Q&A: Brain damage after abuse | Learning to self-trust again | Narcs & t...

Six Months down the Road of Divorce Proceedings and not a Peep from Egypt

Me Egypt 1985

Here's how a covert kind of narcissistically inclined person behaves when the stakes are high.

My husband's whole family knows my character - that I am inherently good where love family money and status are concerned.

Status means just about nothing to me and money not much more.

They witnessed me behaving in just such a way for thirty years - ..  In the beginning it was much to their amazement as one of them outright told me....  " I cannot believe a girl coming from the USA to Egypt agrees to such substandard treatment."   I will say who told me that in 1985,  - it was his sister Nagah.  She and I are much the same age.  So we naturally spent a good deal of time together.

In those early days I still had myself and my achievements and abilities  -  and Khaled's treatment of me was easily forgiven however less easily tolerated,... for the knowledge of the overall picture of our life and family, which was just beginning.

But it turns out she was right to be concerned that I didn't protest his keeping me prisoner, and not to spend a dime whether in Egypt or the United States.

The marriage had great potential otherwise, which was eaten up little by little decade after decade.  Khaled's main focus was on controlling me and my spending to the point of literal financial and emotional abuse.  Just awful.

His intention was to gather and save as much money as he possibly could with every breath he had/has until the day he dies.  And this he has done.

This would be almost alright had it been for us (our lives and future all together) but I was to learn it was not.  It was 30 years before I allowed myself to fully believe it to its most debilitating degree.

Other than supporting his sisters and mother over the years, and his conditional support of myself and our children, he has been able to pocket more money than the average white collar individual.  And not totally on his own I need to add.  I was forced to work in my thirties and until 43 to pay for normal living here in the United States for my children and myself.  Those years were wracked with sleepless weekends, 16 hours days, and much damage to myself and the children as a result.  Terrible.

You know I don't even feel compelled to tell his family he did this to me and he did that.... They pretty much know.  His total disrespect for me was common knowledge and a subject of great laughter for three decades among all of his family members, our children, and sadly even myself as I would be a good sport.

Suzie Orman the money guru in the United States, (who is spot on about money) would hold him up as an example, but even she would have to mention how Khaled's strangle hold on the money goes beyond it's usefulness and enters the realms of abuse and divorce material.

Finally this American girl/woman is telling it like it is and seeing it like it is!!

Life is beginning anew for me, my friends. I feel fortunate to have come to this place in life while there is life remaining.

It is essential for me to live NOW... for NOW...  Now is all we ever have.

How else does a covert husband behave under such conditions as having his "good sport" wife leave him six months ago under the suggestion of the WilkesBarre Police??   I'll tell you.  He is quiet as a mouse.  He is meek and mild as a lamb and doesn't let on the least bit of information to his family in Egypt.  Not one word.

Why?

Simple.  He's ashamed of how he has treated me and he knows that they know it.  My leaving speaks volumes without a word from my mouth.

How do I know he hasn't spoken a peep?

If he had, his twelve brothers and sisters and the brothers and sisters in law would have jumped on this blog ASAP for the details.  As of now six months into court hearings forcing him to finally support me for the first time in our marriage in a quasi fair way, legal separation, and divorce proceedings, this blog's "audience" tab shows NO action or interest from Egypt.  None.  That's impossible had he said even the slightest mention or hint.

What does he say when he calls and they call?  Probably the same as he has for thirty years...  "She's good".   And then a joke about something about me and my ways that is stupid and funny to them.  ha ha ha...

I can only assume this but weighing it against the behavior of his family in 30 years and their irresistible urge for gossip/especially. family gossip....  I would bet my life on it.  He has mislead them by means of omission just has he has me over the years in tons of ways.

In Islam, the husband is supposed to hold his mother in the highest position under Allah, followed by his wife.  Even that was fine with me,... In fact I loved his mother so much that I also held her high.  But when she passed away, I was not held in that position - not even close.

He treated me worse than ever before.  Almost as if he is free now to abuse me in more ways than before and his mother will never know.

She was Sittoo to all of us (grandma).  Sittoo loved me very much also.  That woman had no idea who this son of hers really was.  None what so ever.  That's due to the covert nature of his slippery behavior.

The day she died he didn't even tell me.  He went to work as usual and I told him when he returned.  He said he knew.  Without to shed a single tear for this woman that I always thought was held on the highest pedestal, he went about his business like we were speaking of what to have for dinner.

Again it's all about how it looks.  All the yearly visits and the supporting of her was just for how he looks to the rest of the family and how he looked to her at the time.

There is a very big problem with gossip in Egypt and family gossip is no exception.  You want the gossip to be good about you.  You want what ever it is you do or are doing or are going to do with or for them or for your family to LOOK GOOD.  Doesn't matter if it's good or not, ... it just needs  to LOOK GOOD so that the gossip reflects well on YOU.  (Khaled).  in this case.

I shake my head as I write all of this because it took me 30 years to fully figure all of this out.  Thirty years of why? why? why?    Why did he do this and why did he do that???   It never made any sense because I just wanted to be happy and have a decent family and life.

He just wanted to keep me down and depressed where I wasn't costing him money - But he needed to do all of this while looking good.

He was the (care)taker.

I was "crazy".  For many years, medicated.   Never diagnosed as such btw, but you can count on any spouse that treats another this way calling them crazy.  Labelling them in fact as crazy.

Khaled has a sister who does this also to her husband.  So sad because everyone believes her except me and the nieces and nephews.  The problem with this kind of abuse is that we tend to play right into their hand.  You just don't want to see these folks who've been told you are crazy.  It doesn't feel right being with them.  You know they think this and the time spent with people who don't see you for who you really are / or even get and appreciate your authenticity is painful.

What would YOU do?  That's right.  You'd avoid seeing them also.  I isolated myself every chance I got when forced in the presence of these siblings of his/.   And  in the case of this abused husband I am referring to - for the 25 years I've known of him, he does the very same thing.  And I have to say it's likely for the very same painful reasons.

"Abused Husband about whom I speak,

I doubt very much you will ever see this, but I am putting it out there anyway - THAT -  I NEVER thought it was you who were crazy.  I never believed your wive's claims about you.  The truth was clear as day to me because I was raised by a narcissistic mother who is very much like this woman. I recognized this early on and  I always felt concern and solidarity for you.

Funny thing is I always figured you were told that I was crazy also lol"

Whenever I mentioned this to Khaled my husband over the years, he immediately discounted my concerns and shored up the lies.  His proof was always the isolation.

 Like I said, we play right into their hands.  Being around these people is painful because they've been misled and or outright lied to about us until they are convinced that we are crazy.  You tell me, ....Who wants to spend time with people who believe that you are crazy?   Isolation is way less painful.  And Isolation seems kind of crazy especially in a large family.  It's what we call here in the US a "Catch 22".

You Came for Gossip - You Found Wellness and Freedom

You didn't hear from me or see me on fb or any other media source for months yet you did not reach out to me, which makes me realize exactly where I stand with you.  It is the place I suspected from the beginning some thirty years ago.

Thirty years of giving up my self to accommodate all of you who are never accommodated anyway was a monstrous endeavor to say the least. It left me absolutely exhausted and finished.  Medicated at times just to survive the pain of the reality of the situation.

But now I am okay.  I understand the entire situation and all of you, and from where all of you came, and who all of you really are under that facade.  I needed to understand.

 If something doesn't make sense to me I must understand it from it's core in order to know where I stand in all of this.

  Oh yes I know now and it is as I suspected from the start but gave you all the benefit of the doubt anyway.

After all sittoo was so charming and loving.

Life's illusions do unfold decade after decade while one works intently to grow beyond the bullshit that ego and fear insist on keeping us down with. Literally.

At times my heart bled just about dry for all of you in a country a world apart from where I was born and raised.  And it was almost three decades before I realized it was all for nothing.  You are no different than the people I have seen here my entire life except you hold up the pretense much longer and firmer.

I sacrificed myself and my own children's betterment during all those years and for that I am eternally guilty and will regret until the day I die spending all that time on all of you and your welfare when my own children were in need of my attention.

None of you or your children or grandchildren could ever hold a candle to my children even so and at least there is that.

Mind games seem the culturally preferred choice in communication, but I despise mind games. I learned over the course of thirty years that mind games rule in Egypt, and especially with Khaled.

So sad.  truth and reality aren't so bad and are not to be feared, where mind games are played paramount to any other form of communication, truth and clarity is a problem.

I put myself out there without a facade and taking the lead from my then husband, you all laughed at me and figured me for a mental case and or stupid.  But at least I was honest,  and in my honesty I found a handful of you that I've kept close to  my heart.

That handful of folks who I speak of range from Boabs to the few  siblings of this abusive husband who are not pretentious but come off more like the kind heart of farmers (those and their spouses who closely resemble Sittoo).

I am not now nor was I ever impressed by rich or fake rich living, and rich lives/rich people.

Sittoo was a kind of farmer girl and that's probably why I loved her so much.  I can't say that for all twelve of her children but for a few yes I can.  I will forever remember you for the real persons you are - for the kindness and sweet laughter / the simple life and the love that you few shared.

But those others here today to see about the gossip - well, here it is.  Get an ear full and have your daily dose of entertainment on me.  And let the phones begin the familiar ringing ringing ringing before the entire text is even fully read, I imagine lol...   Egyptians never disappoint in that regard.

As for me, I am alive and well -  Away from abusive people, cruelty, liars, and lovers of MONEY.

Now I am only concerned with maintaining my wellness ... as I let go of  the fool I have been in the past among you and others,  I work diligently to grow away from all of this and become finally a better person than before.  Better and wiser inshallah.

I will mention one strange point about Khaled regarding my recovery from multiple illnesses.  The stronger I became over the past seven/eight years, the more living I could enjoy -  BUT - THE LESS satisfaction on the part of Khaled was glaringly evident.  In other words, the stronger I became, regaining all facalties of health, the more threatened, mean, and impossible Khaled became.  I found this to be a shockingly firm truth.  I still find myself shaking my head in disappointment on this point.

I always need to know WHY,  so this had me baffled for quite some time during my recovery.  I gave it a good long investigatory period before coming to the obvious conclusion that stares me in the face now.

To be threatened  of one's spouse's ability to fully live and enjoy life, is evidently to be quite ill.

I found Khaled Awad to be beneath his own facade, an insecure, fearful little man who enjoys remaining thus no matter the reward to himself and his  own soul should he instead choose to become well.

It is a choice you know.  I decided to become well, and wellness I have achieved.  I wanted wellness more than anything else in my life at the point of finally approaching my own healing from the inside out.

I discovered from life's experiences that no doctor can make you well. No medicine can make one well.  Wellness, for me, is a place in life that is reached and maintained by choice/choices,  clarity, reality, and love.

PLEASE I'm Begging You

I have decided to Not beg for anything or anyone ever again.

The desperate energy that fills the air during such an exchange is the kind of negativity from which every living being wants to run.

And the only thing that triggers that desperate feeling for me is fear.

We are caught up in so many illusions during our lifetime that the disillusioning experiences to come are near endless.  Yet each time we are faced with reality and an opportunity to decipher all that built up the illusion/s that going forward it's all about how we can be cognizant of reality.


The begging I've done in my life all stems from fear and not being good enough - Not being loved - Not being heard - Being dismissed and taken for granted.  Kindness taken for stupidity.

In Egypt the months spent sitting on a rock hard bed without to move or go anywhere left me hot and sick and desperate to GET OUT.  Once I literally begged Khaled my then husband to get me a hotel room in town (Cairo) just so I could get a clean bath and cool off in the air conditioning.

 I was on medication at the time which was potentially fatal if taken under the conditions of high temperatures.  Which makes sense now that I know this... At the time I didn't know it, but  I sure felt it.

Nothing doing.   I was literally desperate and crying.  I was so ill and so in need that my cries were lengthy and weakening.

All this man could say was that it would be an insult to his mother and family should I leave his mother's home for a hotel.

He wasn't even considering how ill I was - how badly I was suffering.  There were more health reasons than the most urgent about which I wanted to get into a cool clean place.  And when we returned home from Egypt one of them had brewed inside of me to the point of needing acute medical attention.  I was 6 weeks healing from it.

This experience left me disillusioned yet I was too week to do anything about the situation of living with a man who treats me this way.  Still, my time was coming.

I was actually begging this man, Khaled, in Egypt to help me and get me out of that situation.

This wasn't just an American being uncomfortable away from home (I could and had done that fine for years). I was clearly ill and in need, but ultimately left for dead.



Earlier in my first marriage I remember begging my husband once to at least pretend to love me.  It was clear he didn't love me.


The first husband loved alcohol and the second loved money and power.  Neither loved me.

Yet those are who I drew to me, and that's what I settled for each time.  I could fix it.   I had enough love for both of us and later with children in the second marriage - for all of us.

It doesn't work that way.  It just doesn't work.  And how many years are you going to twist yourself into different pretzels and shapes, pleasing everyone, cleaning up everything before you decide to LOVE YOURSELF.

That's what I've finally learned to do.  And I don't mind reminding others who might be temporarily disappointed that I have chosen myself and that's what's most important.  They either come around eventually  with a tone of respect OR they can go on their merry way.  (Which btw hasn't happened to me yet other than with Khaled).    So far it's been just fine.

Interesting huh?


I think it's possible that neither husband knew or knows what love truly is.  There are many of us like that in this world.

Being raised in a Cluster B run household, my brain wasn't setup for true/healthy love either, other than recognizing the love my father had for me and my siblings and for animals.  Still, that was tainted and distorted by the works of my narcissistic mother which left me in a state of cognitive dissonance whenever pondering the love I had for my dad and he for me.

I and all my siblings were shoved off into this world without a single tool for emotional survival and growth going forward.

How did I expect to attract love in my life?  I figured I was a good and kind person and I would attract the same, but there is  more to a person than goodness and kindness.  And often times being good and kind attracts others who are looking to exploit such attributes for personal gain or gratification.



I was fooled by religion both times.  The first was the Christian religion drawn to by the love psalms and the second was Islam.

Either book read on it's own isn't without question, and both are quasi okay, but let them be allowed to be immersed in the dogma or man made rules and regulations of such, and all the goodness and words of the prophets can and will be destroyed.

When I heard my Muslim husband say "I don't care what the Quran says, I am doing this my way". I was finally convinced that even Islam doesn't mean anything to this man of many masks.  All the fasting .. all the prayers ... all the ritual washing and ritual chantings were for show.

It is the CULTURE in which all religions are encased that rules the person pretending to be a good spiritual follower of the great prophets of all time.  Often people who are personally unevolved and "practicing" religion are using it as a smoke screen to cover who they really are - who or what they really worship from the depths of their heart/s.

MONEY. POWER.


In the case of my second husband it was MONEY.  Money and Power.  The power money afforded him.

It was all about how it looked to members of the Islamic community and or his family members practicing radical Islam.

And the family in Egypt,  less a few out of 12 siblings, all follow suit - It's all about how it looks to others.  If it means treat your loved ones like crap in order to afford to make it look like you are wealthier and or better than you are to the greater community -  It is fine to throw anyone including wives and children right under the bus.  As long as it isn't you who are seen as the less than desirable Muslim/Citizen.

Anything a Muslim like my ex husband Khaled does or says can and will be DENIED should it seem offensive to himself or his family of origin, and or the community at large.

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Hey! My Gate was Open all Along

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Hey! My Gate was Open all Along: And never look back! The act of looking back is doubt.. Perhaps a moment of weakness or a natural reaction to a triggering event ...

Hey! My Gate was Open all Along

And never look back!




The act of looking back is doubt.. Perhaps a moment of weakness or a natural reaction to a triggering event whilst doing your best to focus on moving forward and all that entails.

Bumps in the road can't affect you now - It's onward and upward regardless of the circumstances.

You might think when this is all over that "Hey! My gate was open all along."   

So often we are prisoners of our own minds and beliefs and for far too long.

When the gaslighting is put to an end, the whole dynamic in an abusive relationship shifts - Never to return to the status quo

It is said that gaslighting is perhaps the cruelest of the narcissistic tools, and I can report here that as a recipient of it for several decades, this is so.

It doesn't matter how you slice it, you will come away finally doubting yourself and your own perceptions of reality, should this tactic be allowed for a long period of time.

As I plunged myself alone into the final stages of recovery from an emotionally abusive relationship, I discovered that the only way to proceed going forward at some point was to record in either writing or with video every interaction with the abusive person that had the potential to result in his/her exercising  controlling, manipulative behaviors.

Once I started placing boundaries in this relationship, that was reason enough for the person to feel threatened, and to implement even more of the gaslighting than before.

I remember the first time this paid off for me.  He kept accusing me of taking more Imodium AD pills than I was and having to buy more too early ... too soon.  Resulting in an expense to complain about, and with that, a reason to accuse me of abusing medicine.

This was happening for a long time before I finally invested in an erase calendar for the kitchen wall.  On it I wrote that "Khaled said that I took a months worth of Imodium in one week."   Here is the day I began the new bottle.  And four weeks later on the wall is written the last day's supply.   Bottle empty/ needs refill.

When I approached him with the request, as usual, he protested that he JUST BOUGHT them.  I told him NO.  Look on the wall calendar.  He still tried to say that the calendar was wrong.  But I was able to prove it.  And he just dropped it and bought the new bottle without to apologize .

This small victory was a kind of validation that I hadn't seen in my life really up until that point.  I realized then that  if I want validation, I need to validate myself and to stand firm.  From then on I began recording all dealings with him.

What he liked best was holding me at bay without money of my own or means to get it, and to accuse me of wasting any money I am entrusted with for the house, myself, and or the family.  He got so bad nearing the end of this ridiculous marriage that I witnessed a meltdown over two dollars and ninety nine cents!

On top of all of that, this man is by NO means destitute or in need of any kind.  He in fact, is very well off,  partially due to the sacrifices I've made to appease him over the course of 30 years.

So yeah gaslighting.  Cruel, horrible, unkind behavior, intended to make a person second guess his/her own sanity/reality.  To put it in a nutshell, it's lying.  About almost everything that is meaningful to the target.  And everything that is perhaps not so meaningful but incidental.  "I never said that.  You said such and such.  I never did that.  You did such and such.  The sky isn't blue.  Are you nuts?  It's green.  Can't you see?  Everybody knows that.  What are you?  Five years old?"

Every ounce of joy in the targets heart and life will be sucked away and erased by the abusive gaslighter.

After all of this he/she will appear before you with a grin.  A look of satisfaction called "Duping Delight."  I have seen this hundreds of times.  It's sickening.   Because while the abuser is grinning like this and pleased with themselves, the target is suffering all kinds of emotional pain and confusion.

The confusion is a result of the target not being able to understand how a "Loved One" could behave in such a way.  The only thing that often makes sense in the end to the target is that perhaps it is they who really are the problem.  Perhaps they are losing it for real.

The cognitive dissonance though of a so called loved one grinning at the discomfort and pain of his or her spouse is what keeps the target stuck for a time.  There has to be an explanation.

Tell you what.  My education in Narcissistic abuse saved me in the end and stopped totally all cognitive dissonance.

It doesn't mean the person in question is a full blown narcissist or that he/she has narcissistic personality disorder.  What it does mean is that due to many variables, what lies beneath the person behaving in this cocksure way is an insecure, fearful, clueless, blob of protoplasm who operates primarily  from a place of ego.  And if you turn yourself into a pretzel in order to reach them in some way/  any way ... to help them to see this reality..  You are likely wasting your time and energy.

I personally found this to be true.

The person flat out finally told me that he wasn't interested in growing in the least.

Who ever says something so stupid you might wonder.  Just such a "person."   Their "love"  is conditional /  therefore they have not love, and superficiality rules the day.  It's all about "what it looks like to others who must be impressed."  

Reality and real people like their children and spouse matter less than all of these people the abuser is interested in impressing.  He/she will throw you and your children under the bus in a heartbeat in order to save face.

Extremely unkind.  Unloving.  Careless behavior.

The good news is we can put a stop to it.  If we do record most pertinent dealings with them, they cannot play this game.  You have dates, often video, and written proof of what took place so there is no way for the abuser to use the gaslighting tool.

This is a crucial step in the coming to an end of this suffering, while welcoming the blossoming awareness that will accompany the target right out of this hell and onto the path of freedom.  

What's fvcking wrong Detroit & BaBa!?!RIP ear drums

Colluding with Being Ignored and Self Betrayal in Relationships

VALIDATION!! THANK YOU LOST CHILD SISTER!!

You know, when we love someone who is struggling emotionally and not intentionally hurting us (and NOT a narcissist), it is so worth it to do what it is that we can and then walk away until they do the work and catch up and come back.

Below is the amazing long-awaited conclusion to the saga of my precious little sister and I after reconnecting. After our father's death, we were both struggling to figure out our toxic family of origin, and our selves - and then along the way major life events triggered high stress interactions, derailing our progress for six years.

Both of us took those six years to seriously do the work in our own lives to come to this healthier point in recovery.

Previous posts on this blog tell the whole story up to before yesterday in detail, but not until today did I get to post this joyful moment of our re-connection as sisters - both practicing self care and placing boundaries!!

So below is what I messaged to her today after a very validating and healthy discussion with her yesterday, sparking our newfound sisterhood in recovery:
                                            *******************************

Just to clarify so we get off on the right foot.  Not to rehash and ask for any kind of apology.  I understand your intentions and the reasons for everything that happened with us and not now nor at anytime before did I think you had wrongful intentions.  I always knew John was behind what I saw during the time you bought that house as erratic and controlling behavior.

I said in our chat that it was because of the computer incident that all of what followed happened.  But that was a seed.

Here's how it went.  After you called me and yes I did hear confusion in your voice, but your words said .. "Please just tell us if you needed to get into John's computer for an emergency or something because yours wasn't working."  You said that multiple times after I was very clear that NO my computer was fine.   You surprised me when instead of saying Okay then we have to get to the bottom of why it shows up on his computer.... because you did not touch it and I believe you.  No problem I will look into this with a computer expert and get back to you...   Instead,  You said, "Do you think I'm lying?  I am looking at it on the screen right now. It says (the login)"!!

After that I was sure I would never step foot in John's house again.  I didn't want things to deteriorate with us so I was willing to wait and see how you would handle my pending validation.

You bought that new place and I was genuinely excited.  On my arrival (please understand that you were clearly under the influence of this emotional abuser) there was a welcome followed by the rules for being there.   Only a certain dish could be used in the microwave because it busted others.  Certain pots and pans were off limits. Things like don't use steel utensils with such and such dishes because they will be destroyed were annoying because it was a nobrainer.  The stove-top was a major issue and warnings were given.  ....   This all set the tone.  It just didn't feel right.

Then there was the next visit building the landing, doggie door and fence.  By this time I barely recognized you.  I tried to be kind and even helpful, but nothing and I do mean nothing I did for you or with you would have ever been good enough.  I don't know what he was doing to you but it made you even check out and dissociate.  It was raining and it really felt like being with dad when he was abusive.  You actually picked up that thing you dragged from the basement when I was bent over trying to pull the leg of it loose from a stubborn rock and you slammed it without realizing it dropped on my shoulder.   Every single thing I said or did to help was rejected or wrong.  I walked on eggshells like I hadn't in decades that weekend.  

I tried for years to dissect this in my blog and in my journal.  I wrote extensively about the three visits, including and ending with the one I decided to be unconscious for.

I wrote about that too.  and I am disappointed in my choice to come regardless of promising myself after leaving the trip of the fence project I could never ever go back to your place.  Not that I was mad, or unloving with you..but that I could not be treated like that ever again and it was just something that kept happening.  It wasn't changing.  I couldn't place a single boundary.  And so yeah why would it change.

You should know in Florida when Buster was ill you behaved very much the same way.   That time too was very difficult, dismissive, controlling, and hurtful.   Again.  boundaries.  My fault as much as yours.   All of this is.

Going forward you have to know that I do place healthy boundaries now. It's helpful anyway for everyone to understand openly as one goes along how each other prefer to be treated or interacted with.  In a way this message is my first,  yikes: but it's honest and where I am coming from.   You need to know that going forward all of these past events having been validated by now and sure not to be repeated,... are just that.  the past and done.  Finally answers.  It's important to me.   Thank you.

So I conclude that high stress events might trigger behaviors that we aren't aware of.  I guess too that's where boundaries are essential.

I hope going forward we both will see the value in what might seem like annoyances when we place a boundary ...  I really do.  but I think it's possible we are both far enough along in recovery to appreciate that.

Yeah I needed to just be sue to be clear in a condensed version of the past signifying events.
***************************************************************************

I received a loving and fully understanding answer.

Even though this was not a sympathy ploy or anything like that...my sister lovingly again apologized and validated every word, taking accountability.
*****************************************************************************

Now we can go forward in our relationship - first getting our feet wet again at my son's upcoming wedding!  The both of us have reserved rooms in the same a hotel for a few days!

I see a beautiful way clear for our relationship to build from this healthier foundation. Something I have wanted to come about for us for a very long time xx 

Lack of empathy in relationships that is NOT narcissistically driven ....

Okay here I am talking about finally approaching this subject with my primary relationship now. 

and my phone ran out so this is a continuation.

The story continues with Khaled being ten years old in the small city of Ismailia Egypt during the onset of the six day war with Israel.  He was crouched in the basement of his parents' huge apartment building for foreigners when the bombing took place.  During those days nobody knew how long they be trying to avoid being blasted to bits like the building above.  He and his eleven brothers and sisters were there a full seven days with their mother.   When the War was over, he was sent for bread in the streets where he saw body parts blown to bits.  The mind of a ten year old absorbed this trauma and wanted to do something for someone.  something right.  Inevitably he was attacked anyway for voicing his concerns and feelings during this time of extremes.   His mother was juggling 12 children and likely a pregnancy...  her marital issues, and the fact that everything they had worked for and loved was gone.  A ten year old's perspective and emotional need wasn't a priority.  It was then Khaled said that his defenses about feeling emotion were born.  And the hold this has on him is powerful my friends. .. very powerful.  

Introduction video : My Youtube Channel

So I finally opened a channel on Youtube and joined the Adult Child of Narcissistic families community.  Here's my first video.

Well I didn't edit or do the video over... this is the only attempt so lots of goof ups, but the authenticity is what comes through.

Anyway glad to finally be here and getting ready to share my story with the youtube community.  Thanks for the supportive youtubers who have helped me and others immeasurably  .  

Oh Lord Please Dont let me be Misunderstood

A truer statement was never said than that of the one here.

I spent the first five decades of my life exhausting my own energy trying to make myself understood.

Trying to prove myself, I would justify my intent and actions. And so often before going no contact with my family of origin I found myself trying to repair bonds with loved ones.  These bonds were weakened and broken over and over by way of the slow drip of innuendo by the narcissist in control.  In any case, it was the NM. The Narcissistic Monster... I mean narcissistic mother.

And for what?

The only person I really need to understand is me.  The only person I need to prove things to is me.  The person I respect most is me, and ultimately the one I love and do understand most is myself, and so it is myself that really matters in the scheme of things.

When my dad was alive, he was the one I most loved in the FOO, and the one I knew not without doubt though, loved me regardless of the lies my jealous NM invented between us.  It was all I could do to make myself available to him at anytime and in anyway no matter the up to 1500 mile difference between us - and no matter the constant whispering in his ear whether by way of suggestion or her out right lies.  (and btw thinking of him and caring for him was most of what I did do.  My family suffered for it.  My kids and husband could have had better lives had I  been more present for them).

I couldn't read his mind to know what she made up next nor could I or would I imagine, but I could supply him with his needs (his wardrobe over the course of every year) and other things  every chance I got to make the trip. For sure birthdays, holidays, and usually anniversaries, as well as other visits when he was still in NY state.  In Florida though I still managed and with a full and happy heart.

I did all I could do for him and NM also since he had virtually no autonomy.

There is no doubt that all during the years of NM's emotional abuse and lies I was a dutiful and loving daughter.  Even so along the way, the decades were marked with kickouts for placing boundaries.  She'd kick me out of the family and he'd eventually insist she get in touch and ask me back.  All the siblings heard from me the the exact story for why I was no contact during kickouts, but her story was evidently totally different.  Someone had to be either crazy or lying or both.

Jealousy is an awful, horrible, and childish thing.

I have my own problems but jealousy was never one of them.  I could never understand jealousy.  My dad was the same way his whole life.  Always happy for others' successes and happiness.  It's so simple.  To be happy for others is a very simple thing.  I can't be bothered with the difficulty and negativity that jealousy entails.

Turns out the reason for the NM's lies about me was her jealousy of my relationship with and love for, my dad.  Had I NOT been such the dutiful daughter I would have suffered under her lies and control way less, ironically.  Still, though, she would have then complained to relatives that I was a neglectful daughter.  You cannot win with narcissists.  Nothing is enough, nothing is good enough, and nothing you do for them will accomplish getting a mother, being loved, or even just not be spoken badly of.

So now yeah I live my life.  I understand myself and I don't feel prompted to make or want others to understand me or my actions.. or even my reasoning.  I don't have to justify anything I say or do to anyone but myself.  If it is okay by me, it must be right.  If it doesn't feel right, then it's not okay by me and I need to do some work.  And that's that.

Again simple.

Simple is the way to go.

Goes well with my marriage also...  Happily married 31 years as of last week!!  Well, over those thirty years, most of them were happy.  Better now than ever I'd say and that's something.

I still have work to do and that's okay -  Likely always will -  The thing is it gets easier and just keeps getting better all the time.

Borderline Condensed Version to the Discard

I still find borderlines fascinating people with the most interesting minds.  More and more of them are getting the help they need to understand themselves and find growth and recovery.

Maybe when I figure out what it is about me that fascinates me about them I will come to some epiphany about myself ... who knows.

But in the meantime I'd like to discuss this latest one up to the discard and how different all that was for me in recovery.

I found this 28 year old girl on youtube who sat in her bedroom and just talked.  She was interesting because she was so intelligent.

She was funny, could be very cute, mean, kind, authentic, just real.  But hen she would come on and say "Everything I told you was a  lie."

She'd do things like offer a taro card reading in a contest and invite you to go on her site and sign up for it, then the next day after you did, she'd say in a video that people are just looking for a handout.

She started asking for money.  I told her I didn't send money online to anyone.  But then when she said she was interested in Egypt, I told her that since being on her site she had my email and if she wanted she could send me her address and I'd send her some things I'd acquired from Egypt.  I thought that would be fun since she's alone there in her room and she seemed appreciative of things others gave her as much as a decade ago.  I thought it would brighten her day and bring a smile.

Her vlog was all about her healing journey and I was observing her progress.  She was diagnosed with BPD and DID but without medicine or therapy at the time.  I thought her diligence was amazing.. her tenacity and desire so deeply to discover why she had these problems and how to grow past them was inspiring.  I was rooting for her.

I watched her videos everyday for a couple of months and my likes and shares brought that channel alive, she said.  I was commenting often ... daily sometimes, and she often said that that was good but she's doing this channel for herself, not others.  I understood all of that.  I was rooting for her.  She would once in a while answer my comments.  Very black and white, though, as in either a "thank you"  or a grandiose rant.

She did hour long videos one, two, three times everyday.  I started watching less of them as the weather outside began to improve as one has other things to do besides watch videos most the of the day.  Not that there has to be accountability for such a choice but that's actually how it was.

I settled into watching her instead of everyday, every other day or so and commenting sparsely.  She answered a comment with "You haven't been on lately.  Miss that."

She was attention seeking which didn't go well with her "authenticity" that I enjoyed so much.   The attention seeking was a turn off to me.  I clicked off those videos and saw her less.  

I told her in the beginning that I liked her for the reasons above here.  She made me laugh and I was rooting for her and I added "And look.. you didn't drive me away yet." The tone was with a wink.

So I went into this with eyes wide open.  Knowing that day might come, and not to allow her access deep enough to affect me personally.

She started ranting about not liking people who are bashing narcissists.  She started saying she was a narcissist and narcissists are people too and need more understanding.  I told her she's no narcissist as far as I was concerned.  She said something about how damaging they can be and I told her "I don't take those assholes seriously anymore."

What a shame that most (not all) borderlines are so interesting and intelligent and sensitive but that they destroy themselves to the point of not being able to be productive in the world and even with themselves.  I was really hoping there might be the exception with this girl as I have seen in one or two others.

I told her a couple of times about AJ Mahari who is so helpful with borderlines and she is online.  I told her that her videos even without to pay would be a really good resource.  All of my suggestions were ignored.

She was so grandiose and controlling that even the thought that an outside influence might be helpful painfully escaped her.

This girl was determined to fix herself though, and that is kind of what was so interesting and amazing.

Her determination to discover herself took her deep into areas that were revealing, embarrassing, incredibly deep and disturbing... but still she would hang onto those borderline traits in order to derail the effort.

These times were dotted with distractions like pretending to be someone she wasn't.  By fake crying and attention seeking .. play acting for the camera.  Then bringing in other personalities..  Then talking about energies in her room distracting her, affecting her progress.  Then she started cursing the energies and fighting with invisible entities on either side of her.  Most of that was clearly for the cameras.  It was then that I started watching her videos less.

I figured I saw her progress to a great point, but that she was determined to derail any further value.

She started explaining that she was fearful of not having money for food.  She worried that her foodstamps either had stopped or were going to stop.  She lived with her dad who totally took care of all of her overhead expenses, and he would deliver to her room from time to time coca cola or other things so I didn't take that plea very seriously.

Although, she still kept mentioning the money thing and she did a video pleading for someone to just send her some money.  This,she said, she thought would really help her with this fear problem.

I didn't' comment and rarely watched after that.

But, I would click her on to see how she was doing, not watch the whole video or comment.

THEN:

I saw a title "CLOSING DOWN CHANNEL" .. where she did a video saying she didn't think what she had to say had value and that people didn't want to hear what she had to say.

Actually she was right and she was wrong.  The times she was authentic, her voice was so valuable.  But those other times when she was attention seeking and diverting the viewer, not so much.

I popped on a last time and told her she was very valuable as a person, and a voice.  I, for one, thought she had value. No comment... not a problem as she often didn't respond.  Like anything in life for me, I don't comment to get a response.  I guess you could say my participation is unconditional .. hehe.

She chose a different video with which  to respond, however, for the discard.

She found a video from way back where I had commented that for her to remember while she is "helping others"  as she went through the stages of her healing, I was available if she needed help.  I was talking about counsel, NOT money lol.

She then,passive aggressively replied on that video:  "Kathleen, I would appreciate it if you did not comment on any of my videos anymore, and further, do not watch any of my videos or channels or contact me ever again."

Classic.

Early on, she did email me her address and I did send her a package with items from Egypt I though she would like and a butterfly ring to symbolize her flight to wellness and change.  She thanked me.. that she got the items and they are very nice.  The papyrus was hanging on the wall in her bedroom and that was cute.  It is uncharacteristic for me to share my giving history but relevant in this case.

Anyway, yeah I was hoping for her that these calls for money and these videos chastising viewers.. telling them F you and I do these videos for ME not any of you ... were just a bump in the road of  recovery and that she would maybe seek more counsel or improve, but it was, instead, a fast track to the discard of the whole channel.

She did one more video saying she was shutting down the channel and "I hate you all!!"

What a waste of a mind.

I wish her well in thought and in mind, but, not online.  I honored her request and deleted her.

Now what I learned here was just how far I have come in my own recovery from these assholes.

The discarding of me was predictable and not damaging.  Being able to understand what without the education on the subject would make no sense, is key for me.

Without this understanding, I would have been hurt.  I would have questioned myself and the whole thing for years.  Why why why.  Just like all of the discard dealings with the NM .. why why why... and the confusion, hurt, and disappointment.  Decades of confounding wonder in the quiet times.

All of that results in a person coming off to others as confused and clueless... no wonder my kindness was often taken for weakness and or stupidity over all of those years.

It wasn't society and others that were cruel and wrong, but rather it was me presenting as the reactive result of the mindfuck of "loved ones" and others, - NOT the person I am.  

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity: Dealing with Anxiety  - and It's Brief Return I thought this problem was long gone and finished for me, but the fact is that as we ...

If someone comes off as superficial and self centered in the beginning, don't lie to yourself in order to stop the cognitive dissonance!!

NO REGRETS NO ANGER JUST CLARITY

If your gut tells you NO,. Listen heart emoticon

Take a person(s) met decades ago from whom I got a bad first impression, but to be "fair" I tried very hard to second guess my gut:

There has to be clarity and distinction between second guessing one's self in order to be fair, and simply realizing that negativity can in no way ever be respected. Negative actions don't qualify for the fairness clause when evaluating relationships or potential relationships. 

It's really useful to discern what falls under negativity and what is simply another's choices which differ from one's own.

If someone is being manipulative, though, by way of their words or actions, there is no wiggle room for second guessing.

So, dishonesty, then would be the first thing. In-authenticity falls under this umbrella, as does partial authenticity favored by covert manipulators.

Under this are,  false personas and superficiality. my favorite way to tell this is that for these types, (It's all about how it looks) . These folks care deeply about how others perceive them. It is essential they appear important, in control, of more means than is true, or more to the point - better means than the 'others' with whom they are dealing. Oh, not to forget the somatic narcissist who worships his/her own body and just can't wait for the chance to flaunt it.  In case any of them are reading this ... just so you know...  "normal" people can't be bothered with your body.  Each person who is interested in personal growth and acceptance, cares first for all other things than your body!!

For these toxic types, things like humility, honesty, and authenticity are the weaknesses of others. In addition, the persons who values these, are assumed to be foolish by the superficial manipulator. The only intelligent persons in the room are those who don't show their hand, those who have all the power, and to achieve this, they must and do have all the control. (Those who are convincing liars and have a little crew of enablers behind them).

It's a bonus deal for toxic types when they come across the authentic person. First they jump on the fact that they are gong to profit in a myriad of ways from the target's honesty and willingness to please. Then the manipulator gets an on the spot instant reward. In their underestimation, the authentic person is beneath the manipulator.

Notice their instant gratification as they project onto the target an (less-than) inferior image. Usually the target 'feels' this negative projection right away. Unless they are aware of the workings of the mind of a manipulator, they will take on this projection in the moment and in future interactions with such a person.

When one is wrapped in this situation, it can be difficult to pinpoint just why things feel this way. A decent person hesitates to go with their gut which is telling them, "This person is superficial, unauthentic, seems void of natural feelings... and frankly dangerous to me".

Your gut tells you to back away, but before you listen to your gut, in the moments you are discerning, the manipulator is touching buttons in your mind, heart, and soul, with his/her words until something clicks with you - or they hit on a match to whatever it is that fits your needs - turns you on. When they see your neurons respond, they know they have you.

Afterward, you may still wonder... why did I feel such a way? Something isn't right. but then you tell yourself, "But they said this and this. I must be mistaken."

NO!! Your gut is never off.

Always follow your gut.

We are intelligent enough, we often start out right, being intuitive and getting it, but then it is in the non trusting of our own gut reactions where the trouble begins.

I have even fought my heart and went with my gut over the years, but eventually the manipulator still recovers and gets over.

Once I was fool enough to confess to a person in my life my first impression, and apologize for being judgmental. Yeah, it's not long after the successful bait and hook, a decades long scheme to profit in someway (by the sweat of your brow or tears of your heart or both), that you finally realize what it was all about. Of course followed by the thought "I should have listened to my own intuition."

 Another time, I did the same about my sister's narcissistic husband.  I confessed to her of my past impression of him and how sorry I was.  But, he showed again very soon that, no, I was right.  (You know these are times in your life when you sure would love to be wrong).

If the stakes are high enough, certain toxic types don't discourage easily. They can wait patiently for years to reap their rewards.

Best part is the healing and self awareness. I write this now without anger, but in gratitude. It feels really good to not be angry. Anything lost to toxic types I've figured out can be chalked up to an investment in self awareness. For some of us it costs more and takes longer, but that's all for good reason. And that's fine.

Finally, I have no regrets with regard to this issue!

********************************

If someone comes off as superficial and self centered in the beginning, don't lie to yourself in order to stop the cognitive dissonance!!

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity

Beyond Forgiveness.....Phase Three ~: Dealing with the Return of Anexity: Dealing with Anxiety  - and It's Brief Return I thought this problem was long gone and finished for me, but the fact is that as we ...

Dealing with the Return of Anexity

Dealing with Anxiety  - and It's Brief Return

I thought this problem was long gone and finished for me, but the fact is that as we are healing, when confronted with opportunities to respect ourselves with the placing of healthy boundaries in long term relationships, we can be faced with negativity instead of cooperation.

Here's what happened recently to me.

I told Khaled who is packing to leave for Egypt actually just after tomorrow, that I might not go to Egypt and that maybe since we are thinking to sell our place there, he should start bringing  back my things little by little.  Furthermore, I said, " I'd rather spend the money you were going to spend on my ticket for Egypt,  here in the States, visiting my children."

He shut that down.  How does he do this over the years?  He uses money.  He told me what makes me think he's paying for my trip anywhere?  I should be saving the money he gives me for housewares, food, toiletries, and gifts for that.

Only a few weeks ago, he was asking me when he should buy my ticket for Egypt.  He was hoping to go during the week I'm typing this.  I wasn't sure when I would go but for sure not now.  That was fine, so he bought his ticket and he was going to buy mine whenever I decided to go.

Usually he's is a fair person, so of course this caused me to experience cognitive dissonance which shot my mind's experience into a post traumatic stress shift.

Then I experienced everything I used to when I suffered from anxiety.  From the shaking that you just cannot stop, to the bewilderment, finally exhaustion .

When I first started experiencing anxiety and free floating anxiety, I remember exactly where I was and who it was that was pounding on my mind at the time.

It was the NM.  Over and over and over she would drill about the Arabs and the Jews and how could I marry an Arab man.  Don't I worry he will take the children to Egypt and run?  All kinds of inaccurate accusations about Arabs and propagandized information pounded onto my soul.  All the while I was defending my husband and myself and the whole Arab nation with the limited book knowledge I had at the time, with my wealth of  first hand knowledge as well.

As the NM continued, my sides would begin to shake and then to my back all down to the small of my back where the anxiety would set in like the combination of a jack hammer in the street and the drill of a dentist.  As this is happening I am crying and begging her to just let it go, just stop.  She continues and I get cramps.  Sweat pours from my hands and I am driven by pain to the bathroom where bright yellow bile shoots to the bowl.

I return to the NM and she continues... the anxiety remains ..  until the visit is over and I am about two hours into the trip home.  Driving late .. midnight blue sky and quiet, I tell myself it feels so much better to be going to my home away from her.  On the other hand I tell myself she's my mother.  I will always respect her.  There is my father there who is not like her and if I bring more things, better things she might like, or if I say the right things, or if I work more when I'm there, maybe next time will be better, and we can have a relationship - all of us .. the kids can have grandparents here in the United States.

Now it's three hours and I have already repeated and dissected to myself in the car all of the abusive things she said to me.  I still cannot understand WHY she is saying these things and for what reason.  BUT now I feel somewhat better. The shaking is now a deep hum.

And that's how the anxiety all began.  I was 25-35. It was that decade I foolishly allowed the NM to do the most damage.  I took it on like a camel does a whole family's  burdens all across the dessert.  I was going to be the good and dutiful daughter even if it killed me.

And it almost did.

Between the ages of 45 - 50, I was hospitalized over and over and over for physical problems, including one near death experience and just under a week in the intensive care unit.

It was the near death experience that was my wake up call.

I have been on a quest for emotional healing from the ages of 50 - 55.  That brings us up to date.

The physical problems are nearly resolved all by dealing with the emotional traumatic events and the aftermath that followed.  I have lost over a hundred pounds since going no contact with the NM and didn't diet after the initial 6 months on Atkins.  The weight fell off on it's own after a life-long binge eating disorder was totally healed.

So when I experience anything that feels like the NM's poundings, the anxiety is triggered back.  Thankfully, Khaled is nothing like the NM so I am rarely triggered. But, yesterday was an exception.

I went to bed with the anxiety and slept without distractions for hours and hours and hours .. then through the whole night, and then half of today.

That's how taxing anxiety is on your body.  In my youth I was strong enough to keep going ... taking care of the house, husband, kids,  a job, and more.. all while fighting it.  Now, though, I am fortunate to have the opportunity to deal with it, instead.  

I sit here typing now without being the least bit anxious or experiencing any of the shaking, drilling, or even the humms..

Just curious though, will Khaled ever be interested in learning any of this?  Seems to me if he knew how this all made me feel, he might decide to stop playing these games over money.

How will he know how I feel as a result of mind games unless he is open enough to hear and interested enough to care?

I tried to explain this to Khaled earlier, but when I looked up again as I was speaking to him, he was gone.  He had walked out of the room in search of medicine for his allergy.  I had been speaking to the walls.

I realize how much this man is able to care about the reality of the situation.

Question is:  What do I do now?

Well I know what I am not going to do.  I'm not a victim.  I have not to complain.   I am going to do what is good and right for me. Continuing this healing path,  attracting to my life positive experiences.

Khaled is adorable.  He is an adorable child, half asleep.  I'll always love him.

I have to know that when the time is right he will hear me about this.  Until then I hear myself, and I care about myself.  That's what counts most.

But, yeah I wanted to share how we can be gong along in recovery and all of the sudden life challenges us with these things.  Instead of seeing this as stepping backward, I see it as a continuation in the recovery.

I imagine life will offer me all kinds of opportunities to continue to grow - And that's a good thing. 

Towanda! Righter of Wrongs... Queen Beyond Compare!! On second thought...........

So yesterday I had a Towanda moment at Walmart, and a facebook friend's comment "I don't like confrontation" made me think again.

I don't either, so why does my post about the situation seem so??

Somewhere in this, I figured I was wrong. grrrrr.....  :

Kathleen Wheeler Awad

17 hrs · Wilkes-Barre, PA · Edited ·

Ten Points for dodging the wrath of roadrager:

Coming out of walmart parking lot, this person was coming in off the highway. I was waiting for her to come by in front of my car so I could turn left to go out. Instead, she sat on her horn waving her arms blocking my car from going left right or forward.

It was more important I guess to admonish my poor observance of the parking lot traffic rules than to keep going it seems.

OMG!! All I could think of was a bully kid in bumper cars screaming at ALL the other kids that they were playing it wrong!! Her face was so exaggerated it was funny!! I had to laugh.

Since my reaction was none really but to wave her out of my way with the back of my hand and a blown kiss, she went totally nuts.

While she was doing a donut to circle back and kill me, I took my left turn quick, but she chased me in from the right front as if I would stop and take her punishment and directions lol.

Only thing is she didn't know I've dealt with her kind before and beneath my calm reaction is a foot on the accelerator at the ready!! I nosed my SUV at her fancy little white sports car just as quick as she spun that donut!!

Seemed she didn't want the dent cause I wasn't backing down with the right of way and the green light cheering me on....lol.. She broke just before getting a good scrape as I blasted out onto the highway... In my rear view mirror I saw a little white sports car waaay back there turning then again into the walmart parking lot.

Such a cool way to come out of an attack!! Calm cool and collected and pleased hehe.. I didn't get upset .. not even for a moment. I remembered all my tools and used them. But it was kind of easy because she was so comical to begin with .. But in the end it wasn't all that funny since she was clearly wacked.

Yeah, I thought to myself. Welp, I didn't fire back mad, no.. I didn't even get mad even in the end. I only focused on my reaction remaining calm or "normal." But she is for sure still burning and stomping around walmart now like a maniac.

Oh well, see an old lady with white or grey hair and expect her to be a pushover ... if you wish .. But watch it... hehe wink emoticon xx

*****************************************************************************************************************************

After that, the same facebook friend said, "Wow, what a woman you are."  I thought hmmmmm yeah I don't know, it does seem it wasn't very womanly.  So I answered "We farm girls don't mess around."  Which was meant to imply she and I were raised working on farms and so from our most inner depths, any tough spot isn't too tough for us.  

I do that.  I noticed I like to enjoin others in my reasoning's for my actions.  You know what?  That's wrong.  I am realizing here that I don't need to to that.  I don't need to prop up my decision making with others' (who btw may not even agree as you see happened here).

It's important to note here that this behavior (using others to shore up one's own questionable behaviors is a narcissist trait).  You all know where that came from deep down in my psyche.  But it goes TODAY.

The other kind of narcissist thing I did in the conflict was to blow that kiss.  I just had to piss her off more.  That's what narcs do.  AND then when she totally flipped and came after my car, I was proud of my behavior!!

I can see with this little example that I still have more work to do in shedding all that was learned since birth.  Funny thing is the post was supposed to showcase my recovery, how I reacted in a better way that in prior times.  This was the first time (that I can think of now) I used a narcissist's tactics to get through something like this and I thought I did so well.

The reason I did well for me was that I didn't get upset.  My heart rate didn't even change, but still... using narc tactics to deal with narcs isn't going to cut it for getting well.  That is NOT the wellness solution I want for me.

I do give myself points for not getting angry, but for adding to this persons negativity with passive aggression and the narcissistic blown kiss, my points were revoked really on the spot.

My dilemma:

When a person confronts and attacks me (very unusual btw) I don't want to feel threatened, fear, anger... all those negative emotions.  Mostly, I don't want to drive away feeling like I didn't take care of myself, which only leads to negative self talk.

Turns out now I also don't want to avoid those emotions by being immature and laughing at the person and using passive aggressive tactics.

So yeah.  Not too bad, but next time I'll have to do better.  No kiss.. no laughing.  That's going to be the growth.  The test.  To not get upset without using negativity as a shield from negativity.

We'll see....

Overtaking the hurdle of Selfrespect in Healthy Relating

Well well well.....

I come across this one and see that the all so important validation seeking needs to be reeled in.    

Validation is a tricky thing.  First part of my life, my own validation was nonexistent - not allowed - never hoped for.  Second part of my life it became a part of my healing - a necessity.  

Now, at the golden years of my life, validation is something I give myself on occasion, ask of my spouse on the rare occasion, and experience and do for others when the timing is right.  Other than that, it is not a forefront issue anymore.

Now, when someone dismisses me and or my shared thoughts or opinions, I learn from the experience.  The more I learn, the less I am dealing with people who tend to behave as such.  Hence the less this even becomes an issue in my life.

At this point in my healing I have discovered there are still others who are so wounded and unhealed that having them in my inner circle could be a source of negativity. These still wounded souls cannot help but be distrustful, dismissive, and in effect, cruel, actually. They are so wounded that in limping along emotionally, they cannot gather the maturity and strength for reciprocate, respectful relating. And I cannot ask them for and or hope for something they don't have to give.

I feel accomplished that I actually learned this recently:   When I notice in relating with someone who over and over is dismissive of me and my issues while I am supportive of them and theirs.....  I can and must cut them loose.  This I do now instead of having endless patience waiting for them to "come around" ... in their emotional maturity - to learn from my example .. lol.. ..  Most still-wounded people aren't up to learning from others' examples. Even those seeking healing. If they are stuck at some point in healing, they are not going to learn anything from me or my examples of allowing myself to me unheard, used, and dismissed.  After all, what would they learn anyway?  How to be a doormat?  What was I thinking.


There is no choice but to move on, cultivating my own emotional growth and healthier relating abilities.

So onward and upward it is... Without the slightest guilt about 'giving up' on still wounded people.  

Moving on and giving up are two different things.  I've moved on, but at any point should anyone new in my life or old in my life want to relate in respectful ways, I'm all ears as I keep moving, yet keep respecting myself and others.