Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Hey! My Gate was Open all Along

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Hey! My Gate was Open all Along: And never look back! The act of looking back is doubt.. Perhaps a moment of weakness or a natural reaction to a triggering event ...

Hey! My Gate was Open all Along

And never look back!




The act of looking back is doubt.. Perhaps a moment of weakness or a natural reaction to a triggering event whilst doing your best to focus on moving forward and all that entails.

Bumps in the road can't affect you now - It's onward and upward regardless of the circumstances.

You might think when this is all over that "Hey! My gate was open all along."   

So often we are prisoners of our own minds and beliefs and for far too long.

When the gaslighting is put to an end, the whole dynamic in an abusive relationship shifts - Never to return to the status quo

It is said that gaslighting is perhaps the cruelest of the narcissistic tools, and I can report here that as a recipient of it for several decades, this is so.

It doesn't matter how you slice it, you will come away finally doubting yourself and your own perceptions of reality, should this tactic be allowed for a long period of time.

As I plunged myself alone into the final stages of recovery from an emotionally abusive relationship, I discovered that the only way to proceed going forward at some point was to record in either writing or with video every interaction with the abusive person that had the potential to result in his/her exercising  controlling, manipulative behaviors.

Once I started placing boundaries in this relationship, that was reason enough for the person to feel threatened, and to implement even more of the gaslighting than before.

I remember the first time this paid off for me.  He kept accusing me of taking more Imodium AD pills than I was and having to buy more too early ... too soon.  Resulting in an expense to complain about, and with that, a reason to accuse me of abusing medicine.

This was happening for a long time before I finally invested in an erase calendar for the kitchen wall.  On it I wrote that "Khaled said that I took a months worth of Imodium in one week."   Here is the day I began the new bottle.  And four weeks later on the wall is written the last day's supply.   Bottle empty/ needs refill.

When I approached him with the request, as usual, he protested that he JUST BOUGHT them.  I told him NO.  Look on the wall calendar.  He still tried to say that the calendar was wrong.  But I was able to prove it.  And he just dropped it and bought the new bottle without to apologize .

This small victory was a kind of validation that I hadn't seen in my life really up until that point.  I realized then that  if I want validation, I need to validate myself and to stand firm.  From then on I began recording all dealings with him.

What he liked best was holding me at bay without money of my own or means to get it, and to accuse me of wasting any money I am entrusted with for the house, myself, and or the family.  He got so bad nearing the end of this ridiculous marriage that I witnessed a meltdown over two dollars and ninety nine cents!

On top of all of that, this man is by NO means destitute or in need of any kind.  He in fact, is very well off,  partially due to the sacrifices I've made to appease him over the course of 30 years.

So yeah gaslighting.  Cruel, horrible, unkind behavior, intended to make a person second guess his/her own sanity/reality.  To put it in a nutshell, it's lying.  About almost everything that is meaningful to the target.  And everything that is perhaps not so meaningful but incidental.  "I never said that.  You said such and such.  I never did that.  You did such and such.  The sky isn't blue.  Are you nuts?  It's green.  Can't you see?  Everybody knows that.  What are you?  Five years old?"

Every ounce of joy in the targets heart and life will be sucked away and erased by the abusive gaslighter.

After all of this he/she will appear before you with a grin.  A look of satisfaction called "Duping Delight."  I have seen this hundreds of times.  It's sickening.   Because while the abuser is grinning like this and pleased with themselves, the target is suffering all kinds of emotional pain and confusion.

The confusion is a result of the target not being able to understand how a "Loved One" could behave in such a way.  The only thing that often makes sense in the end to the target is that perhaps it is they who really are the problem.  Perhaps they are losing it for real.

The cognitive dissonance though of a so called loved one grinning at the discomfort and pain of his or her spouse is what keeps the target stuck for a time.  There has to be an explanation.

Tell you what.  My education in Narcissistic abuse saved me in the end and stopped totally all cognitive dissonance.

It doesn't mean the person in question is a full blown narcissist or that he/she has narcissistic personality disorder.  What it does mean is that due to many variables, what lies beneath the person behaving in this cocksure way is an insecure, fearful, clueless, blob of protoplasm who operates primarily  from a place of ego.  And if you turn yourself into a pretzel in order to reach them in some way/  any way ... to help them to see this reality..  You are likely wasting your time and energy.

I personally found this to be true.

The person flat out finally told me that he wasn't interested in growing in the least.

Who ever says something so stupid you might wonder.  Just such a "person."   Their "love"  is conditional /  therefore they have not love, and superficiality rules the day.  It's all about "what it looks like to others who must be impressed."  

Reality and real people like their children and spouse matter less than all of these people the abuser is interested in impressing.  He/she will throw you and your children under the bus in a heartbeat in order to save face.

Extremely unkind.  Unloving.  Careless behavior.

The good news is we can put a stop to it.  If we do record most pertinent dealings with them, they cannot play this game.  You have dates, often video, and written proof of what took place so there is no way for the abuser to use the gaslighting tool.

This is a crucial step in the coming to an end of this suffering, while welcoming the blossoming awareness that will accompany the target right out of this hell and onto the path of freedom.  

What's fvcking wrong Detroit & BaBa!?!RIP ear drums

Colluding with Being Ignored and Self Betrayal in Relationships

VALIDATION!! THANK YOU LOST CHILD SISTER!!

You know, when we love someone who is struggling emotionally and not intentionally hurting us (and NOT a narcissist), it is so worth it to do what it is that we can and then walk away until they do the work and catch up and come back.

Below is the amazing long-awaited conclusion to the saga of my precious little sister and I after reconnecting. After our father's death, we were both struggling to figure out our toxic family of origin, and our selves - and then along the way major life events triggered high stress interactions, derailing our progress for six years.

Both of us took those six years to seriously do the work in our own lives to come to this healthier point in recovery.

Previous posts on this blog tell the whole story up to before yesterday in detail, but not until today did I get to post this joyful moment of our re-connection as sisters - both practicing self care and placing boundaries!!

So below is what I messaged to her today after a very validating and healthy discussion with her yesterday, sparking our newfound sisterhood in recovery:
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Just to clarify so we get off on the right foot.  Not to rehash and ask for any kind of apology.  I understand your intentions and the reasons for everything that happened with us and not now nor at anytime before did I think you had wrongful intentions.  I always knew John was behind what I saw during the time you bought that house as erratic and controlling behavior.

I said in our chat that it was because of the computer incident that all of what followed happened.  But that was a seed.

Here's how it went.  After you called me and yes I did hear confusion in your voice, but your words said .. "Please just tell us if you needed to get into John's computer for an emergency or something because yours wasn't working."  You said that multiple times after I was very clear that NO my computer was fine.   You surprised me when instead of saying Okay then we have to get to the bottom of why it shows up on his computer.... because you did not touch it and I believe you.  No problem I will look into this with a computer expert and get back to you...   Instead,  You said, "Do you think I'm lying?  I am looking at it on the screen right now. It says (the login)"!!

After that I was sure I would never step foot in John's house again.  I didn't want things to deteriorate with us so I was willing to wait and see how you would handle my pending validation.

You bought that new place and I was genuinely excited.  On my arrival (please understand that you were clearly under the influence of this emotional abuser) there was a welcome followed by the rules for being there.   Only a certain dish could be used in the microwave because it busted others.  Certain pots and pans were off limits. Things like don't use steel utensils with such and such dishes because they will be destroyed were annoying because it was a nobrainer.  The stove-top was a major issue and warnings were given.  ....   This all set the tone.  It just didn't feel right.

Then there was the next visit building the landing, doggie door and fence.  By this time I barely recognized you.  I tried to be kind and even helpful, but nothing and I do mean nothing I did for you or with you would have ever been good enough.  I don't know what he was doing to you but it made you even check out and dissociate.  It was raining and it really felt like being with dad when he was abusive.  You actually picked up that thing you dragged from the basement when I was bent over trying to pull the leg of it loose from a stubborn rock and you slammed it without realizing it dropped on my shoulder.   Every single thing I said or did to help was rejected or wrong.  I walked on eggshells like I hadn't in decades that weekend.  

I tried for years to dissect this in my blog and in my journal.  I wrote extensively about the three visits, including and ending with the one I decided to be unconscious for.

I wrote about that too.  and I am disappointed in my choice to come regardless of promising myself after leaving the trip of the fence project I could never ever go back to your place.  Not that I was mad, or unloving with you..but that I could not be treated like that ever again and it was just something that kept happening.  It wasn't changing.  I couldn't place a single boundary.  And so yeah why would it change.

You should know in Florida when Buster was ill you behaved very much the same way.   That time too was very difficult, dismissive, controlling, and hurtful.   Again.  boundaries.  My fault as much as yours.   All of this is.

Going forward you have to know that I do place healthy boundaries now. It's helpful anyway for everyone to understand openly as one goes along how each other prefer to be treated or interacted with.  In a way this message is my first,  yikes: but it's honest and where I am coming from.   You need to know that going forward all of these past events having been validated by now and sure not to be repeated,... are just that.  the past and done.  Finally answers.  It's important to me.   Thank you.

So I conclude that high stress events might trigger behaviors that we aren't aware of.  I guess too that's where boundaries are essential.

I hope going forward we both will see the value in what might seem like annoyances when we place a boundary ...  I really do.  but I think it's possible we are both far enough along in recovery to appreciate that.

Yeah I needed to just be sue to be clear in a condensed version of the past signifying events.
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I received a loving and fully understanding answer.

Even though this was not a sympathy ploy or anything like that...my sister lovingly again apologized and validated every word, taking accountability.
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Now we can go forward in our relationship - first getting our feet wet again at my son's upcoming wedding!  The both of us have reserved rooms in the same a hotel for a few days!

I see a beautiful way clear for our relationship to build from this healthier foundation. Something I have wanted to come about for us for a very long time xx 

Lack of empathy in relationships that is NOT narcissistically driven ....

Okay here I am talking about finally approaching this subject with my primary relationship now. 

and my phone ran out so this is a continuation.

The story continues with Khaled being ten years old in the small city of Ismailia Egypt during the onset of the six day war with Israel.  He was crouched in the basement of his parents' huge apartment building for foreigners when the bombing took place.  During those days nobody knew how long they be trying to avoid being blasted to bits like the building above.  He and his eleven brothers and sisters were there a full seven days with their mother.   When the War was over, he was sent for bread in the streets where he saw body parts blown to bits.  The mind of a ten year old absorbed this trauma and wanted to do something for someone.  something right.  Inevitably he was attacked anyway for voicing his concerns and feelings during this time of extremes.   His mother was juggling 12 children and likely a pregnancy...  her marital issues, and the fact that everything they had worked for and loved was gone.  A ten year old's perspective and emotional need wasn't a priority.  It was then Khaled said that his defenses about feeling emotion were born.  And the hold this has on him is powerful my friends. .. very powerful.