

I realize how much this man is able to care about the reality of the situation.

Question is:  What do I do now?

Well I know what I am not going to do.  I'm not a victim.  I have not to complain.   I am going to do what is good and right for me. Continuing this healing path,  attracting to my life positive experiences.

Khaled is adorable.  He is an adorable child, half asleep.  I'll always love him.

I have to know that when the time is right he will hear me about this.  Until then I hear myself, and I care about myself.  That's what counts most.

But, yeah I wanted to share how we can be gong along in recovery and all of the sudden life challenges us with these things.  Instead of seeing this as stepping backward, I see it as a continuation in the recovery.

I imagine life will offer me all kinds of opportunities to continue to grow - And that's a good thing. 

Towanda! Righter of Wrongs... Queen Beyond Compare!! On second thought...........

So yesterday I had a Towanda moment at Walmart, and a facebook friend's comment "I don't like confrontation" made me think again.

I don't either, so why does my post about the situation seem so??

Somewhere in this, I figured I was wrong. grrrrr.....  :

Kathleen Wheeler Awad

17 hrs · Wilkes-Barre, PA · Edited ·

Ten Points for dodging the wrath of roadrager:

Coming out of walmart parking lot, this person was coming in off the highway. I was waiting for her to come by in front of my car so I could turn left to go out. Instead, she sat on her horn waving her arms blocking my car from going left right or forward.

It was more important I guess to admonish my poor observance of the parking lot traffic rules than to keep going it seems.

OMG!! All I could think of was a bully kid in bumper cars screaming at ALL the other kids that they were playing it wrong!! Her face was so exaggerated it was funny!! I had to laugh.

Since my reaction was none really but to wave her out of my way with the back of my hand and a blown kiss, she went totally nuts.

While she was doing a donut to circle back and kill me, I took my left turn quick, but she chased me in from the right front as if I would stop and take her punishment and directions lol.

Only thing is she didn't know I've dealt with her kind before and beneath my calm reaction is a foot on the accelerator at the ready!! I nosed my SUV at her fancy little white sports car just as quick as she spun that donut!!

Seemed she didn't want the dent cause I wasn't backing down with the right of way and the green light cheering me on....lol.. She broke just before getting a good scrape as I blasted out onto the highway... In my rear view mirror I saw a little white sports car waaay back there turning then again into the walmart parking lot.

Such a cool way to come out of an attack!! Calm cool and collected and pleased hehe.. I didn't get upset .. not even for a moment. I remembered all my tools and used them. But it was kind of easy because she was so comical to begin with .. But in the end it wasn't all that funny since she was clearly wacked.

Yeah, I thought to myself. Welp, I didn't fire back mad, no.. I didn't even get mad even in the end. I only focused on my reaction remaining calm or "normal." But she is for sure still burning and stomping around walmart now like a maniac.

Oh well, see an old lady with white or grey hair and expect her to be a pushover ... if you wish .. But watch it... hehe wink emoticon xx

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After that, the same facebook friend said, "Wow, what a woman you are."  I thought hmmmmm yeah I don't know, it does seem it wasn't very womanly.  So I answered "We farm girls don't mess around."  Which was meant to imply she and I were raised working on farms and so from our most inner depths, any tough spot isn't too tough for us.  

I do that.  I noticed I like to enjoin others in my reasoning's for my actions.  You know what?  That's wrong.  I am realizing here that I don't need to to that.  I don't need to prop up my decision making with others' (who btw may not even agree as you see happened here).

It's important to note here that this behavior (using others to shore up one's own questionable behaviors is a narcissist trait).  You all know where that came from deep down in my psyche.  But it goes TODAY.

The other kind of narcissist thing I did in the conflict was to blow that kiss.  I just had to piss her off more.  That's what narcs do.  AND then when she totally flipped and came after my car, I was proud of my behavior!!

I can see with this little example that I still have more work to do in shedding all that was learned since birth.  Funny thing is the post was supposed to showcase my recovery, how I reacted in a better way that in prior times.  This was the first time (that I can think of now) I used a narcissist's tactics to get through something like this and I thought I did so well.

The reason I did well for me was that I didn't get upset.  My heart rate didn't even change, but still... using narc tactics to deal with narcs isn't going to cut it for getting well.  That is NOT the wellness solution I want for me.

I do give myself points for not getting angry, but for adding to this persons negativity with passive aggression and the narcissistic blown kiss, my points were revoked really on the spot.

My dilemma:

When a person confronts and attacks me (very unusual btw) I don't want to feel threatened, fear, anger... all those negative emotions.  Mostly, I don't want to drive away feeling like I didn't take care of myself, which only leads to negative self talk.

Turns out now I also don't want to avoid those emotions by being immature and laughing at the person and using passive aggressive tactics.

So yeah.  Not too bad, but next time I'll have to do better.  No kiss.. no laughing.  That's going to be the growth.  The test.  To not get upset without using negativity as a shield from negativity.

We'll see....

Overtaking the hurdle of Selfrespect in Healthy Relating

Well well well.....

I come across this one and see that the all so important validation seeking needs to be reeled in.    

Validation is a tricky thing.  First part of my life, my own validation was nonexistent - not allowed - never hoped for.  Second part of my life it became a part of my healing - a necessity.  

Now, at the golden years of my life, validation is something I give myself on occasion, ask of my spouse on the rare occasion, and experience and do for others when the timing is right.  Other than that, it is not a forefront issue anymore.

Now, when someone dismisses me and or my shared thoughts or opinions, I learn from the experience.  The more I learn, the less I am dealing with people who tend to behave as such.  Hence the less this even becomes an issue in my life.

At this point in my healing I have discovered there are still others who are so wounded and unhealed that having them in my inner circle could be a source of negativity. These still wounded souls cannot help but be distrustful, dismissive, and in effect, cruel, actually. They are so wounded that in limping along emotionally, they cannot gather the maturity and strength for reciprocate, respectful relating. And I cannot ask them for and or hope for something they don't have to give.

I feel accomplished that I actually learned this recently:   When I notice in relating with someone who over and over is dismissive of me and my issues while I am supportive of them and theirs.....  I can and must cut them loose.  This I do now instead of having endless patience waiting for them to "come around" ... in their emotional maturity - to learn from my example .. lol.. ..  Most still-wounded people aren't up to learning from others' examples. Even those seeking healing. If they are stuck at some point in healing, they are not going to learn anything from me or my examples of allowing myself to me unheard, used, and dismissed.  After all, what would they learn anyway?  How to be a doormat?  What was I thinking.


There is no choice but to move on, cultivating my own emotional growth and healthier relating abilities.

So onward and upward it is... Without the slightest guilt about 'giving up' on still wounded people.  

Moving on and giving up are two different things.  I've moved on, but at any point should anyone new in my life or old in my life want to relate in respectful ways, I'm all ears as I keep moving, yet keep respecting myself and others.

Dismissing someone’s Pain comes off as Devaluation

Okay I want to talk about dismissing and devaluation.  How this affects especially one who is going through a particularly difficult emotional time.

At any point in a relationship, dismissing and devaluing is unproductive, but in a time of expressed pain, such behavior is especially difficult.

Telling someone to “get over it” is a dismissive reaction. And refusing to try to understand beyond one's own beliefs results in devaluation. 

There is a difference between being supportive and being obligated to take on a person’s pain in a burdensome way.  No one is obligated to take on another's pain, nor should they.  One can be supportive AND not "shoulder" the pain at the same time.

All or nothing – black and white thinking leads one to incorrectly see things in exaggerated and distorted ways.  This thought pattern brings confusion in relating.

A person who thinks and behaves in such a way might say all in the same breath, two conflicting beliefs.

“I am supportive with this person who is sorting emotional trauma, but (The person said the whole year has been full of trauma) I told the person their reaction is ridiculous because they are not able to see how great things are beyond the traumas.”

Unfortunately, this person is unable or unwilling to understand that multiple traumas within a six month period are ample reason for seeing the year as an overall disappointment.

Yes there can always be MORE traumas, but YAY there weren’t. But that’s not the point!  The point is what HAS happened.  What IS being sorted and recovered from. That’s the point. 

Dismissing someone’s pain comes off as devaluation.