You Came for Gossip - You Found Wellness and Freedom

You didn't hear from me or see me on fb or any other media source for months yet you did not reach out to me, which makes me realize exactly where I stand with you.  It is the place I suspected from the beginning some thirty years ago.

Thirty years of giving up my self to accommodate all of you who are never accommodated anyway was a monstrous endeavor to say the least. It left me absolutely exhausted and finished.  Medicated at times just to survive the pain of the reality of the situation.

But now I am okay.  I understand the entire situation and all of you, and from where all of you came, and who all of you really are under that facade.  I needed to understand.

 If something doesn't make sense to me I must understand it from it's core in order to know where I stand in all of this.

  Oh yes I know now and it is as I suspected from the start but gave you all the benefit of the doubt anyway.

After all sittoo was so charming and loving.

Life's illusions do unfold decade after decade while one works intently to grow beyond the bullshit that ego and fear insist on keeping us down with. Literally.

At times my heart bled just about dry for all of you in a country a world apart from where I was born and raised.  And it was almost three decades before I realized it was all for nothing.  You are no different than the people I have seen here my entire life except you hold up the pretense much longer and firmer.

I sacrificed myself and my own children's betterment during all those years and for that I am eternally guilty and will regret until the day I die spending all that time on all of you and your welfare when my own children were in need of my attention.

None of you or your children or grandchildren could ever hold a candle to my children even so and at least there is that.

Mind games seem the culturally preferred choice in communication, but I despise mind games. I learned over the course of thirty years that mind games rule in Egypt, and especially with Khaled.

So sad.  truth and reality aren't so bad and are not to be feared, where mind games are played paramount to any other form of communication, truth and clarity is a problem.

I put myself out there without a facade and taking the lead from my then husband, you all laughed at me and figured me for a mental case and or stupid.  But at least I was honest,  and in my honesty I found a handful of you that I've kept close to  my heart.

That handful of folks who I speak of range from Boabs to the few  siblings of this abusive husband who are not pretentious but come off more like the kind heart of farmers (those and their spouses who closely resemble Sittoo).

I am not now nor was I ever impressed by rich or fake rich living, and rich lives/rich people.

Sittoo was a kind of farmer girl and that's probably why I loved her so much.  I can't say that for all twelve of her children but for a few yes I can.  I will forever remember you for the real persons you are - for the kindness and sweet laughter / the simple life and the love that you few shared.

But those others here today to see about the gossip - well, here it is.  Get an ear full and have your daily dose of entertainment on me.  And let the phones begin the familiar ringing ringing ringing before the entire text is even fully read, I imagine lol...   Egyptians never disappoint in that regard.

As for me, I am alive and well -  Away from abusive people, cruelty, liars, and lovers of MONEY.

Now I am only concerned with maintaining my wellness ... as I let go of  the fool I have been in the past among you and others,  I work diligently to grow away from all of this and become finally a better person than before.  Better and wiser inshallah.

I will mention one strange point about Khaled regarding my recovery from multiple illnesses.  The stronger I became over the past seven/eight years, the more living I could enjoy -  BUT - THE LESS satisfaction on the part of Khaled was glaringly evident.  In other words, the stronger I became, regaining all facalties of health, the more threatened, mean, and impossible Khaled became.  I found this to be a shockingly firm truth.  I still find myself shaking my head in disappointment on this point.

I always need to know WHY,  so this had me baffled for quite some time during my recovery.  I gave it a good long investigatory period before coming to the obvious conclusion that stares me in the face now.

To be threatened  of one's spouse's ability to fully live and enjoy life, is evidently to be quite ill.

I found Khaled Awad to be beneath his own facade, an insecure, fearful little man who enjoys remaining thus no matter the reward to himself and his  own soul should he instead choose to become well.

It is a choice you know.  I decided to become well, and wellness I have achieved.  I wanted wellness more than anything else in my life at the point of finally approaching my own healing from the inside out.

I discovered from life's experiences that no doctor can make you well. No medicine can make one well.  Wellness, for me, is a place in life that is reached and maintained by choice/choices,  clarity, reality, and love.

PLEASE I'm Begging You

I have decided to Not beg for anything or anyone ever again.

The desperate energy that fills the air during such an exchange is the kind of negativity from which every living being wants to run.

And the only thing that triggers that desperate feeling for me is fear.

We are caught up in so many illusions during our lifetime that the disillusioning experiences to come are near endless.  Yet each time we are faced with reality and an opportunity to decipher all that built up the illusion/s that going forward it's all about how we can be cognizant of reality.


The begging I've done in my life all stems from fear and not being good enough - Not being loved - Not being heard - Being dismissed and taken for granted.  Kindness taken for stupidity.

In Egypt the months spent sitting on a rock hard bed without to move or go anywhere left me hot and sick and desperate to GET OUT.  Once I literally begged Khaled my then husband to get me a hotel room in town (Cairo) just so I could get a clean bath and cool off in the air conditioning.

 I was on medication at the time which was potentially fatal if taken under the conditions of high temperatures.  Which makes sense now that I know this... At the time I didn't know it, but  I sure felt it.

Nothing doing.   I was literally desperate and crying.  I was so ill and so in need that my cries were lengthy and weakening.

All this man could say was that it would be an insult to his mother and family should I leave his mother's home for a hotel.

He wasn't even considering how ill I was - how badly I was suffering.  There were more health reasons than the most urgent about which I wanted to get into a cool clean place.  And when we returned home from Egypt one of them had brewed inside of me to the point of needing acute medical attention.  I was 6 weeks healing from it.

This experience left me disillusioned yet I was too week to do anything about the situation of living with a man who treats me this way.  Still, my time was coming.

I was actually begging this man, Khaled, in Egypt to help me and get me out of that situation.

This wasn't just an American being uncomfortable away from home (I could and had done that fine for years). I was clearly ill and in need, but ultimately left for dead.



Earlier in my first marriage I remember begging my husband once to at least pretend to love me.  It was clear he didn't love me.


The first husband loved alcohol and the second loved money and power.  Neither loved me.

Yet those are who I drew to me, and that's what I settled for each time.  I could fix it.   I had enough love for both of us and later with children in the second marriage - for all of us.

It doesn't work that way.  It just doesn't work.  And how many years are you going to twist yourself into different pretzels and shapes, pleasing everyone, cleaning up everything before you decide to LOVE YOURSELF.

That's what I've finally learned to do.  And I don't mind reminding others who might be temporarily disappointed that I have chosen myself and that's what's most important.  They either come around eventually  with a tone of respect OR they can go on their merry way.  (Which btw hasn't happened to me yet other than with Khaled).    So far it's been just fine.

Interesting huh?


I think it's possible that neither husband knew or knows what love truly is.  There are many of us like that in this world.

Being raised in a Cluster B run household, my brain wasn't setup for true/healthy love either, other than recognizing the love my father had for me and my siblings and for animals.  Still, that was tainted and distorted by the works of my narcissistic mother which left me in a state of cognitive dissonance whenever pondering the love I had for my dad and he for me.

I and all my siblings were shoved off into this world without a single tool for emotional survival and growth going forward.

How did I expect to attract love in my life?  I figured I was a good and kind person and I would attract the same, but there is  more to a person than goodness and kindness.  And often times being good and kind attracts others who are looking to exploit such attributes for personal gain or gratification.



I was fooled by religion both times.  The first was the Christian religion drawn to by the love psalms and the second was Islam.

Either book read on it's own isn't without question, and both are quasi okay, but let them be allowed to be immersed in the dogma or man made rules and regulations of such, and all the goodness and words of the prophets can and will be destroyed.

When I heard my Muslim husband say "I don't care what the Quran says, I am doing this my way". I was finally convinced that even Islam doesn't mean anything to this man of many masks.  All the fasting .. all the prayers ... all the ritual washing and ritual chantings were for show.

It is the CULTURE in which all religions are encased that rules the person pretending to be a good spiritual follower of the great prophets of all time.  Often people who are personally unevolved and "practicing" religion are using it as a smoke screen to cover who they really are - who or what they really worship from the depths of their heart/s.

MONEY. POWER.


In the case of my second husband it was MONEY.  Money and Power.  The power money afforded him.

It was all about how it looked to members of the Islamic community and or his family members practicing radical Islam.

And the family in Egypt,  less a few out of 12 siblings, all follow suit - It's all about how it looks to others.  If it means treat your loved ones like crap in order to afford to make it look like you are wealthier and or better than you are to the greater community -  It is fine to throw anyone including wives and children right under the bus.  As long as it isn't you who are seen as the less than desirable Muslim/Citizen.

Anything a Muslim like my ex husband Khaled does or says can and will be DENIED should it seem offensive to himself or his family of origin, and or the community at large.

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Hey! My Gate was Open all Along

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Hey! My Gate was Open all Along: And never look back! The act of looking back is doubt.. Perhaps a moment of weakness or a natural reaction to a triggering event ...

Hey! My Gate was Open all Along

And never look back!




The act of looking back is doubt.. Perhaps a moment of weakness or a natural reaction to a triggering event whilst doing your best to focus on moving forward and all that entails.

Bumps in the road can't affect you now - It's onward and upward regardless of the circumstances.

You might think when this is all over that "Hey! My gate was open all along."   

So often we are prisoners of our own minds and beliefs and for far too long.

When the gaslighting is put to an end, the whole dynamic in an abusive relationship shifts - Never to return to the status quo

It is said that gaslighting is perhaps the cruelest of the narcissistic tools, and I can report here that as a recipient of it for several decades, this is so.

It doesn't matter how you slice it, you will come away finally doubting yourself and your own perceptions of reality, should this tactic be allowed for a long period of time.

As I plunged myself alone into the final stages of recovery from an emotionally abusive relationship, I discovered that the only way to proceed going forward at some point was to record in either writing or with video every interaction with the abusive person that had the potential to result in his/her exercising  controlling, manipulative behaviors.

Once I started placing boundaries in this relationship, that was reason enough for the person to feel threatened, and to implement even more of the gaslighting than before.

I remember the first time this paid off for me.  He kept accusing me of taking more Imodium AD pills than I was and having to buy more too early ... too soon.  Resulting in an expense to complain about, and with that, a reason to accuse me of abusing medicine.

This was happening for a long time before I finally invested in an erase calendar for the kitchen wall.  On it I wrote that "Khaled said that I took a months worth of Imodium in one week."   Here is the day I began the new bottle.  And four weeks later on the wall is written the last day's supply.   Bottle empty/ needs refill.

When I approached him with the request, as usual, he protested that he JUST BOUGHT them.  I told him NO.  Look on the wall calendar.  He still tried to say that the calendar was wrong.  But I was able to prove it.  And he just dropped it and bought the new bottle without to apologize .

This small victory was a kind of validation that I hadn't seen in my life really up until that point.  I realized then that  if I want validation, I need to validate myself and to stand firm.  From then on I began recording all dealings with him.

What he liked best was holding me at bay without money of my own or means to get it, and to accuse me of wasting any money I am entrusted with for the house, myself, and or the family.  He got so bad nearing the end of this ridiculous marriage that I witnessed a meltdown over two dollars and ninety nine cents!

On top of all of that, this man is by NO means destitute or in need of any kind.  He in fact, is very well off,  partially due to the sacrifices I've made to appease him over the course of 30 years.

So yeah gaslighting.  Cruel, horrible, unkind behavior, intended to make a person second guess his/her own sanity/reality.  To put it in a nutshell, it's lying.  About almost everything that is meaningful to the target.  And everything that is perhaps not so meaningful but incidental.  "I never said that.  You said such and such.  I never did that.  You did such and such.  The sky isn't blue.  Are you nuts?  It's green.  Can't you see?  Everybody knows that.  What are you?  Five years old?"

Every ounce of joy in the targets heart and life will be sucked away and erased by the abusive gaslighter.

After all of this he/she will appear before you with a grin.  A look of satisfaction called "Duping Delight."  I have seen this hundreds of times.  It's sickening.   Because while the abuser is grinning like this and pleased with themselves, the target is suffering all kinds of emotional pain and confusion.

The confusion is a result of the target not being able to understand how a "Loved One" could behave in such a way.  The only thing that often makes sense in the end to the target is that perhaps it is they who really are the problem.  Perhaps they are losing it for real.

The cognitive dissonance though of a so called loved one grinning at the discomfort and pain of his or her spouse is what keeps the target stuck for a time.  There has to be an explanation.

Tell you what.  My education in Narcissistic abuse saved me in the end and stopped totally all cognitive dissonance.

It doesn't mean the person in question is a full blown narcissist or that he/she has narcissistic personality disorder.  What it does mean is that due to many variables, what lies beneath the person behaving in this cocksure way is an insecure, fearful, clueless, blob of protoplasm who operates primarily  from a place of ego.  And if you turn yourself into a pretzel in order to reach them in some way/  any way ... to help them to see this reality..  You are likely wasting your time and energy.

I personally found this to be true.

The person flat out finally told me that he wasn't interested in growing in the least.

Who ever says something so stupid you might wonder.  Just such a "person."   Their "love"  is conditional /  therefore they have not love, and superficiality rules the day.  It's all about "what it looks like to others who must be impressed."  

Reality and real people like their children and spouse matter less than all of these people the abuser is interested in impressing.  He/she will throw you and your children under the bus in a heartbeat in order to save face.

Extremely unkind.  Unloving.  Careless behavior.

The good news is we can put a stop to it.  If we do record most pertinent dealings with them, they cannot play this game.  You have dates, often video, and written proof of what took place so there is no way for the abuser to use the gaslighting tool.

This is a crucial step in the coming to an end of this suffering, while welcoming the blossoming awareness that will accompany the target right out of this hell and onto the path of freedom.  

What's fvcking wrong Detroit & BaBa!?!RIP ear drums

Colluding with Being Ignored and Self Betrayal in Relationships